Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

N/A - Will Mellor, Danny Miller, Danielle Armstrong, Jonny Vegas

1 I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not new titles.
We'll change them in next series.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me, but wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4k? (CHEERING) Yeah! Boom! Hurrah! Hello.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Before further ado, before I do a do or a poo, let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right, he is back filling in for Gino, it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, ey-up, it's Emmerdale's Danny Miller.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain, she is not very fit Yeah, she is fit.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who is on your team? Oh, on my left, he is a really stellar fella, it's Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, she's the blonde TOWIE bombshell, it's Danielle Armstrong.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Of course, Johnny is back because he's filling in for Gino 'Sheffield' D'Acampo, who is busy filming his Escape from Italy, "Because I want everyone to think I'm from Italy but I'm not from Italy, I'm from Sheffield.
" Long title.
But we loved you last week.
So we have asked you back.
It was dead nice.
Yeah.
You told us last week that you are looking for a sofa.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Because you were so great last week, you are not going to believe this, we had a whip-round and we have bought you a sofa.
We have.
We have.
It is out the back.
(THIS IS YOUR LIFE THEME) AUDIENCE: Ooh! It is all right, isn't it? It is comfy as well.
Have you proper bought that? We have.
You can take that home tonight.
Really? AUDIENCE: Aw! (APPLAUSE) I am really appreciative because I always work hard when I come on this show.
Well, we love you for it.
I'm going home with a sofa.
My mum and dad will be chuffed.
The family will come round, people will sit in it and say how did you get that? And I will go it was bought for me.
Because I'm a better person than you.
(LAUGHTER) Nobody gets a sofa bought for them.
When you get a sofa bought for you, you have achieved a certain social status.
And I want to stop talking but I can't.
Johnny, we fucking gave you a sofa.
Shut the fuck up! (LAUGHTER) Jesus Christ! How are you going to get it home? Oh, God.
Typical of a woman! The happiest I have ever been, "How are you going to get it home?" (LAUGHTER) It's Danny Miller, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Danny, let's talk about your character in Emmerdale.
Aaron, or if you are American, A-aron.
That's right, yeah.
What is A-aron like? If you have not seen him in Emmerdale? He is a gay scrapyard engineer.
Do you ever get so involved in your character that when you are finished, you forget that you are not gay and you accidentally suck a dick or lick an arsehole? (LAUGHTER) It depends.
It depends how pissed I am.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) Danny, is it true you can do an impression of Kevin Webster from Coronation Street? A good impression.
It depends what you class as a good impression.
Well, do it and we will tell you if it is good.
Down at Camera-1.
(AS KEVIN WEBSTER) Hey, stay away from Rosie.
All right!/fo (LAUGHTER) That is good.
Can anybody else do an impression of anyone? Will is good at impressions.
Who is your impression, Will? Who do you do? I do a bit of John Bishop.
John Bishop? Down Camera-5, John Bishop.
(AS JOHN BISHOP) Every jokeI tellends the same.
Justlike tha'.
(LAUGHTER) Is it true you got really angry in a Premier Inn recently, Danny? Oh, Jesus.
In a hotel.
We heard you got really vexed because they gave you a small towel.
We have got a picture of you with the small towel.
Oh, fuck off (LAUGHTER) I don't know what you are laughing at, Mellor.
Look at this.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) "Give me a bigger towel!" I've stayed at that same hotel and all the towels are really small.
This is me when I stayed there.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, she makes my arm strong, it's Danielle Armstrong.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You all right, Danielle.
I am all right.
It's nice you are on the show.
This is the first for you.
I am enjoying it.
Everyone was like, "Be careful.
He goes h (LAUGHTER) Later on I will go hard.
No, I meant So, anyway.
I am excited to be here.
You have been busy doing a new TOWIE? Yes.
You have been in Marbella.
Got back yesterday.
Marbs, Marbs, Marbs.
Yeah.
I feel bad that we've dragged you back here.
And you won't be able to learn your lines and go back (LAUGHTER) What are you talking about? It's all real.
/font Pf-f-f! Pf-f-f! It is all real.
It is so - Pf-f-f! There is no one in TOWIE who is actually famous.
They are just people in kitchens or in sets of kitchens, they are in kitchen showrooms.
(LAUGHTER) (MOCKING) What are you gonna do? What would you do? I don't know! I'm asking you, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
What did you say to him? Oh, my God, though.
Oh, my God.
What did he say? Yeah, but what did he do? I can't believe it.
Did he smell? I don't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I know.
With the d I'm so upset.
Get rid of him.
Leave it out.
I like that dress.
You too.
Love your hat.
Where's that dress from? Lipsy? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) We actually sound like that.
Where is Arg? Eating.
(HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oo-oo-ooh! No, I'm joking.
No.
I love Arg.
I do.
He gets lost though, doesn't he? He likes getting lost.
He does.
Have you had the exclusive about Arg and Lydia? Give us the Right, so, when we was in Marbella, they slept together again.
(GASPS) Are they back? I was honestly really shocked.
I couldn't believe font co I suppose you have got to go with the script, whatever it is saying.
(LAUGHTER) I tell you what, there's one thing I always wanted to know.
Go on.
You are called Armstrong but is your arm strong? Let's find out as we play Is Daniel Armstrong's Arm Strong? (APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING) So we are going to find out if your arms are strong.
As you can see we have got a balloon on this pump.
All you have to do is pump it up in the allotted time.
Try and make it burst.
If it bursts, you win a point for your team.
OK.
Are you ready? I will hold it for you.
You just pump it.
Oh, I can't.
You can't hold it there.
You have just got to pump it.
That's it.
Oh, no.
I'm right-handed.
Is this my left or right? (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Oh, this is hard work.
This is ridiculous.
It won't burst.
(KLAXON) Yeah, but I'd done it.
You haven't burst it.
Because it is so nearly there, if you rub the end Oh, don't wind me up.
(LAUGHTER) It might burst.
Just rub the end.
(BANG) A point for your team! (APPLAUSE) Danielle, I am loving that dress.
(RINGTONE) Oh, it is Gino, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! I am going to put you to my mic.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you.
How are you? I'm good.
How are you? What I you doing? I am taking a break from filming Gino's Italian Escape.
(LAUGHTER) Gino's Escape from Italy? It's not Gino's Escape from Italy (LAUGHTER) Where is Johnny Vegas? He is sat in your seat over there.
What is he doing there for two weeks in a row? He is the new Tell him I'm going to get a job in Bellidorm or whatever he does.
(LAUGHTER) In Bellidorm? (LAUGHS) I am upset that you have given him a sofa.
I am sorry but he has done really well.
He does bring a lot of passion.
What do you mean? I bring a lot of I am going to sort this out.
Him and his bloody sofa.
(LAUGHTER) What's going to happen? We will get you a sofa too, Gino.
Yeah, we will get you a sofa.
I don't want a flipping sofa! (LAUGHTER) I want my job back.
Gino we are going.
Don't be too angry, yeah? Bye, Gino.
Bye, Gino.
font color="# Everybody say goodbye to Gino.
AUDIENCE: Bye, Gino! They called you a bell-end, sorry.
(LAUGHTER) I would say he is England's answer to Robert De Niro, it is Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have got a look of De Niro.
Have I? I bet you can do De Niro, can't you? See.
That is Popeye.
A close second.
Popeye.
I tell you what, Will.
You are a brilliant actor.
But every time you come on Juice, or anything I do, we always try and embarrass you with a video clip from your singing career, don't we? Stop it.
You have done it all now.
There is nothing else.
Actually, you don't have another clip.
We have run out.
We have done it so many times.
So, you are all right.
We haven't.
I thought we did.
We haven't.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, I thought we did have another clip.
Oh, we have got a clip.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, we haven't.
I'm just joking.
So tell me about this clip that we have got here.
# Even though I try # I can tell myself, I'll get over you # You are on my mind # No matter what I do # Somewhere in my heart # I'm still holding you # You're still beside me # No matter what I do # (APPLAUSE) What is the message? (LAUGHTER) It is supposed to be a bit of a spoof thing, as you can tell.
That was a spoof? My dad was in it, as well.
I got my dad in it.
What? Playing you? He was playing a gangster.
We have got a picture of your dad.
Here is your dad.
There is your dad.
(LAUGHTER) Is it fair to say that you are a huge fan of melons? Do you know what, I do like a melon.
It is one of your facts.
That you are a fan of the melon.
I do like the melon.
Seriously though, did you hear about that big news recently? No.
There was a truck that collided with another truck.
One truck was filled with melons and the other one was packed with thousands of coins.
I think we have got a picture, there you go.
All the coins got stuck inside the melons.
I thought it'd make a fantastic game, that you will like cos you are a big fan of melons.
Let play Who Wants to Be a Melon-aire? (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Who Wants to Be a Mellion-aire? I've been trying to say million but it is melon.
What you have got to do in this game, it is very simple.
You have got to find the coin embedded within the melon.
You can only do this using two fingers.
That is disgusting.
(LAUGHTER) Then you take the coin and put it in the team captains' furry purses.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look at your furry purse, Holly? # JACKSON 5: A-B-C Fearne, let's have a look at your furry purse? # AEROSMITH: Dude Looks Like a Lady (LAUGHTER) You go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) There it is.
(CHEERING AND ENCOURAGEMENT) Have you found it? No? There is one coin.
I have found it.
Put it in your furry purse.
Is it just one? That is it.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Danielle got it straight away.
AUDIENCE: Go on, Fearne! Work it.
Really get into it.
Will, have you got anything? Two fingers.
Can you feel it? I can feel it, oh, yeah.
Have you hit the s I have.
(LAUGHTER) Yes! Got your coin? Both coins.
That means that Holly's team is the winning team.
(APPLAUSE) I was having a right good dig as well.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-a-a-ting.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hold on.
This shit's just got real.
We are going to CCTV outside.
Gino has apparently sent his Italian heavies round.
(LAUGHTER) I don't think he was happy with Vegas.
There they are.
This could turn very nasty.
They look friendly, Johnny.
Not that friendly.
They are not coming in the building, are they? Oh, they have found your sofa.
Oh, fuck you.
Where are they? (LAUGHTER) Don't worry.
Oh, no! Oh, you fucking dicks.
He is trying to break the cushions.
(CLANKING) That is quite a hard sofa.
Yeah.
It is un-smashable.
It is not bad but now I am questioning the comfort levels of something I have never hit a sofa with a baseball bat and heard bang.
(LAUGHTER) Johnny, have you ever been down the shops and thought it'd be easier to collect your food produce and stuff if you had a sticky suit rather than a bag? I have.
Good, let's play The Sticky Newsagent Pickup Challenge.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So here we are with Will and Johnny.
As you can see they are dressed in their specially designed sticky suits.
These we have borrowed from NASA.
I have a friend called Jamal who works there on a Saturday.
He designed these.
They haven't gone into production yet.
Hopefully they will do.
What we're going to do is send you down Borehamwood high street to a newsagents.
You have got to go into the newsagent and pick up as many goods as you can, within the allotted time.
Then the shopkeeper will tot up the total amount of cash that it is worth on your body.
The person with the highest cash value will win two points for your team.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! I am going to guide you out.
Come on.
All you do is - Come on! (APPLAUSE) We are just going out now.
Don't talk to any strangers.
There we go.
OK.
We are going to go to an ad break now.
We will see you in a bit.
Coming up after the break: Oh, he is going for the crisps.
This is an actual newsagents, we do apologise.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Would you say it's fair to say, at the moment, you are the king of soaps? Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna put your knowledge to the test as we play A Question of Soap.
Hi, my name is Keith Lemon, welcome to A Question of Soap.
As you can see, Danny is now wearing some special apparatus.
You look good.
Seriously? No, not really.
You look a bit good.
These two fashion holes in your T-shirt look good.
In this game, all you've got to do is give me the ID flavour of some different soaps.
You can only use taste alone to ID the soaps.
Are you ready for this? So ready.
Can we have a dramatic lighting change, please? That's tense! That's tense! They're keeping with tense.
OK.
Here's the first.
Just turn around.
For you guys at home and our audience, this is the first one.
In case you smell it, I'm just gonna put a peg on your nose.
Just in case I didn't look like a dick.
You look like you're fun.
You look like a fun guy.
Right, right.
OK, here's the first one.
Is it soap, really? It is soap, yes.
Go on, using your tongue.
What flavour is that? Oh, my God.
Don't eat it! Oh, my God, it's creamy! (LAUGHTER) If you're at home and you've got some spare soap, and you fancy licking it to detect what taste it is, don't! What do you think it is? What flavour is that soap? He's going back for more.
The peg is deceiving my senses.
/ Can I take the peg off? OK, I'm back.
What flavour is that soap? Cocoa butter.
Cocoa butter? It doesn't taste like cocoa butter.
Say what I can't work it out.
I've smelt it in a girl's flat before.
I can't work out what the taste is.
In a girl's what? Fla Oh, flat.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna go for elderflower.
Elderflower? Do you want to lock it in? Let's lock it in.
Lock it in! Elderflower.
We locked it in.
What does that mean? We've locked it in.
You can't change your answer.
I'm afraid that the answer was marshmallow.
That's a tough one.
Next up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) Great (!) High-five! Put this on, it will look like your normal ensemble when you're out shopping.
Yeah! Absolutely.
You can't cheat and start sniffing.
I got ya.
You can probably smell them all from under here, can't you? Got ya.
Don't breathe those two little ducks in.
For you guys at home and the studio audience, this is the soap.
Isn't that interesting? Interesting as in fucking rank? It's probably quite a posh soap.
I don't know.
But what flavour is the posh soap? Cos you know I'm very posh.
This is very weird, isn't it? Yes, it's very strange.
Do you want to lick? Yeah.
Don't worry, there's no sugar in it.
Urgh! (COUGHS) I'm gonna go with Rose.
Rose.
Do you want to lock it in? Lock that shit in.
Let's lock it You've locked it in, you said rose.
I can tell you it was oatmeal! Oatmeal soap?! That's weird, isn't it? That's quite posh.
Yeah, it doesn't taste like oatmeal at all.
Rank.
Urgh! Oh, God! Why did you do that? Arh, arh, arh! We all knew that was gonna happen! I didn't know! I've never eaten soap before! That's why you haven't eaten it before! It's all stuck in (GAGS) (COUGHS) Your teeth look nice and shiny, though.
Fearne Cotton, every (APPLAUSE) OK, I've just had news that Johnny and Will are outside the newsagents.
Can you hear me, boys? I haven't been this sticky since I was about 14.
(LAUGHTER) How's my couch? Your sofa? Let's have a look, let's see if it's safe.
Oh, no.
No.
Oh! Gino's guys are back.
They're throwing dough balls and sauce on it.
I swear to God, he better not be! What's that? He's putting a bit of pepper on it.
Don't take the piss! Come on, we're gonna play this game, right? You've got an allotted time to go into the newsagents, pick up as many items as you can, not with your hands, with your sticky suit.
Are you ready? Go! (KLAXON) Oh, look! Johnny's gone for the greeting cards! They've gone for the magazines! Will's gone for the magazines.
Johnny is going for for the top shelf.
No hands! Oh, my God.
He's going for the crisps! They're fighting each other! Don't hug each other! This is an actual newsagents, we do apologise.
Get some lotto cards.
Sweets, get the sweets! They are going for greeting cards.
Get off! There is anger there.
There is violence.
Sweets and crisps! Crisps are very light, easy to carry! No hands, stop eating them! What's he going for? Going for the sweets! Get crisps! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Your time is up! Johnny, your time is up! Johnny, your time is up, go to the cashier! (LAUGHTER) I want to see the cashier's face.
You've got a lovely shop.
The cashier is going to tot up everything that stuck to you.
We'll find out who won after the break.
Can you get the newsagents to link to the break? Can you link to the break? We are going to the advert.
Take three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Listen up, you short-arsed Italian, I'm coming to where you live.
I'm gonna take away olive oil! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Before the break, we sent Will Mellor and Johnny Vegas to the newsagents hoping to win points for their teams.
I have been told they are coming back.
This is real.
Honestly.
I've got Nutella on my arm.
I've got a shelf on my back.
Look at that, he has got the holder for the magazine.
What's this? I don't know.
I was fucking saving that! The cashier has calculated the cash total of the products stuck to you.
Will Mellor has £86.
40.
Johnny Vegas has got £112.
80.
Yes! Which means Holly's team is the winner! OK, it is now time to play Shouting One Out.
Hi.
Here I am at the toilets on the set of Emmerdale.
What we have got to do is read out some gossip from the stalls.
That is American for shit pots.
Then they are going to pass it down to each other.
If they get the gossip right at the end, they will get a point.
They have got sound cancelling headphones on.
Let's see if they're working.
Wa go on, Danny? What's doing down? Danny! Danny! I talking to you.
(SPEAKS NONSENSE) I dunno, mate.
You're turning me on a little bit.
Have you got a bonk on? Small cock, yeah.
Tiny.
He definitely can't hear me, so let's do this thing.
Here's the gossip.
Did you see Coleen Nolan squeeze into Britney Spears' red latex catsuit? Talk about embarrassing parents.
Oooh! Pass it on.
I'm having to improvise because I don't know what he said.
Something to do with Keith Lemon having a small cock.
Oooh! You've got impressive thighs.
And a lovely head.
Keith Lemon's got a small cock.
(MOUTHS) That did not work out well.
You pissed on my heart.
There is no cheese here left for you.
Take them off.
Take them off.
The actual gossip was (READS OUT) What?! No point there.
That was font color="#00fff We've got news in about your sofa, Johnny.
Has he put it? (LAUGHTER) Oh, dear.
Shabby chic.
Johnny Gino D'Acampo has just gone too far.
Kenny G don't like it and neither does the Rock.
I'm so sorry, Johnny.
Maybe you can use them as single seater chairs.
Camera two, give Gino a message.
Eh, Gino, you've got one thing going for you, right, and it's not your fucking height! Listen to me, you short-arsed Italian, you pick on a couch, you pick on all couches! I'm coming to where you live, and I'm going to take away olive oil! (LAUGHTER) Then you'll have to cook with Crisp 'n Dry.
And it'll taste like one of those Beefeater restaurants.
No matter what you do, and how you drizzle, and how you impress them in the morning, when you go AS GINO: 'What I do-a now is-a this and-a that.
' It's gonna taste like my nan cooked some fucking offal.
You've messed with the wrong bloke! And I've got news for you, most people don't like rocket, it gets stuck in their teeth.
Next up, it's Fearne's team.
Hi.
Here I am in the toilets on Emmerdale Farm.
How it's going? Do you want to come to the pictures with me and go swimming afterwards? Get you some cheese and onion crisps.
No, I haven't started! Oh, I thought you said something about garlic.
No.
Here it is.
Go on.
That Will Mellor loves a good old singsong.
He is often in here blasting out a selection of his biggest hits.
All right.
That watermelon looks good.
Like your tits.
And you look very plastic.
OK.
This is very weird.
There was a pillock.
He had nice tits.
And someone said they look good, but plastic.
Hello, mate.
How's it going? There was a pillock in a shite tent.
And someone said he looked good but he didn't.
Peculiar.
I can tell you that the gossip was: Hits, tits! It sounds like watermelon.
No, but it wasn't that at all.
So that is no point for your team.
Well, that was the final round this week.
I can tell you that the winning team this week on Celebrity Juice is: Holly's team! (APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I will see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # CHUMBAWAMBA: Tubthumping