Bullet in the Face (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Cradle To Grave
1 (Beeping) Oh! No! They have destroyed my favourite art gallery.
My baby will be here soon.
You green-eyed witch.
You're trying to steal the spotlight from epic downfall! I cannot control this.
My water will break soon.
My water is breaking right now! Where are you going? Take an interest in my career! Enough of this.
(Telephone beeping) Hello.
(Siren wailing in distance) I think you've been looking for me.
This is Tannhäuser.
Now, listen to me.
Sun Tzu says if your opponent has a choleric disposition, you should irritate him.
(Siren wailing in distance) I do hope this is hitting the spot.
(Beep) (Explosion) (Dial tone) That piece of shit, calling me here like some telemarketer.
I don't care what it takes, I want you dead.
Dead! (Sighing) I also wanna know what the hell you look like.
Is he good? Is he bad? Psychopath or sexy cad? Sinner or saint? The sinner fell But the saint wound up in hell We took his face Gave him another He changed his place Bullet in the face (Gunshots and people shouting) Gunter, you got a second? And now I don't.
Auf Wiedersehen, Hagerman.
Get lost.
Our city's being torn apart, and we don't have enough man power.
Then use children.
None of this would be happening if Gunter Vogler was on the streets.
The law and lawless alike are all afraid of me.
I brought balance to this city.
But I'm not interested in fair and balance.
I wanna save this city from Racken and Tannhäuser.
Ha ha ha! It's too late! Oh my God! It's a bomb! Everyone clear out of here! (People screaming) The bomb squad just left.
I'll order them back.
Forget it! They must have planted it.
I saw them fiddling with that machine like Nero when Rome was burning.
The corruption in this city is so thick, the police started taking chew toys as bribes.
Commissioner, we need to evacuate.
No! If I lose this building, I lose the city.
Stop! What do you even know about bombs? That they explode.
Hagerman, fetch me a knife.
- Aaah! - Sorry.
(Beeping) (Growling) (Grunting) (Screaming) (Laughing) (Alarm blaring) Oh! Much sadness.
None of the cops outside survived.
(Giggling) Wipe that look of glee off your face! No one needed to die.
True, if they'd stayed inside.
Instead, they fled like yellow kittens running from a Korean butcher.
And now, their remains are splattered on windshields like bird droppings.
(Chuckling) What a fitting end for shitty people.
(Laughing) La la La la la la ( Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata) I'm ready to go to the hospital.
Yeah, well, there's no one to take you.
All the guards downstairs have run away.
They're off my Christmas list.
But you can feel very safe here in my secret hideaway.
You know why? Because it's secret.
Well, since you seem to be incapable of making it through the doorway without a nervous breakdown, I would like a cab.
Like a cab? That's very funny.
Normally, you say, "I want a Merlot.
" This is levity under stress, a true sign of greatness.
But I have decided.
I have decided that you should have the baby here.
We have everything we need for a delivery.
We have balloons.
We have many balloons! No.
I will go to the hospital, even if I have to walk.
(Grunting) (Groaning) Aaah! Oh! No! You're insane! Let me go! I'm going to have a baby any minute! Yes! Who's baby? Not mine, is it? Don't even tell me.
I know.
It is Gunter's! Who told you about us? I knew.
Your aura of sluttishness.
You have contaminated my hideaway with your "slutticiousness".
But you could have never fooled me because I am Master of the universe.
You think you're God, don't you? No, he thinks he's me.
Let me tell you how this is gonna happen.
You're gonna have the baby, OK? Then you're gonna die, OK? Bear that in mind.
Then baby comes along, I adopt the baby.
Interesting.
I'll make an excellent stay-at-home parent, because I think that agoraphobics make perfect stay-at-home dads.
Thought you were gonna do that.
OK, put it on the ground.
Slide it to me just like they do in the films.
You know where you went wrong? You should've had an affair with a woman.
Then we could've made videos! (Exhales) (Groans) Ow! My knees! (Groaning) (Panting) (Groaning) (Coughing) (Groans) (Exhales) Return my face and let me go.
This city won't be here in the morning.
It will be like the Earth from thousands of years ago when dinosaurs filled lakes with diarrhoea! We had an agreement.
I want Tannhäuser brought to justice! (Explosion, glass breaking) And what do you think this goddamn blitzkrieg is all about, huh? When the city is gone, he will be too! Find Tannhäuser in time and the war will end just like when Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq.
Ha ha! The war didn't end after that! It did in the US versions of events.
Ugh! Give me Tannhäuser's lair, and you can have your stupid, old face back to scowl at the entire civilized world with! (Explosion) Why should I trust you? You're a cop and a woman.
You have my word.
(Laughing) And where am I supposed to start looking, huh? Friggin' Google? Find his place, you'll have your face! (Explosions in distance) (Siren wailing in distance) None of this is mine! If I flee, I have nothing to take.
(Sighing) I am still Gunter Vogler inside.
(Siren wailing in distance) Yet I won't have her.
(Beeping) (Cell): Hello, baby Pick up the phone (Cell beeps) Martine.
(Dog barking) Damn it, Martine! Would you stop shooting at me? I want to break you of that habit.
How did you get in here? Through the door.
If you were Gunter Vogler, you'd know about my proficiency with locks.
Oh! Like the time we opened the back door to Bar 79 after it was closed.
We shot the guard, danced to Pet Shop Boys Pet Shop Boys.
all night.
Good times.
You are Gunter Vogler.
(Gun hits floor) (Gasps) What happened to you? (Gasps) Remember when you shot me in the face? Of course! I never forget a face I've shot.
(Screaming) So, you see, if you would've killed me, you would've done me a favour.
I was scared for my life, for my baby's life.
It's the only reason I shot you.
I would've preferred couple's therapy.
Ah! Don't you mean group therapy? You are playing the 3 most dangerous men in this city.
How does it keep you and the baby safe? Because whoever's the last man standing, I will be their woman.
Racken seems poised to be the victor.
Then why aren't you with him? Because I needed to know if you were indeed Gunter Vogler.
Do you still have your dragon tattoo? (Sighing) It's a snake, not a dragon.
It's a snake.
(Sighing) Tell me where Tannhäuser's hiding.
If I can deliver him to the police, I can be my own horrible self again.
No, Tannhäuser is dead.
I killed him.
He demanded to know whose baby was growing inside me and I shot him.
I think I would like to know that answer too.
- The baby is yours, Gunter.
- Are you absolutely certain (Jaw cracking) Tannhäuser is dead? Mmm, I saw him die with my own 2 eyes.
(Sighing) (Coughing) ( Whistling ) I must get to the hospital.
Only Racken can provide me with safety there.
Wait.
I keep forgetting I am a policeman.
I can provide protection.
All you have to do is tell me the location of Tannhäuser's hiding place so I can get my old face back.
Is it even in the city? We were the only ones living there, behind tall iron gates.
Where? Not until I am safe in a hospital.
And I want Vicodin, lots of Vicodin.
Which you will gladly share with me.
Wait here.
I will return with the only honest cop on the force.
It's Tannhäuser.
New orders.
Stop targeting Racken's properties.
Start destroying every hospital in the city.
Well, I'm just about to blow up a casino where we enjoyed a lovely complimentary buffet.
Nice deli platter too.
(Beeping) Why are we targeting hospitals, sir? It's what King Herod would've done.
Martine! We've come to bring you to the hospital! (Martine): I could not wait.
I chose criminal number 2.
You will always be my most wanted.
Why is the note wet? Must mean her water broke.
(Chuckles) Hagerman.
You've gone rogue.
Let me guess.
Tannhäuser? He learned you were still alive.
The price on your head is huge.
It can provide for my family after I'm gone.
I couldn't resist temptation any longer, Gunter.
(Click) Forgive me.
Forgive? I'm proud of you! (Sobs) No! I can't shoot this face.
Why? Everyone else has.
Shoot me, Hagerman.
I am not your friend.
I killed your friend, remember? Take your revenge! I can't.
Ah! Hagerman, you idiot! Here, the money shot! Right here! (Laughing crazily) (Screaming) (Man): Somebody shot me.
(Thudding) (Laughing) Only you could screw up being a martyr, Hagerman.
(Laughing) (Cell buzzing) Oh! Martine, where the hell are you? Why did you not wait for me? This is a game of chess, Gunter, and I must stay queen.
And I am no prince.
Tell me the location of Tannhäuser's hideout.
(Woman on PA): Dr.
Bindelglass, to obstetrics.
Dr.
Bindelglass.
(Explosion) Martine? Another hospital just got blown up.
That's 3 within the last hour.
Why are hospitals being targeted? Tannhäuser, imbecile.
He doesn't know where Martine is, but he knows she must be in the hospital because she's about to give birth.
Martine, are you all right? Martine! (Beep) What are you doing? Uh, looking for a Dr.
Bindelglass.
I heard his name in the background when I was talking to her.
Aha! A Dr.
Bindelglass operates out of Brüteville General Hospital.
(Sirens wailing) I need to find this woman.
Sorry, I don't recognize her.
(Woman on PA, indistinct) Oh, yes.
They've cordoned off the entire 5th floor for her.
I counted at least 13 bodyguards.
Do they know you're coming? No, but they will.
Hagerman, stay here.
Make sure the bomb squad doesn't do their dirty work.
Gunter.
I don't know if either of us will make it out of this alive, but I hope you get your face back.
(Woman on PA, indistinct) (Elevator bell dinging) (Rumbling) Excuse me.
Where's the washroom? Uh, for men.
The men's room.
To wash.
Thank you.
(Sighing) Ma'am? Oh! Did someone report a bomb? No, ma'am, we're just here as precaution.
But I'd like to check out your basement.
- Where is it? - In the basement.
(Gunshots) Aw, shit! (Gunshot, thudding) (Scoffing) Only 12 bodyguards.
You're not supposed to be here! I know.
Yours is the ultimate unplanned pregnancy.
Racken will be here any minute.
He'll kill you on sight.
He'll have to take a number.
In the meantime, tell me where Tannhäuser's hideout is! You couldn't figure it out? I gave you clues.
Tall, iron gates? We were the only ones living there? (Sighing) Commissioner Eva, I know where Tannhäuser is.
Thank you very much.
Bye! (Groans) (Sighing) (Siren wailing) (Grunts) So, Tannhäuser, this is where you've been living, right where everyone is dying to get in.
(Grunting) (Chuckles) (Grunting) Move! (Grunting) (Panting) As soon as the commissioner confirms Tannhäuser's dead, she will phone back with the location of my face.
Racken is on his way.
You mustn't be here for this.
My dear, we are well past the point where anyone can threaten me with anything.
I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster ride designed by Kafka.
Watching all the hospitals being blown up on the news makes me nervous, but I'm glad the bomb squad dropped by to ensure everything is safe.
They were here? Uh-huh.
Where did they go? The basement.
Welcome.
You have found where I live.
Congratulations.
But you will not be alive long to feel the success of what you have achieved, because the bomb that is built into my building will blow up and kill you.
Five, four Run! three, two, one.
If you're still here, there could be a delay.
Racken is always surrounded by bodyguards and I need to be alone with him.
No way.
I intend to witness the birth of my child, Martine.
I love you.
I cannot recall the last time I ever heard you say this without calling me an idiot or something.
That's because I never have.
(Helicopter overhead) (Gasps) I recognize those rotors.
Racken! (Beeping) (Bubbling) Hey, nobody shoot! Nobody shoot.
She's too close.
What the hell are you doing here? Get away from my wife.
She's not your wife.
She's my girlfriend.
Anyway, one of us is the father of her baby, and I'm betting it's me.
After all, I can impregnate a woman just by rubbing elbows.
What's he talking about, babe? The woman in this bed is dishonest, deceitful and manipulative and I cannot live without her.
You're gonna have to.
(Beeping and bubbling) (Groaning) (Beeping) (Crying) (Groaning) Brilliant! A fake pregnancy! You've been playing us for fools for months.
Oui, to get the drop on men who are hard to kill.
(Chuckles) (Beeping) There's only one queen now.
- She does not need a king.
- Oh (Beeping)
My baby will be here soon.
You green-eyed witch.
You're trying to steal the spotlight from epic downfall! I cannot control this.
My water will break soon.
My water is breaking right now! Where are you going? Take an interest in my career! Enough of this.
(Telephone beeping) Hello.
(Siren wailing in distance) I think you've been looking for me.
This is Tannhäuser.
Now, listen to me.
Sun Tzu says if your opponent has a choleric disposition, you should irritate him.
(Siren wailing in distance) I do hope this is hitting the spot.
(Beep) (Explosion) (Dial tone) That piece of shit, calling me here like some telemarketer.
I don't care what it takes, I want you dead.
Dead! (Sighing) I also wanna know what the hell you look like.
Is he good? Is he bad? Psychopath or sexy cad? Sinner or saint? The sinner fell But the saint wound up in hell We took his face Gave him another He changed his place Bullet in the face (Gunshots and people shouting) Gunter, you got a second? And now I don't.
Auf Wiedersehen, Hagerman.
Get lost.
Our city's being torn apart, and we don't have enough man power.
Then use children.
None of this would be happening if Gunter Vogler was on the streets.
The law and lawless alike are all afraid of me.
I brought balance to this city.
But I'm not interested in fair and balance.
I wanna save this city from Racken and Tannhäuser.
Ha ha ha! It's too late! Oh my God! It's a bomb! Everyone clear out of here! (People screaming) The bomb squad just left.
I'll order them back.
Forget it! They must have planted it.
I saw them fiddling with that machine like Nero when Rome was burning.
The corruption in this city is so thick, the police started taking chew toys as bribes.
Commissioner, we need to evacuate.
No! If I lose this building, I lose the city.
Stop! What do you even know about bombs? That they explode.
Hagerman, fetch me a knife.
- Aaah! - Sorry.
(Beeping) (Growling) (Grunting) (Screaming) (Laughing) (Alarm blaring) Oh! Much sadness.
None of the cops outside survived.
(Giggling) Wipe that look of glee off your face! No one needed to die.
True, if they'd stayed inside.
Instead, they fled like yellow kittens running from a Korean butcher.
And now, their remains are splattered on windshields like bird droppings.
(Chuckling) What a fitting end for shitty people.
(Laughing) La la La la la la ( Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata) I'm ready to go to the hospital.
Yeah, well, there's no one to take you.
All the guards downstairs have run away.
They're off my Christmas list.
But you can feel very safe here in my secret hideaway.
You know why? Because it's secret.
Well, since you seem to be incapable of making it through the doorway without a nervous breakdown, I would like a cab.
Like a cab? That's very funny.
Normally, you say, "I want a Merlot.
" This is levity under stress, a true sign of greatness.
But I have decided.
I have decided that you should have the baby here.
We have everything we need for a delivery.
We have balloons.
We have many balloons! No.
I will go to the hospital, even if I have to walk.
(Grunting) (Groaning) Aaah! Oh! No! You're insane! Let me go! I'm going to have a baby any minute! Yes! Who's baby? Not mine, is it? Don't even tell me.
I know.
It is Gunter's! Who told you about us? I knew.
Your aura of sluttishness.
You have contaminated my hideaway with your "slutticiousness".
But you could have never fooled me because I am Master of the universe.
You think you're God, don't you? No, he thinks he's me.
Let me tell you how this is gonna happen.
You're gonna have the baby, OK? Then you're gonna die, OK? Bear that in mind.
Then baby comes along, I adopt the baby.
Interesting.
I'll make an excellent stay-at-home parent, because I think that agoraphobics make perfect stay-at-home dads.
Thought you were gonna do that.
OK, put it on the ground.
Slide it to me just like they do in the films.
You know where you went wrong? You should've had an affair with a woman.
Then we could've made videos! (Exhales) (Groans) Ow! My knees! (Groaning) (Panting) (Groaning) (Coughing) (Groans) (Exhales) Return my face and let me go.
This city won't be here in the morning.
It will be like the Earth from thousands of years ago when dinosaurs filled lakes with diarrhoea! We had an agreement.
I want Tannhäuser brought to justice! (Explosion, glass breaking) And what do you think this goddamn blitzkrieg is all about, huh? When the city is gone, he will be too! Find Tannhäuser in time and the war will end just like when Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq.
Ha ha! The war didn't end after that! It did in the US versions of events.
Ugh! Give me Tannhäuser's lair, and you can have your stupid, old face back to scowl at the entire civilized world with! (Explosion) Why should I trust you? You're a cop and a woman.
You have my word.
(Laughing) And where am I supposed to start looking, huh? Friggin' Google? Find his place, you'll have your face! (Explosions in distance) (Siren wailing in distance) None of this is mine! If I flee, I have nothing to take.
(Sighing) I am still Gunter Vogler inside.
(Siren wailing in distance) Yet I won't have her.
(Beeping) (Cell): Hello, baby Pick up the phone (Cell beeps) Martine.
(Dog barking) Damn it, Martine! Would you stop shooting at me? I want to break you of that habit.
How did you get in here? Through the door.
If you were Gunter Vogler, you'd know about my proficiency with locks.
Oh! Like the time we opened the back door to Bar 79 after it was closed.
We shot the guard, danced to Pet Shop Boys Pet Shop Boys.
all night.
Good times.
You are Gunter Vogler.
(Gun hits floor) (Gasps) What happened to you? (Gasps) Remember when you shot me in the face? Of course! I never forget a face I've shot.
(Screaming) So, you see, if you would've killed me, you would've done me a favour.
I was scared for my life, for my baby's life.
It's the only reason I shot you.
I would've preferred couple's therapy.
Ah! Don't you mean group therapy? You are playing the 3 most dangerous men in this city.
How does it keep you and the baby safe? Because whoever's the last man standing, I will be their woman.
Racken seems poised to be the victor.
Then why aren't you with him? Because I needed to know if you were indeed Gunter Vogler.
Do you still have your dragon tattoo? (Sighing) It's a snake, not a dragon.
It's a snake.
(Sighing) Tell me where Tannhäuser's hiding.
If I can deliver him to the police, I can be my own horrible self again.
No, Tannhäuser is dead.
I killed him.
He demanded to know whose baby was growing inside me and I shot him.
I think I would like to know that answer too.
- The baby is yours, Gunter.
- Are you absolutely certain (Jaw cracking) Tannhäuser is dead? Mmm, I saw him die with my own 2 eyes.
(Sighing) (Coughing) ( Whistling ) I must get to the hospital.
Only Racken can provide me with safety there.
Wait.
I keep forgetting I am a policeman.
I can provide protection.
All you have to do is tell me the location of Tannhäuser's hiding place so I can get my old face back.
Is it even in the city? We were the only ones living there, behind tall iron gates.
Where? Not until I am safe in a hospital.
And I want Vicodin, lots of Vicodin.
Which you will gladly share with me.
Wait here.
I will return with the only honest cop on the force.
It's Tannhäuser.
New orders.
Stop targeting Racken's properties.
Start destroying every hospital in the city.
Well, I'm just about to blow up a casino where we enjoyed a lovely complimentary buffet.
Nice deli platter too.
(Beeping) Why are we targeting hospitals, sir? It's what King Herod would've done.
Martine! We've come to bring you to the hospital! (Martine): I could not wait.
I chose criminal number 2.
You will always be my most wanted.
Why is the note wet? Must mean her water broke.
(Chuckles) Hagerman.
You've gone rogue.
Let me guess.
Tannhäuser? He learned you were still alive.
The price on your head is huge.
It can provide for my family after I'm gone.
I couldn't resist temptation any longer, Gunter.
(Click) Forgive me.
Forgive? I'm proud of you! (Sobs) No! I can't shoot this face.
Why? Everyone else has.
Shoot me, Hagerman.
I am not your friend.
I killed your friend, remember? Take your revenge! I can't.
Ah! Hagerman, you idiot! Here, the money shot! Right here! (Laughing crazily) (Screaming) (Man): Somebody shot me.
(Thudding) (Laughing) Only you could screw up being a martyr, Hagerman.
(Laughing) (Cell buzzing) Oh! Martine, where the hell are you? Why did you not wait for me? This is a game of chess, Gunter, and I must stay queen.
And I am no prince.
Tell me the location of Tannhäuser's hideout.
(Woman on PA): Dr.
Bindelglass, to obstetrics.
Dr.
Bindelglass.
(Explosion) Martine? Another hospital just got blown up.
That's 3 within the last hour.
Why are hospitals being targeted? Tannhäuser, imbecile.
He doesn't know where Martine is, but he knows she must be in the hospital because she's about to give birth.
Martine, are you all right? Martine! (Beep) What are you doing? Uh, looking for a Dr.
Bindelglass.
I heard his name in the background when I was talking to her.
Aha! A Dr.
Bindelglass operates out of Brüteville General Hospital.
(Sirens wailing) I need to find this woman.
Sorry, I don't recognize her.
(Woman on PA, indistinct) Oh, yes.
They've cordoned off the entire 5th floor for her.
I counted at least 13 bodyguards.
Do they know you're coming? No, but they will.
Hagerman, stay here.
Make sure the bomb squad doesn't do their dirty work.
Gunter.
I don't know if either of us will make it out of this alive, but I hope you get your face back.
(Woman on PA, indistinct) (Elevator bell dinging) (Rumbling) Excuse me.
Where's the washroom? Uh, for men.
The men's room.
To wash.
Thank you.
(Sighing) Ma'am? Oh! Did someone report a bomb? No, ma'am, we're just here as precaution.
But I'd like to check out your basement.
- Where is it? - In the basement.
(Gunshots) Aw, shit! (Gunshot, thudding) (Scoffing) Only 12 bodyguards.
You're not supposed to be here! I know.
Yours is the ultimate unplanned pregnancy.
Racken will be here any minute.
He'll kill you on sight.
He'll have to take a number.
In the meantime, tell me where Tannhäuser's hideout is! You couldn't figure it out? I gave you clues.
Tall, iron gates? We were the only ones living there? (Sighing) Commissioner Eva, I know where Tannhäuser is.
Thank you very much.
Bye! (Groans) (Sighing) (Siren wailing) (Grunts) So, Tannhäuser, this is where you've been living, right where everyone is dying to get in.
(Grunting) (Chuckles) (Grunting) Move! (Grunting) (Panting) As soon as the commissioner confirms Tannhäuser's dead, she will phone back with the location of my face.
Racken is on his way.
You mustn't be here for this.
My dear, we are well past the point where anyone can threaten me with anything.
I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster ride designed by Kafka.
Watching all the hospitals being blown up on the news makes me nervous, but I'm glad the bomb squad dropped by to ensure everything is safe.
They were here? Uh-huh.
Where did they go? The basement.
Welcome.
You have found where I live.
Congratulations.
But you will not be alive long to feel the success of what you have achieved, because the bomb that is built into my building will blow up and kill you.
Five, four Run! three, two, one.
If you're still here, there could be a delay.
Racken is always surrounded by bodyguards and I need to be alone with him.
No way.
I intend to witness the birth of my child, Martine.
I love you.
I cannot recall the last time I ever heard you say this without calling me an idiot or something.
That's because I never have.
(Helicopter overhead) (Gasps) I recognize those rotors.
Racken! (Beeping) (Bubbling) Hey, nobody shoot! Nobody shoot.
She's too close.
What the hell are you doing here? Get away from my wife.
She's not your wife.
She's my girlfriend.
Anyway, one of us is the father of her baby, and I'm betting it's me.
After all, I can impregnate a woman just by rubbing elbows.
What's he talking about, babe? The woman in this bed is dishonest, deceitful and manipulative and I cannot live without her.
You're gonna have to.
(Beeping and bubbling) (Groaning) (Beeping) (Crying) (Groaning) Brilliant! A fake pregnancy! You've been playing us for fools for months.
Oui, to get the drop on men who are hard to kill.
(Chuckles) (Beeping) There's only one queen now.
- She does not need a king.
- Oh (Beeping)