BrainDead (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Six Points on the New Congressional Budget: The False Dichotomy of Austerity vs. Expansionary Policies

1 Previously on BrainDead Previously on Gunsmoke (typing) Oh, I like him.
- You do? - Yeah, the new intern.
Jewish kid, right? - Hey, Gary, are you Jewish? - Half-Jewish.
What happened to the other half? (laughs) But, seriously, I'm a friend of the Jewish people.
I swam in the Red Sea, I touched the cobblestones where our Lord and savior knelt.
Have you met my chief of staff Gareth? Yes.
I mean, no.
Well, Gary the Intern, meet Gareth.
Gareth, Gary, Gary, Gareth.
It's a good thing he's not afraid of the rumors, huh? I what rumors? All the interns in my office dying horribly.
It's all just a bad coincidence.
I'm sure you'll break the curse.
Hey, it's good to have you on board.
Let's give them hell.
Senator, do you want me to work up a statement on the war vote? No.
What do you mean? About losing the war vote.
We've been getting calls for a statement.
(chuckles) We didn't lose the war vote, buddy.
- We didn't? - No.
We just need to redefine "winning.
" What happened was winning.
It was? Ah.
Go to Room SRB-54, all right? It's downstairs.
That's the room you were upset about for a while.
I want you to pick up something.
Tell them we're ready to release it.
Release what? It.
And, uh, set up a press conference for me for tomorrow.
Senator, do you still trust me? Do I? Of course I do.
- Why? - You just seem to be making moves that I don't understand.
Gareth, buddy.
You you are my tonic.
Y-You are my ballast.
Whenever I go too far, I look to you to help straighten me out.
That's trust.
Let's get crackin'.
All right? The world needs saving.
RED: You are so cute.
Yes, you are.
(chuckles) You know you are.
Yeah.
Oh, what a bad girl you are.
Okay.
You want, you want some flowers? Here you go.
All right, come on.
Come on, push.
(squishing and popping) You can do it, baby.
Push, push.
Oh, yes.
Mystic music For Red Wheatus? This is a bipartisan budget.
As many around Washington were pointing fingers, we pulled up our shirt sleeves.
And this is the result.
We have the agreement of Majority Leader Amarant to bring this to a committee vote in 48 hours.
- We can get things done in Washington.
- You're kidding me.
48 hours? I can't be seen as an obstructionist.
This was negotiated by one of yours and one of mine.
Yes, Ella, but they're in bed together.
- What? - No, not literally.
Political bed together.
Don't you see what they've done? They've brought together the extreme left and the extreme right.
They negotiated this in secret.
- Who knows what the hell's in it? - Oh, you know what's in it.
It's the same thing that's always in it pork.
She gave him military.
He gave her health care.
And we're all gonna be unhappy and happy - in the same proportion.
- God is in the details, Senator.
God is always in the details.
- Now, push this vote off.
- I can't.
I got friggin' One Wayers at my door.
Look, if you find something objectionable in here, I'll delay the vote.
There's always something objectionable.
You have 48 hours.
(phone slams) What do you need? Everyone.
Now? Yes, now! I need everyone now! You okay? Yeah, just sick of it.
- What? - The gamesmanship.
The stupid moronic tribalism of congress.
The dirty tricks.
You can't take one step forward without taking ten steps back.
- You're helping people.
- No, I'm not! I'd do better opening a lemonade stand.
(chuckles, sighs) It's okay.
Go.
Get everyone.
Listen up! This is not a budget.
This is a field of land mines.
Now, we don't know how many there are.
But we do know they are there.
Or they would have sent out a searchable PDF.
They're hiding something, and they don't want us to find it.
So here's your mission.
You have 48 hours to cross this field and find those land mines.
And you're doing it the old-fashioned way.
This is for team number one.
Page one through 368.
Michael, you take charge of it.
Read every word, sentence, and paragraph.
You have 48 hours.
This is for team number two.
Page 369 to 712.
Laurel, you take charge of it.
Keep me up to date.
Now, I don't want just a-a superficial look.
I want a (clears throat) Okay.
You guys split up the rest of the budget.
And get going.
- Go! - (all clamoring) (indistinct chatter) You're running an excellent campaign, gentlemen.
Good convention.
- Thank you.
- MAN: That's why we're here.
We need to count our chickens before they're hatched.
Oh, makes sense.
What chickens? We're pre-vetting candidates for the next administration.
You understand we have to start early, what with polls being what they are, and we don't want to be presumptuous, but we have to know the talent can clear the advise-and-consent hurdle.
You're asking me for suggestions? No, we want you to consider being vetted.
For? Director of the CIA.
Y-You want me? We want to vet you, yeah.
You have been very impressive on the Select Intelligence Committee.
- Thank you.
- KLEIN: No, thank you.
For your service to the country.
Now, if you agree, we'll need to vet you fairly quickly.
Candidate needs viable names by the end of the week.
(clears throat) Well, for the good of the country and our party, yes, I agree.
Good.
Then we'll be expediting this.
Please keep it completely confidential.
The last thing that the campaign needs is an accusation of being presumptuous.
Good.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- KLEIN: Thank you.
Thank you.
(door opens) (muffled): Yeah! (whispering): They want me to head up the CIA.
They what? I know.
Wait, who does? The campaign.
If they win.
They were with - the transition team.
- Oh, my God.
I know.
It's amazing.
Congratulations.
Oh, it's not done yet.
Like, I'm worried about the vetting process.
I have a lot of enemies out there.
Yeah, but most of your enemies would be happy to get you out of the senate.
That's a good point.
Yeah, but they won't know what the vetting's for.
- No one's supposed to know.
- No one's supposed to know - about the CIA offer? - Right.
Yeah, they don't want to be seen as presumptuous.
But you just told me.
Yeah, but you're my sister.
You can't be telling me this, Luke, That's kind of the bare minimum.
Don't tell anyone else, okay? (both laugh, phone rings) Hello? Hi.
Are you all right? You sound GARETH: Yeah.
What are you doing right now? Nothing.
- Can I meet you? - Sure, where? (door opens) RED: Yeah, this is good, but, uh, shorter words.
I'll call you back.
You make me sound like a Harvard grad.
Was that your girlfriend? On the phone? No.
I-I mean, she's not my girlfriend.
(inhales) Go ahead.
Gareth, how are you today? You're looking ill.
No, I'm good.
You're a little warm.
You sure? It's the summer heat, Senator.
Ah, right.
Are we still rowing together, buddy? I think we are, Senator.
Really? Good! Again, - good speech, - (clears throat) but I want punchy words.
You and I know what "transactional" is, but nobody else does.
Okay? Let's get on it.
(door closes) (Gareth sighs) violin tension LAUREL: Hi.
Hi.
I'm glad you called.
Can I ask you a question? (exhaling): You can ask me anything you want.
No, I'm sorry.
Y-You first.
No, no.
You go.
Mine's too weird.
Okay.
What's your boss doing with this budget? I don't know.
What do you mean? Should I be aware of something hidden in it? I don't know.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I (sighs) (scoffs) Okay.
Your turn.
What is it? (chuckles wryly) I, uh This bug stuff.
Tell me more about it.
- violin start again - Why? Because I saw something.
S01E11 Synced and corrected by LittleDuck and vivelalto I didn't see this.
You told me there were bugs in people's heads.
Yeah, but not these bugs.
Are are you sure you saw this? I don't know.
I'm not sure what (quietly): I'm not sure what I saw anymore.
And how big was it? Seriously? Yeah.
And that went in Red's head? Yeah.
This is insane.
- (insect buzzing) - I don't like things - that are this insane.
- (buzzing stops) Yeah, I know, you'll get used to it.
I just thought this was some kind of charming bohemian affectation of yours, you know? You seeing bugs.
I didn't want it to be a charming affectation of mine.
This is much bigger than any of the bugs - I've seen.
- You know, it was smaller once it dropped its eggs.
- Its eggs? - Yeah.
That's what it looked like.
- Let's go.
- Why? We have to show this to someone.
What is this about again? Uh, security clearance, just for his work on the Intelligence Committee.
KLEIN: Uh, was Senator Healy a tough boss? Luke? Not really.
I mean, he never hit me or called me names.
What about his managerial style? Was he responsive to his staff? Oh, yeah.
He's responsive.
Luke really listens.
When I used our safe word And believe me, there were plenty of times I had to I only had to say it once.
GERMAINE: Oh.
I thought you were gonna ask about all the affairs.
What affairs? Well, just so you know, I've come to accept Luke for who he is.
Yes, there were the years of lying, but I just wish (crying) Would you excuse me? Affairs.
That's gonna make a hearing a nightmare.
I know.
Let's talk to Healy again.
We need to hear his side.
GUSTAV: It's the queen, isn't it? WU: I don't know.
Where did you see it? Okay, let me just say something here: I'm not completely sure that I saw what I saw.
GUSTAV: Come on.
You told us that you saw it.
It's the queen bug, isn't it? I don't know, but this part looks like the egg sac.
That's where the eggs came out? GUSTAV: It's the queen.
We found the queen.
And why is that a good thing? - Well, if it's like other hives - Kill the queen, you kill the hive.
WU: That's a bit simplistic, but yes.
If it's anything like a beehive, the workers all die if the queen dies.
ROCHELLE: That's one way to attack it, then.
We just need to kill one bug.
Not thousands.
Yes.
If it acts like hive.
Do we know where this queen is now? - I think I'd better go.
- No.
Wait.
Why? Because you're going to want to know how to get a large bug out of my boss' head, and I don't think I have the patience for that conversation.
It's in Senator Wheatus' head? - We should kill him.
- LAUREL: What? No.
ROCHELLE: We can't kill a senator, Gustav, that's ridiculous.
GUSTAV: I'm just saying that if it saves the human race, is it wrong? Yes, it's wrong.
Human race? When did we start talking about "human race"? You didn't tell him everything.
No, I-I don't think it's really a good idea to get into What? What is "everything"? - They're not of this world.
- Gustav.
I'm going.
It was good talking.
We're not sure about that part.
It's-it's just a theory.
It's just a theory that the bugs come from another planet? You don't have to believe that to know that something weird is going on.
There's always something weird going on.
This is insane.
I'm not disagreeing.
Okay.
I just I have to get back to work.
Well, call me, okay? Or am I too insane? I'll call.
Hey, Mom, how are you guys? Oh, honey! Hey, it's Gareth.
It's the middle of the day.
- NORA: What's wrong, honey? - Nothing.
I just wanted to hear how you guys were.
Oh, we're good.
Your father's home between shifts.
He's just fixing the toaster for the 15th time - instead of just buying a new one.
- It's perfectly good.
I'm happy to hear nothing's changed.
Honey, you sound funny.
What is it? - Are things crazy there? - No, I'm good.
How's Kathy? Oh, she's good.
We're trying a new medication.
So far, so good, so she's happy.
You know who dropped by? - Don't tell him about that.
- Why not? Because he'll be poisoned against her, because you brought her up.
Wait, what's Dad saying? NORA: Nothing.
He wanted me not to mention that Mary Anne dropped by to see how you were doing.
Oh, my God.
She's pre-med now.
- Okay, I'm hanging up.
- Wait, why? She she just wanted to see how you were doing.
I love you, Mom.
Good-bye.
- See? I told you.
- Your dad's saying - "I told you.
" - I love you, Mom.
I just have to go.
Give Mary Anne a call, okay? She still wonders why you broke up.
Okay.
I will.
Bye.
Gotta go.
Hello.
Fiber.
They don't count fiber.
Excuse me? These energy bars in your drawer? You'd be better off eating two Hostess cupcakes.
Fiber increases the calorie intake by 20%.
And this, here: "Made with natural ingredients.
" Everything is natural.
It could have human hair in it; it would still be natural.
You need to look for "organic.
" There's a legal definition for "organic.
" Why were you in my desk? I was bored.
I couldn't find the budget.
Ah.
I should've looked in the credenza, there.
Or you could've waited in reception for me to return.
- Who are you? - Cole Stockwell.
Sorry, I don't shake hands; it's not personal.
And why are you here? The senator told me to help you.
I used to write budgets.
I used to translate human language into this.
He hired me to do the reverse: translate this back into human language.
Ah.
Great.
Can I see the collar here? - Why? - It's just something I do.
Okay.
(chuckles) Sorry.
Just "40% cotton.
" That always makes me laugh.
(laughing) (phone ringing) Do you mind? No, no.
Don't mind me.
I'll just Ha.
Laurel Healy.
Miss Healy, this is Senator Red Wheatus.
Do you recognize my voice? I do.
Would you like to speak to my brother, Senator? Mm, no, no, I want to speak to you.
I have something I need to show you.
You do? - And what is that? - Well, I could tell you, but that would hurt the surprise.
"Spending for means-tested entitlements "other than Medicaid enacted at 1.
3% GDP.
" Love it.
I'm a little busy, Senator.
Come to my office.
This'll only take 20 minutes.
No, let's do it someplace public.
Lana, I have some oppo research here to present to you.
You're not gonna want to be in public for this.
- I'll call you back.
- Lana, no, you can't just It's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I spend my life writing laws in a way nobody can figure out what they mean.
I know every trick in the book.
I invented some of them, but this this is like the Picasso of legislation.
I just have to tip my hat and cry.
Hey, it's me.
Red Wheatus just called me.
He did? Why? He wants to meet.
Who is it? With-with who? You? - Yes.
- Red Wheatus just called Laurel.
He wants to meet.
Yes, definitely.
This is an opportunity.
We need to find a way to draw the queen out.
WU: From my hymenoptera books All with queens.
Will you be safe if you meet with him? I don't know, I guess.
Okay, then we think you should do it.
But be careful.
I will.
- I'll call you.
- COLE: You know the weird thing? This budget is going out of its way to offer something for everyone? Then why are they hiding it all in gobbledygook? Why do they hide Waldo? Because it's fun to find him.
It's talking to me.
This budget it wants me to find Waldo.
They said that? - In so many words.
- And a few gestures.
So it's all about sex.
- I thought we were past that.
- We're never past that.
POHL: Senator, you have a lot going for you.
We cannot have a Petraeus problem on our hands.
So? What do we do about it? Well, for starters, you provide us with a complete list of all the women you've had relations with and then we go from there.
Hmm.
You know, I just became a father.
And when I looked into my daughter's face for the first time, I thought, "My God, all the clichés are true.
" I knew, right then, I had to be a better man.
I made a commitment.
I went to all the women you're asking about and I told them it was over.
And I meant it.
I haven't spoken to any of them since and I don't even think about it.
But even if I hadn't, are you really suggesting I can't do my job because I'm a failed human being? Does your candidate really want to be suggesting that? (creaking) (faint buzzing) (buzzing continues) (phone rings) (phone rings) Hello.
Hey, it's me.
Is it too late? I (chuckles) No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm here.
What's up? I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Are you? I am.
I'm just, um (sighs) What are you doing? You don't have to do this.
Shut up.
It's not just an excuse to have you come over Gareth.
I don't even know if I believe this.
I know.
We can have sex if you want.
No.
Shh, it's okay.
What is happening in the world? Same thing as usual.
Disruption.
People don't like normal.
I like normal.
That's why I like you.
You'll keep the bugs away? Yes.
We 're wrapping up our vetting of Senator Healy, and moving on to a closer look into his family.
I understand you had some interaction with Senator Healy's sister, Laurel.
Laurel Healy was brought in for over 12 hours of intensive questioning under an Appendix Q scenario, regarding her possible connection to a terrorist group in Syria.
Still an open file, actually.
Her involvement? She had some pretty radical ideas to explain the catastrophic head injuries.
How radical? STOCKWELL: "An expected default "by the Postal Service on required contributions to the Postal Service retiree health benefits fund" Can you stop talking? It's kind of making my head explode.
STOCKWELL: It just means One second, Stockwell.
How are you doing? Fine.
Metadata.
I'm sorry, what? Metadata.
I went through the Word document on Red's laptop.
The budget.
It shows all the corrections that he made in the budget.
- And? - There were no alterations or corrections anywhere else, except for one area.
There were two dozen corrections in one section of the budget.
Which section? The farm bill.
- The farm bill? - Yeah.
Everything Red cares about is in the farm bill.
All the corrections were there.
I have to go.
Thank you.
Look in the farm bill section.
Why? What's in it? I don't know, but look.
POHL: Ms.
Healy? Hello, I'm wondering if you have a minute to talk about your brother? As part of the vetting process, we have to dive deep into family history, checking into any potential liabilities.
Okay, great.
What do you think about bugs? Excuse me? Bugs.
What do you think of 'em? H-Have you been, uh, noticing a larger amount of them than usual in D.
C.
? I don't understand.
We talked to an FBI agent Anthony Onofrio? Why do you say that name? I broke up with him and he didn't handle it well.
So he abused his position and interrogated me at an FBI black site.
Is that true? It is.
So, you-you never said anything, uh, like "Bugs are eating half the brains of senators and turning them into zombies"? (laughs) (chuckles) (laughs) Seriously? I know.
(whoops, laughs) Bugs? (laughs) Ha.
(all laughing) (door opens) Okay, monkey brains.
That's how we get the bugs out of Red's head.
Bad time? GUSTAV: Sorry, I didn't know that you were in a meeting.
- What is this? - Monkey brains.
Excuse me? Brains from a monkey.
I got 'em down in Chinatown.
Take them into the Red meeting.
It's the carrot to draw out the queen bug.
Oh, God, they smell.
I know.
(inhales sharply) I tried to hide it with cologne.
- Are you serious? - If we're not gonna kill Red, we need to draw out the queen bug.
- You know, let's just put it in here.
- Oh, my God.
I actually think you secretly like this.
No, actually, no.
This is my face when I don't like something.
Hey, what happened at your interview with Pohl? What do you mean? I got a call that it didn't go well.
I think I'm out of contention.
It was about the affairs, right? No, I don't think so.
You don't? What do you mean? They had everything from the black site interrogation.
I think they think I'm crazy.
Oh, my God, this about the bugs? - Let me handle it.
- Laurel, you can't cost me this.
I'll handle it.
Just let me handle it.
(Melanesian choir music playing) (knocking) Come on in.
(Melanesian choir music continues) Yeah, you like it? I just found it on iTunes.
Melanesian choir.
"Jisas, Masta Mi Save.
" Yeah, I think so.
Top 20.
(humming along) What do you need, Senator? - Well - (music stops) it might be what you need.
You've slept with 24 different guys, haven't you? Ah, oppo research.
And one of those guys ended up murdering his mom for her Social Security money.
- Really? Which one? - Uh Pavlov Whinship.
Seriously? - Oh, my God, I liked him.
- (chuckles): Yeah.
Well, there are other unsavory aspects to your history here.
- Fistfight with a cab driver? - (chuckling): Yeah.
So here's the key, Laurel.
- Hey, you got my name right.
- I've got a stick.
And I've got a carrot.
You've heard the stick.
Oppo research.
But What's that smell? I don't know.
Do you smell something? I do.
The carrot? R-Right.
Right, right.
Well, (music resumes) I like this music.
I've been listening to it all afternoon.
I wouldn't mind seeing a documentary about it.
I wonder if you know of someone who might be interested.
My caucus has a $2 million fund to invest in such a documentary.
You wouldn't do that.
Why wouldn't I? Because you don't care about the Solomon Islands.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I love this part.
(singing along) (music stops) Here's what I do care about; getting rid of you.
You'd pay me $2 million to get rid of me? (laughing): Oh, yeah.
Well, look at this.
What kind of brains are those? Monkey.
What's in the farm bill? I'm a little busy right now.
Why don't you take your Tupperware of monkey brains and, uh, think about whether you want to make documentaries.
And, yes, that's the first time I've used that sentence.
- $2 million? - Yep.
You can make a pretty good documentary with that.
Think about it.
On second thought, I'm gonna keep this.
Thank you for coming back, Mr.
Pohl.
I just wanted to clarify our previous misunderstanding.
Are you familiar with the auteur theory? See, I'm a filmmaker, and as a filmmaker, I use the language of metaphor.
This is my most recent work.
LAUREL'S VOICE: Not with tanks, but with an infection.
(shouting indistinctly) An infection of extremism.
See, here I use "infection" to represent revolution.
And you made that documentary? I did.
So, all the bug stuff you heard was just my way of talking about extremism in Washington.
As an artist, I use metaphors a lot.
Probably too much.
I (chuckles) I love metaphors.
(laughing): Come on, Ms.
Healy.
Bugs as metaphor? LAUREL: Well, there's a long history.
I mean, Kafka's cockroach.
Nabokov's butterflies.
Carlo Collodi's Jiminy Cricket.
I always loved him.
Me, too.
John, this budget bill is a train wreck.
We can't let them derail us with it.
Tell me I have your vote.
RECEPTIONIST: Senator, it's Agent Roarty from the CIA.
John? John, I'll have to call you back.
(exhales deeply) Agent Roarty, what can I do for you? Yes.
I-I'd be happy to come in for a briefing with the director.
Understood.
All security measures will be taken and are acceptable.
I will see you then.
(grunts) I have now successfully translated the farm bill section into layman's legalese.
No easy feat, let me tell you.
These guys are masters.
- And? What does it do? - It provides the usual subsidies to various well-connected agribusinesses.
Plus, one little oddity even I can't explain.
- Which is? - $300 million for a construction project, located in 80 small towns across the country.
They're not known for growing anything.
What are the towns? "Dove Creek, Hotchkiss, "Lemon Cove, Peetz Hill, and Ribera.
" What? They sound familiar.
Why? (victorious music) Do you want me to wait here? Hello? These are the same towns.
Okay.
And these are blueprints for Internment camps.
Internment camps for whom? I don't know.
But why bury the budget for internment camps in a farming bill? (air conditioner humming) (air conditioner stops) It's the heat.
I'm sorry, what? The air-conditioning in the Russell Building is on a timer.
It shuts off at exactly 10:30 p.
m.
Bugs need a temperature between 85 and 95 degrees to spawn.
How do you know that? It's true.
I don't know why it's important, but it's true.
Hmm.
(sighs) All I've done for the last 24 hours is Google bugs.
They need 85 degrees to spawn, and the Russell Building only hits that temperature after the A/C shuts down.
When did you see the queen bug spawn the last time? 11:00 p.
m.
- So the queen will come out again.
- After 10:30.
(exhales) It's official.
I'm insane.
RED: Since when has idealism become a dirty word, Senator? I'm an idealist and proud of (crackling) (grunts, moans) One second, baby.
One second.
Patience.
(whispering): Patience.
Uh-huh.
Then join us.
What you call moderation I call not giving a crap.
All right.
All right.
All right, bye.
Bye.
Uh, I'm getting them.
(chuckling): I'm getting (soft grunting) Where are the cherry blossoms? The flowers there? Yeah.
The flowers there.
Where are they? They were dying, Senator.
I threw them out.
Cherry blossom season is almost over I don't want a dissertation, I want cherry bl (chuckles) Not yet.
No not yet.
You might try the other room? Good enough.
(soft grunting) Oh, good.
You found them.
I-I wasn't sure (grunting) (trilling) Uh, sorry.
I cut that one a little close, didn't I? Senator, good evening.
What? What are you doing? Just came by to talk about my documentary.
Not now.
I need you out of my office.
Or? Wh-What? You said you need me out of your office.
Or? Th-There is no "or.
" I am a senator, and you are nothing.
- Who were you talking to before? - It's none of your business.
- Let me see.
- No, no, no, no.
There's the door.
I need you to leave.
Go on.
Don't treat my office like some bus station waiting room.
He's blocking it.
It's out.
Hurry! Hurry, they're coming! Hurry! (grunting) Get off me! - ROCHELLE: Where is it? - His desk.
There! LAUREL: It's going for his ear! Watch-watch it! Watch it! I got him.
Go! (grunts) LAUREL: There it goes! GUSTAV: Under the couch! ROCHELLE: Okay.
Okay Don't you dare hurt her! (moans) Damn.
There! There! - There! - Oh! Aah! (clattering) - Gary! - Shh! (Red screaming) Did you need me, Senator? (screaming) Senator? Senator? No! Hey! No! Hey, hey! Hey! You get your hands (indistinct struggling) (gasps) Get out of here now.
You lost.
Get out! Gary the Intern, get the Capitol Police on the line.
Yes, Senator.
If you don't want to be arrested, I'd go right now.
MAN: Senator Healy.
I'm Bob Isenstadt.
You probably don't know me.
I'm the director's director.
"The director's director"? Is that an official title? (chuckling): No, more like an honorific.
I'm here for continuity.
CIA directors come and go, but I stay, just like crabgrass.
(both chuckle) - You're the Hoover of the CIA? - (laughs) We're gonna get along fine.
Why don't you come on back? BOB: Sit on down, Senator.
Congratulations.
You're the top choice for CIA director.
And now comes the fun part.
(chuckles) Is there a fun part? The security briefing.
Just as the presidential candidates are given a classified briefing on ongoing programs and dilemmas, the CIA directors get the same.
So, here we are.
Well, I am ready.
Uh, just a few preliminaries, if you don't mind.
This will be my 21st briefing of a CIA director, but they never get old.
The presidential candidates have been told what I'm about to tell you.
But no one else.
And you're to tell no one.
Or discuss with anyone.
You understand? Yes.
Good.
Two months ago, a meteor from the constellation Draco landed in the Russian province of Chelyabinsk.
Inside this meteor were flesh-eating bugs.
Now, we don't have a name for them yet, but these bugs appear to enter through the eardrum of humans, and consume about 40% of the cerebral hemisphere.
The corpus callosum.
The resulting victim undergoes several alterations of character.
They become angrier, more directed, and whatever biases they had before, whether political or cultural, become more aggravated.
Until recently, we did not know the reason for this parasite, but now we believe it is part of an intelligent outside plan to keep mankind struggling with itself.
I know this sounds incredible.
And as of two weeks ago, I probably would've laughed such a story out of my office, but this is real.
Do you understand? I, uh I-I heard something like this.
Yes, we're aware of that.
We need to ask something of you, Senator.
We need you and your sister to stand down.
- My sister? - Well, yeah.
She was one of the first to discover this attack, and she stumbled across our path, preventing us from moving on the ringleaders.
Just last night, we were attempting to take Red Wheatus into custody, but your sister and her friends prevented us from executing our operation.
The CIA respects amateurs, but we're (chuckling): also wary of them! They tend to make our lives difficult.
We have a plan to battle this invasion yes, I'll call it that but we need you and your sister to stand down.
You understand? I Yes, uh th-this is so bizarre.
Yes, it is.
But still, it's nothing like Fallujah.
Well, thank you for, uh, coming in.
(clears throat quietly) We'll be in touch.
Yes, uh thank you.
I, uh Thank you.
What do you think? I think it worked.
Synced and corrected by LittleDuck and vivelalto