Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

N/A - Anastacia, Joe Wicks, Jonathan Ross, Rylan Clark-Neal

1 Word to your mum, I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not-new titles.
We will change them next series.
There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers, boy! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me but wants my babies.
There's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo with a tiny willy! We are all in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yesssss! Yes! Yesssss! Yesssss! Welcome to Celebrity Juice, series 16! Hurrah! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Hi.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right is one of my favourite people, it's the one and only Rylan.
And on my left, ladies, he's very fit, it is the Body Coach himself, Joe Wicks.
Let's meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton.
Fearne, who is on your team? Surprise, surprise, on my left it is chat show king Jonathan And on my right, singing sensation and Strictly star, Anastacia.
Great show.
I've got news about Gino D'acampo.
He is not here this week because I think he's just arriving in the country.
He tried to get back in but because of Brexit, they wouldn't let him.
He had a bit of a struggle.
Fearne Cotton, let's talk about your new tattoo.
You've got a new tattoo.
Right, yes.
A tiny one.
Very miniature.
Because it was your birthday at the weekend.
It was.
Happy birthday.
Thank you very much.
You are 40 now.
35.
/f I think we've got a picture of your tattoo.
Here it is.
So let me get that straight.
What made you go for a willy trying to spray on your tits but it can't find them? Thank you very much.
No, I think we have got a picture of your real There it is.
It is a David Bowie tribute.
I thought it was a Harry Potter tribute.
It could be that also.
Have you got tattoos, Rylan? Yeah, I got a little one when I was like 16.
Where is it? Up here.
It was like a Chinese symbol.
I thought it meant to excel in life.
And then a girl that I went to dance school with was from China and she said, "Why you have that?" I went, "What do you mean?" She went, "It means 'strange in bad way'.
" Bish bash bosh, it's Joe Wicks, everyone.
It is nice finally to have someone on the programme who is nearly as good-looking as me.
I ain't as good-looking as you, come on.
I said nearly.
You are right.
It's exciting to have you on.
How would you describe yourself? I'm like a people shrinker.
I give them recipes and workouts that you can do at home, with my 90 day plan, and then 90 days later they are lean and confident and running around in their pants.
Why is it important, do you think, for people to lean? Do you teach them how to lean in 15 seconds? No, lean in 15.
15 minute meals to get you lean.
Show me a lean, then.
So, lean.
Low body fat.
But it's not about being low body fat.
It's about confidence, eating well I don't give a fuck, I just wanted you to do that for t'girls.
Joe, I read somewhere, on this card pacifically, that you are making £1 million a month.
There it is.
It was in the Daily Mail.
FEARNE: Oh, it must be true (!) He turns over 1 million a month! Is it true? It used to be true.
Ahhh! I keep that private.
It's personal, isn't it? Why is it in the paper? You must have told someone.
They miscalculated.
I said how many people signed up to my 90 day plan and they worked out it was £1 million a month.
It used to be, but it is more now.
(APPLAUDS) Despite becoming quite rich quite quickly, it seems that you can't afford any T-shirts, though.
I've got some pictures of you here.
Look, no T-shirt.
Let's have another picture.
No T-shirt.
What is going through your mind there? "Guilty!" Say your catchphrase.
Guilty! Guilty! I'm not good at doing sultry.
When I do photo shoots, I'm always smiling and giggling because that is my persona.
So when they say " do sultry", or do, like, seductive, I freak out, I don't know what to do.
It's not what I do.
What's a persona? It's like putting on a kind of image, like you are someone else.
Yes, so what's the message? You're confusing me.
What does he mean? I don't know.
Do you have a persona, Jonathan? Yes.
What's yours? Er, a (LAUGHTER) Now, apparently you are obsessed with broccoli.
I just like them, I just think they look like little trees and they are good to stir fry.
I think we've got some pictures of you.
There you are.
"That's a lovely pair" Swinging on a tree.
You're holding onto that like it is an ice cream.
We've got another one.
My mum is watching this.
I don't do that.
We've got a picture, a serious picture from one of your books, with broccoli.
You can't do that to me! (IMITATES) Anastacia! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was good.
That was me doing you.
I mean, I can't sing but you've got a very distinctive voice.
I can imitate myself.
Can you? Now baby, come on (LAUGHTER) I must say, you are very good.
We're going to get on, me and you.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
Really excited.
I would rip you a new one.
FEARNE: Oh, my God You became a massive global star in the noughties and you have sold over 30 million records worldwide.
Respect! (APPLAUSE) How is Strictly? Hard work, isn't it? So far, ridiculously hard work.
I didn't have a clue who my partner was and I didn't have a clue how hard the show was.
No, what about all the other contestants? Did you know who they were? No.
Not until - We've got a picture of the line-up here.
For every person here, if you can tell me what they do for a living, I will give you a point.
Oh, no.
Let's start with the bald Gary Coleman that is Melvin.
He is a DJ.
Yeah, we are going to give you a point for that.
Thank you.
Here is the next one.
What does she do? That fit bird with black hair and red dress? Oh, no.
Daisy, you mean? Daisy, yeah, what's she do? Is she an actress? I can't give you a point for that.
She's a model.
Oh, well, she's acting like a model.
Here is the next one.
Oh, no.
Who is that man in the blue suit? Um, he is a porn star.
Amazing.
His name is Ed Balls.
That is why he is my porn star.
Ed Balls.
He is a politician.
Yes, that is correct.
Actually, we've just got some news on Gino trying to get back into the studio.
I think we are going to cut to him live now.
He is in one of those shots, I think.
There he is.
Gino, quick, run! We will get him back.
If you can't get Gino D'acampo, if you can't get Bruno Tonioli, and if you can't get Will Mellor, who do you phone? Rylan! I tell you what, what I love about you, Ryland, is that you stay grounded.
You've been a friend of the show for a good few years.
And you still come on and you are the same person you were back then, even though you are incredibly successful yourself now.
Thank you.
You are, though, aren't you? Yeah, I'm doing fucking brilliant.
You've got a book out.
Yeah.
I got it here somewhere.
From the car boot sale.
There it is.
The Life of Rylan.
What is the message? The message is, I fucking wrote it myself.
There is some pictures of you in here where you might not even recognise it is you.
What? Because you've got a ginger bowl cut.
There it is.
Rylan, that is a terrible, terrible haircut.
You look like an acorn.
I know.
It just makes this all the better now.
Do you know what I mean? For me, he is "weally, weally, weally" good on the television.
Here is one of my "hewoes".
It's Jonathan Ross! I will settle in for this.
Here we go.
How is it going, Jonathan? It's good.
You look magnificent.
I love the way you have just let yourself go and you don't give a fuck.
It's amazing.
Jonathan, you've got a new series of your chat show.
It starts this weekend.
Yeah.
Do you know who is on? Yeah, we've already done that one.
We had Renee Zellweger on.
Who? That lady.
It's hard for me to say a lot of their names.
Bridget Jones.
You had a bit of drama, recently, didn't you? My finger, you mean? Yes.
Well, font color="#ffff00 I'm on a beach in Brighton.
Sitting on a deckchair.
My daughter moved the parasol that was providing a much needed shade.
I grabbed the chair to shuffle forward.
The deckchair collapsed and two fingers were pinched in the side.
Meanwhile, some prick was trying to take a selfie of me.
So I had to keep smiling.
He said, "you're not very talkative.
" I went, "Not right now, no.
" Do you want to see this? It will put you off.
Camera five.
Look at that baby.
Ohhh! There's the green bit.
Now, Joe, it's fair to say, on here you are probably the fitness guru, yeah? Um, if you say so.
Just say yes.
I am the fitness guru!/fon You are the fitness guru.
So in homage to you, we are going to play So, as you can see, we've got Joe and Jonathan here limbering up.
They've got my new special system, which is like a juicing underpants thing.
This is perfect, because it builds up your core strength, because you will be kind of thrusting.
You are thrusting to make juice, which is a healthy drink, yeah? But I've got to be careful thrusting, because a little while ago I was making sweet, sweet love to my wife and we were going at it and my hip let out a really loud crack halfway through and she stopped me and went, "There's a burglar!" And then it put me in a difficult situation because either I had to admit I was falling apart, or you gotta go downstairs with the full rod on.
What did you do? I went downstairs and finished myself off.
Well, hopefully in this game, you will be producing a different kind of juice.
I am going to warm up.
I have hidden fruit around the studio.
What you've got to do is find the fruit, juice it, pour it into your jug.
The person with the most juice at the end of it will be the winner.
You will win a point for your team.
You will go on the klaxon.
Ready? Three, two, one.
Get juicing.
Next one, next.
You've got oranges.
That's it.
More juicing.
It's in the audience.
To the audience! The cameramen! Outside, outside! (APPLAUSE) There, there, there.
On the wall.
Get all the juice.
Guilty! A million pound a month and here he is, fucking a wall! Over there, the animals! Here, they have got the fruits.
Look at the juice those coming from that.
Guilty! Guilty! Rylan is the last bit.
Round the back.
Guilty! (KLAXON) I spilt my jug.
It is a shame because Jonathan's jug has broken.
Which means that Joe is the winner! Good try.
I'm exhausted.
And the scores at the end of that round are Jui-cing! We are going to go to ad break now.
I am off for a piss and a poo, I will see you in two.
Coming up after t'break Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Because it is the 16th series, we want to do something a bit different.
One of my favourite games is five second fool.
Now it is five second fool extreme! Hello and welcome to 5 second fool.
In this round the panellist will be asked one question and they have five seconds to give me three answers.
Fearne does not know I can see the monitor.
First up to play is Anastacia.
Now, this is an exercise chair.
In homage to Joe.
What it does is spin.
This is why it is five second fool extreme.
I will turn the chair on.
Are you ready? Whoa.
OK, let's go.
Name three places you can put cucumber.
In your bum, in your mouth, in your ear.
Well done.
Three places you can hide a cow.
font color="# your bum.
In the field.
No, you could have said a barn.
You could have said in a cow-shaped bag.
A cow-shaped bag? I thought he said cowshit bag.
Or just behind a bush.
Give me three animal noises.
Woof! Meow! Moo! Anastacia, everyone! Rylan.
All right? You know how to play this.
Five seconds, three answers, one question.
OK.
Get ready.
What font color="#fff be an arsehole.
Please, Keith.
Are you ready? Three things you can enter.
My husband, a door, a fire escape.
Three things that go crusty.
Old vagina, a roll and a spot.
This is really fucked up.
Three things that smell.
My penis, my arsehole and breath.
D all smell the same? Yes.
Rylan, everyone.
Next up, it's Fearne Cotton.
There is no ladylike way about this, is there? You are quite keep your legs shut, we don't want to see your dick.
It might pop out.
Fearne, Give me three things that you wash.
My clothes, my s my child's toys.
Your child's toys? The bunny rabbit! Three things that a blind person might use.
A dog, a stick and Braille.
Three things you would not do with a kettle.
Stick it up your arse and I don't know what else, I've literally lost my mind.
Fearne Cotton, everyone.
At the end of that round, the scores are Now, Rylan, is it fair to say that you are the king of the spin-off show? BOTS, from Big Brother.
Xtra Factor.
We have presenters Holly, Fearne and Jonathan.
I will test your presenting skills.
We will do this in my virtual studio, a spin-off to This Morning as we play Well done.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Jonathan.
Another amazing episode of This Morning.
Another puppy, how settling in? She is here.
She is training.
Don't do that.
S make a very good guide dog.
She is frisky.
font colo training together.
All right.
That's my head, thank you.
You licked me! We have magical flying grapes.
Do I just help myself? /font these real? They are Eamon Holmes's haemorrhoids.
Next, the sexiest chef on telly in the studio.
I think you know who he is.
Joe Wicks.
I'm going to make my lovely American chicken sandwich for you.
It will be bloody special.
First you get some lovely jubbly bread.
Put in there.
We are making a sandwich.
That looks amazing.
Put the chicken onto the bread.
Strawberries in the blender.
And some yoghurt.
That's great Give it a whizz.
Give a little blast.
Awesome.
And there you it.
A leaning 15 smoothie in 15 seconds.
Are you going to tr Get it down you.
Well done! Good for your skin, innit? Over to the weather lady? In the 80s.
Let's look at what we can expect from the rest of the evening.
We have thick cloud over the south-east.
Which will be making its way up to the north of England in the night.
Tomorrow is looking sunny for all those in southern England.
It will definitely be time to get those barbecues and slap on that sunscreen.
Temperatures in double figures.
There will be light showers mid-morning to the north through the late afternoon.
Tomorrow we can see the weather takes a turn for the worse with gale force winds coming in from the Atlantic and sweeping through the country.
It really will be very windy.
Avoid make unnecessary trips if you can.
Not only that but there will be some snow.
Lots of snow.
A massive thank you, Fearne.
That is the end.
Thanks for bei wonderful viewers and we will see you really, really soon.
And at the end of that round, the scores aredisappear-ing! We will see you in three.
Coming up after the break Fucking weasel.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
The final-round is the buzzer round.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
What is your buzzer this week? Guilty! What is yours? (KEITH'S ANASTACIA IMPRESSION) What has this year's Bake Off caused a huge increase in? Diabetes.
Grandma porn.
I'm just saying! I know this.
Dogging.
The site is being visited by doggers who are obsessed with the show.
Why not just bake cakes more? Why does Louis Walsh look scared? font color="# is remembering the night in the travel lodge with Jedward.
This is on This Morning when you are sat next to him.
You're kissing him, aren't you? Yes, being kissed by Rylan! Joe's new book, Lean in 15, what I want to know is who is the celebrity leaning in this picture? Guilty! Holly's team.
Is it you? I think it is but I have no memory like a pretend person.
Why did Taylor Swift allegedly dump Tom Hiddleston this week? Did she say something like she did not want to be part of We did this.
In the font color="#fff uncomfortable with him being public about their romance.
Which of these people is Les Dennis and which is Keith Chegwin? I don't actually know.
Which is which? Holly's team? I thi Dennis is on the left, Chegwin on the right.
What did Jeremy accidentally gatecrash? Our friend of the show, the guy with the massive balls, Malcolm.
"Come to my fucking wedding you fucking weasel.
" Why's Mary Berry looking so happy here? She just found out she can go dogging at work.
She won a TV award.
TV Choice.
That was the end of the buzzer round.
The end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is It is super close, apparently.
I have just been told you have earned a point for that.
That means now the winning team is Holly's team! It is lovely to be back.
I was Keith Lemon.
If don't see you for a week, I will see you through a window.
ANASTACIA - I'm Outta Love