Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

Vicky Pattison, Chris Ramsey, John Barrowman, Kieron Richardson

I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not new titles.
We'll change them in t'next series.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got those bangers, boy! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me, but secretly wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING) Yeah! High five! High five! How do? Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
First up, it is Fearne Cotton! On my left, I have my second favourite Geordie, Chris Ramsey.
On my right, I have my first favourite Geordie, Vicky Pattison.
Geordies! You look well.
You look so fit, I would lick you till you dissolve.
I would.
Unfortunately, Holly is not here, apparently she got her tit caught in a car door.
John Barrowman! Who is on your team? On my left, I have Kieron Richardson.
G'day, sir.
On my right, it is a blank seat.
It should be Gino D'Acampo.
(GODFATHER TUNE) Thank you, thank you.
There we go.
Thank you.
May I just say how much I love this show, especially when Holly is not here to be the captain.
Thank you.
Very nice.
Who is this? John Barrowman is the captain.
He is a bit of You - lovely.
John We had a deal.
No, we don't.
When you are not here, I/font I am the captain! Hey, not my fault! So I am being replaced by a younger version of Phillip Schofield? Sit down, you prick! Don't worry.
I will let you be my captain any day.
I bet you would.
Oh, I would.
What I've heard about you, I would.
Are you OK? I am fine, you font color="#00f OK.
You have old gay, young gay.
I was once gay.
Everybody should be once.
font color relationship with a cock.
That will not work.
John Barrowman! John, you can sing, you can dance, you can act, you can present telly shows, and apparently, you have the biggest cock in show business.
Here it is.
John Barrowman, biggest cock in show business.
Look at his face! John, let him practise! You are famous for playing the role of Captain Jack Harkness.
You are doing the superhero show Arrow.
Sharknado 3.
Shark Attack 3.
We haven't got a clip.
Anyway, we have, let's have a look.
We are taking on water! I'll be right there! Over here! Aaargh! Fucking shit! It's so bad.
That makes Jurassic Park look shit! You have a love scene in that.
I did but it wasn't working because it was all just play.
Even with your powerful massive cock? I tape down.
They give you a jockstrap, they pushes everything flat.
font color="#ffffff" wear one of those, don't you? The love scene is really romantic.
It is how you get to the love scene which I think is fantastic.
Watch this chat-up line, it blows Gino's out of the water.
I'm exhausted.
Me too.
I am really wired.
How about I take you home and eat your pussy? Fantastic! Until the day I die, I will never live that down.
Never, ever.
Let's gan doon the town! It's Vicky Pattison! You and Chris are soon going to Australia, aren't you? You are doing the spin-off show.
You speak the same dialect and you have Stacey and Swash.
He has had a sore throat all his life.
We have Stacey who has a cold most of the time.
You can understand them and how will they understand you? You have really thick Geordie accent, almost If we talk fast enough, even the people here won't know what the fuck is going on.
Vicky, you have done a trek in Iceland.
Was that just walking up and down the aisles? I got quite a few Pavlovas.
Tell us abo It was tough.
I nearly lost my little toe.
We have a picture That looks like you've got a little toe growing out of your little toe.
Basically, I didn't have time to wear in my boots and I got a mixture of frostbite and a big blister.
Have you ever tried to eat a banana and it's gone all wrong? I don't think so.
I know for a fact that Barrowman cannot eat bananas properly.
Look at this picture.
Why aren't you eating it vertically? I was showing somebody a trick that I do.
Show us the trick.
(CHEERING) All in one piece! Victoria, I'll tell you what, I have got a lot of time for you but I will not just give points away but I will give you a point if you can do that.
Go on! Just one of your five a day, isn't it, really? I am gonna be shit at this.
Take your time! Worth a point.
That is worth a point.
Well done.
It's Kieron Richardson! That's just come back from the ad break.
You have been playing a character in Hollyoaks, you have been nominated for a national television award for Best Serial Drama Performance.
Congratulations.
Which is all fine and dandy until I watched t'telly this week.
We have Danny Miller being incredible on Emmerdale and David Platt going crazy and all these other people are doing incredible things and I'm off screen for t'week.
You have to get on the social network.
Have you seen it, when they beg? Celebrity Juice is nominated.
If I do you, will you do me? Can I watch? I would never beg whilst we were on t'telly like Loose Women.
You are a very good programme.
That woman has it upside down! You get voted for.
You don't beg for it.
The audience decides.
Let the audience decide.
The day that I go on telly and beg for votes, I'll quit.
What about you? It toe-curling I am not going on Twitter and suck dicks for votes.
Those people who do stunts.
It cheapens it.
It cheapens it.
If you begged and begged and got on social media, then you didn't win, what would you do? No chance! Totally embarrassing.
Don't you ever beg! Anyway, Kieron would you agree it is hard work putting together flatpack furniture.
I have a picture of you putting that together.
It looks like you are auditioning for Gay Terminator: The Musical.
You have the same problem as Danny Miller, don't you? When he stays at the Holiday Inn, he was complaining, every time I go there, they give me a small towel.
Look at his face.
You actually enjoy the small towel, don't you? There you are, enjoying it.
It looks like a surprised elephant has had its nose pulled off.
Chris, as well as doing the jungle extra, you have got a new TV show.
I have, my own show on Comedy Central.
It is exciting.
I am very excited.
What I am more excited about is showing this picture.
I was recently watching a repeat of old Jeremy Kyles.
I think I spotted you in the audience.
(GASPS) I am hoping you are in the audience.
That is me, that is my actual hair.
It looks like Darth Vader's helmet made out of hair.
Your h six inches below where your hair ends.
Did you tease that in the morning? How did you get it that high? Just like that.
/font Now it's time to play our first game, let's play The 5 Second Fool Xtreme.
Welcome.
Hold on tight and give me your answers within five seconds.
Three answers, one question.
Fuck! Let's turn it on.
You are smiling now.
Oh, my God.
Give me the name of three Scottish things.
Haggis, shortbread and a pint of Tennent's lager.
Three things that can split.
Your pants, your head and if you shag someone too hard, them.
Come on! This chair does something to you.
Three different ways to scare a pigeon.
Kick it, shout at it and put a cat in front of it.
(KLAXON) John Barrowman, everyone! What happened? I will see you later.
Next up - it's Vicky Pattison.
Take your shoes off.
(SCREAMS) Are you ready? Hang on.
They are secure.
Hold onto your tits.
Wye aye! Three things you gobble.
Potatoes, a penis, pasties.
Three Geordie noises.
Ee, way aye, howay! Three things you can spit on.
Oh, God.
Cocks, people anddogs? (KLAXON) Vicky Pattison, everyone! I don't know why you would spit on a dog.
Next up - it's K I need a wee.
Not the place to sit if you need a piss, son! Three different noises that you make when you are doing a poo.
I've run out of toilet paper! It won't come out! Three words to describe yourself.
Myself? Chiselled cheekbones, a perm and lovely white teeth.
The nam three different sexual positions.
Missionary, doggie We don't have that many, I am gay.
You could have had Gino's favourite, 69 with two fingers up her arse.
Kieron Richardson! And the scores are.
We are going to an ad break, see you in three.
I think you should just kiss and make up.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? Are you having a good time? Yeah! John's team, are you having a good time? Yes! We are missing someone.
What have you done? Nothing.
What have you done? It says what it was supposed to say, G.
Where is he? We went for a wee-wee and I didn't see him.
We have some CC stinks.
I think he's having a wee.
Argh! Nothing to do with me.
That is bang out of order and really pathetic and childish.
place! I'll tell you what, it is a good vehicle for a game.
Fearne? I'll tell you what, if your team can find him alive, you can have a point.
If you can find him and he's dead, bring his corpse back and we will give you half a point.
Off you go, find John Barrowman! I know where the gents is because I have a cock.
What is that smell? Don't worry, Vicky.
Pull it off the wall, there might be something on the back! Christ alive! What does it say? That a bit You have buried him? Where is he buried? Follow the clues.
Look on the floor! It is a Scottish professional.
I'm sure he left some clues like Hansel.
Biscuit crumbs! It is a haggis! He is a Scottish professional, he has left some clues.
Porridge.
I have got shortbread on my shoes! Fearne's eating the clues! It is his dressing room! Get in there! Find him! Gino, you bastard! It is so deep! Chris Ramsey is balls deep in John Barrowman! Having the time of his life! Fuck this, I've gotta get in! He is drowning in balls! Kieron is in there! Kieron! Give me your hand.
Have they got him? They've found him! He is crying! What is in his mouth? Don't lose Fearne! (LAUGHTER) Don't die! (LAUGHTER) Bring him back to the studio! (APPLAUSE) That was good, thank you.
Gino, don't you think you should apologise? I said to the guys, do something with his balls, I don't know what has happened there.
That is it, John! Put the onions up his arse! Look what he has just gone through.
Honestly.
I think you should just kiss and make up.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! Go on! AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Which means, because Fearne found John, that is a point for their team! I love Italians! The scores at the end of the round are John, you are a very good singer and a good actor, animal activist.
Have you ever put a stocking on your head with a satsuma and knocked items off a podium? No.
Well, let's play! Hello and welcome to the Helicopter Head Arena.
Here I am with John Barrowman and he has his stocking on his head with a Satsuma.
We have Vicky Pattison, how are your eyelashes? I can't see! This is a bit different from what we have done in the past because you will be going against each other.
There are podiums here from 1 to 5.
Knock each item off the podium for a point.
Then, once you have knocked off all the items, you will go to the centre podium for double points.
A point for each, a double point for this one.
Klaxon! Go on, Vicky, you can do it! Fast as lightning! Holy shit, look at that! He is not messing about.
Vicky is useless! Barrowman is straight on the podium! Come on, John! They are both going for the podium! Double points for Vicky! I am here with Christopher and Kieron.
Before, it was two points.
Double points for the centre podium, this time, we are tripling it! Ready? There is the klaxon! Here we go.
Oh! Kieron's scored.
Helicopter head.
That it! Kieron What's Ramsey up to? Triple points.
Come on! Right in the fucking eye! Just a bit of fun! Well done, Chris! The scores at the end of that round We are going to an ad break, see you in two.
Coming up Have you ever eaten a pussy? I will answer that question.
Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Our final-round is the Buzzer Round! John's team, what is your buzzer this week? I got the biggest cock in showbiz.
Fearne? Way aye, my toe's fucked! Why is John Barrowman pulling this face? Fearne's team? Is Gino giving him the shaft treatment? Is he wired and going to do that thing? Munch a pussy.
/font Have you ever eaten a pussy? Have you? I really love you for asking that question.
No, wait.
Because you asked me so nicely, I will answer that question.
I can't believe I'm gonna tell this! I wanted to see if I was totally gay or I was bisexual.
I wanted to really give it a try.
I had never done it.
I thought I gotta try this and see what all the talk is about it.
I got down there and I I thought I was going to be sick so I used my finger and I did the whole thingpretending it was my tongue I cannot believe I'm telling this on national television.
I knew already but I really confirmed that I do not like vaginas.
I called my mum and dad and told them.
Eh? I said, I have to tell you, I tried something.
I don't think I liked it.
My mother said, 'Don't worry, not everybody likes it the first time.
' I am a gold star gay.
I have never had sex with a woman, ever.
I congratulate you for that? What is happening in the picture? I just told that story! I don't even know.
You are having your legs waxed! For Loose Women, I sat on the chair, I fell backwards.
We ha of you falling.
Even our guest is getting involved! Are you all right? I love Loose Women, they all make the same noise my mum does.
When they are saying hello! Hellooo! That's the end of the Buzzer Round and the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is It would be good if you won for the first time, John.
Wouldn't it be weird if you won being on Gino's team because he never wins? He hasn't won, it was Fearne's team! If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window! Let's dance! (MUSIC STARTS) Go on, John, get it down you! Bye!