Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Endless Slumper

Excuse me.
l'm here in response to the ad in the newspaper about Mrs Tortelli's children.
What, is she trying to sell them again? - What? - Never mind, never mind.
Carla? Yeah? What is it? - There's a lady here to see you.
- Oh, yeah? l'm Miss Gilder.
We spoke earlier about your ad for a tutor.
Oh, yeah.
Have a seat over there and we'll talk.
l'm takin' five.
OK.
Here are my resume and references, Mrs Tortelli.
You will see l teach all subjects.
l have a great deal of experience, and, if l may say so myself, l'm very highly recommended by those for whom l've worked.
Forget that.
Have you ever been in any major military skirmishes? What? lt's important l know you can handle yourself.
Just stand up for a minute.
- Give me one.
- Give you one what? Your best shot, right here.
Coldcock me, honey.
- Don't hold back.
- Waste her.
- Lay one on her.
- Let's go.
You don't really expect me to strike you ? Six bucks an hour.
Great shot! Sit right down here and we'll work out the details.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman What's the story, Norm? A thirsty guy walks into a bar.
You finish it.
Norman, you are looking especially spry today.
Thank you.
ln fact, l joined a health club today.
Good for you.
Nice facilities? Excellent snack bar.
Norm, it's gonna add years to your life.
Coach, l felt l had to do something.
Sammy, this guy over here doesn't believe me about your bar slide.
Would you serve one up to save my good name? - My pleasure.
- Thank you, Sammy.
- Let's get this garbage out of here.
- Clear the runway.
- OK, Sammy.
Any time you're ready.
- There you go.
Hit the bricks, pal.
OK.
How do you do it? lt's just one of my two hidden talents.
The other is just as impressive.
But you can hardly charge a buck for it.
Cheers.
Yeah.
Just a sec.
- lt's for you, Sam.
- Give me a second.
l'll put you on hold.
- Thank you, Coach.
- All the classy joints do that.
Hello? Sam Malone.
Hey.
Of course l know who you are, Rick Walker.
Well, it's not too crowded.
lf you're across the street, come on over.
Yeah.
Hey.
You're in luck here.
A genuine Red Sock's on his way over.
No kiddin'? What are you doing? Sam, l don't want a Boston Red Sock to come in here and get a glass with lipstick on it or crud at the bottom.
Sit up straight, will ya? So who is it, huh? Evans? Rice? Yaz? You heard of Rick Walker? He can use that one.
Carla For five years, when he pitched for Detroit, we couldn't win a game against them.
Then he signed for the Sox for big bucks and now he's leading the league in early showers.
Carla, he's supposed to be a nice guy and l'm glad not everybody feels like you do.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hey, Rick! l'm sorry about that.
That's OK.
For me, this is cordial.
- How you doing? - Good.
Nice to see you.
Let's sit and have a little privacy.
Sam, l know it's crazy for a stranger to come here for advice but the pitching coach said you're the only man who can help me.
Well, l'm flattered.
He said if anyone knows about slumps, it's you.
- The legend lives on, huh? - Sam, can l buy you a beer? No, thanks.
l don't drink anymore.
Yeah.
l heard rumours you used to hit the bottle sometimes.
Well, they're true.
Did you drink during a game? Never on the mound.
Sets a bad example for the catchers.
- Did drinking help? - No.
Quite the contrary.
How about an early shower? - Carla, come on.
- The guy's a rag arm.
l'm sorry.
Sam, didn't that guy used to be a pitching coach for the Red Sox ? That's Ernie Pantusso.
He works here now.
Good idea.
Let's ask him some stuff.
Coach, l want you to meet Rick Walker.
Hey, Rick.
How are ya? Nice to meet you.
- l'll get you a beer.
- Great.
Sorry things are not going good for you.
Coach, l just don't know what l'm doing wrong.
Sam? Who is that man? That's Rick Walker, relief pitcher for the Red Sox.
Poor guy's in a slump.
Going through hell.
Try to get out of those things, the worse it gets.
Well, you know what he needs.
Meditation.
- lt gives you total serenity.
- Well, maybe l could suggest it.
Well, it worked for me.
l used to have this facial tic.
Started meditating, right away.
Really? - Absolutely.
- What kind of tic ? Well, it was hardly noticeable.
- Come on.
Let me see.
- No.
l got rid of it.
lt's a thing of the past.
So, anyway, suggest meditation.
lt just might do wonders.
- l can see it did wonders for you.
- l'm a living endorsement.
Gotcha.
Sam, what am l gonna do ? Well, have you ever thought about meditation ? - l tried everything, Sam.
- Really ? Sam, forget that meditation.
What he needs to do is beef up his sex life.
See the ladies, take the edge off.
He's right.
Sammy's taken more edges off than a carpenter.
Listen, Rick.
ln my day, there was always attractive young dames outside the stadium waiting for players.
- They're still there, Coach.
- Are you kiddin'? Say hello to Rosie McGonagal for me, will ya? - Different ones are there, Coach.
- Yeah.
Listen.
Now, he's been in baseball for a long time.
Maybe there's something to this sex stuff.
No, Sam, l appreciate the suggestion but l don't think that's the answer.
Wait just a minute.
Don't say it's not the answer until you've tried it.
- Diane, Diane - - Excuse me.
My name is Diane.
l have done this for years, and l'll tell you, l would be happy to teach you how to do it.
Diane, this is very kind of you but l don't think No, no, no.
Please.
Do me the favour of trying it with me.
- ls she serious? - Oh, yes.
She's serious.
Does it all the time.
She just said.
That's right.
Er Do you Oh, are you kidding? Him? He'd just make jokes.
Well, OK, then.
OK.
What time's good for you? Well, personally, l like to get at least half an hour in before breakfast, but Look.
Any time's alright with me.
Darling, l like you.
There is something so beautiful about experiencing it outdoors.
Don't people stare at you? Yes.
Sometimes.
But they end up learning something.
Sometimes people even join in.
All this talk has gotten me excited.
What the hell? Let's do it now! Outside? No.
lt's a little cold and l prefer to take my shoes off.
Sam, could we use your office, huh? Wait.
l've let this go No, no, no.
We don't need to hear from Mr Sceptic.
Rick here is after something and l can show him where it is.
Start doing different things.
You gotta l dunno.
Maybe discover some rituals or superstitions.
Maybe carry a lucky charm.
l know that sounds silly, but what you gotta do now is break up your routine.
Do you have any superstitions, Sammy? Well, yeah, l had one crazy little one.
l never pitched to anybody named Reggie, Willie or The Bull.
You did have the lucky charm, Sammy.
Yeah, l did.
That's true.
What was it? Well, it was a bottle cap that l found once.
For some reason, l picked it up and started carrying it around.
After a while, l figured it had something to do with things going my way.
l sure could use that bottle cap.
lt doesn't have to be this one.
lt could be any bottle cap really or anything.
Sam, you still have it? Well, yeah.
l just started carrying it around more as a superstition.
- Could l borrow that for a few days? - This? Please, Sam.
This could mean my whole career.
Well A couple of days.
Sure.
l guess so.
l can't guarantee that it's gonna work.
Hey, Sam, l'm desperate.
l'll try anything.
- Thanks a lot.
- Don't mention it.
- Let me buy you a beer.
- No, thanks.
l got practice.
l'll see you in a couple of days.
Thanks a lot.
- See ya, bud.
- Best of luck.
So long.
Hey, Rick? Hey, Sammy? How about another beer down here? Sure.
l never thought you'd part with the bottle top.
Come on, Coach.
lt's er only going to be for a couple of days.
lt's not like it's special or anything magical.
Hey, Cliffy.
Here you go.
Gee, l hope you haven't lost your other talent too.
Did Rick Walker pitch again last night? Yeah.
He got another save.
That old bottle cap comes through again, huh? That's 3 saves and 2 wins in 2 weeks.
All of a sudden, the city of Boston's in love with him.
- Yeah.
Everybody but Sammy.
- Yeah.
Sam and his pre-scientific notions of magical bottle caps.
You gotta admit.
He's had bad luck.
- l know.
- Sorry l'm late.
What is it today, Sammy? Nothing too exciting.
l locked my keys in the car.
Hey! l won the pool! Cliff wins three days in a row.
lt's uncanny.
What did you have yesterday? Scrapes and nicks, and he cut himself shaving.
And the day before that, l had stubbing something.
lt still hurts.
Tell me.
What do you like tomorrow? l see a mine shaft.
Sam, come on.
Tell me you don't think this is because you've lost your talisman.
Look what's happening to Rick with that cap, becoming a Hall of Famer.
- He was on AM Boston this morning.
- No kidding.
What did he say? l don't know, l left my TV by the heater last night.
lt exploded.
- Were you hurt? - No.
Luckily l was unconscious in my bathtub.
Sam? Do you realise that you are causing these accidents yourself? What are you talking about ? Well, you've obviously got something else on your mind.
You're not concentrating, You're making these terrible things happen.
Sammy, let me have a Dewar's rot and a red wine.
Coach.
Listen.
How many games did he win with that silly thing in his pocket that he takes it so seriously? None.
- None? - None.
Then why does he think it's a good luck charm? lt had nothing to do with baseball.
l knew it.
l knew there was more to this.
Come on.
Why's it so important? Please, Diane.
l can't tell you.
l'm sorry.
l can't.
Come on, Coach.
l'm real curious.
OK.
You can ask me a yes or a no question.
OK.
- One question? - Yes.
Sam, would you take that, please? Sammy, you grabbed the coffee pot by the sides.
- Yes l did.
- Doesn't it hurt? Hurt's not the right word.
Anybody have any money down on the coffee pot? Sammy, you've got to get that bottle cap back.
For the first time in my life, l'd rather be me than you.
Yeah, Sam, ask the kid for the cap, will ya? He's goin' good now.
Maybe he's rolling again.
He's got the old confidence back.
Maybe he doesn't need it now.
Sam, please, give him a call.
He'll understand.
- Go on.
- Think so? Absolutely.
Go on.
Right now.
Well, alright.
lf you guys insist.
Wait a minute, Sammy.
You can't call him now.
His game's started at Fenway.
And the Red Sox take the field Well, l guess you're right.
l can survive nine innings, huh? With your luck, it'll go into extra innings.
That's out, number 3.
Walker has done it again.
He retires the side and we head into the bottom of the 2 1 st inning.
Perfect No kidding.
Norm, is it the 21 st inning? Let's see l get 22, but this one could be the national anthem.
That's too much baseball for me.
l'm heading out.
Not me, Cliffy.
l'm a real Red Sox fan.
l stay to the very last out.
lt's closing time.
l can't serve you anymore.
Not like it's the World Series or anything.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Norm.
Wake up, Diane.
Cliffy, let's go do something.
Not tonight, Norm.
l gotta be at the post office soon to pick up my bag.
l gotta go crawl into bed with mine.
Well.
l think l might get on home too.
l'll see ya tomorrow, Sam.
Come on, Carla.
l'll give you a lift.
Nah, l don't wanna miss the game.
You can hear it on the car radio.
How far away is your car ? - A block and a half.
- Wait for the right moment.
We pause 1 0 seconds for station identification.
Coach, the keys! Which direction? One block north and about a half a block east.
Or did l take the bus today? Goodnight, Diane.
Sam, don't worry about a thing.
lt's gonna be alright.
Well, l guess l'll knock off too, OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
l could go to the all-night bookstore in Cambridge or l could go home and make myself a cup of tea.
- What do you think l should do, Sam? - Score! That would have to be the bookstore.
lt's a high drive.
lf it stays fair, that's a home run.
lt's fair and it's gone! Right.
The game's over and my baby's comin' home.
May l ask a question? Could you hold that? l've got a very important phone call to make.
- You're calling Rick, right? - Yeah, l think that's his name.
Do you have the number of the bull pit? No.
They'd probably be in the bunkhouse by now.
Marty.
Hey.
Yeah, lt's, well, it's Mayday Malone.
How are you doing? Yeah, thank you.
l'm fine.
Listen, is Walker there? Alright.
When he gets out of the showers, tell him to call me here at Cheers.
Alright? OK.
Thanks.
l believe you had a question there.
Well, l guess lt isn't important now.
lt's just that l know this bottle cap has nothing to do with baseball and l was sort of hoping that you'd tell me what it's about.
l know you've been curious.
l didn't wanna tell you the real situation cos you'll think l'm silly.
Well, would it ease your mind at all if l told you l already think you're silly? Yeah.
That might help a little bit.
You see, that little bottle cap keeps me from drinking.
Silly, huh? You don't hear it speaking, do you? Well, nothing beyond an occasional little small talk.
lt is a very little bottle cap.
Alright.
l'll buy it.
How does it keep you from drinking, just out of curiosity? lt's the cap off the last bottle of beer l ever drank, the last anything l ever drank.
l remember holding onto that bottle cap during some pretty rough nights.
l'd wake up in the morning and have its imprint in my palm.
lt was flat cos l was squeezing it so hard.
When l was tempted to have a drink, sometimes l'd look at the bottle cap and it would stop me.
That's a pretty great little bottle cap, huh? You wanna know something really crazy? The last couple of nights, l've really had an urge to have a drink.
- lt's probably for you.
- Probably.
Listen.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening.
Oh, well lf l wasn't here, l'd be at home in bed with The Brothers Karamazov.
Don't say anything.
Hello? Hey, Rick.
How ya doing? Hey, that's a pretty terrific win you got there for yourself.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Listen.
l guess you're kinda back on the beam now, wouldn't you say? You know, l was thinking this afternoon.
You remember l loaned you a bottle cap or something? Well, it's gonna sound funny but l'm kinda missing that dumb thing.
You did? Why didn't you tell me that, Rick? No, that's all right.
No, never mind.
That's What's wrong? He lost it a week ago in Kansas City.
He was putting off telling me about it.
Kansas City.
One town l've always wanted to see.
Huh? We'll jump on a plane.
Well, what's the difference? Easy come, easy go, huh? Come on, Sam.
Let's get out.
Go home.
Diane l tell you what.
Even better.
Let's just talk, you know? What are you gonna tell me that l haven't heard a hundred times, huh? Oh, come on, Sam.
lt's important that you not be here tonight, huh? You don't wanna be in a bar.
Where am l gonna be tomorrow night, and the next, and the day after? l'm gonna be in a bar.
You're gonna feel better tomorrow.
No.
No, l'm gonna feel better tonight.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you watch me get drunk? l'll get real sick - Sam, no - Don't.
Just don't.
l guess l gave the wrong one to Rick, huh? l'm sorry.
Are you alright ? Yeah, l'm fine.
l knew you could do it.
l knew you could do it.
You're (ENGLlSH)