Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Any Friend of Diane's

- Answer that for me, will you? - You bet, Coach.
Carla? Yeah.
Carla, it's for you.
- Sounds like trouble with the kids.
- l'm not here.
- Carla.
- Give it to me.
What is it? Seraphina's where? Well, cut her down.
No, l don't care if it helps the TV reception.
Cut her down.
And if l get home and you've flushed the car keys again, you've had it.
By the way, any more problems tonight and you're adopted.
Your real mother is Doris Slobotkin, 555 8921 .
Think that's gonna work? One-in-a-million chance but l gotta take it.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.
Sounds like you had a pretty nice day off.
Well, it was so nice l don't know if l'm ready to talk about it yet.
However, if you insist.
l went out with David from the Anthropology Department.
He took me up to New Hampshire.
We walked in the woods, we communed with nature.
We stayed in a little inn where John Adams slept.
Yeah, lots of guys sign the register that way.
Well, now l know why l didn't wanna talk.
l had a pretty nice day off myself.
Taffy and l went sailing up at Marble Head.
Taffy? Sailing? You? You got a problem with that? No.
lt's just thought your idea of romance was brunch and a cockfight.
l love sailing.
After seeing Ordinary People, l've tried to get my kids interested.
- Afternoon everybody.
- Ho, Norm.
How's life treating you? Like he caught in bed with his wife.
- How about a beer? - Yowza! l gonna bring some company in.
- Who are you bringing in? - My new superior.
l gotta butter him up a little bit.
Bring him in here for a drink, catch some dinner upstairs.
- Why not take him to your house? - My wife lives there.
One things, you guys, you don't know me in here, OK? Why? l don't want him to think l'm a bar fly.
- Good.
- Don't call me Norm.
Gotcha, Norm.
Diane, would you get some singles up at Melville's, please.
Aye, aye, skipper.
Coach, l'll be right back.
l'm gonna get some wine.
- Pardon me.
- Hi.
l'm looking for a Diane Chambers.
You're in luck.
We've got one.
- l beg your pardon? - l hope you only want one.
Do you sense this conversation is an exercise in futility? Thank you.
My name is Ernie Pantusso but you can call me Coach.
- Rebecca Prout.
- Hi, Becky.
Diane and l shared a suite at Bennington.
No kidding? Sam and l shared a Chunky Bar in Cleveland.
- Where is Diane Chambers? - Upstairs.
She'll be a minute.
Well, l'll just sit at a table and wait.
- Thanks for your help.
- You're welcome.
Any time.
- Rebecca.
- Diane.
What a wonderful coincidence.
l never come into a place like this.
l'm doing research for a paper What the hell's going on here? A serving girl.
Would you bring us a bottle of wine? Only if l can spit in it.
lt's all right.
l know that you work here.
- Alright, how did you find out? - l called your mother.
She took her head out of the oven long enough to fill me in.
God, l've missed you.
l'll never forget those long afternoons in the quad, drinking champagne, eating brioche with strawberry preserves.
Reading and talking Schopenhauer.
Well, enough Schope-talk.
That's the beauty about being a mailman.
l don't have to play smoochy-woochy with my superiors the way you do.
Cliff, believe me, it's worth it for accounting.
l love numbers.
God help me, l love them.
Me, l like the challenges.
Dogs, vicious kids, those hard-to-find mailboxes.
You think accounting's boring? l miss one digit, a company goes in the toilet.
l'll tell you when it all makes sense.
Mother's Day.
Delivering a card to some old hag.
Watching her eyes mist up, .
kinda gets me right behind the old ballpoint.
You want to talk sentimental? Take that same old crone.
Save her a couple of hundred bucks on the short form.
Then l know why the Big Guy put me here.
l actually get paid to stand here and listen to great conversation.
Rebecca, there's something wrong.
You could always see through my fa├žade of gaiety.
Elliot and l have parted.
Rebecca, no.
You and Elliot? You were together for ever.
l know.
lt all began when Elliot got his doctorate in lchthyology.
His eye began to wander.
The first thing l knew, he'd taken up with a student on a squid expedition.
A doctorate changes a man.
But there'll be others, right? ln the meantime, you still have your work.
You'd think so.
l used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry.
- l know.
- But no more.
Even when l went back over my favourite, Karashnikov's Another Christmas of Agony, it failed to soothe me.
''Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog, The children cry over the carcass, The mist chokes my heart, Covers the mourners, At least this year we eat.
'' lf that didn't pick you up, l'm at a virtual loss.
What l need is to blot out Elliot's memory.
That's exactly what you should do.
l'm looking for a man.
Pardon? Diane, l've been thinking about this carefully.
l think what l need is something l've never had before.
An evening of unbridled bestial pleasure.
l want to burn at the stake of passion.
Rebecca, you're very vulnerable now.
Please, don't do anything foolish.
l've never done anything foolish in my life and it's high time l did.
The man l'm looking for should be peasant stock.
Tall, dark, strong, hairy arms.
But most important, he should be unintellectual.
One-word sentences.
- Do you know anyone like that? - No.
Diane, did you get the small bills? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Here you go.
l need a ten in silver.
Would you get it for more, please? OK, Coach.
l'll be right back.
You just sit very still, sip your wine.
- Hi there.
- Hi there.
Come here often? Just about every day.
l work here.
l couldn't help noticing your arms.
Yeah, l get a lot of comments on these.
They go all the way down to my hands.
- What's your name? - Sam.
Why? l like myself this way.
Two bourbons straight.
Diane, it's him.
l want him.
Who? The gay guy with the war wound? You can't fool me.
He's exactly what l'm looking for.
You're not interested in him, are you? No, of course not.
Then l'm going for him before l lose my nerve.
Sam, that woman is a dear friend of mine.
She is going through a very difficult period.
So whatever she asks you, please, just say ''no''.
- What? - ''No.
'' - Diane? - Yes.
Would you excuse us a moment? Fine.
Would you object to joining me in my hotel for an afternoon of animal passion? No.
- What's your name? - Does it matter? No.
Diane, Sam's not back yet.
So? Who cares? l would if he took off with my friend for two hours.
One hour.
And 53 minutes.
Sam always did like day games.
What do you say? This looks a nice place.
What are you gonna have, strangers? Let me get this, Mr Stabell.
l think l'll have a Perrier.
- Give me a beer.
- Wait a minute.
A beer? That sounds a refreshing change.
l'll have a beer.
- Hold me to one beer tonight.
- One at a time? For the whole night.
Here we go.
Two tankards of their finest ale.
Let's talk.
- Hey, Sammy.
- Hey.
- Diane, Sam's here.
- So? l'm gonna be in my office back here.
Well, hey Nothing going on here, huh? Dead.
l think l'm gonna stretch my legs, get a little exercise, fresh air.
Gotta take it easy.
l have no respect for a man who can't control himself when it comes to drinking.
Me neither.
How could you do that to that poor woman? Do what? Do what.
Thank you, Mr Quickpants.
Rebecca is a very vulnerable person, coming off a shattered relationship.
How could you go off with her? She said, ''Would you mind?'' Would you mind.
Those three words are all that separate you from a rutting pig.
That and my aftershave.
How dare you try to be funny when l hate you? Come on.
What's the big deal? We're all adults, aren't we? Yes.
Contrary to your assumption, l am not a prude.
l have a healthy attitude toward .
you know.
Answer me one question.
Are you proud of what you did today? l don't kiss and tell.
The pig develops scruples.
Come on.
Look, l'm just kidding you.
Nothing happened.
Alright? - He compounds it by lying.
- No lie.
l swear, nothing happened.
You mean Rebecca came to her senses? No.
l stopped it.
l get it.
You got angry because she considered you nothing but a stud service? No, l like that.
The problem was that l couldn't shut her up.
No offence but your friend is very boring.
She's depressing and she's long-winded.
Those dismal Russian poems.
They don't even rhyme.
After listening to two hours' worth of frostbite and famine, l decided to get my balalaikas out of there.
You turned a woman down? Yeah.
Here l am all primed for a wonderful afternoon You can't admit the truth, can you? What? What is the truth? Decency finally won out.
You did the right thing.
You were noble.
l was bored.
Unconsciously, you were sensitive to her suffering and you didn't want to take advantage of that.
- Think so? - Yes.
Sam Malone, you're a better man than you're willing to admit.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe l am kinda turning into a sensitive guy.
Maybe l'll never look at a woman again and see her as a mere sex object.
No, scratch that thought.
lt was my favourite audit.
lt nearly cost my marriage, but it was worth it.
Gotta go for the gusto.
l like your enthusiasm, Norm.
You're a workhorse.
You know, l'm having one heck of a time.
l don't usually do this, but let's have another.
- Coach, two more beers.
- Can't do it, Norm.
- No.
lt's OK now.
- Norm, l'm not letting you down.
- You said one beer.
- All right.
- One beer for my friend.
- That's different.
He'll have a pitcher.
Diane, l've come to say goodbye.
For ever.
- Rebecca, what's wrong? - l'm not attractive to men.
What? First Elliot and now what's-his-name.
Rebecca, l'm sorry.
Do you have to believe in God to be a nun? lt helps.
What did Sam do to you? - Who's Sam? - The bartender.
That's the problem.
Diane, he found me repulsive.
No, Rebecca.
This must be a misunderstanding.
He climbed out the window.
l'm going back there to talk to Sam.
He must know that he's hurt you.
l originally wanted to be a dancer.
You're a pig.
l haven't moved.
How did l get back to pig? - You have ruined a human being.
- Who? Rebecca.
- She's sitting out there right now.
- Mother Russia? l'm not here.
Sam, she's crushed.
l have never seen this woman so depressed.
Believe me, l have seen her depressed.
- l believe you.
- Well, you have to do something.
She is seriously upset.
lt's your fault for the way you rejected her.
- Wait, where are you going? - l am going to bring her in.
Come on, give me a minute to build a window, or something.
You're going to restore her confidence.
What am l gonna say? Just tell her the reason you rejected her wasn't because you found her unattractive.
What was the reason? l don't know.
Tell her that you belong to someone else.
That you lost your head for a moment, that you're an uncaring worm.
l was laughed at by the other boys, Norm.
Rebecca, may l speak to you in here for a moment? But don't they always laugh at the graceful fellows? Hello, Rebecca.
Hello Again.
When l left the hotel, l may have given you the wrong impression.
You see, l thought there was a fire.
l'm sorry.
Rebecca, l might not have been totally fair with you.
The reason l left was, l'm kinda seeing another person.
l was afraid this was going to happen.
You're making excuses to spare my feelings.
This is true.
l really am seeing somebody else.
- Please.
- Rebecca.
You are a very desirable woman.
He does happen to be going with somebody, that's all.
- Me.
- You? We can tell it now.
Today we had a tiff right before you came in.
And Sam used you to make me jealous and then when push came to shove, he finally remembered what a wonderful thing we have together.
lsn't that right, sweetheart? Yeah.
You bet ya.
Yes, Sam and l are deeply and passionately in love.
l can't believe it.
You two? lt's incredible.
l'd never have put you two together.
Well, l know.
lt does test the limits of human logic.
But, like you, l was growing bored with bright, articulate men.
- You were? - Sure.
l was looking for meat and potatoes.
Sam here, the old side of beef, really fit the bill.
You know, l was getting kinda bored with beautiful, sexy, sensuous women.
l decided to go for pleasant.
Believe it or not, l actually prefer a man who's thick and ordinary.
l guess l'm kind of old-fashioned.
l like a woman who does what her man tells her.
Lookee there, my shoe's undone.
Will you get that for me, honey? What, darling? Would you tie my shoesy-woosy for me? She loves doing these little things for me.
That's a little tight there, honey.
- How's that, sweetheart? - That's much better.
Thank you.
Well, all of a sudden, l feel like l'm intruding.
l can see that there's such emotion in this room.
Thank you for everything, Diane.
Rebecca, thank you.
lt was wonderful to see you again.
- l'll write you.
- Oh, good.
Things'll work out.
Let go of me.
- You had the gall.
- Just get That's the kind of passion l was hoping l'd find.
You'll find it, Rebecca.