Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Coach in Love (1)

COACH IN LOVE Last call.
- Will you wake Norm? - It's not necessary.
One more and I'm a memory.
- Coming right up.
- How long was I asleep? Couple of hours.
You dropped off during Cliff's travelogue.
Lucky you.
Any subject you bring up, he uses as an opening.
At least before he went to Florida he was boring on a wide range of topics.
- Cool it, he's coming.
- Don't you say anything.
Hey, look at this.
He is risen.
He was snoring away for quite a while there, wasn't he, Carla? Well, another day shot.
I'll slip off to the hciend and close the peepers.
- Good night.
- Later.
It's not really later in Florida.
It's a popular misconception.
It's Eastern Standard Daylight Time down there, too.
Speaking of time, it stops still in the Everglades.
They have huge gators.
That's what those familiar with Florida call alligators.
They have huge gators and crocs.
You know what a croc is? Oh, yeah.
The first morning there was crystalline.
As I stepped out of the hydrofoil, the captain, Billy Bob Dupre, asked me not to bring the beach umbrella.
It got caught in the prop - Hi, I'm here.
Better late than never.
- That wouldn't be my choice.
- Sorry, Sam.
Traffic was awful.
- That's OK.
What have we got here? Just some things some things you forgot a few months ago.
To be opened later privately and very discretely.
My pants! Where did you find them, in your bedroom? A little louder for the people in the Ukraine who didn't hear.
There's more.
How did you get along without your Snoopy toothbrush? Nice, Sammy.
Mr Tooth Decay better watch out now, Sam.
Four out of five dentists rate this right at the top.
I trust you'll return the favour.
I may have left things at your place.
- I'm sure I left my beige sweater.
- No problem.
But you can keep that hand puppet you loved.
- Hand puppet? - Yes, Brian the Lion.
Oh, yeah.
Brian the Lion.
You were touched that I gave you something from my childhood.
Yes, extremely.
I'll give you five bucks to run out right now.
- You got it.
- No, take this Brian? By golly, in this light, it does look a little bit like Brian.
Brian the Lion, a bar rag? You are the most insensitive boob I have had the misfortune to run across.
It wasn't meant to work out between me and Brian.
I wasn't cut out to be a puppeteer.
That's got to be a tough thing for a man to admit in public.
Oh, come on.
Come on, please, Diane.
Don't be mad at me.
Please? - Well - Please? - I guess I'm overreacting.
- Good, then how about a little kiss? - OK.
- And put some tongue in it.
That'll be five bucks for my mad dash.
What was that all about? Brian the Lion was my dearest childhood pal.
Then being a grimy bar rag should be a step up.
It's a fact the word "Florida" comes from Okefenokee Indians and means "place where the old people come to sweat".
Sam, did you see the lady there in the green dress? - I'm going to marry her.
- Marry her? I'm going to marry her.
- What's her name? - I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
It's what we Italians call "the thunderbolt".
The same thing happened when I first laid eyes on my Angela.
- Aren't you jumping the gun a little? - Honest, I know what I know.
Norm, do you think I should go and introduce myself? I think it's best.
It eliminates that awkward first meeting at the altar.
Coach, that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard in this bar.
- Thank you, Diane.
- Wait.
What about when I invited you to my nude limbo party? - Christmas Eve was a bad time for it.
- Maybe so.
Trouble is, you're a little outnumbered over there.
You need somebody to run interference with her friend.
You're right.
Sam, would you go with me? Sam would have been my pick.
Coach, I'm going to be blunt.
Her friend's cute, but isn't what I'm looking for.
What's that, breakaway clothes? No, she just looks a little too tame for me, that's all.
Look at it from my point of view.
I only have so many nights.
I'd trade all of mine for one of yours.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Oh, yes.
I'd throw in my left lung, too.
Would you please come with me? - Boy, the things I do for you, Coach.
- Thank you, Sam.
I haven't done this in such a long time.
My hands are sweating.
Thank you, Sam.
I'll tell you what you used to tell me when I was nervous.
- What? - Blow it and I don't know you.
I should have written some of those things down.
Let's go.
Good evening.
My name's Sam Malone and this is my friend, Ernie Pantusso.
You can call him Coach.
We were wondering if you ladies could settle a bet for us.
Are you two sisters? My name's Irene Blanchard and this is my daughter, Sue Blanchard.
- How are you? - It's a pleasure to meet you.
We don't mean to intrude.
Are you waiting for your husbands? No, neither of us is married.
Well, I'll see what I can do about that.
- Would you care to join us? - Well, thank you, why not? - Are you out on the town? - No, we dropped by to rob the place.
Everybody do as they say and nobody will get hurt! That was a joke.
I really enjoy a sense of humour.
With me it's an absolute must.
Is that a player piano over there? Coach, that was not a joke.
Well, I like a serious side to someone, too.
- Yes, that is a player piano.
- Would you like to see it? I haven't seen one since I was a teenager.
- When was that, last summer? - Mr Pantusso, you're a sly one.
I could think you were trying to steal my heart.
I'd rather have it given to me.
Come on.
- I'm not going too fast for you, am I? - No.
I'm just waiting for an opening.
Opening? You could drive a truck through this one.
Well, here we are Man, woman.
Cool evening breeze, full moon.
Need I say more? Only if you want me to know what you're talking about.
Sorry, that was my cute way of inviting you to an evening of romance.
Well, that's a very tempting offer, but Mother and I haven't been out for months.
I understand.
Just my luck.
If you change your mind, there'll be a moonbeam with our name on it.
Ernie wants to take me to dinner at his favourite restaurant.
You and I have had dinner together every night this week.
Very funny book.
Don't wait up.
Sam, this is OK with you, isn't it? - Sam? Is this OK with you? - Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Don't worry.
I'll have her back by Thursday.
You did say you and Mom hadn't been out to dinner for months? Yes, I'm afraid I've been caught in a lie.
You were lying to get out of dating me? I'm sorry.
I was only trying to let you down easy.
You were trying to let me down easy? - Mr Malone, you're not my type.
- I'm not your type? - You're not adding a lot to this chat.
- I'm not adding a lot to this chat! Really, I'm sorry.
What can I say? The initial attraction just isn't there.
Hey, no problem.
Are you kidding me? I was just helping out my pal.
You're not my type either.
- No harm done.
- No, none.
There's nothing going on.
No magic, no spark, no reason to continue.
What are you doing tomorrow? I'm not doing anything tomorrow, but what does it matter? - I'm not interested in you.
- Right.
We established that.
Thursday? Friday? Saturday? Hey! I don't want to go out with you! OK, Norm, so he blew one.
He's not a god.
- He was to me.
- There, there.
My world doesn't make sense any more.
What went wrong? Boy, if you ask me, that girl's got a big problem.
You're right.
It's called good taste.
- There you go.
- That explains it.
It's the bottom of the ninth with two outs.
The Sox need a miracle here tonight.
- Carla, the Sox are rallying.
- I've sworn off those losers forever.
I am not interested.
I retract everything! Go Sox! Oh, God! You know, I don't ask for much in this life.
Fresh fish.
Ten cents off on laundry detergent.
Volcanic boils all over my ex-husband.
And the Sox in the Series again before I die.
- You're a good woman.
- Shove it! Sam, did you remember my sweater? Your I'm sorry, I forgot again.
I promise I'll bring it in.
I remind you every night.
Well, it gives me a chance to throw it in the machine.
Don't throw it in the washer.
It's hand spun lamb's wool.
It'll shrink up to nothing.
It'll shrink.
I'm glad we had this talk.
I didn't realise that.
Since I have to part with that sweater, could you tell me where I might get one exactly like it? I bought it in Ireland years ago.
It's one of a kind.
So if a guy spent the morning visiting department stores, he'd be wasting his time? Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
It's clean.
Sam, how could you? Come on now, Diane.
Don't be small about this.
I hate you! - Don't you want this? - What in the world is it good for? Did you see that movie "The Incredible Shrinking Woman"? I pray to God it never happens to you, but you never know.
I think I know somebody who's in love.
Good, buy them a beer, Cliff, so am I.
- I meant you.
- I don't need a beer.
I'm just too happy as it is.
Sorry things with Sue didn't work out.
Don't worry about it.
Who needs that walking Frigidaire? Just goes to show love can strike anywhere, anytime.
It doesn't ask your name or your age.
It asks How big are your bazongas? The beauty of this moment was lost on you.
Haven't you realised there is a difference between the Coach's ffire de coeur and your animal cravings? Tap your cloven hoof twice for "yes".
- Coach, isn't it your night off tonight? - Yeah.
I'm taking Irene to Melville's for dinner.
It's expensive up north there.
I've been saving.
This is a very special evening.
It's wonderful you two found each other.
You radiate such bliss.
You know why? Because we've so much in common.
We both love music and Italian food.
She's a widow, I'm a widower.
She's a hairdresser, I've got hair.
And get this, neither of us have ever been to Utah.
Oh, scary! Norm, check what the back of my neck looks like.
Every hair at attention.
Except for that one.
Snap to, Mr! I've only known her for three weeks, but this is the night.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
- You're kidding me! - All right! You devil! You've been single for a long time.
- You're sure? - I'm sure.
You know something? Even my Angela would have liked her.
- Don't you think? - I think she would.
I figured, why put it off? We're not kids any more.
I don't quite know how to ask her, but anybody have any suggestions? The only proposal I heard was Nick's.
It worked, honey.
What did he say? "Carla, I knocked you up, you know where I live, so I guess I have to.
" Not bad.
Moving on to the higher primates Normie, how did you propose to Vera? Well, I You know something? I don't think I did.
- Could there be a loophole? - Not if you consummated it.
Egad! Why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday? I've written down a few ideas and they will have to do.
But, Normie, should I ask her before we order? I don't want to ask with something in my teeth, especially if it's green.
Play it safe.
Drape a napkin over your head.
Not bad.
Hi, Ernie.
Are you ready for the best dinner of your life? Ernie, every dinner I have with you is better than the one before it.
Every Wednesday up at Melville's the vegetable is spinach.
Spinach is green and you know what that means.
So please sit down.
I've got a couple of questions.
What I want to say is, oh, wait a minute I got it.
Irene I'm not a rich man.
I'm not a young man.
I'm not a handsome man.
I'm not a tall man.
I'm not a strong man.
I'm not a talented man.
I'm not a well-travelled man.
I'm not a smart man.
I'm not a milkman.
I'm not a gingerbread man.
I'm What are you trying to say? I don't need a piece of paper to tell you my feelings.
Irene Well, maybe I do.
I'm not a rich man.
I'm not a young Coach! Look, Irene, what I'm trying to say is, I love you and I want you to marry me, but I can't find the words.
Ernie, you've said all you need to.
- I'd love to be your wife.
- She said yes! It's time for the bartender to pour some champagne.
- I'm sorry, Sam.
- No, no, Coach.
I got it.
There have been many celebrations in this bar, but none as joyous and as inspiring as what we are experiencing here.
Wasn't it Swinburne who said I'll get it! Guys, I'm the bartender.
Well, hello, Sue.
Irene, it's your daughter.
Well, this is a surprise.
I've been expecting this call for a long time.
OK, commence begging.
Sam, Sam Malone.
Yeah, she's here.
She wants to talk to you.
Sam, you seem to be working hard to get a date with a woman who obviously wouldn't cross the street to spit in your hair.
Don't worry, she will when she gets to know me.
- What's wrong, sweetheart? - I just I can't believe it.
Ernie, I won the lottery! Two million dollars! My God! Two million bucks! - I think I'm a little woozy.
- Sam, get some brandy.
Yeah, make it the good stuff.
She can afford it.
Look, Irene, don't tell me that was the only ticket you ever bought.
- It's a deal.
- I knew it! Sam! I think we ought to have a drink.
- I'm buying! - I thought of that, too.
I can't believe it.
I'm stinking rich! I'd better tell Vic we're going to be a little late.
Oh, boy, what a night! My goodness! How about that, Irene? - What a night for you.
- Magic! Two such wonderful developments.
Yes, I won the lottery! And what was the other thing? English