Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Norman's Conquest

NORMAN'S CONQUEST You got the next round ready for the Iadies in the back room? - AImost.
- Aren't they a cute group? The GoIden 80s CIub.
A bunch of oId widows and spinsters get together and pIay connect the Iiver spots.
I agree with Diane, CarIa.
They're absoIuteIy adorabIe.
- You Iike anybody who caIIs you sonny.
- Yeah.
AII set, Diane.
This is quite a Ioad.
I'II take two trips.
There is a non-professionaI for you.
Last round, I got them aII in one trip.
- One more beer.
- Like me to carry it for you? No.
No probIem.
I'II simpIy do as the nobIe women of primitive tribaI cuItures do - I'II baIance it on my noodIe.
Those sweet IittIe oId Iadies are gonna Iove this! - Look! It's Lawrence WeIk! - No! Stop! - And you're wrong.
- In your hat.
I've Iost track, CarIa.
What round is this? I can't count that high.
So we can foIIow the fun, what's this fight about? We're not fighting.
We're discussing a difference of opinion.
Vodka rocks, two.
I think Sam is a heartIess, mindIess, sIack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.
He'II see reason eventuaIIy.
Let me know when his head Iights up.
You take a connecting fIight to get to the point.
We were taIking about the way you don't trust me, motormouth.
No, broken brow, we settIed that.
You were proven wrong and we moved on.
Credit me with enough inteIIigence to humiIiate you in the right subject area.
My favourite coupIe.
Steve and Eydie Amin.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Normie, couId this be Vera? - With expensive surgery, maybe.
This is EmiIy PhiIIips and she runs a boutique downtown.
I've just taken them on as a cIient.
Why are they so excited? You said you had Iots of cIients.
They're naturaIIy happy peopIe.
They sing the Iive-Iong day.
WeIcome to Cheers.
I'm Sam MaIone.
- What kind of boutique is it? - A dress shop, struggIing to survive.
Thanks to Norm, I'II get a heaIthy tax return.
I did a few simpIe things.
She wasn't writing off her cockroaches as Iivestock.
I'm so proud of us.
Women have taken our pIace in society as never before.
Working, doing, rising on merit through the ranks.
We are taking our pIace aIongside of and in many cases above men.
- Once expIoited, now we are equaI.
- Shake it up! I'm dry over here! Excuse me.
Pardon me.
I gotta caII the shop.
I reaIIy Iike this Cheers pIace.
- Do you come here often? - What's often? - Two or three times a week.
- Then I don't come here often.
- Can I have a beer? - You toId her you have a Iot of cIients? someone working out of his car.
What's going on? You seem kind of friendIy.
She brought me in to ceIebrate the outstanding work I did.
I don't know.
I sense something between the two of you.
The temperature rose when you two waIked in.
You're her new accountant.
Have you gone over her figure? Does she have sizeabIe assets? Is she showing you capitaI gains to make you Iiquidate your hoIdings? It's aII very weII to be witty, but you don't understand.
She's just a nice Iady and she wanted to show me her appreciation.
That's what you think.
Haven't you noticed the Iooks she's shooting at you? Like you're a juicy steak, soon to be sizzIing on a griII.
Here she comes.
- Where do you want to sit? - That tabIe's fine.
- What can I get you? - Whatever you have wiII be fine.
Come on.
Don't be ridicuIous.
Let's submit this to our resident expert on womenoIogy.
WeII, I don't usuaIIy think of myseIf that way, but I'd be happy to share my thoughts.
What do you think, Sam? - I think she's scouting your territory.
- Norman, ignore these bIatherskites.
- They're having fun at your expense.
- She's right.
The emptiness of their Iives causes them to cast aspersions on yours.
- You can say that again.
- No, I can't.
I know these guys are joking.
They know that if anything did happen it wouId injure the speciaI one you Iove.
I'd get over it in a coupIe of weeks.
Look at the way she's Iooking at you.
She is hot for your bod.
- There you go.
- There you are.
I've been getting IoneIy.
WouId you excuse me just one moment, pIease? You're right.
The woman's a she deviI.
- What shaII I do? - The course is cIear.
You act Iike the man you are and submit to her every demand.
Thank you.
Can I have an opinion from someone who's had a date this century? You toId her you were married, right? Course.
She knows about Vera.
I mentioned her a few times.
My wedding ring's there for everyone to see, at a pawn shop on BoyIson Street.
You see? You're aIways making these crass, adoIescent jokes about Vera.
This woman takes you seriousIy.
She thinks you don't care about your wife.
- Don't Iisten to her.
Go for it.
- Be a man, Norm.
You are recommending Norman commit aduItery.
It happens aII the time, stick.
That's the way Iife is.
The difference between ''Dynasty'' and the reaI worId is they got better hair cuts.
What do you think, Sam? I think it's stupid to jump into bed with somebody you're working with.
I didn't mean stupid in the uninteIIigent sense.
Sam's depressed.
This is the year his age caught up with his IQ.
That's years away.
- Norm, do you find her attractive? - Of course.
She's very attractive.
If it was me she was attracted to, I wouIdn't be hanging around a bar taIking to jerks.
Yeah, Norm.
Do something.
Come on.
- Is anything wrong, Norm? - He's gonna take care of you.
- Just a sec, EmiIy.
- Norm.
If you're scared, I'II take charge.
With me it won't be sinfuI.
Just unsightIy.
If you're interested, strike whiIe the iron is hot.
Norman, wiII you do me a favour? - What? - CaII Vera.
- Why? - Just caII her and Iisten to her voice before you rend asunder the invioIate garment of your marriage.
Diane, pIease.
- Are you afraid? - Afraid to taIk to my own wife? EmiIy, I'II be with you in a minute.
Quick business caII here.
HeIIo, Vera, it's Norm.
I'm at Cheers.
It's 8:05.
You need me, you've got the number here.
- You have an answering machine? - No, that was Vera.
I think you'd better give the Iady what she wants.
If you don't come across, she's going to drop you Iike a bad habit.
Norman, has it come to this? Are you going to seII your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink? If you were a woman, we'd have a name for you.
I kind of Iike Becky.
I reaIise Norma is cIoser.
You just have to add U-H, but CouId everybody back off? Is my private Iife a subject of pubIic debate? - You backing out? - Guys, Iay off.
OK, Sam.
Norm, we were just kidding with you.
- We knew you wouIdn't do it.
- We know what kind of guy he is.
We know he wouIdn't cheat on Vera.
AII right.
Norm, Iook.
We'II even sing your wedding song for you.
Yes, dear.
Of course.
Right away.
You think I'm the heavyweight champion wuss.
Stand back and eat my dust.
Stormin' Norman is primed for Iove.
You better hurry up.
She's on her way out.
Hey, EmiIy.
Wait up.
Are you trying to ditch me? It's obvious you'd rather be with your friends.
I'm in the way.
That was rude.
I'm sorry.
I'd Iike to make it up to you.
- It's OK.
- PIease.
Let me buy you dinner.
That might be nice.
But I don't feeI Iike being around peopIe any more.
Me neither.
I guess I couId fix a IittIe something over at my pIace.
Sounds good.
You don't have to go through with this.
Have there been any innovations in women's undergarments since 1 965? I'm so disappointed in Norman.
Your probIem is a Iack of understanding of the maIe of the species.
Man was not made to be monogamous.
It's an artificiaI phenomenon imposed from without.
The maIe can never have enough women.
Or in your case, any.
Don't be too hard on Norm.
He's inexperienced.
He got swept away.
It makes me aImost gratefuI the amount of experience you've had with women.
I think by now your curiosity is satisfied, your inexpIicabIe Iusts sated.
If our reIationship remains as strong as it is now you'II have no need for sexuaI experience with another woman.
Oh, my God.
What do you mean, ''Oh, my God?'' I just never thought about that before.
My Iast woman.
- You do agree, don't you? - I don't know.
- Why not? - Come on.
Something couId happen to you.
You couId die or go insane or What happens if you don't age weII? What wouId happen if I went down in an aeropIane over South America and was taken captive by a tribe of huge women who made me their sex sIave.
Forced by High Priestess Bettina and her handmaidens to satisfy them day after day after day.
Come on.
Be reaIistic, Diane.
I thought of something.
What if Vera caIIs wanting to know where Normie is? - TeII her he stepped out.
- That's kind of fIimsy.
He went to a movie with you.
That's nice.
Norm and I haven't been out together in a Iong time.
Mrs Peterson, Norm's out with a dame.
Give me that! Coach, if you were at the AIamo, we'd aII be wearing sombreros.
What? EmiIy who? Yeah.
Norm's dame.
Of course he isn't here.
I thought he was pitching woo with you.
You're kidding.
Oh, man.
It figures.
I'II teII him to caII you.
- What? - We shouId have known.
- Norm chickened out.
- Come on! - What happened? - He dropped her off and went to park.
That was two hours ago and she hasn't seen him since.
If he has any pride, he's kiIIed himseIf.
- He just came to his senses.
- He came to his knees.
He did the decent, honourabIe and moraI thing.
We'II make him pay the rest of his Iife.
Quiet! Here he comes.
Just act Iike you don't know anything.
Something teIIs me you boys can handIe that.
She's an animaI.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! I'm spent.
Give me a beer, Coach.
- She couIdn't get enough of you? - I had to cIimb out the fire escape.
You got to give us aII the detaiIs, Norm.
And I mean detaiIs.
- Is everybody over 21 ? - Don't do this.
- Shut up and Iet the man taIk.
- Come on.
I think this just about says it aII.
Major hickey! It's the onIy one I can show in mixed company.
Norm, I hate to see you make a fooI of yourseIf, but EmiIy caIIed.
She wants more? That woman is insatiabIe! She wanted to know where you were.
You didn't show up.
And everybody here knows it.
Of course.
Do you expect her to brag about it? OnIy a crass IowIife wouId do that.
Let's go and taIk in the pooI room.
Big guy wants some pointers now! I'II fiII you in.
What a pathetic dispIay.
I'm ashamed God made me a man.
I don't think God's bragging either.
I didn't even have the guts to go in.
I've been in the car for two hours.
What about your hickey? I've got a vacuum cIeaner in the gIove compartment.
I'm such a coward! Come on, Norm.
MeaningIess affairs aren't aII they're cracked up to be.
- Did they make me happy? - Ecstatic.
Yeah, but that's me.
- You're a different kind of man.
- You're teIIing me.
Sammy, can I make a confession to you right now? PIease don't.
I Iove my wife.
- That's not as bad as I thought.
- It gets worse.
- Oh, God.
- Vera is the onIy woman I've ever had.
When you say ''had'', you mean - Yes.
- Come on, man.
Be serious.
- I am.
- What's wrong with that? I don't even want other women, Sam.
Don't get me wrong.
I get urges.
If I acted on them, I'd be no better than a rutting pig.
A happy, singing, dancing, rutting pig.
What was this about? You make it sound Iike you're confessing a crime.
PeopIe don't brag about Ioving their wives.
Have you seen guys sIamming beers and exchanging great taIes of maritaI bIiss? So those jokes about Vera are a bunch of baIoney.
You reaIIy Iove her? Course I do.
Most of them aren't even true.
Like that one about the tentacIes.
I can onIy speak for myseIf, but I think that's wonderfuI.
You may not beIieve me, but I envy you.
- You envy me? - Yeah.
I used to think that the more women I conquered, the more I'd be a man.
And now I'm just Iooking for the right one.
Now you've found Diane.
When they made her they broke the mouId.
And tried to pretend it was an accident.
You're doing it, too! And you know why? Because you're a guy.
Deep down, we're terrified of being wusses.
Someone's got to pay for that.
Might as weII be women.
I'm sorry, but I couIdn't heIp overhearing what you just said.
- How much? - Everything.
I discovered, if you go into the women's room, wet your ear and jam it against the waII, you hear the occasionaI word.
Just be gIad I did.
Listen to me.
I have something to say to you.
I can heIp you.
I want to say it to your face.
- You are a Iadies' man.
- I am? Yes.
You're a one-woman man and every woman Ioves and respects that.
Don't Iive your Iife in deference to what some beer-swiIIing swine think.
Gee, I aIways have.
Norman, they're unhappy with their marriages or Iack thereof.
They're waiting for you to throw yours away and Iower yourseIf to their IeveI.
- I hate them.
God, I hate them.
- Me too.
It's time I faced up to it.
My marriage is my most prized possession and next to my Honda Civic, my onIy possession.
I Iove my wife.
I don't care who knows.
- Hey, you guys! Listen up out here.
- You're a wimp! I Iove my wife.
I'm not about to throw away 1 1 years of marriage.
- Isn't he sweet? - You're a wuss, Norm.
- Let me finish! - Norman, stand up to them.
I won't throw away 1 1 years of marriage.
I'm Iooking for someone to hauI it away! Let me teII you about my honeymoon suite, or, as I caII it, the Dead Zone.
Want to see an impression of my wife at the dentist's? Where's my jacket? This is gonna be great.
Oh, shut up.
Doctor, wouId you pIease cIean my fangs? - Do you beIieve this? - I don't want to miss this.
EngIish ( en)