Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

N/A - John Thomson, Daisy Lowe, Johnny Vegas, Ollie Locke

1 I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not new titles.
We'll change them in t'next series.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got those bangers, boy! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me, but secretly wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Campo with a tiny willy.
We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING) Yeah, boi! Hoorah! Hello, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
We missed you last week.
Yes, you did miss me because you were blind drunk like a tramp.
I think we've got some footage of you, actually, from last week.
Have a look at this.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sorry.
Sorry about that.
I felt pretty rough the next day.
You want to apologise? Yes, I'm really sorry.
I will never behave like that again.
And if I do, I will keep my bra on.
You'll get your flange out, yeah? (LAUGHTER) Stop it.
Stop it.
Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right, he is the ultimate posh totty.
It's the one and only Ollie Locke.
(APPLAUSE) On my left, he's the star of Cold Feet and all-round funny man, it's John Thomson.
(APPLAUSE) It's none other than the most miserable cow on earth, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who is on your team? On my left, it's my favourite, the legendary Johnny Vegas.
And on my right, the breathtakingly beautiful Strictly star Daisy Lowe.
(APPLAUSE) I like what you're wearing.
I like what you're wearing.
Really? It's a bit like Mick Hucknall has gone on a stag do in Dublin.
Are you wearing your dad's trousers? Yes, I am.
Stand up.
Come round, come round.
Moon walk around, yeah? When you are wearing such trousers, which side do you dress your penis? Today I have gone left.
In that sort of mood.
Can you do the splits? Yes.
Can you really? Will you do it? There is a drunken photo of us doing that together.
Can you do the splits? Yes.
Do the splits.
Splits? Splits? A point for your team.
AUDIENCE: Do it, do it, do it! Oh, oh, oh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And Johnny is coming! (CHEERING) A point for your team.
I've had a bit of a loose tummy and the momentum (LAUGH It's Daisy Lowe! (APPLAUSE) You are doing really well on Strictly already.
Week one, they are all loving you, apparently.
Apparently.
I'm a bit gobsmacked.
There you are doing the waltz.
Your dress was so beautiful.
Did you almost feel like crying? The whole thing was beautiful.
Really beautiful.
It was.
/f I was crying, that's because I watched it many times.
I was masturbating and it hurts.
(LAUGHTER) Daisy, there are always these rumours on Strictly, people falling in love.
The curse, yes.
Yes, the curse.
So, are you banging Len Goodman? (LAUGHTER) Are you? No.
Johnny, have you watched Strictly? Yes.
(LAUGHTER) You're always doing this to me.
I am very busy at times.
I have a lot of homebrew on the go.
Call of Duty at home, all by yourself? I don't play Call of Duty because even pretending to run has a bad effect on me.
They have a lot of equipment on.
(LAUGHTER) Daisy, my favourite pictures of you I keep in a scrapbook.
Here it is.
I brought it in because I thought it would be cool Could you sign it for us? Of course I can.
All my favourite pictures.
And some bits that I've collected over the years.
My poor grandma.
(PAGES STICKING) Sometimes the spray mount glue goes everywhere.
What is in that? This is my favourite one.
I've put one of my home-made bookmarks in there.
Wow! This is my favourite picture.
That's not me.
And sometimes I imagine you've got a really poorly bum and you've been to the toilet five times and wiped too hard and it looks like this.
I'm really sorry.
Sorry.
We won a BAFTA once, can you believe it? How did that happen? (APPLAUSE) And it is John Thomson! (CHEERING) John, what an amazing career you have had.
Not bad.
The Fast Show, Men Behaving Badly, Coronation Street.
You did some sketch show with some crank off t'telly.
That's right.
But now you're back playing Pete in Cold Feet.
What a treat.
Oh, absolutely.
There you are.
You've all aged pretty well.
Not bad at all.
Some of you have got more hair than you had back then.
That's true.
Let's have a look.
There is you there.
You look a bit like Toadfish from Neighbours.
(LAUGHTER) Back in the '90s, when you were filming Cold Feet, you had a bit of a wild time back then? Crazy, I was.
We have a story, I don't know if it's true.
You had a gay threesome? You paid two boys to get involved? Is that true? If it did happen, I don't remember it.
We have a picture.
OK.
There it is, there.
"I can't remember" What are you doing with Sooty and Sweep? I was in the show.
In the Sooty Show? I found out that everybody loves Sweep and everybody hates Sue.
Hey, it's not a cock, it's Ollie Locke.
(APPLAUSE) You have just done The Island with Bear Grylls.
I have.
What was that like? You know, it was fucking hell.
You lost a lot of weight.
I lost 2.
5 stone.
Look at this picture.
Look at this picture, look at him.
How long were you doing it for? That is after 14 days.
14 days? When a normal series of The Island comes out, the cast have been plumbers and builders.
We are not that.
Dom Joly got an infected leg, didn't he? I think we have a picture of his leg.
Look at that.
That is like movie shit.
Why did you do it? It was all for Stand Up For Cancer, the whole show on Channel 4.
(APPLAUSE) And none of us got paid to do it, there was no fee or anything.
It all goes straight to Stand Up For Cancer.
Fucking hell, you're going to heaven.
Is it true you had a fight with a crocodile? Yes.
Tell us about the crocodile, that's exciting.
Well, the crocodile situation Don't make it right long, Ollie.
I won't.
We got to day nine and we haven't caught anything and I knew there was a crocodile somewhere.
I thought "Let's go trek for crocodiles.
" You're making Fucking Aston and Thom had left so it was up to me, the guy in a pure pink outfit, that decided to go and try and kill this crocodile.
How do you try and kill a crocodile? I was ballsy at this point and I thought I would track it down.
What do you think a crocodile will say when you come along? POSH ACCENT: "What are you doing? What are you doing?" What do you think, a crocodile will go? "Fuck off, you posh (BLEEP)"? (APPLAUSE) Ollie, you don't know this, but we've got a crocodile next door.
We have.
Let's cut to next door.
There it is, there it is.
But you're not that hungry any more.
For a point for your team, Ollie, are you willing to get in there and have a little tussle with it? I would literally rather guide my father into my mother, I think.
(LAUGHTER) I've never heard that before.
It's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING) What is going on in your world, Johnny? I've been working very hard.
Just that, fixing my house up.
That's honestly what I've been doing.
I've been shopping for couches and every time I go in somewhere It's the hardest thing to buy, a couch.
They come up and they go "Do you like that?" And you're going, "I'm just looking, don't.
" Johnny, I don't know if you know this about Gino, but Brexit have got hold of him and sent him back.
They sent him back to Italy.
For the next few weeks.
I was wondering if you are up for filling in for the next couple of weeks? Really? Johnny! Yeah, back-to-back work.
He is going to be here next week.
(CHEERING) # Working nine till five What a way to make a living I'm a team player, but I never liked him.
Have you got a message? Camera five.
Hey, hey, Gino, guess what? Someone is here working hard, making people laugh.
And no-one is up the duff.
(LAUGHTER) I come on here and I let him ply me with booze and I don't negotiate like you.
Whatever money is given to me in an envelope, I take it and I'm grateful.
And I go home and I buy stuff for the kids.
What do you do? Get your teeth done, again? (LAUGHTER) Johnny Vegas, everyone! (APPLAUSE) At the beginning of the series we put a spin on one of my favourite games and made it extreme.
So, let's play (APPLAUSE) Hello.
Welcome to 5 Second Fool.
It is a simple game.
What I'm gonna do is ask our panellists a question, they've got five seconds to give me three answers.
First up to play the game is Ollie Locke.
(APPLAUSE) You want a wee? I kind of want a wee.
I'm sure this chair won't make you.
You know how to play? You've got five seconds, one question, three answers.
Let's turn it on.
(LAUGHTER) Come on, Ollie.
That's quite good.
Three things.
Three things you can catch? A ball, chlamydia, cantaloupe.
(LAUGHTER) I don't even know what a cantaloupe is! Can you catch a cantaloupe? Yes, you can.
Three things you can lick? A penis, a vagina and a cantaloupe.
(LAUGHTER) This is exhausting.
It's like doing fucking Zumba.
Three things that are made out of denim? Shirt, jeans and very questionable shoes.
(LAUGHTER) Ollie Locke, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Up next it's Holly Willoughby! (APPLAUSE) Not too high.
Not too high.
Not too high.
You ready? Holly, give me three places you should never make love? On a bus, in the toilet and whilst in the sand.
Whilst in the sand? It gets everywhere.
(LAUGHTER) Give me three ways to get out of a burning building? Through the window, through the door or out of the chimney.
Three vegetables you can fit up your bum? Carrot, leek and courgette.
(LAUGHTER) You picked quite big veg there.
Pea, radish, something small.
Holly Willoughby! (APPLAUSE) Jesus Christ, that's so uncomfortable, that thing.
There is nothing fun about that.
Let's pick someone who will find it fun.
It's Johnny Vegas! (APPLAUSE) What if you turn it on and it doesn't move much? (LAUGHTER) Ready? I don't need this.
I had years of shit gym classes.
Johnny, three things you can collect? Er (MUMBLES) .
.
horses, people.
His passport has fallen out of his back pocket.
Always be ready to flee the country.
Three things you can sit on? Hats, cocks Chairs.
Chairs.
Chairs.
It's always the obvious answer, isn't it?! You're a fucking debt collector and you're being squeezed for money you haven't got.
If my penis could, it would draw the curtains and pretend we're not in.
Three things your penis can do? Penetrate, urinate and embarrass you.
(LAUGHTER) Johnny Vegas, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Don't forget your Oyster card.
Don't look at that, don't look at that.
What is it? A list of sofas.
You think I come on here and make this shit up? (LAUGHTER)/ Johnny Vegas, everyone! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now, we'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break Three, two, one Off they go.
Who is in front? Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
We have come outside the studios to have a simple game of The Box Game.
Sponsored by boxes.
A lovely game, one of my favourite games.
As you can see, our panellists are underneath the boxes.
Let's have a look at Holly, see what she's up to.
Ow, ow! Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't know which way I'm supposed to be going.
Is it forward? Straight.
All right.
I quite like it in here.
OK.
I'm gonna be more prolific with her journey.
What they've got to do is travel down the hill, through the box wall, into the masking tape wall of terror and then into the studio, up the ramp, through the finishing line.
You'll get a point for your team if you're the first person there.
Let's see how some of our other panellists are getting on.
I didn't do it.
Are you excited? I'm He's speechless! Anyone got any last questions? What the fuck are we doing? You're enjoying yourself! Get ready! Three, two, one! (KLAXON) Off they go.
John Thomson is in front, joint with Daisy Lowe.
It's a race between John Thomson and Daisy Lowe! They're going through the masking tape wall of terror.
John is through.
Daisy is close behind.
Vegas is going back up north by the looks of it.
Who hasn't got? Fearne is very slow, I thought she'd be good at this game.
Oh, we're in the studio.
Come on, Daisy, you're nearly there! John Thomson! John Thomson in the lead! Daisy Lowe is close behind.
Daisy Lowe is Oh, oh! They are having trouble.
They're having trouble finding the ramp.
Nearly there.
Up the ramp, up the ramp.
Up the ramp, that's the finishing line.
Daisy Lowe is our winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No way! In second place it looks like it's gonna be John Thomson.
Can he make it up the ramp? Up the ramp, John, up the ramp! You're going down the ramp.
We've got Johnny Vegas coming in! Olly Locke is close behind.
John, you're going the wrong way.
That's it, that's it.
Straight forward, John.
He's up, he's up.
John Thomson has crossed the finishing line! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Close behind him is Johnny Vegas, being aided by the lovely Daisy Lowe.
Let's go and find Holly.
Fearne Cotton is now in the studio.
Where's Holly Willoughby? Holly, you are not in the studio.
Everybody is in.
No, that's the wall.
That's a wall.
This way.
Holly is normally very competitive.
I think she'll be very disappointed about the result of this.
She is in the studio! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hold on, hold on.
This way.
Here she comes.
How are you feeling? She sounds like she's out of breath.
You are nearly there, you are doing really well.
Anything you want to say to your family? AUDIENCE: Holly! Holly! It's between Cotton and Willoughby.
Cotton is on the ramp.
Cotton is up the ramp, she's going through! (CHEERING) Holly is having difficulty getting past the finish line.
She made it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The winner of the box game tonight is none other than Daisy Lowe! And the scores at the end of that round are Daisy, in honour of you being top of the leaderboard on Strictly, this one is for you.
So, let's play Welcome to Strictly Name It On The Ballroom Boogie.
As you can see, we got the panellists here.
They'll be doing some dancing to my sick beats.
We got Johnny Vegas here.
He's got them sound-cancelling headphones on.
He can't hear nothing! Big shout out to Eamonn Holmes, chilling at home right now.
He love that special cigarette.
He love it.
I've got glitter all over me.
Right, you ready for this shit? Johnny! Pardon? Can you hear me? No.
Great.
Johnny is a pro at this because he's also very familiar with popular music of today.
No.
Do you know the Spice Girls? The Spice Girls? Do you know Rick Astley? Hear me now when I say, Rick h'Astley! I say Rick, you say h'Astley! h'Astley! Rick! h'Astley! Recognise, he know some tunes.
He's gonna be good at this.
Are you ready? Let's drop a sick beat.
# PHIL COLLINS: In The Air Tonight ErMadonna.
The beat goes on.
Jizz, the musical.
Jizz.
No.
Sleep.
Johnny, what's the answer? Who plays the drums? Pardon? Who plays the drums? Famous drum solo.
Big drum solo You've got to do a dance, you fucking bitch.
I was, you knobhead.
No, erm ErI Johnny, you haven't got it.
This is who it is.
No, no, no! Why didn't you do a gorilla? That's what we were doing! I was getting impatient, I was getting angry.
Well, don't get angry! I don't perform when women are angry! Check out this sick beat.
Recognise! # RICK ASTLEY: Never Gonna Give You Up It's h'actually, Rick h'Astley.
So happy you're Crying.
Crying Game! Pussycat Dolls! What do you think it is? The Verve.
You think it's The Verve? Check it out, listen.
It was Rick h'Astley! Rick Astley does that! # Run around and hurt you # Does he? You should have said chinos.
Chinos and blazer.
If you'd have done that Right, let's swap.
My go.
You can do your little chino dance and I'll wear the headphones.
It's not a little chino dance, it's what he did.
Are you r OK, check it out, one time.
# ARTFUL DODGER: Re-Rewind (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pretty good.
Nice.
I have lost my braces.
Cotton, what was that? Going Back? That song, Going Back.
Fearne, lift up.
Big tune.
Right, ready? Go! # NIRVANA: Smells Like Teen Spirit Shooting up.
Yeah, OK.
Someone has died with a gun.
Nirvana.
Teen Spirit.
Yes! Well done, Fearne's team, it's now Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Big up yourselves! Boom, boom, boom! Right, we have Holly's team here.
Holly, you know the rules.
I can't hear what you're saying.
Right, let's drop a sick beat.
Let's mix it up.
Rude boys! # KATE BUSH: Wuthering Heights Holly doesn't know what the tune is.
Oh, God.
You're cold, freezing.
Adele, Hello.
Hello.
Cold? You're never gonna get it.
Something cold.
Cold stepping out.
Mystical? What's he fucking doing? Oh, I love this song! Oh, no! You were so good as well.
Some wicked moves there from John Thomson.
Here's the next one.
Listen with your fucking ears! # PRINCE: Kiss It'sOh, are you Prince? OK, you are Prince.
And you're singing? Kiss, Kiss.
Check this sick beat you fucking prick! # THE CLASH: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Guitar? Rooted to the floor and going walking? These boots were made for walking.
I'm standing still and now I'm going somewhere.
I don't know why I stay here, I should go.
Should I Stay Or Should I Go? (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round Recognise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now.
We'll have some sweet times, we're gonna get involved in some lovin' with Holly's batty.
You get me? See you in three.
Coming up after t'break Your clit's so big it's got a walking stick.
Are you enjoying this? Mum? Dad? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Welcome back to the final part of Celebrity Juice.
All to play for in our final round, it is the buzzer round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway.
Be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? Nice! Oh, nice.
John Thomson.
Great.
Fearne Cotton, what's your buzzer this week? Touch me foreskin! (LAUGHTER) Is that me? Yeah.
Let's commence.
Who did this man spend 20 grand to look like? Let me give you a little rim.
Nice! Holly's team? Is it the lovechild of Adele and Kim Jong-il? No.
Shit on my face.
Nice! This is a very nice chap who I met this week who had spent £20,000 of his benefit money to look like David Beckham.
Oh Oh, it didn't work, did it? I will give you a bonus point for anyone who can do a good impression of David Beckham.
I can.
It's sort of like that, isn't it, really? That's it, a point for your team.
What new phone line service has Noel Edmonds just launched? Mm, your shit tastes reallynice! The speaking cock.
The speaking? Cock.
No.
Get those beads out of my arse! Another one of Daisy's catchphrases.
This is a good one.
If your animals are depressed, you can call Noel.
That's co A motivational speech service for depressed pets.
Surely not? What have Madame Tussauds Museum done to their Brad and Angelina waxworks? Cup me balls! Fearne's team? They've separated the waxworks.
That's correct.
Isn't it sad? What did Sinitta say about the divorce? Your clit's so big it's got a walking stick! (LAUGHTER) Are you enjoying this, Mum, Dad? She's mad.
She said she wasn't responsible for the breakup.
That's co She said she wasn't involved.
I think we've got a picture of her when she was involved with him back in the day.
That was everyone's first worry, wasn't it.
Oh, Sinitta.
Why has Holly Willoughby been asked for loads of nude and tit pics this week? Mmm, deep style, nice! Phil was getting a bit bored? (LAUGHTER) No, it wasn't, I joined the world of Snapchat this week.
That's correct.
So, you've had loads of people going "show us your tits"? None of them are me.
Who is this patriotic hunk? Is it Geri Halliwell? No.
Geri Halliwell! Fearne's team? It's me.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
How did Simon Cowell congratulate one of his hopeful contestants on last week's X Factor? Do it through my jeans! Offered him a contract, then retracted it when the cameras went off.
Ruined his life and ultimately sent him to an early grave.
No, that's incorrect.
Oh, it's all wetnice! Didn't he, when they have the group hug, didn't he go like that and almost punch somebody out? That's correct, he punched her in the face by accident.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance!