Brockmire (2017) Episode Scripts

It All Comes Down to This

1 Jim: You always said you'd never leave Kansas City unless it was for something really big.
Well, I just got an offer from New York, darlin'.
The Yankees? The Mets.
Ohh.
Yeah, I know, but I'd still be the voice of New York.
And you and I would finally be the king and queen of a great city of the city.
Well, Kansas City's a great city.
Yeah, for ribs, and that's it.
And Memphis is better.
[Gasps] Jim, we have neighbors.
Watch your mouth.
We've built a life for ourselves here.
It's also small-time, is what it is.
I'm I'm a peacock, darlin'.
I need to strut my stuff out there on the world stage.
[Sighs] I love you, Jim.
And I want you to be happy.
So let's do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- New York? - Yeah.
Honey, I love you.
I love you.
- [Laughs] - Mwah.
You know, the first time you said that to me was 20 years ago today.
Is today the 9th? Mm-hmm.
Oh, how could I have forgotten that? - I'm sorry.
- Aww.
You can make it up to me later.
Oh-kay! - [Laughs] - All right.
I might need a little nap first, but yeah, yeah.
- [Slap!] - Oh! - Love you, honey.
- I love you, too! [Door opens] Supper will be on the stove! Thank you.
[Door closes] [Car engine starts] [Dialing] [Car drives off] [Line ringing] Bob: [Filtered voice] Bob Greenwald.
You shut your mouth, you little bitch.
Yes, Mistress L.
Now, I want you to grab some nitrous, and you get your tiny dick to my house.
[Squeaking] [Man speaking indistinctly in distance] How is it still on fire after a week?! It's like we're in hell! I feel that hell would be more impressive.
These FEMA assholes won't let us play just 'cause the ground temperature is 157.
They wear cleats, you know! [ Cellphone rings ] I'm gonna take this.
[Chuckling] Okay.
Joe Buck.
Are we "randomly call each other during the day" friends now? Mm, no, not quite.
I've got you listed as Golden-Voiced Homeless Man number 2 in my phone.
Look, the way I see it, Musburger's turd means I owe you a favor now.
I've been making some calls, and I may have gotten you a job in baseball.
Oh, Joe, I would kill up to five people for you if you could get me the hell outta here.
Atlanta's thinking about making a change at play-by-play, but you make them nervous.
So, here's the deal.
You got to go down [Sniffs] You got to go down to their AAA club in New Orleans and work for a while.
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
And tell 'em not to be nervous.
Tell 'em I don't drink hard liquor between the hours of 6:00 and 11:00 a.
m.
What about drugs? Oh, no, the cocaine, that's just it's like little confidence cups of coffee during the day, little bumps.
That's all.
Buddy, listen.
If you can make it no booze between 6:00 a.
m.
and 5:00 p.
m.
, and coke only on the weekends, I think I can hook this up for you.
All right, there, mommy.
Okay, but either way, this calls for a celebration.
The only catch is you have to start immediately.
[Sniffing] Ahh.
What was that? What was that? - Who do you think you are?! - Oh, oh, I gotta go.
Thank you, Joe Buck.
[Scoffs] Let me know.
This is crap.
Who do you think you are?! You think you're such a big shot, Mr.
FEMA guy! - All right.
Okay.
- You know who you are? You're just the orderly that's summoned when America shits itself! All right, easy there.
Hey, Jake LaMotta, easy.
Hey, let him go.
Come on, Jules.
My goodness, it's not his fault.
[Panting] I know.
It's Pennsylvania Shale's.
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm playing solitaire.
Yeah, I got addicted to the solitaire on my office computer, so I come in here You set fire to my field?! I heard about the natural phenomenon occurring at the stadium.
That is a shame.
I just want to assure you that we Just be real for one God damn second and admit that you set fire to my field because you want my team to go under for some bullshit reason! I would never, ever do anything like that.
And even if I did, I would never admit to it 'cause I'm assuming you're recording me.
What? Come on.
Slide it over.
Okay.
- Fine.
- [Cellphone slides] [Cellphone beeps] Spy pen, please.
The one just pokin' on out of the bag.
That's good.
All right.
[Clears throat] Wow, are you kidding me? You have a record player in your boardroom? - Shh, shh, shh.
- [Spiritual chanting] It just sounds warmer.
My God, you're so sick.
Look, this is nothing personal, Jules.
I genuinely like you.
You are very, very good-looking, but the forces you're facing are bigger than me.
They're bigger than Pennsylvania Shale.
Someday, when everything switches over to solar panels in a hundred years, or, you know, God willing, 200, a guy like me is gonna be having the exact same conversation with someone who owns the best place to catch the sun.
Or maybe it'd even sound different, like like that future language in "Cloud Atlas.
" Oh, my God, I Have you seen? That movie is wild.
[Spiritual chanting continues] What were we talking about right before that? All right, asshole.
I thought that my revenge was gonna be satisfying, but I guess I'll just have to settle [blows] for petty.
What what do we got here? It's something from a naturally occurring puddle inside the visitor bullpen.
No, no.
Don't, please, don't! - Ha! - Not the vinyl! Oh, my God, the smell! [Gags] Aah! Aah! Aah! [Spiritual chanting continues] Aaaaaaah! It burns! It's burning my eyes! Make it stop.
It burns! [Pants unzip] [Ringtone plays NFL broadcast theme music] - What'd you decide, Jim? - [Urinating] I'm torn, Joe Buck.
I want the job, of course, but the problem is Jules.
I love her, and I'm terrified of her.
Probably in equal measure.
Look, I think I've given you the wrong impression.
Uh, I just wanted to do you a solid.
I didn't volunteer to be the guy you come to for life advice.
You ever mad eye contact with someone while they stuck a finger farther and farther up your butt? And you don't know how much more you can handle, but they do? I'm in the bathroom right now.
Ah, just answer the question, Joe.
I was born in Florida.
Of course I've had a finger in my ass.
Then you know what it's like to be in love, Joe Buck.
I'm hanging up now.
Hey Fucking Brockmire.
Hey! I have great news.
Don't tell me those bastards agreed to accept responsibility.
No, they kicked me off their property and file a restraining order against me.
But then FEMA called and said that the last fire finally went out on the field.
So we can re-sod the grass and play our last game.
Are you ready? I mean, I got nowhere else to be.
[Sighs] Jim: So, we have to do what to pay off your loan? I have to sell a week's worth of concessions is one game, and we have to win to stay above .
500.
Forgive my negativity, but you're not gonna sell that much in one day.
Nobody's gonna eat 15 hot dogs.
[Rowdy laughter] They might drink 15 beers.
You know, we never did better business than when we forfeited the Butler game and everybody just stayed and drank.
All right, so we get the entire stadium to get as drunk as humanly possible.
I love that plan.
Swing the bat, hit the ball - Knock it right over the wall - Ahh.
It's time to play a baseball game Step right to the plate and take your aim See the home team score the winning run Okay, so, I posted about you doing a live podcast on your Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook.
Maybe we could also live stream it, right? Maybe one of those, uh, PayPal donate buttons generate some, uh What do you call it? Some crowdsource money, huh? Yeah.
That's a a great idea.
What can I say? I learned from the best, didn't I? - [Slaps back] - All right, here we go.
Let's play a baseball game Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Morristown Stadium.
We have got a heck of a ballgame planned for you here this afternoon.
Now, in order to keep the Frackers right here in Morristown where they belong, we have decided to hold a stadium-wide drinkin' contest.
That's right, a stadium-wide drinkin' contest.
The rules of this game are simple.
After every inning, drink a beer.
After every run scored, drink a beer.
Heck, after ever strikeout, drink a beer.
Oh, if the guy sittin' next to you drinks a beer, - you got to drink a beer.
- [Cheering] And drink a beer every time you hear me say the magic words, "Hey, everybody, drink a beer!" So, good luck to us and good luck to our Frackers.
[Switch clicks] Are you gonna die? Probably not.
But, hey, if somethin' should happen, Charles, I just I want to thank you for all your assistance and your companionship.
You just believe it or not, you're the best friend I have on this earth.
That seemed to terrify you.
Why is that? Well, it's 'cause I could say the same thing about you.
I really need to get my shit together.
Oh, welcome to the club, my young friend.
Welcome to the club.
I'll drink to that.
To gettin' shit together.
22 beers for the price of 21, guys.
Hi again.
Whoo-hoo! Yep, okay.
Good on you.
More beer we need more beer! Jim: Yoshi workin' on an 0-2 count to the leadoff batter.
[Yells] Oh, I haven't seen gas like that from Yoshi since he played for the Yankees.
That is the first strikeout of the game, folks, and that means that we are drinkin' a beer! - [Cheering] - Everybody drink a beer.
Cheers! Jim: You know what? Folks, everybody burp with me.
Everybody, one, two, three [All belching] Jules: I don't care if they puke.
Just keep selling beer! Man: Whoo! Move it! Next.
That do? Here is your change.
Ah-haha! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Move y'all big ass! Ha ha ha! Jim: Little pop-up to the third-base side.
Uribe giving chase.
Does he have room? - He does! - [Cheers and applause] That'll end the third, and that means that we are drinkin' a beer, Morristown! - Everybody drink a beer! - [Tab pops] Ha! Salute.
[Cheers and applause] No sipping, everybody.
Chugging only.
Come on.
Man: Yeah, Pedro! [Slurring] All right, bot bottom of the fifth.
Oh, here he comes.
Folks, if you are feeling the breeze out there in left field, that is coming from the bat of John Elton, who has struck out swingin' three times today.
Hey! Shut up! Hey, you shut up.
Just just concentrate on the ball for once.
Oh! Somebody just set that vacuum on blow! Home run for John Elton! That just made the score 1-0.
My goodness! That means that we are drinkin' a beer! Drink a beer, everybody.
Mmm! That is the unlikeliest beer I have ever drunk.
Home run for John Elton.
Oh! Well, that's for you, too, son.
That's for you.
Congratulations.
Mm! [Cheers and applause] All right, now, it's time for the seventh-inning stretch.
Or you you can just stay sitting if standing is too hard for you.
Whoo! Anyway, mm, mm, mm.
Ohh.
Mwah! [Grunts] Hey, everybody.
Hey, Morristown.
Why do men do that at the urinal? Why do they lean their head on the on the wall? What's up with that? - Anyway - Keep 'em comin'! Jules: Guys, not throwing it, please.
Oh, this microphone feels cool on my head.
[Adding machine rattling] [Exhales sharply] Everybody Ooh, hoo, everybody's feelin' it now.
I know that I am.
[Chuckles] Whoa.
M-Morristown, um - [Door opens] - Jim, we did it! [Laughing] We did it! We made more than enough to pay off the loan.
- You can stop drinking.
- Oh, that's so good.
That's so good! Oh, my God! What are you doing? Stop! I'm celebratin'.
Come on, you got to celebrate.
We'll still have to win the game.
Uh, wha We're not winnin'? Come on.
What's the score? Pfft! I'm drunk.
[Laughs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm drunk.
God damn it, I'm drunk.
Jim, we're up by a run, but the bases are loaded with no outs in the top of the ninth.
- Oh, that is not good.
- No.
- So I am drinking a beer.
- Don't - No, no, no, stop, stop.
- Stop, please.
Jules, when'd you get here? Hey, how we doin' doin' on money? Oh, dear God.
I gotta pee.
Oh, my Ah, pfft! Come on.
Ah! Oh, shit.
He finally snapped.
[Clapping] Time-out.
Time, time, time.
Announcer's time.
Bring it in.
Frackers.
Come on, bring it in, move it! Whoo.
All right.
How you doin', Yoshi? All right, good.
Yo, hustle it up.
Good hustle, good hustle.
[Claps] Ohh.
[Laughs] You guys are great.
You, I love.
Mwah! Mwah! Oh! You sweaty.
[Sobbing] Why is Brockmire sobbing, telling us that he loves us? Because I do love you! Because you guys, you play the game Wait.
that you all fell in love with as kids.
And that's it's beautiful.
[Snickers] That's beautiful.
It's beautiful, right? Yeah, we'll just all gently agree with whatever he says, okay? Hey, look.
It's your pal, Charles.
- Charles.
- Charles.
- What are you - Go get him.
Life is hard for you 'cause you're black.
- Oh.
- And that's that's insane.
- It's crazy, man.
- Come on.
It's wrong.
Let's go.
What year is it? It's it's it's the current year that that it is? - Absolutely.
- That's not right.
That's right, come on.
Wait, I forgot to tell them one thing.
- No, no, it's fine.
- No.
They'll be fine.
They'll be fine.
- They'll be fine without it.
- All right, easy.
Yoshi's running on fumes, so somebody has to step up.
Come on, guys, I signed you all 'cause I saw that you all had something.
Or had something left.
Danny, I watched you turn a gorgeous double play at a juco in upstate New York.
Uribe, a scout sent me a link to your highlights in the Venezuelan league.
I tracked you down that night.
And, John Elton John Elton.
Honestly, that was a mistake.
I asked an agent for Juan Eltun, and he misheard me.
But Actually explains a lot.
But you just hit the go-ahead home run.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
-Yeah.
If he can do that, just imagine what the rest of you are capable of.
- Yes! - All right.
I know this wasn't your dream to be here, but it is mine.
So please, someone get out there and make a God damn play! [Cheering] - Let's go! - Uno, dos, tres All: Frackers! For you, Miss Jules! For you! Where'd you get that? I don't know.
I just looked down, and there it was.
Tell you what I feel naked, uh, watching the game without a microphone in my hand.
How's this? Where'd you get that? I don't know.
I just looked down, and it was there.
- You're a prodigy.
God damn you, prodigy.
- Thank you.
- [Microphone feedback squeaks] - All right, hey.
- Drunken idiots of Morristown - [Cheers and applause] Yeah, hello.
Turn your attention to the field.
You will see the greatest victory in the history of Morristown right now.
Come on, Frackers! From your lips to Willie Stargell's ears.
Come on now, Frackers! Come on, cheer 'em.
- Go, let's go! - Oh, Yoshi.
You got this, mang.
Joo got this.
Man: Go, Yoshi.
Come on, Yoshi! Oh, nice grab by Uribe.
Round the horn.
Umpire: Out! [Cheers and applause] Triple play! Triple play! Whoo! Yeah! We did it! I never seen it! I never seen a triple play to win a game! Baseball lives in Morristown! [Cheering continues] Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! [Screaming] [Gunshot] Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Gunshot] Oh, my God! Yeah! [Cheering continues] [Gunshot echoes] Well, good morning, sunshine.
Hey.
[Sighs] Uh I'm sorry.
Atlanta wants to audition me to be their new announcer.
They want me to finish off the season at AAA New Orleans.
[Inhales sharply] Look, you know that if I have a path to The Show, I just I have to take it.
I know.
[Chuckles] Jules, come with me.
[Laughs] You know I can't.
[Sighs] I'm not going to abandon my team.
Why not? God, you have this fantasy that if you save the team, you're gonna save the town.
But you're plugging a dam with a dozen other leaks in it.
How do you think this place got to be the way it is? Anytime anybody made anything, then they just left.
If you really wanted me to come, you wouldn't have packed your bags before you asked.
Oh, screw the hey.
Screw the bags, okay? - I want you with me.
I love you.
- No! You don't get to say that while you're walking out the door.
Ah, see? This is why I did not want to get involved, okay? - I didn't want get - Trapped? I wasn't gonna say "trapped," all right? I was gonna use a different word than "trapped.
" A-a nicer word.
Uh, enmeshed.
I've never trapped a man in my life.
You want to leave? Leave.
Wha [Sighs] I don't wanna leave.
I have to leave, Jules.
I Yeah, I know, sure.
Take care of yourself.
Wait.
About a year from now, you're gonna realize the colossal mistake you just made.
You're gonna come crawling back.
You're gonna want to fix it.
You're gonna try to sweet-talk me.
Let me save you the time and tell you right now.
Go fuck yourself.
You're dead to me.
Now you can go.
Can I just can I grab my bag? Leave! - Please? - Now! [Door closes, bagpipes playing] Charles: Where's your luggage? I am going to get drunk and pass out.
Wake me when we get to Louisiana.
[Sighs] Sure thing.
[Engine starts] So, this, uh this apartment you're getting in New Orleans, I'm assuming it's a two-bedroom 'cause I don't know if I can handle a Bert and Ernie, twin-bed situation.
I actually understood that reference.