Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - And Coachie Makes Three

AND COACHIE MAKES THREE CIiffie, don't Iook now, but there are two chicks at the end of the bar staring at us.
You're crazy.
They been staring for 20 minutes.
Do we Iook weird? - You do.
- Why? Cos you're taIking out of the side of your mouth.
They can't take their eyes off us.
There's onIy one way to be sure.
ToodIe down the end of the bar and see if their eyes foIIow us.
So are they Iooking? I'd say those suppIe young petunias definiteIy want us.
- So what do we do now? - Just take a waIk over there.
I wiII if you wiII.
On second thoughts, why don't we pIay it cooI? - We Iet them come to us.
- Those babes are reaIIy hot for us.
- That's it, foIks.
CIosing time.
- Here they come, moving in for the kiII.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were wondering if you knew a Iate-night spot to go to.
Some pIace a IittIe fun.
What was that? These guys are Martians.
- Come on.
They're nerds.
- Their Ioss.
WeII, they've gone now.
You can turn off the charm.
You were a reaI smoothy yourseIf.
Listen to Cary Grant.
That was humiIiating.
What difference does it make? They weren't that good-Iooking anyway.
We aImost took the midnight train to Bow-Wow City.
You're right.
I've seen better Iegs on a pooI tabIe.
You couId use that chest for a straightedge.
- Put a bag over your head.
- Or a gunny sack.
It'II cover more.
Great eats, Diane.
Did you enjoy your rognons de veau aux chanterelles? Was that the green stuff? No.
That was the brown stuff.
That green stuff kind of repeats on you.
- I'm dreadfuIIy sorry.
- Quite aII right.
WeII, I am gonna check some scores out on the tube here, I think.
You know, I went to a Iot of troubIe with this meaI.
So did I.
I'm joking.
It was wonderfuI.
Thank you very much.
It's a pIeasure to cook for a gourmand.
- Sam, what's happening to us? - Are you repeating too? A IittIe, but that's not what I'm taIking about.
We're becoming humdrum.
I teII you what.
After my meaI settIes here, I'II attack you.
WeII, you may be in the mood earIier than you think.
Make yourseIf comfortabIe.
I'II take care of something in the other room.
- Who's there? - Me.
Who's there? - Coach? - No, I'm Coach.
- What are you doing here, Coach? - At Ieast we got that straight.
We aImost had the most incredibIe disaster.
Look at this TV guide.
''Thunder Road''.
We haven't missed a Mitchum movie together in over 1 2 years.
- We don't wanna miss the beginning.
- Mitchum won't start without us.
- We're gonna need munchies.
- Diane's got some.
WhiIe you're up, turn down the Iights.
There's a terribIe gIare on the screen.
Take me, you barbarian.
You're gonna miss ''Thunder Road''.
- What happened? - Nothing yet.
They're going up the road.
No, with Diane.
Hey, Diane, you aII right? What is Coach doing here? He's watching ''Thunder Road''.
We aIways watch Mitchum movies together.
It's a bad time right now.
I know, but it's a tradition that goes back with us for years.
He's our favourite actor.
Never do we miss his movies.
I came out of the bedroom and I was so embarrassed with how I was dressed.
Come in here.
I'II show you what I mean.
Come on.
Coach, scram.
What? - What's wrong? - Sam.
- A IittIe tact.
- I'm sorry.
Coach, Iisten.
What? Diane and I had this speciaI evening going here.
She just fixed me a meaI with aII my favourite coIours.
Changed into something friIIy.
And I come barging in.
I wasn't even thinking.
Diane, forgive me.
I never wanted to get in your way.
Thank you for understanding.
When you Iive aIone, you forget other peopIe have Iives.
- Are you feeIing what I'm feeIing? - Yeah.
Poor Coach.
We have so many hours together, I guess it's kind of seIfish not to spend a IittIe time with him.
- You're right.
I'II get him.
- Bet you can catch him on the steps.
- Why are you standing there? - My coat got caught in the door.
I didn't have the heart to bother you again.
Good night.
No, Coach, come here.
You are gonna watch ''Thunder Road'' with us.
Sit down.
- You mean it? - You bet.
Come on over.
I've never seen it.
TeII me what's happened.
I know every Iine in this picture.
Here's my favourite part.
When I'm in charge of the bar, I know what God feeIs Iike.
- How's that? - I'm in controI of peopIe's destinies.
I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick.
Or I can water them down so they pay for nothing.
Or if I don't Iike their attitudes, I can spit in it.
You're not stiII upset about that argument we had the other day? You teII me.
I'm sorry about this morning when I caIIed you a sawed-off witch.
I'm Sam MaIone.
Maybe you remember me before we became a threesome.
Yes, I recognise you now.
- You shaved off your Pantusso.
- That's it.
- I know.
- I can't take it any more.
- We never go anypIace without Coach.
- I don't invite him.
He just shows up.
- What are we gonna do? - Right now, we're gonna sit in my office.
We're gonna Iook into each other's eyes, aII aIone.
That sounds so wonderfuI.
Where have you been? Coach, I'm sorry.
I oversIept.
We were up Iate Iast night watching - ''Mothra Versus GodziIIa''.
- Was I disappointed in that.
We've got to draw the Iine.
No way can we spend the evening with Coach.
You're absoIuteIy right.
Are we gonna get together tonight? - You bet.
- Great.
AII right.
There's onIy one soIution to this probIem.
We have to teII the Coach to stop hanging around with us.
Diane's right.
TeII Coach you don't want him around.
That's the honest approach.
Or to make it easier on Coach, rip out his heart and do a tap-dance on it.
- I got it here.
- What? Make him think you got a bad disease.
Get reaI skinny, and you paint your faces white and pasty.
WaIk around Iooking Iike you're gonna throw up.
You'd better hurry up.
Diane's got a head start.
Coach Iikes you guys.
Take him off our hands for tonight, pIease.
We don't want Coach getting in the way when we're hustIing chicks.
Sorry I asked.
It's against my beIiefs to heIp things go smoothIy with the squawk box there, but since Coach is invoIved, I'm gonna bend the ruIes.
I know he has a crush on a teIIer at his bank.
- Are you sure? - He taIks about her a Iot.
I don't know her name, but she couId take him off your hands.
That's good.
What do you say? It's worth a try.
I think Coach wouId be embarrassed by a bIind date.
We'II pretend she's my friend and it'II Iook Iike a chance meeting.
Coach, maybe you can heIp me out here.
- I want a new bank.
You Iike yours? - I Iove it.
Bay Harbor Savings and Loan.
- Do you Iike the teIIers? - They're terrific.
Is there one I shouId taIk to? FriendIy, nice, cute? Frank.
Who's the one you aIways taIk to? Redhead with a nice smiIe who aIways winks? - Yeah.
- That's Frank.
Isn't there a woman that you Iike at the bank there? Edwina.
Edwina at Bay Harbor Savings and Loan? - She's a friend of mine.
- Then you shouId know Frank.
They're married.
Who's the one you said was a nice Iady Iast Thursday? - Thursday.
- SteIIa.
That's my friend.
No, not SteIIa.
I'm not too crazy about SteIIa.
- I meant Dorothy.
- Yes, so did I.
- Dorothy is the one you Iike, right? - She's very nice.
Excuse me.
But not as nice as JuIia.
That's the grocery store.
At the bank, nobody beats Sandra.
That's my friend.
- What is it? - Not Sandra, it's Anita.
I'II take this.
- Wrong girI, Coach? - No.
Wrong bank.
WeII, Katherine, didn't you Iove that meaI? It was very nice.
I'm gIad we had Coach aIong.
An ItaIian knows what to order in an ItaIian restaurant.
It was wonderfuI.
What was that dish caIIed? Spaghetti for four.
They've got a better one, though, spaghetti for six, but you need more peopIe.
I'II make coffee.
Make yourseIves at home.
There you go.
You know something? I can't get over the fact Diane knew Katherine, my favourite teIIer at First FideIity.
WeII, it's a smaII worId, I guess, Coach.
And she seems to know everybody in every bank I've deaIt with.
You know how friendIy she is.
How did you and Katherine come to meet? - The Ioan desk.
- The drop That's aII right, honey.
Sometimes I forget things too.
Or do I? Coach, you tickIe me.
Are you aIways this funny? I doubt it.
So, Katherine, what's new and exciting in the worId of high finance? Nothing that I know of.
My most exciting moment is catching someone pIaying with their Iips on cIosed circuit TV.
I knew you Iooked famiIiar.
Hang on a moment.
WeII, I think banking is fascinating.
There are so many facets.
So many things I've wondered about.
- Me too, you know? - Like what? TeIIers never teII you anything.
They aIways ask questions.
There's nothing interesting about interest.
It's boring.
The trust department have pens chained to tabIes.
What kind of trust is that? - There he goes again.
You're too much.
- A IittIe giddy, but nice.
Look at the time.
I've got to get up at the crack of dawn.
What a wonderfuI evening.
I'II take a rain check on coffee.
It is getting kinda Iate.
Can I see you get home OK? Thanks.
I'd Iike that.
Good night, Diane.
Thank you.
- Good night, Sam.
- Good night.
- Good night.
We'II do it again.
- AbsoIuteIy.
This shows that sticky situations are best handIed with Iies and trickery.
And now for a IittIe romance.
A IittIe hug.
A IittIe kiss.
- A IittIe Coach.
- Excuse me.
I thought you were gonna show Katherine home.
I showed her where the bus stop is.
You probabIy didn't notice, but she had the hots for me.
What's wrong with that? She's nice, but she doesn't fit in with us.
Like a fourth wheeI.
I need cookies.
- What do we do now? - It's time to teII the truth.
- Good.
- I'II handIe this.
- Coach, get out here.
- Want one? No.
I'm gonna teII you something, and I don't care if it hurts your feeIings.
What is it? Diane doesn't want you hanging around us any more.
What? That's not true.
Sam doesn't want you around.
I Iove having you around.
I Iove having him around more than you.
I'd rather have him around than you.
- WeII, fine.
- Don't sneak around me Iike this.
AII right.
PIease stop.
Kids, hoId on, pIease.
I'm beginning to see the Iight here.
- You don't have the guts to teII me.
- I do, Diane doesn't.
What is it? Say it.
Come on.
Say it.
When you were a drunk and nobody toId you, I toId you, didn't I? - Over and over again.
- You reaIIy were a drunk.
I know.
- I mean, you were reaIIy a drunk.
- Don't start again.
Is our friendship so weak that we can't come out teII each other the truth? You're right.
We just don't want you hanging around us so much.
If you don't want me, it's fine.
I'm not mad.
It's fine.
I'II see you.
But you reaIIy were a drunk.
- Morning, Norm.
- Where the heck have you been? - Is my watch fast? - Sorry.
We had a difficuIt evening.
We had to teII Coach we didn't want to see him any more.
It was terribIe.
Worse than we feared.
We spent haIf the night arguing about who was to bIame.
- Morning, everybody.
- How are you today, Norman? As if you cared.
Coach didn't take weII to getting the oId heave-ho.
He was destroyed.
He tried to cover, but there was no masking the pain Sam infIicted on his deepest being.
Don't start again.
You did most of the taIking.
What difference does it make who did it? The point is Coach has been crushed.
We have to Iive with that.
EspeciaIIy you.
- It was your idea.
You insisted.
- That's the most Listen.
I wanna know which one of you two kids got the idea to throw me out Iast night.
Come on.
I wanna know right now.
Come on.
What difference does it make whose fauIt it was? It's done.
We both have to share the bIame.
Yes, the important thing is that we showed you our feeIings.
- Honesty was our onIy recourse.
- AbsoIuteIy.
It was a mutuaI decision.
Whoever it was, I wanna thank them from the bottom of my heart.
Because I caught up with Katherine at the bus stop and I took her home, got to know her and she's the most wonderfuI woman.
I haven't been this happy in years.
That's wonderfuI.
You don't know how happy we are.
And the fact that we had anything to do with it makes this feeI even better.
Just think of it as the two of us being abIe to do something for you.
Say, Normie, aren't they a wonderfuI coupIe? EngIish ( en)