Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - For Sarandon

1 [ Hip-hop playing ] If I'm in my apartment, I stay naked.
Like, if I'm in a closet and I put my coat away and the door's shut, I stay naked.
If I'm in a bathroom to [bleep] I stay naked.
If I'm out on the lawn and then I see, like, fireflies come out, I stay naked.
If I'm on a tire swing, I stay naked.
If I drive when it's dark, I stay naked.
And then if I drive until it's light again, I stay naked.
When I go to church, I stay naked.
If I get groceries, I stay naked.
If I go to a water park, you know I stay naked.
But it's tough, do you know what I mean? [ Applause ] If you get me in a headlock Well, I will get you in a dick-grab I don't really want to hurt you But you don't want to make this boy mad If you get me in a headlock So I'm doing a show with Kurt at Bonnaroo and that's not a totally fun place to do stand-up comedy.
I don't know if you know this, like, in our tent, the wireless mikes, we were trying to do a set to people who are like coming down off "E" or whatever.
And, like, Nine Inch Nails is somehow piping through our cordless mikes while we're trying to tell jokes.
And so finally we're done, and Kurt is like, "Good news, I got some chocolate-covered 'shrooms.
" And I was like, "I guess I need it.
" So I popped the 'shroom and it's delicious.
And then he's like, "Let's go listen to some music.
" So we walk out from the artist area of Bonnaroo, like, into the crowds.
And it was such a mistake because everybody turned around and taped me dancing to Phoenix.
And I was like, "Oh, this is bad.
" So I just turned on my heel and I walked right to the nearest porta-potty.
And at that point in the festival, it was filled with so much shit.
Like shit, like, coming out the top of the rim of the toilet seat.
And I just stared at it and breathed it in until I puked out the 'shrooms before it hit my system so that I wouldn't lose my mind.
And then I went back out, tried to watch Phoenix.
And Kurt is like, "Good news, I got some chocolate-covered 'shrooms.
" And I was like, "Goodbye forever, Bonnaroo.
I'm never coming back.
" Dad, I know what I want to be when I grow up A starving artist! What?! Dad, I'm a gay woman, and I'm getting married! What?! Dad, I'm dating a black guy.
What?! Dad, I joined the Black Panthers! What?! Dad, I went to college, and I decided I hate America.
What?! Uh, is your blank blanked up? Is it full of skunky fruit? Is your stump full of gunk, or are you hurting from the milks thickening in your glands? Do your knuckles lock with that salt-sugar putrescence? Mmm.
I mean is your blank blanked up? You're giving me testicular answers Talking about her snip, her hatch Her gulch, her dip Her puppet, her shack Her mulch And her mitt You're giving me testicular answers Talking about her pore Her gripper, her gum Her syrup, her drooler Her cruller, her yum Her her-cup Yeah You're giving me testicular answers So why don't you give me a call, Trina? Man: You know, I always see Harrison Ford as, like, you know, everybody's clock-maker.
You know, like, he makes that big clock that everybody is, like, setting their [bleep] heartbeats to.
But, you know, he's like a granddad who's really mad that he made a Pinocchio out of all of us.
And, you know, he gets really scared whenever he starts thinking about his legacy of, like, changing the path of human history into a bunch of Pinocchios who are, like, dancing to the beat of a [bleep] metronomic click-clack.
You know, that's Harrison Ford in my mind.
[Bleep] great guy, you know, crashing airplanes on golf courses and saving people from ravines.
That's him! Man: Introducing the 100% ground woman burger.
Now at Carl's Jr.
This is the thinker.
These are the reproductive glands.
Now for the best part.
These are his food supply.
Okay, he pops them out, he eats them with his mouth, and even when dead, the creature will regenerate new food buds.
It's fascinating.
Any minute.
Any minute now, some more will grow back.
Any minute now.
Los Angeles, Los Angeles Los Angeles, my heart is in your hands Los Angeles, Los Angeles Los Angeles, no one can understand I've been around the world so many times And now my heart is within you [ Barking ] Los Angeles, Los Angeles Los Angeles, no other place will do Hi.
How much are $1,000? Oh, those are 10,000 grands.
Oh, I only have dollar bills in the installments of 400s, and 12 little bits of pennies.
That's okay, we take coins as long as they are in Japanese Yen and that they are in one millions.
Oh, okay.
I have one millions.
Is it cool that they are Sing Sings? Sing Sings, let me just check.
Okay, we are fine here.
Well, how man dollar bills do those coins need to be if the Yens are in monetary increments, say such as a Poky Poky or a dollar holler? I don't know, we need dollars here.
Plain and simple.
I am a dollar bill.
I'm a roll of quarters.
I lost my virginity to a roll of quarters.
Me too.
Then I guess I'll show myself.
[ Rumbling ] Man: Hyah, hyah! Get along! [ Whooping ] [Bleep] cowboys.
I am a reader So I am a appalled My cat is a kneader But I don't get clawed I read it all I read it fast I read books that hold up and last I read the sad, I read the sweet I read the ones with lots of blood in the streets I am a dog Ain't that right, kitty? Let's finish "Gravity's Rainbow" tonight, okay? Yes, we will.
Yes, we will! But I will, 'cause you can't read.
I go in you.
I go in you! Loosen up, let me in.
I go in it.
[ Motor revving ] I am the man who comes to blow your leaves You are the girl who brings a drink to me I blow the out of your grass You ask me in, I say I have to pass They want me quiet, but you want me loud You'll find me blowing up the greenest of clouds I'm about to blow your mind in two Oh About to blow your mind in two Oh About to blow your mind in two Oh About to blow your mind in two Oh About to blow it Oh, no, don't blow it I'm gonna blow it Oh, no, don't blow it Gonna blow it Oh, no, don't blow it I'm gonna blow it Don't blow it [ Gasps ] Mmm! Um My boyfriend plays the bass guitar, okay? So I think I know what cool is.
Shit, girl! You ever seen my man play an elect-ter-ric bass guitar? He pops, okay? He sla-aps, mm-kay? Both his hands are like Michael Jackson's, and the bass is a moon for them to walk on, so, like Well, my boyfriend can't even play the damn bass guitar unless he got his shirt off.
Okay, shirt got to be off.
And not even in the same room with him when he plays the mother [bleep] bass! Nobody be feeling your shirtless caveman when my damn boyfriend got his foot up on whatever is knee-high so's he can rock against something when he be thumping, 'kay? And that is how he [bleeps] I can't even share a moment with you anymore, Tammy.
[ Hip-hop playing ] Bye-bye.