Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Friends, Romans, Accountants

Do me a favour.
Pour Mischa there a real quick beer.
Coming right up, Mischa.
There you go.
Sam, what is he doing with his hand? He plays cymbals for the Symphony.
They're in the middle of a concert.
He's counting out a long rest so he knows exactly when to get back.
OK, that's 1 .
25 out of a 20.
1 .
50, 1 .
75, two, three, four, five, ten and 20.
Musicians are very temperamental.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! Norman.
- How's life, Norm? - Not for the squeamish, Coach.
You're shaking like a meringue in an earthquake.
My whole career as an accountant, l sat in my cubicle, kept my mouth shut.
- Today l volunteered for something.
- What? Every year, the firm has a company party.
- Yeah? - Guess who's party director.
Let me guess.
l'm good at guessing.
Julius LaRosa? Warm, Coach.
Gee, l should've taken more time.
- How come you volunteered? - To make points with the big boss.
Last year, some nobody named Jensen threw a luau in the parking lot.
lt was a big hit.
You know where that man is today? Leaning over my shoulder saying, ''Add faster.
'' What are you so upset about? lt sounds like a great opportunity.
That's what l thought.
But after l volunteered, l realised l never threw a party.
l killed a few.
What's the big deal? You want excitement, pay a sexy chick to jump out of a cake.
lf you want to save money, get Carla to do it.
Strippers aren't enough here.
Will you relax? Life's too short.
You don't understand.
We're talking about 1 00 accountants.
Their lives are incredibly dull all week long.
l gotta do something special to turn them on, wake 'em up.
The best party l was ever at was in a locker room.
We were all in our underwear, pouring champagne on each other.
Guys flinging guys into showers.
lt was terrific.
That was after we'd won the division championship.
- That's why we were in Cleveland.
- Right.
Norm, l've got a great idea.
Have yourself a hot-tub party.
- What? - The latest craze in California.
You know, Weirdo Central.
Get a bunch of people in a hot tub, who knows what'll happen? Today l delivered two copies of Star Parade magazine.
- Guess who's on the cover in a tub? - Julius LaRosa? No, Burt Reynolds.
l used to be so good at this game.
l did think of one icebreaker.
l go through this year's audits, find the biggest mistakes, Xerox them and pass them around.
We're talking monster laughs.
You're a maniac, Normie.
Perhaps l can give you an idea that you could actually use.
l think parties are the most fun when you can shed your everyday mundane identity and be someone else.
ln college, l held a party where everyone came as their favourite Elizabethan poet.
l remember.
lt was so great, l chose Christopher Marlowe.
l was deeply into Dr Faustus at the time.
But l still get letters from people who loved it.
Say, didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan Poet Night? Yeah, started getting too rowdy.
You were charged with practising iambic pentameter without a licence.
Sam, if l'm to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes, l should make more money.
What does a good butt make in this town? ln keeping with the spirit of this establishment, and its patrons, l suggest you get down in the mud and throw a toga party.
A toga party? Where they dress up in sheets? l'm sure you'd love it.
lt's a stupid fraternity tradition.
A bunch of borderline humans stand around swilling beer and vomiting on themselves, until, inevitably, they raise their robes to reveal the depths of their personalities.
Hallelujah, l am saved! l can see it.
This'll make that luau look like a pig roast.
Can l use Cheers? l'll pay half what you ask.
- How can l pass that up? - l got a lot to do here.
l should go home, close myself off and work out all the details.
- Good luck.
- l can do it in the bathroom.
- Are these people dressed in togas? - No, Coach.
l thought it mean to be a toga party.
lt is.
l'm getting my spells again.
l though l had 'em licked.
- No, you are right, Coach.
- Sure? Yes.
These people just haven't got into the spirit of the party.
Oh, thanks.
The gang in the back ready for another order? Not yet.
lt's been an hour and a half.
Are they watching their ice melt? Actually, it's quite peppy.
One fellow, believe or not, can recite every area code in the country.
We're talking dazzling entertainment.
Sam, can you spring me for a few minutes? l gotta see this.
Enjoy, Coach.
lf this guy knows Laramie, Wyoming, l'll croak.
Boy, this party stinks.
Well, maybe we should do something to help pick it up.
l got an idea.
Why don't you go back to my office? ln my desk you'll find two tassels and a G-string.
l'll hum Night Train - Come on.
- Get out.
Let the games begin! Holy Well, you all got the date right so l know you can read.
How come you're not in a toga? l was afraid everyone else would chicken out and l'd look like a fool.
Good point.
Jensen, nice suit.
Hello, there.
Why did l volunteer? l'm a dead man.
Sammy, you got someone lying in state in the back room? Nobody's moved for an hour and a half.
Normie, l like it.
You look like the Pillsbury Dough Monster.
- How come you're late? - l had car trouble.
You try flagging down help dressed like this.
Where's your wife? Why isn't she at the party? She didn't hear about it.
This is the worst party yet.
Thanks loads for the toga idea, Diane.
Well, Norman, all you need is a little icebreaker.
Let me help.
How about a round of that always enjoyable game, charades? l'll start off.
Movie title.
Four words.
First word.
Sounds like eye.
l'll give you the first one, get you going.
OK, second word.
What am l doing here? Eating.
Doesn't this look like eating? When do we eat and drink? Dinner! My Dinner Third word.
What is this? lt's little, isn't it? lt's a little word.
Begins with a W.
Little word.
With! My Dinner With My Dinner With Julius LaRosa! That's it.
- OK, Ogden, Utah.
- Eight zero one! Hold it down, everybody, it's the phone! l feel it! l feel that beat! Get up off your seat and on your feet.
lt's limbo time.
Come on, everybody! Come on now.
Last year, you ate a pig with your fists.
What's going on? Come on! Pack of nerds.
Norm, that was a message for you.
Somebody named Ruta can't make it tonight.
Ruta's the girl l had coming to entertain the big boss.
This can't be happening.
First, l throw the worst party in history, now l got no date for the big boss.
You've got to set your boss up with a woman? Yeah, it's the party director's duty.
Why not ask one of the women here? Or does your boss like live things? - Carla, do you suppose? - No, Norm.
Don't look at me.
l got four kids.
l'm not looking for more.
- You needn't have sex with him.
- Doesn't matter.
l'm a fast breeder.
A man winks at me and l'm three months along.
l need a woman! Does anybody need anything? Hallelujah! Let me see if l've got this straight? You want me to entertain a man l've never met.
Pour him a few drinks and chat with him.
You don't have to go home with him.
Though if you do, l'll drive.
l'm joking around.
l'm going to walk away and pretend that you never asked me to do this.
This could work out for you, too.
You might like this guy.
He's intelligent.
He went to Harvard Business School.
Sam? l can't believe your job depends on you finding this guy a woman.
That's right.
lt's demeaning and dehumanising, not just to me but to yourself.
l get it.
You think l'm a kissy, right? lt's easy for you two to talk.
Diane's attractive, she's got brains.
Sammy, good-looking, a baseball star.
l've got nothing.
My only hope is to find someone with something and make them like me.
- Norm - So if there are boots to be licked, apples to be polished and fannies to be kissed, l'll be there.
First time l saw a man strut and grovel at the same time.
You know, Norm is kind of in a jam here tonight.
- Now you want me to do this.
- lt wouldn't be so bad, would it? - You're asking me to do this.
- What's the big deal? You sit down with some old guy, you have a drink, he'll fall asleep.
Hello, Mr Sawyer, sir.
Well, Norman's a friend.
l guess l could give the old geezer a couple of minutes of my time.
We are all honoured and thrilled that you could make it.
- l like your sheet.
- This old thing? Come on down here, l'll show you a seat.
Why don't you let me do that? l know the place.
l'll never forget this, Diane.
Mr Sawyer, Diane Chambers.
- Nice to meet you, Diane.
- Nice to meet you.
Why don't you two sit right here? You! Well, what would you like to drink? Scotch rocks.
Barkeep, a little service, please.
Mr Sawyer will have Scotch rocks.
Let's see, what am l in the mood for? How about a good beating? - Perhaps a vermouth cassis.
- Fine.
lf you need anything else, just snap your fingers.
ln several places.
l guess working in a bar makes you grumpy.
Good evening! We're Eddie Barnett and the Eddie Barnetters.
OK, it's request time.
Shout 'em out.
Chicago? One of Eddie's favourites.
Norm, this band is the worst.
l don't understand it.
They sounded so good over the phone.
- So you're an art student? - Yes.
l always wanted to be a painter.
l must say, it is so refreshing to meet someone like you.
Someone in business who enjoys the finer things.
Here you go.
One for you.
One for your lady of the evening.
- To a sparkling conversationalist.
- Thank you.
l'd normally ask you to go out and find some place to talk, but l don't think we'd find any place as quiet as this.
- Something wrong with your drink? - Yes.
- l'll take it back.
- No, l know the bartender.
- You sure? - Yes, l'll be right back.
- Do you have a problem, Mr Malone? - Listen, you're a light drinker.
Don't get carried away and do something you'll regret.
You're not bothered that l'm spending time with Herb? Herb? No.
None of my business, really.
Looks a little seamy but seaminess has its place.
A moment ago you were encouraging it.
A moment ago, he was 85 years old.
l see.
An old man is fine, but one whose kidneys are functioning is taboo.
Look, like l said, it's none of my business, but he expects you to be his for the whole evening.
Know what l mean? Sam, we are having a harmless conversation about art.
- You know what l think? - What? l think you're bothered that he's so good-looking.
You call that good-looking? He's got padded shoulders and l bet that's not even his real lips.
- He's gorgeous.
lt drives you crazy.
- No.
lt kills you that there's another attractive man in your bar.
Another rooster in your henhouse.
My days are much easier now we've got those Cup-a-Soups in the office.
lf that was your idea, Mr Sawyer, you are a genius.
Norm, how about l buy you a drink? Why don't you set sail for the bar and have yourself a good time? That's wonderful, sir.
l understand there's a pool table in the back.
How about a game? OK.
l've never played before, but why should that stop us? Thank you for that conversation, sir.
l'm the better for it.
- Hi, there.
- Hello.
That is a good-looking guy.
l felt something kick.
Now you know why l never go to these things.
lt's strange, getting that reaction from people.
l like to think it's the money and position, not me.
l can assure you, it's not you.
l think Sawyer likes Diane.
l'm on my way, big guy.
You're really sickening tonight.
l know, Sam.
l'm not proud of myself.
But then, l never am.
Well, Simon Says is my game.
l'm great at that.
Maybe l can help you out.
l can teach you to play in a couple of minutes.
Just put your left hand down, like that.
- Grab the end with your other hand.
- l'm not in the way, am l? - You smell wonderful.
What is it? - Thank you.
Dandruff shampoo.
- l like it.
- l don't flake for hours.
- Herb, wait a minute.
- Diane, you're beautiful.
You know, l don't believe in mauling on the first date.
- l didn't come to hear the band.
- We were having a nice conversation.
- That part's over.
- How is everything back here? - Norman! - He'll stop in a minute.
- No, really.
- Mr Sawyer, sir - Get lost, Norm.
- Fine, sir.
- This is not my idea of romance.
- Come on.
- Wait.
- l told you to leave.
Mr Sawyer! - This is a big mistake.
- Sorry, sir.
l know, sir.
Nice cologne, sir.
You're crazy.
You set me up with this girl and then do this? There's no room in my company for unstable people.
- Clean out your desk.
You're fired! - l figured.
Norman, l'm real sorry you lost your job.
- That's what l was trying to avoid.
- lt's alright.
What was that about? Your boss just stormed out.
- He's not my boss any more.
- What? He was all over Diane.
l had to get rough with him.
l want a beer.
- You OK? - Yes.
Well, go ahead.
Believe it or not, l'm really sorry this happened.
l know you must be feeling hurt and angry right now.
l'm not feeling hurt and angry.
l brought this on myself.
- Actually, l feel kind of - Cheap? Alright, yes, l feel cheap.
l saw an attractive person, a little glamour, and l wanted to meet him so badly that l threw myself at him.
Totally sacrificing my dignity and pride.
What's wrong with that? l do that all the time.
For one terrible moment l saw myself through his eyes.
l saw nothing but a cheap harlot.
Come on.
We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.
- Thanks, Sam.
- You're welcome, Diane.
So he fired you, Norm? Fired me, Coach.
You know something? l may not have a job.
l may not have a future.
l may not have anything except this sheet on my back.
But you know something? l feel terrible.
Gee, l'm sorry, Norm.
- Did you really hit the boss? - No, l just shoved him around a bit.
Everybody, it's true.
Norman just punched out the boss.
- l just pushed him around.
- Way to go, Peterson.
Alright, Norman! Norman, our hero! (ENGLlSH)