Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Peterson Crusoe

WHODUNIT OK, folks.
Just to help you pass time while you're waiting for a table upstairs, I will show you a trick that leaves people with their mouths wide open.
I'm going to guess your age by asking three simple questions.
OK? - Sounds like fun.
- Good.
OK, first question.
What year were you born? - You're kidding? - Bare with me, will you? OK, second question.
How much do you weigh? About 185 pounds.
OK, third and last question.
What do you do for a living? I'm a carpet salesman.
OK, I should have an answer for you right after dinner.
- After dinner? - Yeah, I forgot to carry a number.
Four, six and seven - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What would you like? - Got anything pale and cold? Yeah, but it's Diane's day off.
I'll have a beer then, I guess.
You look a little glum, buddy.
Do you have a problem? My new boss just chewed me out.
He says I lack enthusiasm.
Well, is that true? I don't know.
I guess.
Who cares? Well, here it is, Dr Ludlow.
It was Diane's idea to expose you to Boston's seamy underbelly.
Frasier, Dr Ludlow will enjoy a quaint little Boston pub.
I wonder who the guy is with them.
A talent scout for a geek show.
I wish that I'd worn a heavier overcoat.
- I had no idea it would be so chilly.
- I apologise.
You're apologising for the weather? Yes, and the fact that I've had this toasty garment.
- Why don't you wear it? - We're not exactly the same size.
- I'm sorry.
- Stop apologising.
That's all right.
I don't mind.
- Frasier - I'm sorry.
I turn to jelly in the presence of my mentor, Dr Ludlow.
This attitude was all right when you were in my programme, but we are peers now.
Did you hear that, Diane? Peers.
Ludlow, get us some brandies! No, I'm just kidding.
I'll get them.
- Diane, could you give me a hand? - Certainly.
Excuse me.
- Did you notice? - Of course.
- What are we going to do about it? - Ignore it.
Ignore it? That's like telling me to ignore your fly being open.
Yes, very good point.
It isn't, is it? What's the problem here? My colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner and it has become encrusted on his tie.
So? You could take Norm's tie, put it in a kettle and make soup.
Incidentally, the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib.
- You know, to wipe your chin.
- They're thinking of changing that? Why not just tell the guy? Why didn't we come to Sam in the first place? You don't say "there's a spot" to a man of the stature of Dr Bennett Ludlow.
The Bennett Ludlow? - You've heard of him, Coach? - No.
He's one of the giants of psychiatry.
Author, innovator, educator, and my idol and inspiration.
Lean over and pretend to admire his tie tack, and just nibble the morsel off real quick.
- Who's the wiser? - Sam is right.
We have to tell him.
Of course you're right.
May we have three brandies? I should tell him.
I suggested beef Wellington.
Beef Wellington, you say? Where's that tie? Show me.
I'll just have to tell him in a subtle way that will preserve his dignity.
Hey, pigpen! What's that thing? Are you trying to catch pigeons? Thank you.
Don't mention it.
I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.
Here.
Sir, it may cause you some personal embarrassment, but you have a spot in my heart.
- Always will.
- Thank you, Frasier.
If you'll excuse me, I've got a telephone call to make.
Believe me, I am not the sort of man who approaches young ladies and tries to be more familiar by using some smooth line.
Your secret is safe with me.
Pardon me for saying this, but something about you is so strikingly attractive.
While you're stare at my zoomers, let's see if we can figure it out.
- How can I get your telephone number? - A phone book.
Would you tell me your name or shall I check under "Hot Babe"? The name is Carla Tortelli and I'm starting to like you.
- Say, Norm? - Yes, Cliff? You seem to have a spot on your tie.
So I do, so I do.
Thank you for pointing that out.
If more people were as conscientious, we could wipe out social embarrassment.
Don't thank me, Norm.
Periodic tie checks are the duty of every American citizen.
- Did he look at his tie? - No.
So much for subtlety.
All right.
You start a fire for diversion.
I'll hose him down.
- Boy, am I exhausted.
- Not much sleep? No, I slept like a baby.
It's just that I dreamed I had insomnia all night.
Someday that man's head will open up and a prize will pop out.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Carla.
- I got some flowers here.
- For me? Very cute, Carla.
You've had flowers every day for two weeks.
Yeah, I guess I ought to be feeling guilty.
I'm getting all these flowers and there are bees going hungry.
We're kind of curious here.
Who's your secret admirer? - It's none of your damn business.
- Thank you, Carla.
- What did she say? - None of your damn business.
Well, excuse me for living.
What if I said that when you asked me how to throw a knuckleball? - You did.
- So we're even.
Frasier, you're early.
- Is something wrong? - Of course something's wrong.
Dr Ludlow cancelled on us again.
Surprise, surprise.
- What excuse did he give this time? - Something came up.
Something's been coming up for the last two months.
Well, maybe we have to admit he doesn't want to see us socially.
I guess we've been trying too hard.
Sam, can I get a beer, please? Especially the first night when we made such buffoons of ourselves.
- We, Frasier? - All right, you.
- Me? - Yes! The way you fawned over him was criminal.
If you had taken off your clothes, it would have been a refreshing note of subtlety.
No wonder he's shunning us.
Frasier, you were so obsequious, if he had asked you to cluck and lay an egg, you would have asked, " What colour?" Well, he didn't ask me to, so it's a moot point at best.
I'm sorry.
Diane, I need tonight off.
Could you switch with me? - Well - Why not? - There's nothing going on in our lives.
- Carla, you're in luck again.
It seems when you want to trade nights, my plans get cancelled.
Yeah, go figure.
Hey, Diane.
You know, I've been thinking Have you? The odds makers take a beating again.
Listen, is it possible this Ludlow fellow hasn't been seeing you two because he's been spending all his time with Carla? Either that or he had to finish his paper route on Mars.
Sorry you felt the sting of my wit, but it's ludicrous.
Now wait a minute.
There are two mysteries going on here.
Carla's been seeing this very classy guy, and your pal's been avoiding you like the plague.
Of course, that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
You're talking about one of the most accomplished men of letters, dating a common barmaid.
- So are you.
- She wasn't when I met her.
That's right.
She was a lunatic.
No, it's true, Coach.
Many scientists believe that the little finger, that's the pinkie, will, like the tail, disappear cos it serves no useful purpose.
People couldn't go swimming without their little finger.
Why is that, Coach? When you come out of the water, you can't do this.
I stand corrected.
Sam, may I speak to you for a moment? OK, a cute lunatic.
All right? Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind.
Your asinine theories, while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation, do nothing to ease his pique.
Wait a minute.
The one word I understood, I don't exactly care for.
- My theory's not asinine.
- You're right.
It's a lot worse.
Think of the two of them together.
Bennett Ludlow and Carla? It's hair-brained.
Just imagine it! Well, there it is now.
- No, I guess I haven't.
- Diane, what's Benny here may look like a stiff, but he's out for a good time.
I was drawn to Carla from the start.
There's something sensual and earthy about her.
Didn't any of you suspect? No, you'd have to be a real brain to figure this out, don't you think, Frasier? How come you kept it such a secret? That's the way me and Big Ben wanted it.
Our backgrounds are a little different, which is a slight problem.
If word gets around your guy tucks his T-shirt in his undershorts, your reputation is shot to hell.
And I had similar reasons to be discrete.
Yeah, well.
The cat's out of the bag now.
Excuse me, I have to see my customers.
This calls for somebody to buy a round! - Well, I'll do that! - You beat me to it.
I'll get the next one.
Diane, excuse me.
Now that I'm running in egghead circles, we're going to bump into each other at parties.
You with your boyfriend and me with mine His hero.
OK, I think I've come to terms with this.
Dr Ludlow, you came here on vacation.
You've had your walk on the wild side.
You can return to your proper sphere, refreshed and a better man.
Frankly, it's a bit more complicated than that.
I'm going to take a short trip, and when I come back I'm going to ask Ms Tortelli to marry me.
How wonderful.
- Sam, where is she? - I don't know.
She's never late.
- Did Carla call? - Yeah.
- What did she say? - None of your damn business.
How's your knuckleball? Come on, we've been over this.
Give me a break, will you? Dr Ludlow? We're happy that Carla's getting the first break of her life.
All this talk about romance gives me a warm spot right here.
Or was it that meal I had at the Hungry Heifer? Yes.
I went back for their special chicken dinner.
- What was it? - A bowl of pellets and a handful of grain.
Well, here she is.
What's going on? Dr Ludlow has something he wants to talk to you about.
I had not expected there to be a spectators.
Perhaps you'd like to step over here? Benny, is this what I think it is? Yes, Carla.
I want you to marry me.
- Wow, what a day! - Well, will you? - I guess I'd be crazy to say no.
- Champagne, please, for everybody! All right.
Way to go, Doc.
Thank you.
It happened right here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Champagne for everybody.
I couldn't help noticing you're not exactly leaping for joy.
Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
Well there's some things he doesn't know about me.
A little mystery is good for a marriage.
What haven't you told him? I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
What haven't you told him about them? That they live.
He doesn't know you have children? Carla, I think you'd better tell him.
He's going to wonder who those little people are.
I was hoping he'd be too polite to ask.
I didn't want to scare him off.
It's only fair that you tell him you have five children.
- Six.
- OK, six.
But don't wait I thought it was five.
It was.
I just came from the doctor.
When you were in high school and you took Hygiene did you cut the how-not-to lecture? I had to.
I was pregnant.
I'm the most fertile woman living.
There's only one foolproof method of birth control, and it makes me sick.
- What's that? - Saying no.
- Carla, are you all right? - I'll just go celebrate.
We're like a big family.
You know what they say, more to love.
If you want to be in a big fa - Beat it.
- Bye.
My proposal was not met with the enthusiasm I expected, and it suddenly occurred to me that I never heard the word "yes".
I know.
I got to tell you some things.
Would you sit down for a minute? - This sounds serious.
- It is.
Have you seen "The Brady Bunch"? Yes, I think so.
Well, picture them with knives.
I don't understand.
I have five kids.
- Five? - Well, five and counting.
You're going to be a daddy.
This is quite a day.
You have my permission to withdraw your proposal.
Do you want me to withdraw my proposal? I want you to do what you want to do.
I want you to marry me.
You're kidding.
What class! I still haven't heard the word "yes".
I know.
Why do you think that is? I think that if you look into your feelings, you'll know.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think I do.
- I'm in love with someone else.
- Who is it, Carla? I don't know his name.
I've never even met him.
But I've had this picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever.
But he is going to walk into this bar one night.
Well, not walk, more like swagger.
You know, confident, but not cocky.
He's OK-looking, but he's no pretty-boy.
He's a swell dresser.
He's got on this burgundy leather jacket.
He's got cherry LifeSavers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other.
He's trying to quit them both, but he can't.
His nose is broken in all the right places.
And he's got this scar that he won't talk about.
He cracks his knuckles all the time.
But what are you going to do? Doesn't talk much.
Doesn't have to.
He falls for me.
Hard.
I hurt him a few times.
He gets over it.
We get married.
So, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.
You know, Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Tell me about her.
Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire who doesn't know what's really good for her.
- I hope you find her someday.
- Me too.
I intend to take care of that child financially.
You bet your buns you will, Benny baby.
- Are you OK? - Would you knock it off? OK, you're all going to know eventually so you might as well know now.
I turned Benny down and I'm pregnant again.
So, in case your maths is bad, that makes six.
Six kids for an unmarried woman.
I don't want your sappy looks or your sympathy.
I don't even want to talk about this.
I just want to be left alone.
Got it? Got it.
What are you people made of, stone? English