Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Diane Meets Mom

DIANE MEETS MOM - Hello.
- Hi, what can I get you? - I'm a phone company repairman.
- I'm a bartender.
Ernie Pantusso.
Phil Ryan.
I got a call to come down here.
There must be some mistake, Phil.
I didn't call for any repairman.
- I think Sam put in a call, Coach.
- He did? He didn't say anything to me.
I'd better give him a call and find out what this is all about.
Bum luck, Phil, phone's out.
Give him a couple of seconds.
I hate to impose, but since they got you here on this royal goose chase, would you take a look at the phone? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Lucky thing he happened by here.
Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.
Hi, everybody.
I bet you're surprised to see me on my night off.
Yeah, we didn't hear your broom pull up.
What are you doing here? I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother.
She's a seafood aficionado, we think she'll like the bouillabaisse.
You're having dinner with Frasier's mother? You deduced I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother when all I did was say it in your presence.
No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve? Uncanny.
We're a little edgy tonight, aren't we? But I can't blame you.
Meeting Mom is a big step in a relationship.
Granted, meeting your prospective fiancé's mother, especially an eminent psychiatrist, trained to analyse a person's behaviour, could be a nerve-racking evening, for somebody who's going to be there, but I'm not.
Good night.
- Chickening out, Diane? - Not at all.
They're 12 seconds late.
Get back here.
Sit down and have a glass of wine.
Coach Sit down, honey, and relax.
Everything will be fine.
Just remember, don't snap your gum, don't chew with your mouth open, and for God's sake, don't play with your bra straps.
- I'll try to remember.
- Trying's not good enough.
I'll have to write it down for you.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What would you say to a nice beer? - Going down.
Coach, do me a favour and don't make a big fuss over me today, OK? - You got it.
- No cakes, candles, party hats, singing.
- None of that.
- OK.
You know, because it would be so embarrassing.
And no gifts, all right? And don't ask how old I am today.
Normie, is today your birthday? Coach, you remembered? Everybody, it's Normie's birthday.
Let me buy the birthday boy a drink.
Please, you're making too big a deal out of this.
There you are, my darling.
At last you two meet.
The woman who gave me life and the woman who gives me life.
Oh, Frasier.
Forgive me.
I lose my head in the company of beautiful women.
- Dr Crane - Oh, please, dear, call me Hester.
- Hester, it's a pleasure.
- It's my pleasure.
Let me take your coat, Mother.
Diane - Here's the list of tips I promised.
- Thank you, Coach.
I also added instructions for a dainty way to dispose of gristle.
Frasier, she's lovely.
He's made no secret of the fact, but even he didn't do you justice.
Well, in an anxiety-provoking situation such as this, one tends to respond with exaggerated compliments.
Let me just be frank.
You are the most strikingly handsome woman I've ever laid eyes on.
Something exciting is happening here.
Exciting, but not surprising.
I say by the end of the evening you two will be thick as thieves.
Only if we can't resist the temptation to pig out on cheesecake.
- Hey, Doc, Vic's ready for you upstairs.
- I hope everybody's got an appetite.
I'll never eat again.
Let me hurry on up and make sure we've got a good table.
I'm thick with Vic.
Well, Mother - Boy, did you see that? - What? Frasier purposely avoided drawing me into the conversation.
I noticed that, too, Cliffie.
What's his problem? He knows how well versed I am in his field, Coach.
I've embarrassed many a professional so-called expert.
Actually, Cliff, I think you've embarrassed everybody you know.
As long as you're saying it, it's not bragging.
- Norm! When did you get here? - 36 years ago today.
- It's my buddy Norm's birthday today.
- Is that right? I think the birthday of one of my best customers deserves some bubbly.
- No, no, no.
- Maybe you're right.
- Just kidding! - You got me! Open this up, Coach.
Congratulations, and many happy returns.
Just don't go singing "Happy Birthday".
Cos I'd really hate that, if you sang "Happy Birthday".
Yeah, just because it is my Cut it out! Come on, now! - Norm! - Are you OK? - You OK, buddy? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm all right.
That sucker nearly hit me.
Hold still now.
Why don't you sit down here for a second? - You all right? - Yeah.
- How many fingers? - Three.
- Not you, Coach.
- Three.
Sure, after I give him the answer.
- You sure? - I'm fine.
The primary symptom of postprandial trauma is the blurring of the metatarsals.
- Cliff, shut up.
- Fine, I'll shut up.
Go ahead and wallow in ignorance.
We're re-entering the Dark Ages.
- Do we gain an hour or lose an hour? - Would you guys cut it out? Why don't you see a doctor? That thing hit you pretty hard.
Play it safe, go to the emergency room.
I'll pay for it.
No, it doesn't even hurt any more.
Normie's right.
I got hit all the time in baseball.
I never saw a doctor.
- You'll keep my glass chilled? - Yeah.
Yeah, terrific, Normie, I'll pass that on.
Everybody, Normie's just fine.
They're just keeping him in overnight for a few more tests.
A lot of people miss the whimsy in Jung.
He's given me many a chuckle.
I wrote one of my favourite papers on it.
It's entitled, "Hello, Jung Lovers.
" How clever.
Oh, dear.
I hope I haven't dominated the conversation tonight.
Nonsense, the wine and your verbiage went perfectly with our meal.
Listen, why don't you two have a seat and I'll get us a fine cordial.
Will you trust me to make the selection? I have a little treat in mind, I'd like to surprise you with it.
Frasier, you're mad, but I love you.
Three cans of Schlitz.
Listen carefully.
Stop seeing my son or, as God is my witness, I'll kill you.
- Something to munch on.
- Yum, yum, yum.
Now listen to me.
I have a gun, I know how to use it.
Here we are.
Doesn't that look lovely? What do you call it? - It's a delightful pear liqueur.
- Sounds delicious, doesn't it, Diane? I think she likes it.
I hate to leave your company again, but I must visit the men's room.
You know what they say, you only rent a Château Lafite Rothschild.
I'll go with you.
Diane, there are some things a man must do alone.
If you love me, you won't do this now.
Well, it's a peculiar test of a man's affection, but I think I'm up to it.
I've just had an inspiration.
What say we go to an intimate cabaret and hear some jazz? That's a wonderful idea, Frasier.
How do you feel about it, Diane? Diane, you're white as a sheet.
Are you OK? I'm a little tired, Frasier.
- Why don't you two go without me? - We wouldn't think of it.
No, I insist.
I'll be fine.
I'll call a cab.
I wouldn't want to spoil your fun.
Please.
She's tired.
Don't press her.
Go home, dear.
Rest.
You need a night on the town like you need a hole in the head.
I'll be fine, thank you.
Very well.
I'll call you later.
- How did dinner go? - She wants to kill me.
You've got to start picking up some checks, Diane.
Sam, I have to ask you a question.
And promise me you won't make a joke out of it.
OK? - I promise.
What's up? - Do you think I'm crazy? Yes.
Now the joke is out of the way, will you help me? I know this is a strange question, but it's important.
Do you think I'm crazy? Yes.
You're incapable of a rational conversation, only flip remarks.
Wait a minute.
Do you mean are you crazy, like seriously unbalanced, like losing your grasp on reality? - Yes.
- Oh, well, then yes.
When you're ready to discuss this as an adult, then we will talk.
Do I sense a bit of tension between you and dear old Mother Crane? I don't want to blow this out of proportion.
Doesn't every woman feel their mother-in-law-to-be is an evil, dark-hearted, psychotic murderess? - I mean competitor.
- What exactly did she say? I don't remember it word for word.
Something about, "I have a gun and I know how to use it.
" Before she left, she said I needed a night on the town like a hole in the head.
That's kinda cute.
You think a death threat is cute? Not as a rule, no.
But your sense of humour is not exactly your strong point.
Is it possible that this lady is joking with you? Anything is possible, but what's funny about a hole in the head? God Is it possible? I feel so foolish.
She must think I'm a twit.
Don't worry, when I first met you, I thought you were a twit, too.
Boy, this gal is a real kidder.
I mean, we're talking veritable goose.
We're having lunch together, so I can show Hester that I can give as good as I get.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What's up? - Everything that's supposed to be.
Norm, I hear you spent the night in hospital.
- I'm OK, though.
- Good.
You can just take care of this at your leisure, I suppose.
$683? - To have your head checked? - Isn't that something? They did a whole battery of tests on me.
- The important thing is I'm OK, isn't it? - Well, no.
I mean, yes, but $683! The cost of diagnostic testing has gone up dramatically.
I read recently it's running to billions every year.
Gee, I didn't know so many people got hit by corks.
- What did they do to you down there? - Mostly routine stuff.
I did take care of one other little matter.
- Like what? - I had a little mole removed.
- And you stuck me with it? - Norm, where did you have a mole? That must have been the one on your butt there, right? Norm, I didn't know you were that vain.
Who's ever going to see your rear end? You're just about to, wise guy.
I think you took advantage of me, Norm.
I figured you'd want to throw in the mole.
Makes a nice birthday gift, you know.
You want to be hard-nosed, I'll pay for it.
No, no.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you, it's just what I wanted.
- You're welcome.
I know it's a little early, but I wouldn't say no to a tummy tuck for Christmas.
I'll think about it.
Diane, look who's here.
If you have knees, prepare to slap them now.
Hello, dear.
- You're feeling better? - Much better.
If Sam will let us steal you away, I have reservations for three for lunch.
Sounds good.
Hester, I've been thinking a lot about our little talk last night.
I hope you've been thinking long and hard.
I have.
Frasier, I came to a decision last night.
If we marry, I think we should commit mommy dearest to a rest home, making sure that beating and starving are the only forms of recreation.
Diane! I beg your pardon? In fact, I feel like slapping your face right now.
Take me out of here this moment.
It's a joke, come on.
I'm obviously kidding.
We won't put her in a rest home, we'll have her with us always.
We're going to have her stuffed.
And I'll even slit her throat in the process.
Thank you, Sam.
I've never encountered such hostility, personally or professionally.
I'm leaving.
No, just a minute, let's all take a beat.
The three of us are going into Sam's office and we'll work this thing through.
There's got to be a logical explanation.
And there'd better be, Diane.
It's all a joke.
Hester, you're with me on this, aren't you? If terrible threats constitute jokes, no, I'm not with you on this.
OK, time to take stock here.
I'm not crazy, right, Diane? Right you are.
A whole year of my life.
Hester, I was trying to joke with you like you were joking with me.
If you weren't joking, you threatened my life - I what? - What? She said that if I didn't stop seeing you, she'd shoot me.
This was obviously a mistake.
You know perfectly well you threatened my life! I will not stay and be talked to like this.
Frasier, she is a rude, boorish, spiteful woman, who, for some reason I don't understand, resents me terribly.
- Mother, please.
- Liar, liar, pants on fire.
- Diane! - I'm not lying.
She is.
If you love me, you'll stand up for me now when I need it.
Frasier, I'm asking you to leave with me now.
Frasier, this is the most important moment in our relationship.
If you abandon me now, that's it.
Mother, why did you threaten Diane? - You believe her? - Yes.
Oh, God! I've lost you.
Frasier, I did say those terrible things, but, believe me, I had good reason.
OK, she said them, but she had good reasons.
- Not good enough! - They'd better be good! The best in the world.
I wanted to save you from ruining what could be a brilliant career.
I just can't stand the picture of you being married to a pseudo-intellectual barmaid.
No offence intended.
None taken.
Ç ne fit rien.
Mother, I can't believe this of you, a woman who has always been the most gentle, rational human being I've known.
My dear boy, you know I would never follow through on my threat to kill her.
As I was pricing revolvers this morning, I realised how irrational my feelings were.
But don't you understand? I'd rather see you shovelling sherbet at Howard Johnson's in a silly hat and an apron than make a bad marriage.
Mother, you don't understand.
We're not going to have a bad marriage.
And I'm not going to shovel sherbet.
But I would be happy doing it if Diane were at my side.
Oh, Frasier, I never realised how much this woman meant to you.
Of course, I don't really understand why.
I never understood your spider collection either, but I grew to accept that.
Diane, she's reaching out.
Please.
Doctor Crane, I'm sorry if I made a bad first impression, but I think, no, I know, it was a wrong impression.
I may be a diamond in the rough now, but I'm a dreamer, and I have a habit of making dreams come true.
When and if I marry Frasier Crane, I will be the kind of wife and family you'll be proud to know and claim.
People will get tired hearing you boast about your daughter-in-law.
Diane, I see I've handled this so badly.
Well, yes I suppose I've made a few mistakes myself.
- Let's go out and come in again.
- I'd love to.
This is the most incredible moment of my entire day.
I'm going to take you two future best pals out to the finest lunch in town.
- Sounds good - OK.
I need a glass of water.
You two, go ahead, I'll catch up with you.
That's OK.
It's free of charge.
I understand you used to date that woman.
I want to know how much you'd charge to start things up again.
- You don't have enough money.
- How would you know? There isn't enough money.
- I know what you mean.
- I don't think you do.
- I think I do.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no.
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