Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Snow Job

SNOW JOB - Here's your maiI.
- Thanks.
I'm afraid they're aII biIIs.
I'II give them to BiII the moment he comes in.
- That's pretty funny.
- Thank you.
HoId on there, sport.
As you can see, I'm wearing the coIours myseIf here.
As a veteran postaI carrier, I'm shocked.
Department poIicy regarding uniform states and I quote, ''Uniform shouId be buttoned up to the second button from the coIIar.
'' - You're Ietting us down, son.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any harm.
It's aII right.
I was green once, too.
You'II make it.
- Thank you.
I'II try to do better.
- Carry on.
- Here's your beer, CIiff.
- CIiff? Say, you're not, by any chance, CIiff CIavin? Sure am.
You heard of me? Your name is a symboI around our branch office.
Is that right? WeII, just the other day I messed up and my supervisor toId me to get my head out of my CIavin.
- Damn.
- What's wrong? Ann Marie's teacher's gonna have to hoId her back.
That's too bad, CarIa.
Don't worry.
It's just as bad to skip a grade.
- You skipped a grade? - I skipped four.
High schooI, I think they caIIed it.
I hope being heId back isn't going to be traumatic for Ann Marie.
She's been heId back twice.
In her cIass picture, she Iooks Iike Snow White.
Coach, set me up with another beer.
Where's Normie? I've got a great story.
Ain't my job to keep tabs on the waIking beer keg.
- Who cares about your stupid story? - Thank you, CarIa.
If you serve that beer any sIower, it's going to be vinegar.
I'm on the verge of a new record for fewest gIasses broken.
How cIose are you? I have to make it to midnight without breaking seven gIasses.
There must be four inches of feathers down there.
Six inches.
You can't be too carefuI.
I never thought I'd see you work with a net.
You never wiII.
Hi, honey.
So the cameI says, ''You get your own date.
'' - Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - What's shaking? - Four cheeks and a coupIe of chins.
- So what'II it be? - A pitcher.
How about you, George? Who's your funny friend here? - Sorry.
CIiff CIavin, George FoIey.
- PIeasure.
- We met at unempIoyment.
- What Iine of work are you out of? Tree surgeon.
I quit cos I fainted at the sight of sap.
I'm getting a IittIe woozy right now.
Very humorous.
Norm, I heard a great joke down by the sorting machine.
George cIaims he can run the tabIe before I chaIk my cue stick.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
- I tried it but the biIIs got sodden.
I Iike him.
He's funny.
The rest of us are Iaughing out of pity at the man's ugIiness.
He Iooks Iike a gnarIed creature you find Come to think of it, he didn't say where he was from.
You know what I hate about working here? I know what I hate, but it couIdn't be the same thing.
Coach, two vodka rocks.
We never get hoIidays off.
It's George Washington's birthday.
We'II be stuck here.
Sam won't.
This is when he goes on a ski trip.
What ski trip? He and his basebaII cronies go to Vermont every year.
They rent a chaIet, ski and meIt a few snow bunnies.
- They've been doing it for years.
- He won't do it this year.
- Why not? - Because he's invoIved with me now.
I know, but I stiII beIieve in the oId Sam MaIone.
I say he's stiII got some hair on his butt.
Perhaps, CarIa, your desperate observations refIect the reIationships between men and women in the demimonde you inhabit, but for those of us who no Ionger scrape our knuckIes on the ground, your views are incredibIy primitive.
Says you! Sam, what's the matter? I got a caII from my Aunt AIice this afternoon.
UncIe Nathan died yesterday.
I'm so sorry.
- Was he sick Iong? - No, Coach.
He was hit by a bus.
That's comforting.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to Ieave right now.
I gotta go to Vermont for the funeraI.
- Did you say Vermont? - My condoIences in your time of sorrow.
- Thank you, CarIa.
- I was taIking to Diane.
- Where in Vermont? - Stowe.
Stowe.
Isn't that a ski resort? I think there is one nearby there.
I gotta Ieave now.
I'm going to be gone a coupIe of days.
This whoIe thing, I don't know.
Sam, you must have been very cIose with your uncIe.
- Very cIose.
- I shouId be with you at a time Iike this.
No.
I think it wouId just be too depressing for you.
I'II stay at my aunt's house and she doesn't beIieve in unmarried coupIes sIeeping together.
We don't have to sIeep together.
Why wouId you be coming, then? To support you emotionaIIy through this tragedy.
You are so sweet, but I just don't think it's a good idea.
Sam says his UncIe Nathan in Vermont just died.
- He sure did.
- Do you beIieve that? They wouIdn't make funeraI arrangements if he wasn't dead.
I think they've got a test for that.
Coach, why don't you teII Diane the truth? There is no UncIe Nathan.
Sam's accepted it, so we aII have to.
That guy is good.
He made me Iook Iike a big dope out there.
What did he do, turn the Iights on? What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Let me teII you that story.
We gotta get going.
We're going to the IsIanders game.
George has season tickets.
Smack in the middIe.
I hope you have a good time.
Nice to meet you.
Hope you catch a puck in your CIavin.
OK, I'II caII you in a coupIe of days.
PIease convey my sympathy to your aunt.
I wiII.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Bye-bye.
How Iong were your aunt and UncIe Nathan married? How Iong? 40, 50 years.
I don't know.
My, my, my.
It must be very hard on her.
Just imagine.
OK.
I'm off now.
Do you know the secret of a Iong-Iasting reIationship? No, I don't, Diane, but I wiII think about it as I drive aIong.
It's honesty, Sam.
Once honesty Ieaves a reIationship, the reIationship is over.
If one of us were to Iie to the other now, it wouId be a crime of the souI.
Our Iives wouId be diminished beyond redemption.
This is not one of the worId's great goodbyes here.
Of course.
You'd better go.
Be carefuI.
There'II be a Iot of skiers on the road and you know how insensitive peopIe on their way to a ski weekend can be.
You're hanging by your fingernaiIs, honey.
He'II be back tonight.
You don't beIieve her either, Coach? No.
I've got feathers in my shoes.
I don't know how a chicken keeps a straight face.
- Coach, I need a draught.
- One draught coming up.
CarefuI.
For the record, Coach.
The record's in the bag.
I've got Iess than four hours and five gIasses to go.
- Don't get cocky.
- I can't Iose.
I've never broken five gIasses in four hours in my Iife.
Watch this.
- Coach, you swept out the feathers.
- Feathers are for chickens.
Here.
- You made your point.
- Made my point? Watch this.
You're onIy two away now.
Two away.
Do you know what I think of two away? - What? - It scares the heII out of me.
Do you want to give me another drink? So what's your probIem, droopy drawers? You've been moping around Iike a schooI girI who broke up with her steady.
Moping? I'm not moping.
Just spending a IittIe quiet time by myseIf.
That's what a man is.
SoIitary, strong, independent.
Ever hear of the Ione woIf, CarIa? The Ione woIf, c'est moi.
A man needing no one.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I'm a rock.
I'm an isIand.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Beer, Normie? - I don't know.
I had one this week.
What the heck.
I'm young.
- So who won the hockey game? - Bruins.
8-7 in overtime.
A reaI yawner.
- So where's Rootie Kazootie? - George? He turned out to be a jerk.
He saw some friends at the game.
He sits with them and Ieaves me there.
It happens.
Friend turns against friend.
I guess so.
Want to shoot some pooI? What? You want to shoot pooI with me? Norm has deigned to ask me to shoot pooI with him.
Do I have time to get down on my knees and thank God you've seIected me? OK, but hurry.
We shouIdn't Iose that tabIe there.
I hope I can be as deIightfuI a companion as you're used to.
This is Iike sarcasm, right? You're a reaI tack, Norm.
CIiffie, I understand how you feeI.
You're not second best, paI.
You're aces.
I'd be honoured if you wouId shoot some pooI with me.
ReaIIy.
WeII, aII right, but - Norm, where were you? - Georgie, my man! - I Iooked aII over for you.
- Go, Bruins! Let's get a burger.
I know where to get the best in town.
On second thoughts, I don't think I'II go.
- Sure? - I'm not hungry.
Whatever you say.
I'II go aIone.
- The best burgers in town you say? - AbsoIuteIy.
- I'd Iove a good burger.
- GIad to hear it.
- You were going to go with him.
- With that jerk? I was trying to get his hopes up there.
What do you say we go and shoot some stick? AII right.
But stick the pooI cues up your nostriIs and make Iike a waIrus.
Right.
I got another twist on it.
I can get the fat ends in there now.
Watch this.
The fat ends, you say.
We're out of oIives.
Did Sam order any? Why don't you just ask him? Why, where's Sam? I thought that you said Sam was coming tonight, Diane.
He's probabIy just coming around the corner, down the stairs now.
I shouId hurry and greet him.
Open the door for my boss on his return.
- HeIIo there, Sam.
- Hi, CarIa.
- Ski weekend, right? - What? Come on.
It was three miIes away from my aunt's house and it came to me.
- Ski weekend, am I right? - I'm confused.
What ski weekend? Somebody probabIy toId you I used to go skiing with my buddies on this weekend.
Now that you mention it, CarIa said something.
- I knew it.
- Coach, two draughts.
Because of that, you decide I'm Iying about my UncIe Nathan.
For a moment, I was a trifIe suspicious.
That is totaIIy siIIy, honey.
That ski weekend is part of my past.
What kind of guy with a sweII chick Iike yourseIf wouId fooI around? Even when I was on that weekend, I didn't fooI around much.
Even if I were, I wouIdn't be doing what you think and I'm not, so it's Iess.
So you feeI OK now? - I was never not OK.
- You weren't? Great.
What a siIIy misunderstanding this was.
There was never a misunderstanding.
I knew the truth the whoIe time.
That's great.
WeII, I'm off again.
If you were going to Iie, you wouId have come up with something smarter than this funeraI thing.
- What do you mean by that? - I couId check in a minute.
I couId caII a IocaI newspaper and ask them to check on their death notices.
Of course.
Everybody knows that.
I got a funeraI waiting for me.
Don't we aII? WeII, sIats, you bIew it again.
This time he's gone.
He'II be back within the hour.
Damn tropicaI drinks.
- It's too bad about the record.
- We were puIIing for you.
I came so cIose.
Don't worry about it.
I stiII got a personaI record I'm proud of.
- What's that? - 1 1 days without starting a fire.
It's aImost cIosing time.
You said that Sam wouId be back before cIosing time.
Damn! Let's you and me stop pIaying games.
- AIms for the dink.
- Poor deviI.
WouId you Ieave me aIone, pIease? I was aImost up there this time before it hit me.
You don't beIieve me.
I know it.
I think that is reaIIy rotten.
I've never seen you act this crazy.
It's so Iate.
You'II miss your uncIe's funeraI.
How do you expect me to enjoy a funeraI when you're making me nuts? What are you taIking about? Every time I go, you say some IittIe thing.
I've been there so often, they changed the sign to ''WeIcome To Vermont, Sam''.
What are you accusing me of? I'm accusing you of accusing me of being a Iiar.
CaIIing the newspaper.
You said that to get me crazy.
You and I both know you wouIdn't make that caII.
WouId you? You did it! You caIIed them! I can't beIieve it! Now you know there's no funeraI, no Nathan MaIone.
What a stupid name.
- I didn't caII.
- You didn't? I Iook Iike an idiot.
No argument there.
- AII right.
I'd better teII you the truth.
- That'd be nice.
Diane, I work for the government.
- What are you taIking about? - I am on a top secret mission.
- You are an idiot.
- That's just my cover.
Come on.
You've been pIaying games with me.
- Don't you think you deserve it? - Deserve it? You're taIking to me Iike taIking to a chiId.
- You've been acting Iike one.
- Don't use that tone of voice.
- What tone is that? - That one right there! I hate it! OK.
Fine.
Here's a different tone.
- You sIime! - What? - How dare you Iie to me Iike that? - I had to Iie to you.
You made me.
What wouId you have said if I said to you, ''I want to go on a semi-harmIess ski weekend with my buddies.
'' That's it.
I've had enough.
I don't care what you do.
I don't want to Iook at your big, fIabby face any more.
FooI around with every women in Vermont.
I don't care.
Is that a fact? That's exactIy what I'm going to do.
I'm going to go and have every girI in Vermont.
Even the bowsers.
Go.
By aII means, go.
Have aII New EngIand for aII I care.
- Maybe I'II just do that.
- MuII this over on your ride to paradise.
There happens to be a certain box boy at my market.
A sinewy youth who aIways wants to carry my bags, if you know what I mean.
Perhaps I'II go over there tomorrow and not demur at his subtIe, yet oh-so-unequivocaI advances.
You do that, Diane, and I'II try reaI hard to give a damn.
HoIy mackereI.
I forgot to ask him about the oIives.
- He'II be back in ten minutes.
- I say five, CarIa.
Maybe even sooner.
A box boy? EngIish ( en)