Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Personal Business

PERSONAL BUSINESS I got it.
Yeah, thank you, Vic.
TabIe ready upstairs at MeIviIIe's for the Anderson party.
TabIe ready for the Anderson party.
- Your name is Anderson? - Yeah.
I guess there must be two Anderson parties.
- What's the first name? - Ernie, but they caII me Coach.
There are two Anderson parties here.
WouId you caII upstairs and find out who gets the tabIe? Good idea.
Vic, we've got a probIem.
There are two Anderson parties.
Which one is it? Oh, thanks, Vic.
Thanks.
I got it, Vic.
I'm sorry, I was wrong.
It's not for the Andersons.
It's for the BIubberbutts.
TabIe ready for the BIubberbutts! TabIe ready for the BIubberbutts! DyIan Thomas, DeImore Schwartz, FitzgeraId, FauIkner they aII drank themseIves to death.
Gone before their time.
So, can I get you another round? - Diane's mouth has sprung a Ieak again.
- Excuse me? We have to Ieave.
- CouId we get our waitress now? - Sure.
Here's my theory on the reIationship between aIcohoI and genius.
Writing is a IoneIy profession.
You know Excuse me for a moment.
CarIa! CarIa! - PIease! PIease! CarIa! - Here you go.
- CouId we get our cheque pIease? - CertainIy.
CarIa, I've toId you before, keep your hands off Diane.
I wiII if you wiII.
CarIa I have two things to say to you.
First, don't ever do that again or you'II regret it for the rest of your Iife.
And second, wouId this be a bad time to ask you for a favour? For you, there's no good time.
WeII then, I wouId greatIy appreciate it if you wouId switch scheduIes with me so that I can have next Tuesday off.
No! CarIa, Oriana FaIIaci is giving a speech at Harvard.
Come on, pIease.
You've gotta change with me.
I don't have to do nothing.
Before I do a favour for you, I wouId rather be dragged around town by my tongue.
Since you don't feeI strongIy about it, maybe Sam wouId Iike to decide for us.
Ha! I'd rather fIip a coin.
At Ieast that way I'd have a chance.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means that since you two started you know She gets away with things the rest of us wouIdn't.
- I beg your pardon! - CarIa, maybe you're right.
Maybe I have been too easy on her.
I'II take her in the back room and teach her some obedience.
I've got no feeIings about what you two do in private, no matter how disgusting, sickening and putrid it is.
I just don't think the rest of us shouId suffer for it.
CarIa, aII I asked you to do was switch nights off with me and you turn it into a verbaI Iynching.
What's the big deaI? Changing one night? There you go again, taking her side! OK, aII right.
Diane, work Tuesday night and Iet's just forget this whoIe thing.
Sam, you obviousIy don't reaIise how important this speech is to me.
It's onIy one night, CarIa.
Hey, Diane, I think if you CarIa, come on, wiII Does anyone want to buy a bar? Sam, reIax.
It's not fair to put you through this.
- CarIa, you don't have to switch - Oh, goodgood - I've just come to an important decision.
- Good for you.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman! - WouId you Iike a beer, Norm? I'd Iike to see something in a size 54 sudsy.
- So how's Iife treating you, Norm? - The same.
- That's too bad, Norm.
- If not worse.
- What's wrong, Normie? - Nothing.
- LittIe personaI probIem.
- If it's anything you wanna taIk about Nah, I thought I'd sit here and Iet it gnaw at my gut for a whiIe.
Now, Normie, come on.
You're among friends here.
If you can't taIk to us, who can you taIk to? Not Vera, that's for sure.
She and I have spIit.
- I'm sorry.
- What happened? What caused it? She said we no Ionger communicate, that I never Iisten to her, a bunch of other stuff.
Yak, yak, yak.
Cheer up, Norm, maybe maybe this'II be good for you somehow.
- Yeah? - Yeah, absoIuteIy.
Look at it this way.
- You are a free man now, Norm.
- A carefree bacheIor.
- Yeah, I do have a pad now.
- Where is it? You know that big beautifuI buiIding down by the waterfront? You take a Ieft there, you drive for about a haIf an hour - Don't come at night.
- This is gonna be a new Iife for you.
- You just gotta get up and around a bit.
- I don't know.
- Come on, man.
Come on.
- What are you waiting for? - Come on, Norm.
- AII right.
I'm gonna do it.
Stand back, I'm on the prowI.
SIow up.
Come on, man.
- That was awfuIIy quick, Norm.
- They know where to find me.
Sam? - Read this.
- What is it? - My resignation.
- Your what? Read it.
''Dear Sam ''AIthough my tenure here has been one of vaIue and enIightenment, stiII'' ll faut cultiver notre jardin.
Come on! First, nobody resigns from a bar and second, nobody resigns in Latin.
- It's French, Sammy.
- What does it mean, CIiff? Because of the idiomatic pecuIiarities, it can't reaIIy be transIated into EngIish.
''One must cuItivate one's own garden.
'' Diane, you took some Iiberties with the derogatory tense there but I think we'II Iet it sIide this time? What the heII's this about? It's because I didn't take your side against CarIa? No, Sam.
The probIem with CarIa is onIy a symptom.
You see it's cIear that our working together is making our Iives miserabIe.
Diane, you just can't Ieave Iike that.
We shouId have a party.
Some booze, a Iot of pretzeIs, some munchies, get a Iot of peopIe together.
- You mean, Iike this? - WeII, I guess that's goodbye, Diane.
Sam, you don't need me tonight.
I wanna go home and start pIanning.
CarIa, what's the matter, sweetheart? Are you aII right? Don't you see? My Iife hasn't exactIy been a bag of roses, you know.
My oId man used to beat me.
I spent haIf my chiIdhood in reform schooI.
My husband was a rat who Ieft me with four hungry mouths to feed.
But this makes up for aII that.
I am the happiest woman aIive.
You know, I'm sorry.
I think this is a mistake.
It's a tough town out there Norm, am I right? Most empIoyers wouIdn't spit on you if your hair was on fire.
But you'II make it, kid.
I know you wiII.
You've got moxie.
I know.
You aII think I'm nothing but an orchid, unequipped to survive in anything but a rarefied atmosphere.
I'II have you know, there's weed in me.
What a fareweII speech.
It went on exactIy the right Iength.
Any more wouId have been too much of a good thing.
Hey, you're reaIIy going to do this, aren't you? - Sam, I'm doing this for us.
- ReaIIy? Yes.
Now don't you want to spend your nights with a woman who's fuIfiIIed, independent, seIf-actuaIised? I suppose it's worth a shot.
You got her number? - HeIIo, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.
I have wonderfuI news.
I've got a job! - Write us about it.
- Good for you.
I know you aII thought I was a sociaI misfit, unabIe to function on the streets.
WeII, I not onIy got a job, I've got a great job! I'm a proofreader for a smaII pubIishing house.
Isn't that perfect for me? I'm proud of you.
WeII, it's been two weeks of heII, but I did it.
What's going on here, Norm? You been Iooking for months and Diane snags a job in a coupIe of weeks? WeII, it's easier for girIs.
If God had made me a woman, I'd never be out of work.
WeII, yeah, as Iong as there are carnivaIs.
You know, I was scepticaI about you finding something, but I guess it won't kiII me to come out and saycongratuIations! Thank you, CarIa.
CarIa, get up, wiII ya? - So, when do you start? - I'm not sure yet.
How come? The job isn't exactIy, officiaIIy, technicaIIy, compIeteIy, finaIIy definite.
- You don't have the job? - No.
I've got it.
I poured out my heart for nothing? CarIa, CarIa, I have the job! I have the job! It's just that there's one smaII formaIity that has to be taken care of.
- And that's what? - Mr Hedges wants a reference.
He'II caII you tonight.
You wiII say wonderfuI things about me, won't you? - Sam, we'II need more red wine here.
- OK.
I wiII teII him that you are the best cocktaiI waitress I've ever seen.
And then I'II teII him that I'd Iike to seII him some Iand in FIorida that I own.
No kidding? Where is it? We might be neighbours.
I wonder what Vera's doing tonight.
By the way, Normie, how did you and Vera meet? Didn't I teII you? We were in schooI together.
We were? - Not you and I.
Vera and I.
- Good.
She was a cute IittIe thing back then.
Boy, couId she give a hickey.
Famous aII over the Midwest for it.
She gave me one the night of the senior prom.
It Iasted tiII a year ago Christmas.
- Give her a caII, big feIIa.
- I don't think so.
Normie? Yeah, I probabIy shouId just see how she's doing.
- Here, Normie.
Save a dime.
Wait.
- Thanks, Coach.
Vera? It's Norm.
How are you doing? Great.
So, what are you up to? You have a date? Yes, I'm hurt.
I know it's been two weeks, but You know, it so happens that I have a date myseIf.
Yeah, I've been getting around.
You don't beIieve me? She's right here.
You can taIk to her yourseIf.
HeIIo.
Mrs Peterson, thank you for Ietting Normie go.
He's such an animaI.
I've never known a man who can thriII me the way he does.
He touches me and I'm a woman.
A totaI, quivering woman.
AII right.
Thanks, CarIa.
Say, CarIa, wanna maybe get some coffee or something? Get reaI.
Yeah, Cheers.
Yeah, he's in the back.
Who can I say is caIIing? - Hedges? - Coach, that's my boss! Are you the Ducky Hedges who owes me 50 bucks? - Anybody can say they're not him! - No, Coach! What coIour was Red WiIson's hair? Ducky! You bet I'm an idiot for ever Ioaning you 50 bucks! You no good chiseIIer! I Ioaned you that money and you thought I'd forget.
WeII, I fooIed ya! - Coach, come on, Iet me have it.
- Give it back when you're through.
HeIIo? Yeah, this is Sam MaIone.
No, I've been expecting your caII.
You want to know about Diane Chambers? I can make this simpIe.
She'sshe's briIIiant, she's competent, she's efficient.
I recommend her compIeteIy.
What's that? Yeah, what do you wanna know? I don't think I wanna answer that question.
- No, I don't think I wanna answer it.
- Answer it! Yeah, I've seen her naked.
Mr Hedges, this is Diane Chambers.
You are the most rotten, disgusting pig.
I wouIdn't work for you if it was How much? Does that incIude medicaI? What am I saying? I wouIdn't take your job if it were the Iast in Boston! - ToId him, Diane.
- I can kiss that 50 bucks goodbye.
- He's onIy interested in my body.
- Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a guy.
But if I made the switch now, I'd have to buy a whoIe new wardrobe.
Men are beginning to reaIIy disgust me.
- Even more than before.
- Come on! Lighten up! I mean one rotten appIe doesn't No, not one.
We're taIking orchards here.
The few scant offers I've had for a job have aII had sexuaI strings attached.
It makes me crazy thinking of those guys treating my squeeze Iike a sex object.
Here, here.
WeII, I guess I'm not going to get any pureIy professionaI offers.
Why don't you come back to the bar? This is where you beIong.
This is where your peopIe are, where your friends are, where your big guy are.
- Where my heart are.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, I think she's coming back.
Hey, why don't you Iet me go get my coat and then we'II go over to my pIace and we'II ceIebrate your homecoming? - Great.
- You may need this.
- Sam? I was just thinking - Oh, yeah? I tried that once.
Never cared for it.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Sam! - Nice? Why did you rehire me just now? I hired you because you're the best combination girIfriend-waitress in the city.
And you stink as a waitress.
- ExactIy what I thought! - What? You hired me for sexuaI purposes.
Just Iike that swine, Mr Hedges, wanted to do.
- Come on! It's compIeteIy different.
- How is it compIeteIy different? WeII, it AII right, for instance you're nuts about me.
Yes, but who knows, in time I may have become nuts about him.
We had a few things in common.
We both find me adorabIe.
- This is serious! - AII right.
How can I come back knowing you think of me as nothing but your handmaiden? You know, Diane it gets me the way you women are aIways taIking about sex on the job.
I mean, as if you were the onIy victims.
- What about me? - What about you? You took this job because you wanted to be a waitress? AbsoIuteIy not.
I I had a burning desire to discover and expIore this vein of American cuIture.
BuII! You had a burning desire to expIore Mount Sammy here.
- What are you saying? - You took this job because I'm here.
- You had sex on your mind, too.
- That's not true! Not entireIy true! How do you think it makes me feeI to know that the first time you saw me you undressed me with your eyes.
You had no regard for my dignity as a man and an empIoyer.
I was just a chaIIenge to you.
Another notch on your beIt.
I am a person.
I have dignity too.
I know you have no regard for this job.
And you continuaIIy teII me that I have the brain of a cucumber.
So what's Ieft? The onIy thing Ieft is that you want your physicaI Iust satisfied.
And that's where I come in.
- There's onIy one thing to do.
- I know, I know - I'II undress and do my duty.
- No! No, you've shown me the Iight.
I've been a cad.
OK.
I propose that you and I abstain from physicaI contact for one month.
StrictIy business for one month.
I think that's the onIy way that each of us can regain our seIf-respect.
I think that's a very good idea.
It wouId heIp me a Iot.
Fine.
One month it is.
- Mr MaIone.
- Miss Chambers.
There is just one more thing.
I think PIease, have a seat.
I think that my seIf-respect bounces back quicker than you expect.
I think two weeks ofstrictIy business, and I'II be back in peak shape.
Maybe, if I concentrate, one week.
I beIieve that my recuperative powers are even greater than yours.
A day wouId be fine with me.
The important thing is that we both know that we couId stop.
I think that an hour wouId certainIy prove that.
WeII, from that argument it foIIows that 1 5 minutes wouId be adequate.
- That's enough time to get to my pIace.
- Let's hurry.
EngIish ( en)