Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e11 Episode Script
Christmas Special - Piers Morgan, Susanna Reid, Danny Dyer
1 Ho-ho-ho, my name is Keith Lemon, and these are my festive titles.
There's Holly Willoughboozy.
I'd love to empty my sack on those baubles.
There's Fearne Cotton - she's been a naughty boy this year.
There's Gino D'Acampo - he's always asking people if they want stuffing.
Don't worry, we're not dead, it's a cheap way of sprucing up the titles for Christmas.
We're still here to make the best show on telly - Celebrity Juice.
It's going to be an absolute cracker, you fuckers.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! # SLADE: "Merry Xmas Everybody" High five.
High five, high five.
High five, high five, high five, high five.
High five.
High five.
Boom.
High five.
Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Christmas! Wow! Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
I'm a massive fan of panto, so I am dressed as Captain Hook.
I'm surprised they haven't put this as a dildo.
Anyway, let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who'd have thought you would look more sexy as a boy? Who knew? You do look good as Robin Hood.
Thank you.
That was a rhyme! You do look good as Robin Hood.
Oh, no, he doesn't! AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, he does! Oh, no, he doesn't! AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, he does! My balls just got really happy.
Fearne, who's on your team? She's a right Christmas cracker - it's Susanna Reid.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES: "Heigh-Ho" And on my right he or she's behind you.
It's Danny Dyer.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # CHAKA KHAN: "I'm Every Woman" Isn't she lovely? Isn't she beautiful? What's weird - how drunk I am right now, you look fit as well, Danny.
You'd fuck me, wouldn't you? I would, I would, I would.
Let's meet our other team captain - it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # CINDERELLA: "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" Holy shit-balls! The Fairy God-fucker.
No, no, no, no.
You can't think of the godmother like that.
Why? fo Is she right nice, the godmother? She's pure as the driven snow.
Would she stick a wand up my arse as part of love making? No.
Cos normally I don't do owt with my arsehole, it's just for pooing out of, but my mate told me if a girl sticks a finger up your arse, you cum straightaway.
Have you ever done that, Holly? Have you ever just put your finger in and the man has produced his juice straightaway? No.
Danny, have you had that done to you? Had a finger up my arsehole? Yeah.
Yeah, I've had a finger up my arsehole.
What's it like? It was my own finger.
What? Holly, who's on your team? On my left - I hope he's been a good boy year, it's Piers Morgan.
(BOOING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right - It's Christmas! On my right, I've got this mysterious magical lamp.
Give it a rub.
OK.
It's Tom Cruise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE Oh, no, it's a cardboard cut-out.
What a shame! I did phone him, but he said he wouldn't do it.
Give it another rub.
# THEME FROM STRICTLY COME DANCING It's Bruno Tonioli! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So nice! Rub it again.
Rub again.
I think if I rub it again, something might happen.
Rub it ag # PETER ANDRE AND KATIE PRICE: "A Whole New World" Oh, it's Genie D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino Stand up, let's have a look at you.
This kind of suits you.
It's all natural.
You look like the entertainment you get in a bad hotel.
You know what I mean? I'll give you a piece of advice - stay off the bread, man.
Ooh! Don't say that to him! Stay off the bread.
I don't like men with a six-pack.
I think you need one pack, that's the most important one, fucking get on with your life.
She's the fittest woman on morning telly, it's Susanna Reid! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you know, for me, when you started doing morning telly, it was like I was watching American telly, cos a lot of people on those shows are fit, then suddenly we've got you and I was like, "Oh, wow.
It's good, man.
" Do you still feel like that with me dressed Snow White? Oh, even more so! Look at those milk trucks, boy! Check them milk trucks! Holly's envious! It's true.
Look at those! It's true! Luckily, they're covered with tinsel.
They will be covered in tinsel! Susanna, I read in a magazine recently - Oh, it must be true, then.
.
.
that you wanna get Piers sacked.
Oh, yes! I read that in that magazine, as well.
Bella.
"I want him sacked.
" Do you know what's really naughty about that? That was a viewer who said that.
They just put it in quotes over my face.
I can't stand it when magazines and papers misquote people like that.
The irony was, you believed it! When you've been sacked as much as I have, you don't like reading font color=" I've heard you two, together, are a bit naughty.
What do you do? I've got a friend called Shaniqua who works at Good Morning Britain.
She's awesome.
She said the Good Morning Britain Christmas party was insane, like a movie for teenagers.
What are you doing? I don't remember it.
They found these pictures on the photocopy machine.
Here's the first one.
This is definitely Kate Garraway.
That's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We all know who this is, because apparently he's got the biggest cock in daytime TV.
Ben Shephard.
That's Ben Shephard.
This is true.
Is that the rumour? Cheers for this, Shaniqua.
Is that the rumour? You've never heard Ben Shephard's got a big dong? No.
That looks like a hot dog, that picture.
Bigger than John Barrowman's! You've seen his, haven't you? No! You put a fucking hat on it, it looks like a sailor! And this one I've seen this sort of thing in porn, you know, when they pull it open.
Oh, no! When they pull the arse open.
You've seen it, Gino, when they let their hands go, it stays open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, it's upside-down.
It's Piers! (APPLAUSE) He the bad boy of morning telly, it's Piers Morgan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOOING) Why do they boo you? Horrible audience.
It's panto, isn't it? Absolutely repulsive people.
Happy Christmas, you Piers, we've been trying to get you on Juice - Yes, you have.
.
.
for many years.
Are you happy to be here? Not really, no.
Are you ever happy to be anywhere? Not really.
When you walk in and a whole load of people boo you, it's not nice.
AUDIENCE: Aw! It's not very Christmassy! No, I'm very happy to be here.
I love this show.
You just couldn't afford me before tonight.
Eventually we got the cheque and here I am.
You're against each other tonight.
Yeah, as usual, to be fair.
Are you very competitive? Yes.
Yeah? What's it like working with him? I was hoping, Holly, as you made Gino appear, you could make Piers disappear.
Do you prefer working with Ben Shephard? Oh, Piers is - Be careful what you're gonna say.
We've got a picture of you on the sofa on Good Morning Britain.
Here you are with Ben.
There you are with Piers.
Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? That's her happy face.
So, Piers, you started your career as the editor of the News of the World and The Daily Mirror.
You must have met nuff famous people, yeah? I've met a few.
I think we've got some pictures of you meeting famous people.
There you are with Stallone, Arnie and Bruce Willis.
They look fucking thrilled to see me, don't they? We've got another picture of you with one of your friends.
The Dalai Lama.
What's he like in real life, when he comes out of character? The thing about the Dalai Lama is, he's never had sex, obviously, he's never had a drink, never had a cigarette - But did he still call you a (BLEEP)? Let's have another picture of you.
Meeting the Queen! There's Simon Cowell in the background.
Yeah.
What was the Queen like? She wasn't overly chatty with me.
Did she think you were a (BLEEP), as well? Is this the theme of the evening? Piers, apparently, I don't know if this is true, Jeremy Clarkson, you were the first person he ever punched.
Correct.
And he wasn't sacked for that! In fact, he became a national hero.
How does that work? You punch me and everyone loves you, you punch some BBC producer and you get sacked! I didn't get that.
Why did he punch you? I don't wanna relegislate what happened, but there was a misunderstanding involving various - Did he say you were a (BLEEP)? He did say that, in between the second and third punch.
Here at Celebrity Juice, we think it's a big achievement, to be the first person to be punched by Jeremy Clarkson, so Piers, we'd like to award you with this special award here.
Thank you very much! # THEME FROM THIS IS YOUR LIFE (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I never win any awards, so getting this phallic, splendid trophy is magnificent.
Where are you gonna put it? I'm gonna use it.
Piers, just give it a smell.
That's Holly's! Don't fucking mug me off, it's Danny Dyer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Danny, congratulations are in order, cos recently you got married.
Congratulations! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There you are! Look at that! She's here tonight, the missus, somewhere.
Put your hand up, babe.
There she is up there.
Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) What was Danny Dyer like doing this vows? Did you go, "Yeah, I'll fucking marry her, she's a sort"? Did you swear? I went, "See you, you fucking raving little thing, I fucking love you.
" "I love you, cos I fucking live with you.
" You're related to royalty apparently.
Yeah.
Here's the headline - Sunday Express.
No, my 22-times great-grandfather is Edward III.
They'd be so proud of you! I think This is amazing! (APPLAUSE) Does that technically mean you're an heir to the throne? If I iron out about 150 people, yeah, I'll be fucking king.
If Trump can run America, I could be fucking king, surely? Can you do the royal wave? I've just fucking done it.
That's great.
It's that game, innit? It's good.
Then you start going like that.
Then you start going like that.
(APPLAUSE) That'll be my royal wave.
Just in case we can sell this idea to ITV2 to do the Alternative Queen's Speech, how about doing the king's speech in a posh voice down camera five? # THOMAS ARNE: "God Save The Queen" IN POSH VOICE: Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been a wonderful year.
It's been a year of ups, it's been a year of downs.
It's been a year of fucks, it's been a year of (BLEEP).
But I wish you all a very, very merry Christmas.
IN NORMAL VOICE: And a fucking naughty new year.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, it's time to ramp up the festivities now as we play a real Christmassy game.
It's none other than Don't Show Keith Your Christmas Teeth! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Play along at home.
The category is obvious, it's Christmastime, so the category is - (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (SINGS INDISTINCTLY TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS") Turkey.
Turkey.
Christmas cracker.
Christmas cracker.
Reindeer.
No, a reindeer.
Baubles.
(INDISTINCT) I can't do it! Tinsel.
Tinsel! Tinsel! Tinsel! (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) He's saying, "Presents.
" Chestnuts.
Open fire.
Father Christmas.
Mulled wine.
Oh, I love it.
(BUZZ!) Christmas pudding.
Christmas pudding.
You know, you light it.
Elves.
(BUZZ!) What?! Oh, thanks a lot! Stuffing.
A snowball.
Wrapping paper for Christmas.
Wrapping Christmas paper.
Wrapping.
Christmas.
Paper.
Christmas star.
Christmas who? Star.
A ribbon.
A ribbon.
A ribbon.
If you're posh and your dad gets you a car for Christmas, it's got a ribbon on it and you go, "I love, Dad.
Stop hurting me, though, when nobody's looking!" I know that was bad.
I know that was bad.
I'm sorry, baby Jesus.
Happy birthday! (APPLAUSE) Stocking.
The bow that they put on the present.
Ribbon, bow.
(BUZZ!) I'm done.
(BUZZ!) Nativity.
Stuffing.
Oh, shit! (BUZZ!) That means the winner is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, so enjoy all those toys where the parents are gonna go, "Fuck me! How much?! You ain't getting one of them!" See you after the break! Coming up after the break There's another Birdy Wordy.
You've brought your family? Fuck off, you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Merry Christmas! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Piers, we've got to talk about the big thing that happened this year with one of your friends.
Yes.
Tell us about Donald Trump.
He's a good bloke.
I like Donald Trump.
I've known him nearly ten years.
You've known him for ten years? font color="# He's a good guy, he's pretty tough, he's ruthless, he's, as we can see, someone who's very competitive and quite outspoken.
But he's now the most powerful man on God's earth and he's my mate.
He's phoned you today, hasn't he? He has.
For advice? I was asleep and missed the call.
I woke up to a voicemail and it just said, "This is from the office of President-Elect Donald Trump.
Could you call him, he wants to have a word.
" I was like, "I'll get back to him after Celebrity Juice.
" Is America in safe hands? I would just wait and see.
I think he'll surprise people.
Right.
Danny, what do you think? He's got massive ego, but I bet he's got a right small cock.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's my Are you talking about Trump or me? Can we just clarify? That's my political view.
I'm a very political man, as you can see.
I've just fucking clocked myself.
Fucking hell! Now, Danny Dyer, remember the last time you were on and you presented your own kids' show? Good, weren't I? That was my favourite thing ever.
A little Timmy Mallett-esque.
All you had to do was not swear, cos it were kids' telly.
You didn't do very well, did you? I thought I done all right.
You was entertaining, but you said, "Fuck," "Bugger," and, "Shit.
" We're gonna give you another chance to get onto Santa's good list, on his nice list.
So, let's play You muppet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, boys and girls.
Welcome to Magical Fun Times with Uncle Danny.
Can you guess what time year it is? Yeah? It's Christmas, innit? Wa-hey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Birdy Wordy It's Birdy Wordy! What's that, everybody? I think it's Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) (APPLAUSE) (SQUAWKING) Happy Christmas, Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) No, stop that.
(SQUAWKING) Say hello to the boys and girls, Birdy Wordy.
Say hello to the boys and girls.
(SQUAWKING) Come here.
See you! Come here.
Come here! What's that, Birdy Wordy? (SQUAWKING) (SCREAMS) Oh, you've brought your mate with you? There's another Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) You've brought your family? (SQUAWKING) Fuck off, you.
(BUZZ!) You can get fucked.
(PHONE RINGS) Thank fuck for that, the phone's ringing.
It's time to talk to the birds .
.
to the boys and girls are home.
Hello.
Hi, Danny.
Oh, hello, Graham.
Danny, I've got a question for you.
Go on, Graham.
Go for it, mate.
Danny, do you think now you've done EastEnders, you're not considered a proper actor anymore? AUDIENCE: Ooh! No, Graham.
Actually, I Graham, I feel the opposite.
I feel now that I've done EastEnders that I've now You spiteful bastard! You caught me right on the nipple, mate.
Caught me on the nipple there.
No, I actually feel that being in EastEnders has actually proved that I can act, because people thought I was a bit of a laughing stock, not that I am now, everything's going well.
So, no, actually, I'm very proud to be part of that show and I love every second of it, Graham.
OK? Ta-ta.
(PHONE RINGS) I's Bruno from Sheffield.
Hello, Bruno.
Hi, Danny.
Hello, Bruno.
I've heard you have a sweet little song you sing to Birdy Weirdy to calm her Birdy Weirdy or Birdy Wordy? Sorry, Birdy Wordy.
Birdy Wordy.
Can you sing it now? Of course I can! I've been dying to sing it! # Birdy Wordy, you're fucking irritating # I'd love to put the nut on you # But as it's Christmas # And your family are all around me # I think I'll just go for the nice slow nosh # That's it, Birdy Wordy.
Ah! Thanks.
(PHONE RINGS) Line five - Lily from Canterbury.
Hello, Lily.
Hi, Danny.
Hello, darling.
You all right? Yeah, except for I accidentally put a pencil up my bum.
How do I get it out? How big's the pencil? Is it a big pencil or a little one? It's your standard HB.
How far up have you pushed it? I don't know.
Have a quick look.
I can't see it.
Can you see the rubber? If you can see the rubber, cop for the rubber, and then slowly pull it out darling, all right? Thanks, Danny.
Yeah? OK.
See you later, Lily.
That's all we've got time for, boys and girls.
I hope you've had as much fun as me.
And I will see you (SQUAWKING) And I will see you next time (SQUAWKING) I'm sure I'll see you all next week for some more magical Christmas fun times with Uncle Danny.
Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
(APPLAUSE) You muppet! It's now time for the annual Lemon Awards! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is our seventh annual awards.
That's exciting, isn't it, Piers? These are the awards voted by you, the general public.
If you correctly guess who has won the awards, you'll win a point for the team.
First up, Fearne.
Your category is - Most Surprising Celebrity Break-Up.
The nominees are - Professor Green and Millie Mackintosh, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston, Stevi Ritchie and Chloe Jasmine.
But who won the Lemon Award, Fearne's team? Brad and Ange.
You think it's Brad and Ange? Big time.
/fon Final answer? Yeah.
OK, I have the answer here.
(DRUMROLL) Exciting, innit? Can I ask, what's the point of having the envelope closed? You can just read from your It's just for telly, Gino.
It's a bit of fun, it's Christmas.
The answer is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, here is the award.
Unfortunately, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie couldn't be here for legal reasons.
They're going through a lot of trouble and turmoil.
But they have genuinely sent us a V via Skype earlier today and we've recorded it, so here it is.
Hi, Angelina Jolie here in Hollywood.
I'm busy on my new film, Maleficent 2, which will be coming out on 4K, 3-D, HD, all the formats the kids are enjoying right now.
I'd like to say thanks for this award.
It's a shame it's under such sad circumstances, but I'll be honest, it was all his fault.
It's all his fault! All of those things you accused me of, I didn't do! I can't even tell what accent that's supposed to be! But he's a liar! He's a fucking liar and a lazy arsehole! You're a mess and a liar! Thanks for this award, it is mine! He's standing on a box, for fuck's sake! You're a liar, Bradberry! I don't care how fit you are! Bah, you're fit! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt there.
Amicable.
OK, this is another Christmas category.
This is for you, Holly's team, so recognise.
Your category is - Celebrity Beef of the Year.
Celebrity beef? Yes.
The nominees are - Taylor Swift and Kanye West, after he claimed he made her famous, Gino D'Acampo and Fred Sirieix, for fighting on Celebrity Juice, Kim Kardashian and some nasty burglars in Paris, who stole $10m worth of jewellery from her, bastards, and Danny Dyer and Mark Wright, for having a dust-up at V Festival.
But who did the British publish say had the best beef this year? Oh, I don't know.
One sec.
What's happened there? Five of his pals tried to jump me, but they all looked like Status Quo, so I just laughed.
Like a shit Status Quo.
That's gonna help your answer, I guess.
Was there beef between you and Fred Sirieix? Was that for real? Was that real, kind of Did you have a tear-up with him? I didn't know if it was real.
There's a little bit beef between Italian and French, so I wouldn't think people will pick up Holly, to help you decide, he's actually sent you a VT.
Aw, Fred.
Have a look at this.
Merry Christmas, Gino.
And please make sure you look after your tiny little pecorino during the festive period.
(APPLAUSE) This is what I mean.
I mean, what do you say? Give him a Christmas message.
A Christmas message? Peace on earth, goodwill to all men, even Frenchmen.
I've got nothing against .
.
French people, but I've got something about you, little motherfucking piece of shit, French (BLEEP), bearded, fucking Fuck you! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Go on, Gino! And merry Christmas! Oh, God! Holly, who are you going for? The Kim Kardashian thing wasn't really beef, that was a really horrible crime.
Yeah.
Taylor and Kanye, cos he recorded he voice and it all got a bit messy.
It's an ongoing beef with them two.
Everyone knows about that.
I'd say that one.
Taylor and Kanye? Yeah.
Let's find out.
Here it is - Beef of the Year.
(DRUMROLL) Dermot O'Leary knows who's been booted straightaway, but he'll go, "I'll find out.
" It's in his ear straightaway.
The Beef of the Year was .
.
Danny Dyer and Mark Wright! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Unfortunately, Danny Dyer can't be here tonight, but he has sent us a video message.
Have a look at this.
What do you want me to say? What do you fucking want me to say? Thanks for this fucking award.
Thanks to my missus! She is a fucking sort! (INDISTINCT) Thanks to Mark Wright.
I've gotta say about Mark Wright, he is a sexy fucking bastard, if I liked fucking geezers.
Weasel tits! Fucking ginger muppet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's brilliant.
Thanks, Danny Dyer, for sending us that message.
Oh, you're here.
Thanks for recording that earlier for us.
He's always a good sport.
And the scores at the end of that round are Jingling! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're gonna go to an ad break now, we'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi there! This is more special than the Christmas Racoons special! I'm outside Elstree.
I think it might snow, but who cares? We're here to play The Box Game Christmas Edition, still sponsored by Boxes.
Let's talk to some of our contestants.
They're in special Christmas Edition boxes.
Danny, this has gotta be the highlight of your career, yeah? I've farted in the box.
I can't get away from it.
We've got Susanna at the back here.
How are you feeling behind Piers? I never realised how claustrophobic I was! She's having the time of her life! Piers.
Yes.
Are you feeling like a winner? I'm feeling absolutely bloody ridiculous.
Yeah, feeling like a winner! Get out of here! What? I just wanted to see you with my own eyes.
I was a serious news anchorman! You're definitely an anchorman.
Let me tell you what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go down the slope into the Christmas presents.
You will zigzag through the forest, via the snowmen - they won't come alive, it's not that film where he flies through the air with Aled Jones.
You will also meet Karl the elf at the bottom.
# CARL ORFF: "O Fortuna" Beware of him - he's very angry, he's been drinking, he's got his candy cane and he may swipe you with it.
Go into the studio, then up the ramp.
The first full team past the finishing line will win the game.
Get on with it, Lemon! Are you ready? ALL: Yeah.
Are you steady? ALL: Yeah.
Go! (KLAXON BLARES) And they're off! It's a good start.
Look at this! All the guys are going forward.
Through the Christmas presents.
Through the Christmas presents.
Danny Dyer's out of his box.
He's out of his box.
Through the Christmas wall.
All of them have gone round.
I hope that counts.
Susanna's going the wrong way - I'm gonna help her.
Gino and Danny are neck-and-neck.
They're neck-and-neck.
Gino's bumped into a snowman.
Go around the snowman.
Fearne can't get round the snowman.
Holly's having trouble, too.
Holly, normally competitive.
Danny Dyer, stop coming out of your box! Gino is going into the wall.
Who's in front? Piers is in the lead.
Piers is in the lead! He's being attacked by Karl the elf.
Oh, look at Karl! He's very vexed! He's vexed to the max! Maybe he hasn't got his promotion this year from Santa.
Danny, keep in your box, keep in your box, keep in your box.
The girls are closely behind.
I say close, I mean miles away.
Piers, Piers, Piers! Let me just guide you a little bit.
You're going the wrong way.
Danny Dyer is in the lead.
Oh, it looks like Cotton is picking up.
Cotton is approaching the studio, closely followed by Susanna Reid.
Holly, this way.
This way! This way.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
What's going on in the studio? No-one's in the lead at the moment.
Get back in, get back in! Cotton is the first person past.
Fearne, you're through.
Followed by Piers Morgan.
Piers, this way.
This way, this way, this way.
You're through.
Oh! Could it be Susanna Reid next, or is it gonna be Danny Dyer? Is it gonna be Susanna or Danny Dyer? It's Danny Dyer.
You've got it.
No, no, no.
There she is! There she is! There she goes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done to everyone who completed the race.
Gino's still out there, I think.
Holly! The winning team was none other than Fearne Cotton's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
Yes.
It's Christmastime, mistletoe and wine - how are you feeling? Really good.
What are your hopes for the future? Christmas joy to be spread around the world.
And for Gino to never come back.
I'm just filling time whilst Gino D'Acampo comes back.
I'll speak to Piers Morgan.
Did you enjoy that? Hello?! Where the fuck is Gino? He is not even into the studio.
He's in a different postcode.
Get in here! (APPLAUSE) Come on, Gino! Holly! Follow me, follow me, follow me.
I'm sweating! Keep going.
You're not far.
Keep going.
It's very hot in this onesie.
Are you all right? Are we there? No Well, nearly.
When you come in, everybody's gonna give you a really big cheer.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Get off! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get out the way! Hold the elf! Gino, get up, run! Run! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, what happened? Or should I say Antonio Banderas? You kept talking about Swansea out there.
What's Swansea got This onesie's hot! Oh, the onesie? I thought you said, "Swansea.
" You went the wrong way, but it's Christmas, so it's doesn't matter.
The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Are you ready? Three, two, one, fire.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
Before the break, we played The Box Game Christmas Edition, still sponsored by Boxes.
It was good, wasn't it? Yeah.
Gino, do you remember, last series, when we got you to answer to very important science questions as asked by Stephen Hawking, such as, "Can you eat your dinner if it's fired at you at the speed of light?" I hated that game.
You loved it.
I hated it! You love it, and because it's Christmas, let's have a visual recap of that.
Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) I'm not doing that! (LAUGHS) I'm not doing that.
Is that what it is? Well, Antonio Banderas, because it's Christmas, because we're friends, I'm gonna give you a chance to eat your Christmas dinner that way.
This time, you won't be doing it by yourself, you'll be doing it with Piers Morgan, as we play 'Twas Christmas in the household of the brothers Gino D'Acampo and Piers Morgan and the boys were very excited to eat their Christmas dinner.
Although, this year, it was gonna be different.
They weren't gonna be eating their dinner off plates at the table, they were gonna be catching their dinner at the speed of light, fired by Susanna Reid and Fearne Cotton.
It's exciting, isn't it? Fuck off.
This is supposed to be our household? Your arsehole? Household! "My arsehole!" Household! Household? Yes! Yes, this is your house.
You're brothers.
Are you ready for this? Put your visor down.
Put your visor down.
Put that visor down.
You will start with the turkey and stuffing.
Happily.
So, are you ready? You're got turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce coming out.
All you have to do is catch a little bit for a point.
It comes from the gun and not from her nostrils? Great idea to piss me off before I fire food at you, you Italian dick.
Are you ready? Yes.
Three, two, one, fire.
# ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" What the fuck?! Oh, you got a bit, though, didn't you? I bruised myself.
Has it hurt your boob? It's hurt my boob.
Ooh! Yeah! Do you want me to rub it better? No! I think I came off worse out of that than you did! Next up, we're gonna go with a bit of gravy.
Gravy can't hurt! Who doesn't love gravy? You need gravy with your turkey, don't you? A little higher.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Yeah.
Three, two, one, go.
Oh, yes, they're both doing well.
Oh, look at that! This is the most fun I've ever had with Piers Morgan! # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Let's go for the next one.
We're going for the veg - carrots, peas, the roast potatoes.
You can't have a Christmas dinner without roast potatoes.
Here's the veg.
Yes, that's it, tuck your veg up.
Are you ready? Three, two, one, go.
Did you get anything? # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Anything? I never got anything.
You didn't get anything? No Nothing.
Aw! A lot of people don't like them, but I do - let's go with sprouts.
Let's go sprouts.
Sprouts.
Get the sprouts.
Seriously.
Three, two, one, go.
# ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" I got it! You got one? He's got one! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Eggnog's nice at Christmas time.
Let's have a refreshment break.
What the fuck is an egg-nob? Oh-ho-ho-ho! Christmas ain't Christmas without eggnog.
Three, two, one, go.
That's it, drink it up, little Italian.
I got it! Merry Christmas! # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" After your Christmas dinner, it's nice to have a mince pie, isn't it? Because you hurt your boob, shall we get Danny to fire it? Yeah! Danny, do you wanna have a go? I'd love to.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Careful.
It's got a real kick.
Holly, would you like to have a go? I was only fucking about Holly's gonna have a go.
Hold up.
Go on, Dolly.
Aim for the bowl.
Help them, it's Christmastime.
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself catching them.
Remember, Christmas is not just about giving, it's also about receiving.
So, Holly and Danny, let them receive.
Go! (APPLAUSE) # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Did you get one? I got it.
Right, let's see who got the most.
Let's travel over.
So, you've got in there It's a mixture of the gravy and the eggnog.
And the mince pies.
And the mince pies.
You've done really well.
What have you got? Sprouts.
Vegs - some peas there.
Peas.
I got the Eggnog and gravy.
The turkey.
Have a bit of turkey.
So, they're telling me that you both have received one point for your team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One point?! Have you got anything to say to Susanna? Revenge is a dish tasted cold.
Yeah, as you just found out! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Well done to Gino and Piers! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) They loved it! They loved it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of our Christmas special.
I can tell you that the winning team was Piers, I've gotta be serious with you, you look like a granddad that's wet himself.
You've enjoyed it, though, haven't you? I've had a great time.
I can't wait to come back.
It doesn't matter if you win, does it? Of course it matters! Piers, I am really pleased you're having a good time, because I can tell you your team hasn't won, it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon! If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you in 2017! Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
# MARIAH CAREY: "All I Want for Christmas is You" Goodbye, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
There's Holly Willoughboozy.
I'd love to empty my sack on those baubles.
There's Fearne Cotton - she's been a naughty boy this year.
There's Gino D'Acampo - he's always asking people if they want stuffing.
Don't worry, we're not dead, it's a cheap way of sprucing up the titles for Christmas.
We're still here to make the best show on telly - Celebrity Juice.
It's going to be an absolute cracker, you fuckers.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! # SLADE: "Merry Xmas Everybody" High five.
High five, high five.
High five, high five, high five, high five.
High five.
High five.
Boom.
High five.
Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Christmas! Wow! Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
I'm a massive fan of panto, so I am dressed as Captain Hook.
I'm surprised they haven't put this as a dildo.
Anyway, let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who'd have thought you would look more sexy as a boy? Who knew? You do look good as Robin Hood.
Thank you.
That was a rhyme! You do look good as Robin Hood.
Oh, no, he doesn't! AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, he does! Oh, no, he doesn't! AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, he does! My balls just got really happy.
Fearne, who's on your team? She's a right Christmas cracker - it's Susanna Reid.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES: "Heigh-Ho" And on my right he or she's behind you.
It's Danny Dyer.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # CHAKA KHAN: "I'm Every Woman" Isn't she lovely? Isn't she beautiful? What's weird - how drunk I am right now, you look fit as well, Danny.
You'd fuck me, wouldn't you? I would, I would, I would.
Let's meet our other team captain - it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # CINDERELLA: "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" Holy shit-balls! The Fairy God-fucker.
No, no, no, no.
You can't think of the godmother like that.
Why? fo Is she right nice, the godmother? She's pure as the driven snow.
Would she stick a wand up my arse as part of love making? No.
Cos normally I don't do owt with my arsehole, it's just for pooing out of, but my mate told me if a girl sticks a finger up your arse, you cum straightaway.
Have you ever done that, Holly? Have you ever just put your finger in and the man has produced his juice straightaway? No.
Danny, have you had that done to you? Had a finger up my arsehole? Yeah.
Yeah, I've had a finger up my arsehole.
What's it like? It was my own finger.
What? Holly, who's on your team? On my left - I hope he's been a good boy year, it's Piers Morgan.
(BOOING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right - It's Christmas! On my right, I've got this mysterious magical lamp.
Give it a rub.
OK.
It's Tom Cruise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE Oh, no, it's a cardboard cut-out.
What a shame! I did phone him, but he said he wouldn't do it.
Give it another rub.
# THEME FROM STRICTLY COME DANCING It's Bruno Tonioli! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So nice! Rub it again.
Rub again.
I think if I rub it again, something might happen.
Rub it ag # PETER ANDRE AND KATIE PRICE: "A Whole New World" Oh, it's Genie D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino Stand up, let's have a look at you.
This kind of suits you.
It's all natural.
You look like the entertainment you get in a bad hotel.
You know what I mean? I'll give you a piece of advice - stay off the bread, man.
Ooh! Don't say that to him! Stay off the bread.
I don't like men with a six-pack.
I think you need one pack, that's the most important one, fucking get on with your life.
She's the fittest woman on morning telly, it's Susanna Reid! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you know, for me, when you started doing morning telly, it was like I was watching American telly, cos a lot of people on those shows are fit, then suddenly we've got you and I was like, "Oh, wow.
It's good, man.
" Do you still feel like that with me dressed Snow White? Oh, even more so! Look at those milk trucks, boy! Check them milk trucks! Holly's envious! It's true.
Look at those! It's true! Luckily, they're covered with tinsel.
They will be covered in tinsel! Susanna, I read in a magazine recently - Oh, it must be true, then.
.
.
that you wanna get Piers sacked.
Oh, yes! I read that in that magazine, as well.
Bella.
"I want him sacked.
" Do you know what's really naughty about that? That was a viewer who said that.
They just put it in quotes over my face.
I can't stand it when magazines and papers misquote people like that.
The irony was, you believed it! When you've been sacked as much as I have, you don't like reading font color=" I've heard you two, together, are a bit naughty.
What do you do? I've got a friend called Shaniqua who works at Good Morning Britain.
She's awesome.
She said the Good Morning Britain Christmas party was insane, like a movie for teenagers.
What are you doing? I don't remember it.
They found these pictures on the photocopy machine.
Here's the first one.
This is definitely Kate Garraway.
That's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We all know who this is, because apparently he's got the biggest cock in daytime TV.
Ben Shephard.
That's Ben Shephard.
This is true.
Is that the rumour? Cheers for this, Shaniqua.
Is that the rumour? You've never heard Ben Shephard's got a big dong? No.
That looks like a hot dog, that picture.
Bigger than John Barrowman's! You've seen his, haven't you? No! You put a fucking hat on it, it looks like a sailor! And this one I've seen this sort of thing in porn, you know, when they pull it open.
Oh, no! When they pull the arse open.
You've seen it, Gino, when they let their hands go, it stays open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, it's upside-down.
It's Piers! (APPLAUSE) He the bad boy of morning telly, it's Piers Morgan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOOING) Why do they boo you? Horrible audience.
It's panto, isn't it? Absolutely repulsive people.
Happy Christmas, you Piers, we've been trying to get you on Juice - Yes, you have.
.
.
for many years.
Are you happy to be here? Not really, no.
Are you ever happy to be anywhere? Not really.
When you walk in and a whole load of people boo you, it's not nice.
AUDIENCE: Aw! It's not very Christmassy! No, I'm very happy to be here.
I love this show.
You just couldn't afford me before tonight.
Eventually we got the cheque and here I am.
You're against each other tonight.
Yeah, as usual, to be fair.
Are you very competitive? Yes.
Yeah? What's it like working with him? I was hoping, Holly, as you made Gino appear, you could make Piers disappear.
Do you prefer working with Ben Shephard? Oh, Piers is - Be careful what you're gonna say.
We've got a picture of you on the sofa on Good Morning Britain.
Here you are with Ben.
There you are with Piers.
Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? That's her happy face.
So, Piers, you started your career as the editor of the News of the World and The Daily Mirror.
You must have met nuff famous people, yeah? I've met a few.
I think we've got some pictures of you meeting famous people.
There you are with Stallone, Arnie and Bruce Willis.
They look fucking thrilled to see me, don't they? We've got another picture of you with one of your friends.
The Dalai Lama.
What's he like in real life, when he comes out of character? The thing about the Dalai Lama is, he's never had sex, obviously, he's never had a drink, never had a cigarette - But did he still call you a (BLEEP)? Let's have another picture of you.
Meeting the Queen! There's Simon Cowell in the background.
Yeah.
What was the Queen like? She wasn't overly chatty with me.
Did she think you were a (BLEEP), as well? Is this the theme of the evening? Piers, apparently, I don't know if this is true, Jeremy Clarkson, you were the first person he ever punched.
Correct.
And he wasn't sacked for that! In fact, he became a national hero.
How does that work? You punch me and everyone loves you, you punch some BBC producer and you get sacked! I didn't get that.
Why did he punch you? I don't wanna relegislate what happened, but there was a misunderstanding involving various - Did he say you were a (BLEEP)? He did say that, in between the second and third punch.
Here at Celebrity Juice, we think it's a big achievement, to be the first person to be punched by Jeremy Clarkson, so Piers, we'd like to award you with this special award here.
Thank you very much! # THEME FROM THIS IS YOUR LIFE (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I never win any awards, so getting this phallic, splendid trophy is magnificent.
Where are you gonna put it? I'm gonna use it.
Piers, just give it a smell.
That's Holly's! Don't fucking mug me off, it's Danny Dyer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Danny, congratulations are in order, cos recently you got married.
Congratulations! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There you are! Look at that! She's here tonight, the missus, somewhere.
Put your hand up, babe.
There she is up there.
Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) What was Danny Dyer like doing this vows? Did you go, "Yeah, I'll fucking marry her, she's a sort"? Did you swear? I went, "See you, you fucking raving little thing, I fucking love you.
" "I love you, cos I fucking live with you.
" You're related to royalty apparently.
Yeah.
Here's the headline - Sunday Express.
No, my 22-times great-grandfather is Edward III.
They'd be so proud of you! I think This is amazing! (APPLAUSE) Does that technically mean you're an heir to the throne? If I iron out about 150 people, yeah, I'll be fucking king.
If Trump can run America, I could be fucking king, surely? Can you do the royal wave? I've just fucking done it.
That's great.
It's that game, innit? It's good.
Then you start going like that.
Then you start going like that.
(APPLAUSE) That'll be my royal wave.
Just in case we can sell this idea to ITV2 to do the Alternative Queen's Speech, how about doing the king's speech in a posh voice down camera five? # THOMAS ARNE: "God Save The Queen" IN POSH VOICE: Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been a wonderful year.
It's been a year of ups, it's been a year of downs.
It's been a year of fucks, it's been a year of (BLEEP).
But I wish you all a very, very merry Christmas.
IN NORMAL VOICE: And a fucking naughty new year.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, it's time to ramp up the festivities now as we play a real Christmassy game.
It's none other than Don't Show Keith Your Christmas Teeth! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Play along at home.
The category is obvious, it's Christmastime, so the category is - (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (SINGS INDISTINCTLY TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS") Turkey.
Turkey.
Christmas cracker.
Christmas cracker.
Reindeer.
No, a reindeer.
Baubles.
(INDISTINCT) I can't do it! Tinsel.
Tinsel! Tinsel! Tinsel! (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) He's saying, "Presents.
" Chestnuts.
Open fire.
Father Christmas.
Mulled wine.
Oh, I love it.
(BUZZ!) Christmas pudding.
Christmas pudding.
You know, you light it.
Elves.
(BUZZ!) What?! Oh, thanks a lot! Stuffing.
A snowball.
Wrapping paper for Christmas.
Wrapping Christmas paper.
Wrapping.
Christmas.
Paper.
Christmas star.
Christmas who? Star.
A ribbon.
A ribbon.
A ribbon.
If you're posh and your dad gets you a car for Christmas, it's got a ribbon on it and you go, "I love, Dad.
Stop hurting me, though, when nobody's looking!" I know that was bad.
I know that was bad.
I'm sorry, baby Jesus.
Happy birthday! (APPLAUSE) Stocking.
The bow that they put on the present.
Ribbon, bow.
(BUZZ!) I'm done.
(BUZZ!) Nativity.
Stuffing.
Oh, shit! (BUZZ!) That means the winner is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, so enjoy all those toys where the parents are gonna go, "Fuck me! How much?! You ain't getting one of them!" See you after the break! Coming up after the break There's another Birdy Wordy.
You've brought your family? Fuck off, you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Merry Christmas! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Piers, we've got to talk about the big thing that happened this year with one of your friends.
Yes.
Tell us about Donald Trump.
He's a good bloke.
I like Donald Trump.
I've known him nearly ten years.
You've known him for ten years? font color="# He's a good guy, he's pretty tough, he's ruthless, he's, as we can see, someone who's very competitive and quite outspoken.
But he's now the most powerful man on God's earth and he's my mate.
He's phoned you today, hasn't he? He has.
For advice? I was asleep and missed the call.
I woke up to a voicemail and it just said, "This is from the office of President-Elect Donald Trump.
Could you call him, he wants to have a word.
" I was like, "I'll get back to him after Celebrity Juice.
" Is America in safe hands? I would just wait and see.
I think he'll surprise people.
Right.
Danny, what do you think? He's got massive ego, but I bet he's got a right small cock.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's my Are you talking about Trump or me? Can we just clarify? That's my political view.
I'm a very political man, as you can see.
I've just fucking clocked myself.
Fucking hell! Now, Danny Dyer, remember the last time you were on and you presented your own kids' show? Good, weren't I? That was my favourite thing ever.
A little Timmy Mallett-esque.
All you had to do was not swear, cos it were kids' telly.
You didn't do very well, did you? I thought I done all right.
You was entertaining, but you said, "Fuck," "Bugger," and, "Shit.
" We're gonna give you another chance to get onto Santa's good list, on his nice list.
So, let's play You muppet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, boys and girls.
Welcome to Magical Fun Times with Uncle Danny.
Can you guess what time year it is? Yeah? It's Christmas, innit? Wa-hey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Birdy Wordy It's Birdy Wordy! What's that, everybody? I think it's Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) (APPLAUSE) (SQUAWKING) Happy Christmas, Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) No, stop that.
(SQUAWKING) Say hello to the boys and girls, Birdy Wordy.
Say hello to the boys and girls.
(SQUAWKING) Come here.
See you! Come here.
Come here! What's that, Birdy Wordy? (SQUAWKING) (SCREAMS) Oh, you've brought your mate with you? There's another Birdy Wordy.
(SQUAWKING) You've brought your family? (SQUAWKING) Fuck off, you.
(BUZZ!) You can get fucked.
(PHONE RINGS) Thank fuck for that, the phone's ringing.
It's time to talk to the birds .
.
to the boys and girls are home.
Hello.
Hi, Danny.
Oh, hello, Graham.
Danny, I've got a question for you.
Go on, Graham.
Go for it, mate.
Danny, do you think now you've done EastEnders, you're not considered a proper actor anymore? AUDIENCE: Ooh! No, Graham.
Actually, I Graham, I feel the opposite.
I feel now that I've done EastEnders that I've now You spiteful bastard! You caught me right on the nipple, mate.
Caught me on the nipple there.
No, I actually feel that being in EastEnders has actually proved that I can act, because people thought I was a bit of a laughing stock, not that I am now, everything's going well.
So, no, actually, I'm very proud to be part of that show and I love every second of it, Graham.
OK? Ta-ta.
(PHONE RINGS) I's Bruno from Sheffield.
Hello, Bruno.
Hi, Danny.
Hello, Bruno.
I've heard you have a sweet little song you sing to Birdy Weirdy to calm her Birdy Weirdy or Birdy Wordy? Sorry, Birdy Wordy.
Birdy Wordy.
Can you sing it now? Of course I can! I've been dying to sing it! # Birdy Wordy, you're fucking irritating # I'd love to put the nut on you # But as it's Christmas # And your family are all around me # I think I'll just go for the nice slow nosh # That's it, Birdy Wordy.
Ah! Thanks.
(PHONE RINGS) Line five - Lily from Canterbury.
Hello, Lily.
Hi, Danny.
Hello, darling.
You all right? Yeah, except for I accidentally put a pencil up my bum.
How do I get it out? How big's the pencil? Is it a big pencil or a little one? It's your standard HB.
How far up have you pushed it? I don't know.
Have a quick look.
I can't see it.
Can you see the rubber? If you can see the rubber, cop for the rubber, and then slowly pull it out darling, all right? Thanks, Danny.
Yeah? OK.
See you later, Lily.
That's all we've got time for, boys and girls.
I hope you've had as much fun as me.
And I will see you (SQUAWKING) And I will see you next time (SQUAWKING) I'm sure I'll see you all next week for some more magical Christmas fun times with Uncle Danny.
Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
(APPLAUSE) You muppet! It's now time for the annual Lemon Awards! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is our seventh annual awards.
That's exciting, isn't it, Piers? These are the awards voted by you, the general public.
If you correctly guess who has won the awards, you'll win a point for the team.
First up, Fearne.
Your category is - Most Surprising Celebrity Break-Up.
The nominees are - Professor Green and Millie Mackintosh, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston, Stevi Ritchie and Chloe Jasmine.
But who won the Lemon Award, Fearne's team? Brad and Ange.
You think it's Brad and Ange? Big time.
/fon Final answer? Yeah.
OK, I have the answer here.
(DRUMROLL) Exciting, innit? Can I ask, what's the point of having the envelope closed? You can just read from your It's just for telly, Gino.
It's a bit of fun, it's Christmas.
The answer is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, here is the award.
Unfortunately, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie couldn't be here for legal reasons.
They're going through a lot of trouble and turmoil.
But they have genuinely sent us a V via Skype earlier today and we've recorded it, so here it is.
Hi, Angelina Jolie here in Hollywood.
I'm busy on my new film, Maleficent 2, which will be coming out on 4K, 3-D, HD, all the formats the kids are enjoying right now.
I'd like to say thanks for this award.
It's a shame it's under such sad circumstances, but I'll be honest, it was all his fault.
It's all his fault! All of those things you accused me of, I didn't do! I can't even tell what accent that's supposed to be! But he's a liar! He's a fucking liar and a lazy arsehole! You're a mess and a liar! Thanks for this award, it is mine! He's standing on a box, for fuck's sake! You're a liar, Bradberry! I don't care how fit you are! Bah, you're fit! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt there.
Amicable.
OK, this is another Christmas category.
This is for you, Holly's team, so recognise.
Your category is - Celebrity Beef of the Year.
Celebrity beef? Yes.
The nominees are - Taylor Swift and Kanye West, after he claimed he made her famous, Gino D'Acampo and Fred Sirieix, for fighting on Celebrity Juice, Kim Kardashian and some nasty burglars in Paris, who stole $10m worth of jewellery from her, bastards, and Danny Dyer and Mark Wright, for having a dust-up at V Festival.
But who did the British publish say had the best beef this year? Oh, I don't know.
One sec.
What's happened there? Five of his pals tried to jump me, but they all looked like Status Quo, so I just laughed.
Like a shit Status Quo.
That's gonna help your answer, I guess.
Was there beef between you and Fred Sirieix? Was that for real? Was that real, kind of Did you have a tear-up with him? I didn't know if it was real.
There's a little bit beef between Italian and French, so I wouldn't think people will pick up Holly, to help you decide, he's actually sent you a VT.
Aw, Fred.
Have a look at this.
Merry Christmas, Gino.
And please make sure you look after your tiny little pecorino during the festive period.
(APPLAUSE) This is what I mean.
I mean, what do you say? Give him a Christmas message.
A Christmas message? Peace on earth, goodwill to all men, even Frenchmen.
I've got nothing against .
.
French people, but I've got something about you, little motherfucking piece of shit, French (BLEEP), bearded, fucking Fuck you! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Go on, Gino! And merry Christmas! Oh, God! Holly, who are you going for? The Kim Kardashian thing wasn't really beef, that was a really horrible crime.
Yeah.
Taylor and Kanye, cos he recorded he voice and it all got a bit messy.
It's an ongoing beef with them two.
Everyone knows about that.
I'd say that one.
Taylor and Kanye? Yeah.
Let's find out.
Here it is - Beef of the Year.
(DRUMROLL) Dermot O'Leary knows who's been booted straightaway, but he'll go, "I'll find out.
" It's in his ear straightaway.
The Beef of the Year was .
.
Danny Dyer and Mark Wright! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Unfortunately, Danny Dyer can't be here tonight, but he has sent us a video message.
Have a look at this.
What do you want me to say? What do you fucking want me to say? Thanks for this fucking award.
Thanks to my missus! She is a fucking sort! (INDISTINCT) Thanks to Mark Wright.
I've gotta say about Mark Wright, he is a sexy fucking bastard, if I liked fucking geezers.
Weasel tits! Fucking ginger muppet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's brilliant.
Thanks, Danny Dyer, for sending us that message.
Oh, you're here.
Thanks for recording that earlier for us.
He's always a good sport.
And the scores at the end of that round are Jingling! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're gonna go to an ad break now, we'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi there! This is more special than the Christmas Racoons special! I'm outside Elstree.
I think it might snow, but who cares? We're here to play The Box Game Christmas Edition, still sponsored by Boxes.
Let's talk to some of our contestants.
They're in special Christmas Edition boxes.
Danny, this has gotta be the highlight of your career, yeah? I've farted in the box.
I can't get away from it.
We've got Susanna at the back here.
How are you feeling behind Piers? I never realised how claustrophobic I was! She's having the time of her life! Piers.
Yes.
Are you feeling like a winner? I'm feeling absolutely bloody ridiculous.
Yeah, feeling like a winner! Get out of here! What? I just wanted to see you with my own eyes.
I was a serious news anchorman! You're definitely an anchorman.
Let me tell you what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go down the slope into the Christmas presents.
You will zigzag through the forest, via the snowmen - they won't come alive, it's not that film where he flies through the air with Aled Jones.
You will also meet Karl the elf at the bottom.
# CARL ORFF: "O Fortuna" Beware of him - he's very angry, he's been drinking, he's got his candy cane and he may swipe you with it.
Go into the studio, then up the ramp.
The first full team past the finishing line will win the game.
Get on with it, Lemon! Are you ready? ALL: Yeah.
Are you steady? ALL: Yeah.
Go! (KLAXON BLARES) And they're off! It's a good start.
Look at this! All the guys are going forward.
Through the Christmas presents.
Through the Christmas presents.
Danny Dyer's out of his box.
He's out of his box.
Through the Christmas wall.
All of them have gone round.
I hope that counts.
Susanna's going the wrong way - I'm gonna help her.
Gino and Danny are neck-and-neck.
They're neck-and-neck.
Gino's bumped into a snowman.
Go around the snowman.
Fearne can't get round the snowman.
Holly's having trouble, too.
Holly, normally competitive.
Danny Dyer, stop coming out of your box! Gino is going into the wall.
Who's in front? Piers is in the lead.
Piers is in the lead! He's being attacked by Karl the elf.
Oh, look at Karl! He's very vexed! He's vexed to the max! Maybe he hasn't got his promotion this year from Santa.
Danny, keep in your box, keep in your box, keep in your box.
The girls are closely behind.
I say close, I mean miles away.
Piers, Piers, Piers! Let me just guide you a little bit.
You're going the wrong way.
Danny Dyer is in the lead.
Oh, it looks like Cotton is picking up.
Cotton is approaching the studio, closely followed by Susanna Reid.
Holly, this way.
This way! This way.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
What's going on in the studio? No-one's in the lead at the moment.
Get back in, get back in! Cotton is the first person past.
Fearne, you're through.
Followed by Piers Morgan.
Piers, this way.
This way, this way, this way.
You're through.
Oh! Could it be Susanna Reid next, or is it gonna be Danny Dyer? Is it gonna be Susanna or Danny Dyer? It's Danny Dyer.
You've got it.
No, no, no.
There she is! There she is! There she goes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done to everyone who completed the race.
Gino's still out there, I think.
Holly! The winning team was none other than Fearne Cotton's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
Yes.
It's Christmastime, mistletoe and wine - how are you feeling? Really good.
What are your hopes for the future? Christmas joy to be spread around the world.
And for Gino to never come back.
I'm just filling time whilst Gino D'Acampo comes back.
I'll speak to Piers Morgan.
Did you enjoy that? Hello?! Where the fuck is Gino? He is not even into the studio.
He's in a different postcode.
Get in here! (APPLAUSE) Come on, Gino! Holly! Follow me, follow me, follow me.
I'm sweating! Keep going.
You're not far.
Keep going.
It's very hot in this onesie.
Are you all right? Are we there? No Well, nearly.
When you come in, everybody's gonna give you a really big cheer.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Get off! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get out the way! Hold the elf! Gino, get up, run! Run! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, what happened? Or should I say Antonio Banderas? You kept talking about Swansea out there.
What's Swansea got This onesie's hot! Oh, the onesie? I thought you said, "Swansea.
" You went the wrong way, but it's Christmas, so it's doesn't matter.
The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Are you ready? Three, two, one, fire.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
Before the break, we played The Box Game Christmas Edition, still sponsored by Boxes.
It was good, wasn't it? Yeah.
Gino, do you remember, last series, when we got you to answer to very important science questions as asked by Stephen Hawking, such as, "Can you eat your dinner if it's fired at you at the speed of light?" I hated that game.
You loved it.
I hated it! You love it, and because it's Christmas, let's have a visual recap of that.
Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) I'm not doing that! (LAUGHS) I'm not doing that.
Is that what it is? Well, Antonio Banderas, because it's Christmas, because we're friends, I'm gonna give you a chance to eat your Christmas dinner that way.
This time, you won't be doing it by yourself, you'll be doing it with Piers Morgan, as we play 'Twas Christmas in the household of the brothers Gino D'Acampo and Piers Morgan and the boys were very excited to eat their Christmas dinner.
Although, this year, it was gonna be different.
They weren't gonna be eating their dinner off plates at the table, they were gonna be catching their dinner at the speed of light, fired by Susanna Reid and Fearne Cotton.
It's exciting, isn't it? Fuck off.
This is supposed to be our household? Your arsehole? Household! "My arsehole!" Household! Household? Yes! Yes, this is your house.
You're brothers.
Are you ready for this? Put your visor down.
Put your visor down.
Put that visor down.
You will start with the turkey and stuffing.
Happily.
So, are you ready? You're got turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce coming out.
All you have to do is catch a little bit for a point.
It comes from the gun and not from her nostrils? Great idea to piss me off before I fire food at you, you Italian dick.
Are you ready? Yes.
Three, two, one, fire.
# ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" What the fuck?! Oh, you got a bit, though, didn't you? I bruised myself.
Has it hurt your boob? It's hurt my boob.
Ooh! Yeah! Do you want me to rub it better? No! I think I came off worse out of that than you did! Next up, we're gonna go with a bit of gravy.
Gravy can't hurt! Who doesn't love gravy? You need gravy with your turkey, don't you? A little higher.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Yeah.
Three, two, one, go.
Oh, yes, they're both doing well.
Oh, look at that! This is the most fun I've ever had with Piers Morgan! # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Let's go for the next one.
We're going for the veg - carrots, peas, the roast potatoes.
You can't have a Christmas dinner without roast potatoes.
Here's the veg.
Yes, that's it, tuck your veg up.
Are you ready? Three, two, one, go.
Did you get anything? # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Anything? I never got anything.
You didn't get anything? No Nothing.
Aw! A lot of people don't like them, but I do - let's go with sprouts.
Let's go sprouts.
Sprouts.
Get the sprouts.
Seriously.
Three, two, one, go.
# ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" I got it! You got one? He's got one! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Eggnog's nice at Christmas time.
Let's have a refreshment break.
What the fuck is an egg-nob? Oh-ho-ho-ho! Christmas ain't Christmas without eggnog.
Three, two, one, go.
That's it, drink it up, little Italian.
I got it! Merry Christmas! # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" After your Christmas dinner, it's nice to have a mince pie, isn't it? Because you hurt your boob, shall we get Danny to fire it? Yeah! Danny, do you wanna have a go? I'd love to.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Careful.
It's got a real kick.
Holly, would you like to have a go? I was only fucking about Holly's gonna have a go.
Hold up.
Go on, Dolly.
Aim for the bowl.
Help them, it's Christmastime.
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself catching them.
Remember, Christmas is not just about giving, it's also about receiving.
So, Holly and Danny, let them receive.
Go! (APPLAUSE) # ALED JONES: "Walking in the Air" Did you get one? I got it.
Right, let's see who got the most.
Let's travel over.
So, you've got in there It's a mixture of the gravy and the eggnog.
And the mince pies.
And the mince pies.
You've done really well.
What have you got? Sprouts.
Vegs - some peas there.
Peas.
I got the Eggnog and gravy.
The turkey.
Have a bit of turkey.
So, they're telling me that you both have received one point for your team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One point?! Have you got anything to say to Susanna? Revenge is a dish tasted cold.
Yeah, as you just found out! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Well done to Gino and Piers! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) They loved it! They loved it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of our Christmas special.
I can tell you that the winning team was Piers, I've gotta be serious with you, you look like a granddad that's wet himself.
You've enjoyed it, though, haven't you? I've had a great time.
I can't wait to come back.
It doesn't matter if you win, does it? Of course it matters! Piers, I am really pleased you're having a good time, because I can tell you your team hasn't won, it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon! If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you in 2017! Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
# MARIAH CAREY: "All I Want for Christmas is You" Goodbye, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)