Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - A Ditch in Time

PETERSON CRUSOE A Bloody Mary for you.
Vodka Collins, and an Old Fashioned, light on the bitters.
Diane, I think you got it perfect this time.
Every drink wrong.
My God, what is this? Does your waitressing stink! - My waitressing does not stink.
- It does, too.
- It doesn't.
- Does.
If I put my mind to it, I could waitress circles around you.
You stink! - I smell a wager.
- No, you smell your waitressing.
I challenge you to a waitressing contest.
Whoever gets the most tips tonight wins.
You're on, sucker.
I'll even give you a ten buck head start.
That's an insult! And thank you.
We'll need a judge to make sure this contest is conducted fairly.
It's Sam's bar, he can be judge.
I'm honoured, but wouldn't it be better to find someone who gives a rat's behind? - I do, make me the judge.
- We couldn't have a more impartial one.
Thank you, Diane.
If either of you suspects any wrongdoing, come to me and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
- Do we have any appeal? - I think you're both cute, but that's not going to affect my decision.
Get ready for the good times.
The big guy doth approach.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm? Norman? Why don't you sit down, Norm? What's the problem? You know that job I landed over in Braintree? I had to take a company physical this afternoon and there was something on the chest X-ray.
- Something bad, Normie? - No, a happy face.
Sorry, Coach.
Yes, something bad.
A spot of some sort.
They sent it over to a specialist to take a look.
Come on, Norm, these things happen sometimes and they turn out to be nothing, They come to nothing.
Yeah, we all come to nothing, Sam.
I'm just going to get there a little sooner.
Norman, you're jumping to conclusions.
Now stop being so morbid.
Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
You've got all of us, your friends.
We're going to be with you all the way.
We're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it! - I'll explain it later, Coach.
- Everybody says, "I'll explain it later.
" Cheers.
Oh, hi.
Norm, it's Vera.
She needs to talk to you right away.
She's heard from the doctor.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
So what did he say? That's the greatest news.
I can't believe it.
Yes, we do have something to celebrate.
So what are you going to do? That sounds good.
I don't know what I'll do, but I can't think about it now, I have a lot of other things on my mind.
I'll talk to you later, honey.
A flaw on the X-ray.
- Let me buy you a drink, Normie.
- No, not right now, Cliff.
Right now I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't paid attention to lately Norm Peterson.
- I think I understand.
- I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.
Carla, counting the ten buck head start you gave Diane, you're still ahead nine dollars.
And you've got only one minute to go.
Yeah, but Diane gave me a good contest.
I mean, she hustled what passes for her buns off tonight.
- Good.
So you won't rub her nose in it? - To the bone.
Thank you very much, and a happy fiftieth wedding anniversary to you both.
- Fiftieth anniversary! - They had a bottle of Dom Perignon.
I thought they were just a couple of cheap old coots! Coach, a twenty dollar tip.
- That's it! Diane wins it! - Really? This is so exciting! Yeah, who's going to sleep tonight? Don't hurt me! I didn't mean to gloat, Carla.
I'm sorry.
Please don't hurt me.
I just wanted to shake your hand, but if you don't want to shake my hand, I'll just say congratulations.
Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
I haven't forgotten our first night together either.
- Did you find Norm? - Yeah, is he weirding out.
- What do you mean? - I found him sitting in a garden.
He said he wanted to smell the roses.
- I don't think that's weird.
- It was a vegetable garden.
That's weird.
Yeah, I said that.
He said, "So I want to smell the squash.
Leave me alone.
" Then he wandered on towards the pier.
I shudder to think what he wants to smell down there.
This is that bar I was telling you about.
These people sit here night after night, wasting their lives away.
But don't hate them.
Pity them, as I do.
They're chained here, unable to soar free like you and me.
Soar, little guy, soar.
You want to have a beer or something? No time for that.
I just stopped in to say goodbye.
I'm sailing for Bora Bora.
Bora Bora? Ever since I was a boy, the South Pacific has called, "Come to me, Norm.
This is where you belong.
" I've always ignored that call, till now.
So I'm going to go to the beach and build a hut, send for Vera, and live there the rest of our lives.
Isn't that nice? I booked passage on one of those cargo ships where you work light duties.
We shove off at midnight, so Wait a minute.
What about a passport? What about shots? I already have my passport.
You don't need shots for Bora Bora, there's no disease there.
Lunacy is on its way.
Norm? What about that great new job you got? I should really call that guy, shouldn't I? Sam, you see what he's doing, right? The old jokemeister, tugging at our ankles? Hold onto your socks, here he goes.
Hi, Mr Feldman, sir? Hi, Norm Peterson here.
Awfully sorry to wake you, sir.
I'm not coming to work tomorrow.
I'm sailing to Bora Bora to live in a hut.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am in a bar.
No, my head's quite clear, sir.
I'm quitting.
Yes, I realise I'm burning my bridges, but there's no hard feelings on this end.
In fact, if you're ever in Bora Bora, stop by the Peterson hut and we'll share a cup of grog, sir.
Maybe I'll take you out Right, I realise it's late, sir.
Very sorry.
I pity that man.
Sammy, I want you to give these to some poor soul who may need them.
Well, everybody, this is goodbye.
I don't know what to say to you folks.
You've been like family to me.
- I'm going to miss you all, that's for sure.
- Come on, man, this is nuts.
People don't drop everything and sail away to Bora Bora.
- I do.
- Goodbye, Normie.
Coach, you'll feel silly when he pulls the plug on this gag.
- You understand, don't you, Coach? - No, Normie, but they'll tell me later.
You better get used to that.
They got all-male crews on those ships.
OK, Norm, joke's over.
Knock it off.
It's ended.
Norm You kidder.
Boy, you had us going there for a while.
Wingtips are for accountants, Cliffie.
I'm a beachcomber now.
Normie's gone.
Here you are.
The service was excellent.
That was nothing.
You should have seen me in the old days.
I was something then.
I'm telling you, people would come from miles away to see me schlep drinks.
That was before The Troubles.
She should be over this by now, it's been weeks.
I robbed her zest for life.
You do have that effect on people.
Sam, we got another letter from Normie.
Oh, good.
Norm letter here, everybody.
OK, let me see here.
He says he's found the beach he was looking for and he's built a hut.
Wait, listen to this, "I'll send for Vera when I've built hers, ha ha! "Whoops, I've lost my hammer, ha ha!" - He put the "ha ha's" in.
- Good thing.
"Every morning, a native girl leaves a coconut outside my door.
"I'm a little shaky on the local tribal customs, "so either we're married or I'm going to be sacrificed next Tuesday, ha ha!" He sure knows where to put those "ha ha's".
" Prhi, or goodbye.
" It took a great deal of courage for Norman to do what he did.
I admire and envy him.
He has heeded Thoreau who admonished us that, quote, "Life is frittered away by detail.
Simplify, simplify.
" Why didn't he just say one 'simplify'? Let me see the old postmark there, Sammy.
Yep, she's valid, all right.
Looks like our Normie made it to paradise.
Two Scotch rocks, Coach.
No hurry.
I'll wait till the good waitress gets her order.
Carla, you are the better waitress.
It's been proven time and time again.
What does it matter who won that meaningless contest? It matters.
What would it take to make you feel better? - Hearing you admit that you cheated.
- Carla, I didn't cheat.
Would it kill you to say you did? - I did not cheat.
- Two words to restore my will to live.
It doesn't seem like that much to ask.
OK, Carla, I cheated.
You cheated? Why? That contest meant that much to you? You are a very sick woman.
Does anybody in this bar realise how sick this woman is? - She cheated on that silly little contest.
- I did not cheat! First she says she cheated, then she says she didn't.
What are we supposed to believe? - The things people do for their egos.
- Yeah, cheating on a silly contest.
I could go around explaining to everyone what happened, but I know that I did not cheat and that's enough.
- I'll just let it drop.
- I'll be in my office if you need me.
I did not cheat! We had this contest - Evening, Sammy.
- Hey, Norm.
Norm? Why aren't you in Bora Bora? Funniest thing.
I chickened out, just like everybody said I would.
Never even got on the damn boat.
These are getting stale, though.
Got any beer nuts? You you've been hiding in here? Just for a week.
- Why? - You kidding? I made such a jackass out of myself, I'd be a laughing stock if I went out there.
- So you plan to stay in here forever? - Yeah, is that a problem? The way I figure it, you can let me in in the morning when you come to work, and when everyone goes home, let me out.
Just like I always did.
"Just like I always did.
" You get a bar stool, right? Set it up nice and close like this.
Every now and then you slip me a beer.
Come on, it'll be just like it used to be! Come on.
I know how you feel, man.
You had a crazy dream, announced it to everybody and you didn't live up to it.
But these people love you.
They don't care.
Come on.
All right, all right.
It probably meant more to me than it does to them anyway.
Maybe you ought to A toast to the man the natives are probably calling the Great Tanned Beast.
An inspiration to us all, Norm Peterson! The sofa opens out into a bed, and - Laundry day is? - Tuesday.
I have never cheated on anything in my life.
The integrity of Diane Chambers remains unblemished.
Could we chat for just a second? Trust me.
These people are your friends.
Just listen.
Another toast.
To Paul Gauguin, Robert Louis Stevenson and Norm Peterson.
Three men cut from the same cloth, only they had to use a few more yards for Norm.
Yeah, Norm is quite a guy, isn't he? I don't think he had to sail to the South Pacific to make us admire and respect him.
He did for me.
It was the only worthwhile thing he ever did in an otherwise wasted life.
I'm serious.
If Norm hadn't gone to Bora Bora, I don't think we would have thought any the less of him.
Do you? - Of course we would.
- Definitely.
- Sam, what are you talking about? - It's hypothetical.
Just suppose that Norm had spent the last three weeks in a motel, and that he gave those letters to some guy to mail when he got to the islands, we wouldn't think any the less of him.
- That yellow belly is in your office! - Don't be silly.
If he's not, he's not going to mind me doing this.
Swell friends I have.
That's the last you'll see of Norm Peterson.
Yellow belly, you've got a lot of guts showing your face here! Lay off, will you? The guy feels terrible.
Yeah? Yeah, welcome back, buddy.
He's afraid that you will laugh at him because he chickened out.
Norman? Everyone has had a dream that they let slip away.
Yeah, but not one everyone knew about.
- Would you like to know about mine? - Not particularly.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a ballerina.
I had I had years of private lessons, but when the time finally came to audition for the Juilliard School, with my first step I fell down and bloodied my nose.
And before I could do anything else, they said, "Thank you very much.
" - I never heard from them again.
- Thank you very much.
OK, Diane, very good, dear.
Thank you.
Norm, do you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball and maybe coach a little.
And then afterwards tend a bar in a nice place.
Look what happened to me.
Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Oh, yeah.
No wonder I'm such a happy guy.
Good try, Coach, good try.
Norm, has any of this helped you? Yeah, I'm doing a jig in here, Sam.
Go away! All right, Sammy, clear the decks.
It's up to me.
Normie, it's your best buddy.
Go away, Frank.
Even in pain he can make us smile.
Norm? You know it's Cliffie.
And I, too, once had a dream, Norm.
No, more than a dream, really.
It was an all-consuming passion.
- I wanted to be a trapeze artist.
- Trapeze artist? Like in a circus? No, like in your finer restaurants, Sam.
When I was a lad I saw "Trapeze" with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis.
No kidding, Cliffie.
Did you sit between them? I must have seen it 20 times.
I always imagined myself up there with them, high above the centre ring.
The spotlight shines upon me, sweat glistens from my body.
Below me the women's eyes glaze over with lust, the men grind their teeth with envy.
I lunge at the bar with almost an insane daring.
I fly through the air completing, one, two, three, oh, my God, four somersaults.
The first quadruple in the history of the big top, Norm! But, I became a postal carrier and the rest is history.
No, Norm, having a dream isn't stupid.
It's not having them that's stupid.
What's stupid is the picture of you in one of those outfits.
Stop laughing at my pal here, all right? This man had the only dream that was more ridiculous than mine.
- Yeah? - A lot more, I might add.
Is that right, Marco Rollo? I've got to buy a drink here for the great Cliffini.
The next round is on me for Ferdinand Magelly-belly.
- Listen to the Flying Rear-enda here.
- Is that right, Christopher Colum-butt? English