Celebrity Juice (2008) Episode Scripts

Halloween Special - Joey Essex, Cher Lloyd, Ben Shephard

1 Good evening, my name is Dracula and these are my Halloween titles.
There is Holly Willowboozy.
I want to taste her sweet blood.
There is Fearne Cotton.
It's disgusting.
And there is Gino D'acampo with a tiny prick.
We are all in this spooky place, but, don't worry, we are not dead.
Apart from me who is still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show? On telly, not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # SIA: Chandelier (MUSIC STOPS) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) For a moment there, you thought we'd got Sia on Celebrity Juice.
No, it's me, Keith Lemon, and welcome to a Halloween special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First of all, it's Holly Willowboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Or should I say, AKA Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad? Yes.
Do a split screen.
Down camera two, Holly.
I know you're pissed.
(LAUGHTER) (SLURS) I am a little bit I am a little bit drunk.
(LAUGHTER) Have we got a split screen on it? There it is.
Do the pose.
Look at that.
Look at that.
You look fit as fuck.
Thank you.
Dress like that on This Morning? Philip will have a heart attack.
You know what? There is a lot of polyester going on.
Can I remove this? Remove anything you want, Holly.
Whoo! It's only a fucking t-shirt.
(LAUGHTER) Holly, who's on your team? On my right, he puts the reem in scream.
It's Joey Essex.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left it's Cher Lloyd.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE) And our other captain - Fearne Cotton! (SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I love this.
Yeah? It's great fun.
font color="#f I love Halloween.
I love drunk Holly more than anything.
My favourite thing ever.
This is the first time I've had a drink this series.
(MOCKS You sound like Gino D'acampo.
I know.
Who's your little friend, by the way? He's my little dancer, isn't he? Do an interpretive dance.
# SIA: Chandelier (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team, Fearne? On my right is the monster that everyone likes to munch.
It's Ben Shephard.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left (THUNDERCLAP) .
.
it's Gino! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Shall we play a game? Yes! Gino? Just sit down, we're going to play games.
So I've finished? Yeah.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Let's do a split screen with Gino D'acampo.
(LAUGHTER) Gino D'acampo from Sheffield dressed as the puppet from Saw.
Let's check out Fearne against Angelina Jolie.
Oh, yes, yes.
(CHEERING) And Mr Shephard, Jack P Shephard's father, no less.
(LAUGHTER) Frankenstein.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joey, who have you come as? I've come as Donald Trump.
Donald Trump? Pretty obvious, innit? Let's do a split screen.
(LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) That is so good.
Let's do Cher.
Cher, you've come as Cher.
Yes! Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And you've come as my little dancer.
Yes.
Yeah.
Could you get us a drink? Get us a beer and some cheesy puffs.
Where are they? Cheesy puffs? Cheesy puffs.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it's Cher Lloyd, everyone! Cher Lloyd! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You've been off the radar for a while.
It was six years ago, X Factor, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah.
You did have a couple of songs, all did really well.
So well it took you to America.
Yeah.
And you live in America.
Yeah.
What's the American dream like, then? The American dream? A bit like the English dream, I suppose.
Everyone says "wankor", "tossor".
Yes! Like that, yeah.
And "trash" instead of "bin".
Rubbish.
And they go, "What is that? I don't know" Rubbish? Rubbish? Just like that.
You got married.
Haven't you? Yeah.
Congratulations.
There it is! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) He looks like he's got a tinge of the ginge to me.
Yes.
Do you like a ginge? Oh, I do.
How did you hook up? Did you impress him with a bit of Swagger Jagger? # Swagger jagger # Swagger, you should get some You can't stop looking at me You're a very expressive singer, aren't you? When you brought Swagger Jagger out.
Yeah.
You can't stop looking at me (LAUGHTER) What does he do for a living? He does my hair.
He's a hairdresser.
He's a hairdresser.
/ What's it like going out with a hairdresser? Tell me the highlights.
The highlights? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KEITH LAUGHS) He's the creepiest, he's the sickest, he's the reemiest.
It's Joey Essex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joey, what do you think of Donald Trump and his policies? I don't know.
I don't really know who he is.
(LAUGHTER) I don't really know who I am right now, but I know he's caked! Which means rich.
He's quite clever because he's about to rule the world.
Rule the world? Donald Trump's about to rule the world.
Would you have a message for Donald Trump? Down camera one.
Hello, Donald Trump.
I'm Joey Essex.
You probably don't know who I am.
If you are, I'm on ITV quite a lot.
You what I mean? You know what I'm saying? But, yeah, I don't know why I'm dressed as you tonight.
I didn't really know who you was, but I thought I'd be you tonight.
I don't know.
I think you've got a nice smile.
(LAUGHTER) (KEITH LAUGHS) And it's Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm glad Ben's on our team.
He's a Celebrity Juice virgin.
I know.
Can you believe that? I wanted to make sure the show was any good before I came on.
Did you see series 8? You look like Ant from Ant and Dec, but with food poisoning.
(LAUGHTER) No, no, my hair; his is further back.
His forehead is much bigger then this.
You know it.
We've got a picture of you.
Check this out.
Look at him, all ripped up.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is fitness very important to you? I enjoy it.
I think I can get away with less sleep if I keep myself fit.
Yeah.
I don't get a lot of sleep.
You got ripped up with Chris Kamara, my half brother.
Yes! Kammy, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What happened? Well, we worked together on Sky and they wanted to do a feature on sports broadcasters, seeing if they could get a six pack in six weeks.
Yep.
/font Kammy wanted to do it, but Kammy's from a different generation.
He's from a different planet, if you ask me.
(LAUGHTER) You're absolutely right.
A lovely fella and he's my half brother and everything.
He'll laugh at a spoon.
Yeah.
We've got a picture of him all ripped up.
There he is.
He got close, though.
His stomach actually looks like a sad man.
(LAUGHTER) You do Tipping Point as well.
I do.
There you are, presenting Tipping Point.
I don't know if you know, but I went to Brighton Pier the other week.
There's lots of machines down there that have robbed your idea of Tipping Point.
They've done what? We've got pictures.
(LAUGHTER) Ben, in honour of Tipping Point, I've come up with a game where you can help me out.
OK.
I've got this old mattress I need to get rid of.
Right.
Let's play.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All you have to do to win a point for your team is discard the mattress.
Drag it out of the studio, perhaps find a wall and just tip it over.
Tip it over the wall.
You win a point for your team.
But to make it more like a game, there'll be a lot of time.
How much? An allotted time.
It's TV.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
Stop talking, then.
(HOOTER) Go, Ben! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There he goes! This way, Ben.
This way! That's it.
(LAUGHTER) Where am I going? Just look for a wall and discard of that mattress.
He's like Mr Universe, isn't he? It's not easy to carry a mattress.
Don't fall.
look for a wall.
Throw it over a wall! Remember, you've got an allotted time.
Where's he gone? Where's he gone? Go on, Ben.
Get rid of it! Throw it over the wall! Argh! Look at that.
Look at that.
Go on.
Higher! Ohh! If you're watching ITV2, we're watching Ben Shephard throw a mattress over a wall.
You're nearly there.
Go on, Ben, you can do it! Shephard! Shephard! Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Looking determined.
It's looking Ugh.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) It is like Ninja Warrior, innit? Yes! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Where's my head? Somebody's got to find my head.
Don't worry.
It was worth it because you've won one point.
Yes! No, you can't leave that there! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I just want to make an announcement.
I don't condone tipping if Offcof are watching.
Fly tipping is illegal.
It's wrong and you can get done by the police and got to prison.
And you can also get bummed in prison, so it's not a good idea if you're thinking of dumping all your junk on someone else's department.
As it's Halloween, let's play a game which is Halloween relevant.
What's relevant to Halloween? Fangs.
What are fangs? Teeth.
Let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm going to give you a category.
The category is Joey Essex.
Holly, you're showing your teeth.
You're showing your teeth! (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) No! Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(LAUGHTER) I forgot the rules! Are you ready to hide the teeth? Ready.
Joey? Bats.
Dolls.
Dolls? Little Dolls.
Bemons! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Bampires.
Spiders.
Bracula! (LAUGHTER) Quasimodo! (LAUGHTER) Clams.
Eh? Clowns.
(HOOTER) Clowns! (LAUGHTER) (HOOTER) OK.
Baldy Mort.
(LAUGHTER) Bal-dy Mort.
Werewolves.
Ah-ooo! Werewolves.
Danzens.
Benetton.
Eh? Benetton? Baby's dog.
Eh? A baby dog.
(HOOTER) That was a lure.
(HOOTER) You can't lure people.
Liberty.
(LAUGHTER) Haunted forest.
Freddy Krueger.
This is my - (HOOTER) Wankers! Beach.
Bitch? No.
Beach.
Witch.
Witch.
Goblin? Simon Cowell.
That's a good one! Peppa Pig.
(HOOTER) Scream.
Snakes.
Eh? Snakes.
Freddy Krueger.
(HOOTER) Bossed it out.
Bossed it out.
And the scores in that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break, Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! (LAUGHTER) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, Halloween Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly's team, are you having a good time? Yeah! Fearne's team? Oh, fantastic.
Are you feeling Halloweeny? (CRACK OF THUNDER AND SCREAMING) Who turned out the lights? Oh, I've got chills all down my spine.
You don't know this, but the studios here at Elstree are haunted.
Oh, shut up.
The studios are built on an ancient burial ground.
That's why they call it Hell-stree.
I'm never coming back here again.
Well, earlier on, Gino was digging up some bones, and he spread the bones around the studio.
Oh, yeah.
Now, the way to get rid of the spirit is to collect the bones I don't want to do this! .
.
so the spirit can be freed.
Let's have a look down the corridor.
We're going live.
(HOWLING) Look - there's paranormal activity already there.
What a nightmare.
What a nightmare, indeed! Well, guess who's playing this round.
Who? You.
Let's play.
(APPLAUSE) So, Joey is the man for the job.
Our lives are in your hands.
(GROANS) Ooh! What's up? You've got to collect all the bones.
Each bone means a point for your team.
(CRACK OF THUNDER) There's five rooms.
So, here's your sack to collect your bones.
Good luck.
(CRACK OF THUNDER) Right, go! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We'll talk you through it.
I don't know where I'm going.
You look creepy-sick, man.
Go down the corridor.
This is ridiculous.
Look in the pram.
(GASPS) Is that real? Select the bones! The baby's left no bones for me.
The skeleton hand, Joey.
Get the bone! There's a whole hand there.
Yeah, he's got it.
Put it in your bag.
I can't get Up the corridor.
I'm trapped.
(LAUGHS) Oh, look.
A fucking spider.
Amazing! I'm trapped, mate.
(LAUGHING) My fucking wig's come off! Shit.
Oh, he's lost his hair! Oh, luckily, there's a person there! Keep going.
Go in the dressing-room.
Shh.
Shh.
Go to the mini-bar.
Donald Trump is Keith, who's the geezer in front of me? It's not real.
Get the bones.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What was that? Next room.
Oh! What is that? It's a pig-geezer Joey! Aaaarghh! Joey, can you hear me? Well, they put a trap in here! Aaaarghh! Joey They put a trap in Joey, the bones are in the bath.
They took a liberty, mate.
Don't tell me this is a real person.
OK.
I won't, then.
(GROANS) Aaaarghh! What was that? (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Yes.
Next dressing-room.
Are you all right? What? Yeah, I'm all right.
I can't believe how ridiculous this is.
Aaaarghh! (APPLAUSE) Fuck me! This ain't a joke, man.
(APPLAUSE) Next dressing-room.
That geezer who just scared me didn't even have a bone.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Come on.
Forget about the Poltergeist.
This is the scariest one so far.
He can't see anything.
This is the scariest one.
Can you see anything? I can't see anything.
On the wall on your left.
Aaaarghh! (CHAIR CREAKING) It's just a chair.
Have you got it? I've got it.
Aaaarghh! Fuck off! (APPLAUSE) This is so good! Fucking hell! I don't like things like this.
You've got the bones.
Come back.
I don't do things like this.
Oh, you scary little fucker.
Joey, you look creepy-sick.
Come back.
Whoever accepts to do that job is weird.
(LAUGHS) There's a bone on the table.
Is that Dean Gaffney? (LAUGHTER) It's Ben Shephard.
Aaaarghh! Get away! What the fuck? Ohwow! Get the bone on the table.
Wow.
Cheers, mate.
You've got it.
Come back.
Oh, my God! (RATTLING) Wow! Well done, Joey.
Joey Essex, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, it's hit my face! One, two Oh, it was ridiculous.
I can't believe how they put a corridor like that.
Three.
/ Mental.
That's gonna take a lot of work to clear up.
(LAUGHS) It'll take ages to clear up! You got four bones.
Holly, for an extra five points, will you go in? Oooh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You know I will literally shit my pants.
Five points.
AUDIENCE: Holly! Holly! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) She's doing it.
Can I take my bat? I'm taking my fucking bat.
Yeah.
They're gonna take their chances with me.
OK.
Off you go.
You show 'em.
No, I don't want to go.
Go on, Holly! (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Oh, she's brave.
Well done, Holly.
Baby, baby, baby.
OK.
Hi, baby.
You look good.
She's passing the pram with the mask in it.
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.
Gino, go on.
I'm not even looking in there.
# Unicorns - I love them # Oh, my God! There's a pig in a bath.
Go in.
She's gonna go in.
Aaaarghh! What the fuck are you doing? (LAUGHTER) Look at Gino.
(WHIMPERING) Aaaarghh! (SHRIEKS) (APPLAUSE) There she is! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very brave.
I know.
There was a pig in a bath.
You're so brave.
(APPLAUSE) And the scores are Sha-ting! We're gonna go to an ad break now.
See you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break I can see your hairy arsehole.
That's not the thing.
No! Hello and welcome back to our Halloween Celebrity Juice Special! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK.
It's now time for an oldie but goldie - one of my favourites.
Hello and welcome.
We're here at Bumwarts, the school where Harry Potter goes.
You know the score.
I read out some gossip and pass it down.
If they can retrieve the gossip back to me, they'll get a point.
They've got sound-cancelling headphones on.
Let's see if they're working.
Can you hear me? What? Can you hear me? No.
I look like a dirty little weirdo in a toilet.
(LAUGHS) Here's the gossip.
'Ben Shephard yanked Kate Garraway into an ice-bath on live TV, and the nation saw her loofah.
' Ooh.
Pass it on.
Oi, Holly.
Are you doing a piss? Right.
Listen.
Ben Shephard likes cuddling dogs in bed.
Apparently.
Ben Shephard loves dressing as a woman and goes dogging.
(LAUGHTER) Yep.
Believe.
Ben Shephard likes dressing as a woman, and he goes dogging.
(APPLAUSE) Take them off.
Take them off.
So, Cher, what was the gossip, again? Ben Shephard likes dressing as a woman, and he goes dogging.
Yes! Absolutely right, Cher.
That was correct.
No, it wasn't.
That was near enough.
He loves dogs.
The gossip was: 'Ben Shephard yanked Kate Garraway into an ice-bath on live TV, and the nation saw her loofah.
' What? You didn't say that to me.
I did.
No, you didn't.
I did.
Ladies and gentlemen - Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up: it's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, we've got Fearne's team in the stalls.
Let's just see if they can't hear anything.
Ben How's it going? You'd like to do what to me? Shall I give you the actual info? Something '.
.
pulling my pants down.
' But that's all I've got.
Right, then.
Here it comes.
'Cher Lloyd loves country-and-western singer Dolly Parton.
She's always listening to her greatest hits.
' Pass it on.
Hi, Ben.
Cher Lloyd is releasing a single, cos she's very talented.
Something about Cher Lloyd.
Cher Lloyd.
It looks like a glory hole.
(LAUGHTER) What the hell are you doing? I can see your hairy arsehole.
Your bum is so hairy.
That's not the thing! No, no, no! My mother is hairy.
Finished? I haven't done it yet! Oh.
Oh, I've forgotten it now.
Cher Lloyd loves riding Keith's cock.
Such a great performance.
(It's true.
) I don't know.
(LAUGHS) I think she said Cher Lloyd .
.
likes to fuck in the arsehole (LAUGHTER) .
.
and she believes it's a great performance.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Take them off.
Did we get it? Almost.
Gino, what was the gossip? Cher Lloyd likes to fuck in the arsehole I didn't say that.
.
.
and she thinks it's a great performance.
That bit's right.
No, what I actually said was: 'Cher Lloyd loves country-and-western singer Dolly Parton.
She's always listening to her greatest hits.
' So close.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne's team, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can tell you the scary winners are Oh, it is quite scary.
Scarily close.
Ben, what a great time.
It's your first time on the show.
Really enjoyed it.
You threw that mattress over the wall, and nothing was worth it, because it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you in your dreams! # MICHAEL JACKSON: Thriller Hoorah! Happy Halloween!