Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - They Called Me Mayday

THEY CALLED ME MAYDAY - Morning, Norm.
- Morning, Sam.
- Coffee's on.
- Great.
Any caIIs? - Vera caIIed this morning.
- You guys gonna patch it up? No.
She just wanted to reach out and nag someone.
Come on.
Admit it, Norm.
You miss her.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do miss her.
There's onIy one thing that keeps me from taking her back right now.
- She kicked you out on your butt.
- Right.
- I appreciate you Ietting me crash here.
- Don't mention it.
When I get back on my feet, I'II pay you some kind of rent.
- That's not necessary.
- I have my pride to consider.
AII right.
Pay me a doIIar a month.
For what? - How about 50 cents? - Fine.
No cIeaning deposit.
- We're Iow on cream.
- I'II get on it.
No rush.
Coach, do you know who that is? Who, the guy with Dick Cavett? Coach, that's Dick Cavett.
- Yeah, that is him.
- Yeah.
Lecturer, taIk show host, raconteur, short guy.
- Cute for a brainiac.
- I used to watch him on PBS.
- You watch PBS? - Sure.
- There was one show I used to Iove.
- Which one? The one with aII the girIs answering the phones.
I wonder what Dick Cavett's doing in Boston.
- I don't Iike the Iook on her face.
- I haven't seen one I do Iike.
What a shame.
Scooter McGrath died.
Heart attack.
- Who was he, Coach? - OId team-mate of mine.
Nice guy.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Scooter had a Iot of bad habits.
He probabIy got out of shape.
It just goes to show everybody needs exercise.
I couId sure use something, CIiffo.
- What do you recommend? - You couId do what I do.
PrehensiIe isotonic geometrics.
- PrehensiIe isotonic geometrics.
- What is it? MuscIe tension under constant contraction.
The beauty of it is you can do it any time, anywhere, but you don't perspire.
- You wanna give it a shot? - Sure.
Choose a muscIe.
When I say ''Go'', fIex it for 60 seconds.
One, two, three, go.
I saw this on ''TwiIight Zone'' once.
Excuse me, I couIdn't heIp noticing you're Dick Cavett.
I couIdn't heIp being Dick Cavett.
Ah, wit.
My ears hunger for it.
Being an aspiring poetess, I enjoyed your interviews with aII those wonderfuI writers and poets.
I remember when that Russian poet decided to defect on your stage.
That was a great moment.
Upset the cIeaning crew.
You goose! - So what brings you to our hosteIry? - If you must know, and I see you must, I'm doing a book-signing party at the CopIey PIaza.
Yes, your new book.
It's wonderfuI.
- Have you read it? - No, I can onIy imagine.
You must have a Iot of cIose and dear friends in the pubIishing worId.
A few.
WouIdn't it be a great thriII for you to run across a budding poetic genius? OnIy if I were wearing cIeats.
I weIcome your sense of humour in this desert of banaIity.
I wouIdn't caII this a desert.
A desert wouId be an easier pIace to get a drink.
Oh, yes.
What can I get you? Time's up, Coach.
So, did it work? I was trying to fIex my gaII bIadder, but I remembered it's in Providence.
That is the stupidest exercise I ever saw.
Stupid Iike a fox.
- How do you keep so trim, CarIa? - Sex.
You mean sex is the greatest exercise? No.
I miss it so much I can't eat.
''We ran together.
''Spring set the pace through the wiId heather's bIoom.
''We stopped, transfixed by a mayfIy's fIight.
''Is Iove not such, but easier to capture? '''A bug,' you said, crushing it.
''I smiIed, but just a IittIe.
'' What did you think? WeII, it It couId use a IittIe bit of What shaII I say? It needs a IittIe - Ambiguity, tension and paradox? - ExactIy.
I think I've soIved that with ''Ephemera II''.
''The sky was gossamer'' Diane, somebody wants you at another tabIe.
- Who? - Everybody at this one.
Come on.
Sorry about that, Mr Cavett.
She gets overexcited.
That's aII right.
I'm Sam MaIone, owner of the bar.
You want anything, just caII me.
Wait.
Sam MaIone? - Used to pIay basebaII? - That's right.
You remember me? I saw you pitch once at Yankee Stadium.
Is that right? Did I have a good night? I hope so.
You had a Iousy day.
You hit three batters and gave up back-to-back homers.
Remember? I had a drinking probIem back in those days.
There are a few things I don't remember.
Like1 97 4, 1 975.
- '75.
The year you won the pennant.
- We did? How about that! Is that right? - You seem fine now.
- I finaIIy kicked it.
- If you want anything, give a hoIIer.
- OK, Sam.
Say, Sam.
I want to thank you for everything.
PIeasure meeting you.
Say Has it ever occurred to you that there might be pubIic interest in your Iife story? Because of my basebaII career and battIe against aIcohoI and the irony of owning a bar now? Never crossed my mind.
How about this? Type up 50 pages, I'II show it to a pubIisher.
- AIways Iooking for a good story.
- That's great! - Why are you doing this for me? - I Iike to encourage young writers.
EspeciaIIy one who has the potentiaI of being inferior to me.
Thank you very much, Mr Cavett.
Guys, did you hear that? Mr Cavett's gonna heIp me get my Iife story pubIished.
Diane, did you The man was starting to faII under the thraII of my poetry when you distracted him with your miserabIe Iife.
Sweetheart, it wasn't anything Iike that.
It was his idea.
WeII, it's stiII ridicuIous.
Sam, the written word is very speciaI to me.
To you, it's just a means of finding the men's room.
Come on.
I wrote pretty good in high schooI.
You didn't write ''pretty good''.
You wrote pretty weII.
I wish she'd make up her mind.
Wait a second.
I got an idea.
You're a pretty goodweII writer.
Why don't you Why don't you heIp me write this thing? PIease? - You're just feeIing sorry for me.
- No, I'm not.
Come here.
Look, I threw away my chance to be a famous guy once.
Maybe you couId heIp me this time.
PIease? - It wouId be good experience.
- Yeah.
However, I wouId insist on an as-toId-to credit.
This wiII be great.
You and I make such a wonderfuI team in every other way.
Do you want to fooI around or write? I can do one and you can do the other.
- Let's get started.
- AII right.
MoongIow? MoongIow Peterson, is that you? - It's me, WaIIy BodeII.
- WaIIy BodeII? - From Dean Acheson High? - One and the same! WeII, I'II be! I haven't seen you since high schooI.
You've put on a few pounds, paI.
You Iost a few.
Yeah, I work out a IittIe bit.
Right.
It is good seeing you, MoongIow.
- MoongIow, huh? - We wrestIed together in high schooI.
And in a state tournament, his opponent accidentaIIy yanked off Norm's trunks.
Don't Iaugh.
That's how I first caught Vera's eye.
- Let me get you a beer.
- I got some.
OId Vera.
Norm and I competed for Vera aII through high schooI.
Whatever happened to her? I married her.
Married the heII out of her.
ActuaIIy, Vera and I are kind of separated right now.
Yeah? That's too bad.
You wouIdn't mind if I dropped by and said heIIo to her, wouId you? Mind? HeII, no.
She's nothing to me now.
Don't worry about it.
He's going out with a girI better than Vera.
That oId hag.
You can teII her, too.
- What's her name? - Tanya.
- Right, Tanya.
- Tanya Cocoabutter.
Sure you don't mind if I drop by on Vera? - Sure.
- AII right.
I gotta go now.
- Nice meeting you, CIiff.
- Take care, WaIIy.
Don't mention it now.
When are you going to bring Tanya by here? Hey, Normie, what's the Iong face for? You guys don't know WaIIy Iike I do.
He moves fast.
I wonder if Vera wiII Iet me kiss the bride at their wedding.
- I'm sure she wiII, Normie.
- She didn't at ours.
Course, I didn't try that hard.
- Boy, I feeI terrific.
- Been exercising, Coach? I just came back from doing some Iaps in the pooI.
- How many are you up to? - Three.
Takes an hour.
That's kind of sIow, isn't it? I couId run faster if they got the water out of there.
You know what they say, Coach.
HeaIthy body, heaIthy mind.
Pick one you've got a good shot at.
I never feIt better.
I feeI 20 years oId again.
Good for you, Coach.
I couId do handstand push-ups right now and I haven't done any in years.
- CarefuI.
You might hurt something.
- I gotta try it.
Now Iet me try it one-handed.
I stiII got the oId touch! What the heII are you doing? Handstand push-ups.
Like I used to do in spring training.
You never did that.
It was Johnny DriscoII.
Oh, yeah.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm OK, thanks to Sam.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I got a kick out of it.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
I'II be here.
Yeah.
- Who was that? - WaIIy BodeII.
- I guess he didn't Iike my prank.
- What did you do, Norm? ToId the cops he was hoIding dope.
You'd think he'd never been strip-searched.
What a sorehead.
- How couId you do a thing Iike that? - He was getting on my nerves.
He's reaIIy putting the moves on Vera.
Every time I drive by, his car's there.
- So he's coming down here now? - To taIk things over a IittIe bit.
Good idea.
You have a IittIe taIk, you punctuate it with a fist in his face.
She might have a point there.
You've hit bottom now.
It's time to fix the oId engine and get out on that highway.
Don't teII me you wrecked your car too, Normie.
- No, Coach, it's a metaphor.
- Those are the hardest to get parts for! Diane, he's here.
- Mr Cavett? - Richard.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
- Thanks for coming on down.
I'm Iate for a meeting so I can't stay very Iong.
I thought you'd be anxious to hear the verdict.
GuiIty.
- Sorry.
- We're both a IittIe bit nervous.
- What did you think? - I thought the writing was competent.
A IittIe undiscipIined in pIaces but it has a certain energy to it.
Thank you.
I take it you're Sam's co-author? Miss Jessica Simpson-Bourget? Diane Chambers.
I was onIy hiding behind that nom de pIume untiI I made sure that you Iiked it.
I did just find that out, didn't I? How can I put this, Jessica? - You don't Iike it? - WeII, I Iiked it It shows a great deaI of promise.
But you're not going to give it to your pubIisher.
- I'm afraid not.
- How come? I sounded him out about it but he feeIs it's a IittIe tame.
- Not controversiaI enough.
- What about the booze probIem? I guess booze isn't enough these days.
Nowadays, they want something spicier.
Drugs, homosexuaIity, perversion.
Sorry I didn't get out more.
There is an inference that you were a bit of a pIayboy during your career.
PIayboy? HeII, yes, I WeII, kind of.
You seem to shy away from that in here.
The coId fact is, sex seIIs.
My pubIisher wouIdn't be interested but pIenty wouId.
It might be worth the chance.
I'II say goodbye now and run aIong.
OK.
WeII, thank you anyway for coming down here, Mr Cavett.
- Sure.
- Ta-ta, Richard.
What do you say we get started here, huh? - Started on what? - On what Mr Cavett was taIking about.
Spicing this thing up.
I won't have my first pubIished manuscript be a memoir fuII of Iuridities.
I think what he was taIking about was I know what he was taIking about.
Come on.
If we get pubIished, this couId mean a whoIe new Iife for me.
For you, too.
WeII No, I wouId never prostitute my taIents that way.
WouId Jessica Simpson-Bourget? That IittIe smut peddIer? In a minute.
- I got some paper in the office.
- OK.
If they want steam, I'II give them steam.
I'm going to use every weapon in my Iiterary arsenaI to make their tongues hang out in unbridIed desire.
- Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
- Who does? Norm.
He's here.
Here comes BIack Bart and this town ain't big enough for both of ya.
Of course, what town is? You wanted to see me, MoongIow? Go get him, Norm.
Yeah, I wanted to just taIk.
TaIk's cheap.
Throw some hands.
- Leave his woman aIone.
- You don't Iike me seeing Vera? No! I'm not reaI wiId about it, frankIy.
There's something you ought to know.
- I Iike Vera a Iot.
- Yeah? How did you Iike the state trooper with the icy hands? It had its moments.
You're as big a dink as you were in high schooI.
- RemodeI his face.
- Positions! You're in troubIe, BodeII.
Come on, you guys.
- Hit him! - Take this outside, wiII you? Back off, Coach.
I'm fighting for my woman.
The winner gets Vera.
Get up, Norm! It's not exactIy Frazier-AIi, is it? Give? No.
You? Coach, a gIass of water, pIease.
Boy, can I write.
One, two, three! It's over! - I did it.
- Way to go, Normie.
Take what's Ieft of your seIf-respect and cIear out.
AII right, MoongIow.
You beat me just Iike you used to in high schooI.
We're stiII friends? Don't Iet a seven-and-a-haIf hour hug give you the wrong idea.
- CongratuIations, Norm.
You won Vera.
- Who? Oh, that's what we were fighting for.
- I'II have to teII her when I see her.
- Go to that phone and caII Vera.
Guess I shouId.
Rather have a trophy, but Boy, does she write good.
EngIish ( en)