Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter

THE HEART IS A LONELY SNIPEHUNTER - Vodka martini and a Seltzer.
- You got it.
Thank you.
Holy coyote! What's that stink? Smells like they're burning the chef's special at Melville's.
Smells like they're burning the chef.
Wait, I know what that smell is.
- Anybody mind if I smoke? - Not if you put the lit end in your mouth.
I learned how to smoke them this way, Carla, and I'll stick with it.
- Boy, is somebody boiling tar in here? - No, Sam.
I'm smoking my cigar.
Would someone please boil some tar? - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What's new, Normie? - Terrorists, Sam.
They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.
- It's a world gone mad.
- What's that stench? It's my cigar, Normie.
Let me know if it bothers you.
- It bothers me.
- Join the club.
New cologne, Sam? It's a step up.
Do you have any idea how much that cigar stinks? Are you kidding? It's right below my nose.
- Sammy, all set to - You bet, good buddy.
Did that gesture signify a primitive mating ritual? Actually we are going up to the woods to spend the day fishing.
How lovely.
You know, it's truly essential to one's peace of mind now and then to get back in tune with the rhythms of nature and shed the mechanised world.
You're right.
Did you remember to bring the TV set? - Yeah.
I got a portable VCR, Sam.
- Good.
- I rented "Porky's ll" and "Splash".
- All right.
- You have a fish tracking device, too? - That wouldn't be sportsmanlike.
We prefer depth charges.
- So, you guys are going fishing? - Yeah, go pull some lip.
- You got it.
- Boy, I love fishing.
- A spur-of-the-moment decision? - No, we've planned this.
- Check this lake.
- Looks good.
- I guess you forgot to tell me.
- I don't know.
I don't remember.
Well, I do.
You didn't.
Maybe you mentioned it to another best friend who lives for doing manly things in the wild.
You want to go fishing with us? I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
You're going to have to if you want come along.
Come on, let's go fishing.
- I'd better check my social calendar.
- That's the wall of the men's room.
- I wouldn't mind doing a little fishing.
- Me neither.
You got room? What the hell? Let's make it a party.
- I thought it was just going to be us.
- Come on, Cliff.
I'm just surprised you are so eager to go someplace you're obviously not wanted.
There's some gear in the back there, guys.
- Hello, Diane.
- Hi, Frasier.
Your lips are troubled.
No wonder.
Look at the hell he puts them through.
Well, this has been a bad day.
Bad week.
Bad month.
This time of the year is murder on the psychiatric profession.
Just sit down and relax.
- Scotch, Sam.
- You have problems there, Frase? All the neuroses I face every day have a negative effect on me.
Why don't you do what I did? Throw her clothes in the hallway and lock the door.
Diane is my salvation.
It's my patients that have caused this distress.
Miserable people pouring out their litany of depression and anxiety.
The only way my situation could be worse is if I listened to them.
Even at a time like this, his humour survived.
I know exactly what you're saying, Doc.
I do.
After years behind this bar, I've learned how to make people happy.
How's that? Whatever problem they got, I point out the bigger problem.
Like in your case, you're going bald.
I am? Now I'm depressed and losing my hair.
That's nothing.
It's child's play compared to that big mole you got on your neck.
- Please, no more.
I'm cheered up.
- Any time, Doc.
All right, Sammy.
Just one quick stop to change clothes and we'll be all set.
Hope things look up for you, Frasier.
- Going fishing, are you? - Yeah.
How idyllic.
Away from the noise, the crime, the borderline psychotics.
Actually, Cliffie's coming along, too.
I was just kidding, Cliff.
OK, Coach.
Good night.
See you guys.
Be back later.
Sam, it looks like you might have room for one more.
Isn't there someone else you'd like to invite? A very depressed gentleman? The bass are about this big there.
Want to go get one? I've never been fishing but it might be just what I need.
- If none of you mind, count me in.
- Goody.
Watch out, fish.
Here I come.
You want to come along? We're running a little low on bait.
Cut it out, you kidder.
Take care of my fella.
He's a tenderfoot.
- How come you're not going? - I don't like to smell them.
- Yeah, fish stink.
- No, the guys.
Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck.
Who needs it? - Want to play Red Sox trivia? - Sure.
Fire away.
I got some real tough ones for you this time.
Ready? Number one.
What over 300 hitter was called - Jimmy Foxx.
- Right.
That was just an easy warm-up.
Now we're going to start.
- What Red Sox shortstop - Don Buddin.
- An outfielder - Conigliaro.
Boy, you are good.
Try me now.
- Who was the only man to pinch hit - Lu Clinton.
- You sure you want to go on? - It's not as much fun as it used to be.
- Think we've played together too long? - Was the next answer Frank Malzone? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Looks like you had a good time.
- Great time, Diane.
Great time.
I'm so glad.
Where's Frasier? Did I say something amusing? You're going to get a giggle out of this.
Frasier's still up in the woods.
He's snipe hunting.
You sent him on a snipe hunt.
I love it.
What's a snipe hunt? It's an age-old custom wherein we take an uninitiated hunter like Dr Crane, put him in a clearing with a gunnysack and we beat out the snipe to him.
Rather an elemental sport but I don't see the humour in it.
The humour is that while the guy's out there with a gunnysack, we have dinner in a restaurant and come here for some beers.
There's no such thing as a snipe, so there's no reason for us to hang around.
But since the bagger doesn't know that, he stays and we leave.
I swear to you, this is really funny.
You should have seen your buddy.
He's a real sport.
He was practising the bagger's position.
Sammy made up this terrific snipe call.
- Actually somebody else made that up.
- You could hear him from miles.
In other words, you abandoned Frasier in the woods.
Well, that's another way of putting it.
But it doesn't sound as funny that way.
Of all the immature, aberrant behaviour ever exhibited here, this is the lowest.
- What do you mean, Sam? - You're the ringleader.
These lemmings don't have minds of their own.
- She's right, Sam.
- Sad but true, Sammy.
- She is not.
- Whatever you say, boss.
Would you guys Come on.
You're overreacting here, Diane.
It's a harmless little prank, that's all.
All guys fall for it.
It's fun.
- Did you ever fall for it? - Not personally.
But a lot of my friends have and did they have a terrific time.
- You have to be a certain kind of guy.
- Yeah, a real dink.
Thanks a lot, Carla.
Come on, Frasier's got a sense of humour.
I bet he's up in the woods right now laughing himself silly.
I am sure that he is not.
Like many who enter the psychiatric profession, Frasier is a trusting man.
You took advantage of his trust.
He turned to you for a day of relaxation and instead you gave him this - a cruel, malicious, moronic prank.
A good-natured, fun, character-building, moronic prank.
If there's any decency among you, you'll go back and find him.
- I'll go.
- Thank you for that flash of humanity.
I can't believe this.
I'm furious with all of you for what you did.
Frasier, I can explain.
Why did you introduce me to that sport? I'm hooked on it.
I was hoping you'd come back here and I want to apologise.
After a couple of hours in the position, I heard some snipe in the bush, so I went off to pursue them and I got lost in the woods.
I scrambled about for a while until I heard the sound of cars.
So I flagged down an eighteen-wheeler and made my way back.
Good friends, I'm sorry.
I let you down.
It's the last thing I wanted to do.
- Frasier, are you sure you're all right? - Diane, I'm aglow.
I'm transported.
I don't expect you to understand.
It has to do with the bond between men.
Coach, set up my buddies.
I want to drink to the camaraderie of this night.
- You don't have to do that, Frasier.
- Come on, what the hell? - It is the bagger's prerogative.
- Marvellous tradition.
Let's drink to it.
May I have a word in private? It's about what happened tonight.
You're interfering with male bonding.
To snipe hunting.
The most humane of sports.
No guns.
No knives.
Just a man and a plain simple bag.
Like you and Diane.
Come on.
Guys make jokes about their mates, right? You probably think I'm being manic, but I haven't spent that much time out of doors in my life.
I was exhilarated.
It was a revelation to me how quiet it was.
I heard an owl for the first time.
I finally understand why guys get hung up on going to the woods - camping, fishing.
Wait until you come home with a snipe strapped to the hood of your car? That's a thrill of a lifetime.
My one regret is we didn't get a snipe.
It's all my fault.
- I let you guys down.
- No, you didn't disappoint us.
If there's one thing you didn't do, it was disappoint us.
I think it's time that we told you a little something here.
The fellas and I I hate to interrupt, but you should go freshen up.
You're right, Diane.
I'm filthy.
I want to thank all of you for caring enough to include me tonight.
I don't believe it.
That guy is a bigger boob than Cliff.
No argument here.
What was the problem there? - I was just going to tell him the truth.
- Do you have to? What's the good if you can't laugh in his face about it? Listen to me.
This may be hard for you to understand, most things are, but finding out that he was the butt of your joke would be devastating.
He's always been the odd-man-out.
The kids would choose up sides for softball, he was the last one picked.
"You take the girl, we'll take Frasier.
" Yeah, I remember.
I always used to feel sorry for those guys.
Even when I was doing it to them.
Yeah, Frasier was lucky.
Some children were laughed off the playground entirely.
- Not me.
I was always out there.
- And you still are.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but nothing like that ever really happened to me.
Wait a minute, Sam.
When I told you that you weren't invited to the Red Sox alumni dinner this year? I wasn't invited to the alumni dinner? No, what am I talking about? They're not even having a dinner.
But while I'm thinking about it, can I have Saturday night off? - What for? - Death in the family.
Come on.
We got to tell Frasier.
You're holding up the laugh fest? We don't have to tell Frasier and we're not going to ever.
- Then why did we do it? - You're obviously bored with lip diddling.
He's going to find out eventually.
We should be the ones to tell him because we did the hard work.
He might not find out.
Frasier isn't an outdoorsman.
If he should find out about it years later, he'll be able to laugh about it.
Especially if some or all of you are dead.
- That isn't asking much, is it? - Well, actually I - Sam.
- What? There's one other thing I want you to know.
Lord knows why, but Frasier thinks of you as a friend.
As a matter of fact, he thinks of you as one of his closest friends.
- Get out of here.
- He does, Sam.
Jeez, what a boo boo bootiful guy he is.
All right.
We'll do it your way.
Fellas, nobody tells Frasier the truth, OK? Well, it's a stupid oversight.
If Sam Malone isn't invited, I'm not coming.
I'm kidding.
I'll be there.
Eight o'clock.
Wrong number.
Thank you, everyone.
Believe me, it's best to let this matter drop.
No need for Frasier to suffer any embarrassment.
"Let the matter drop.
" I deserted and now I need a woman to plead my case.
If you feel that strong about it, maybe, we could take another shot at it.
You'd do that for me? Yeah, you bet we would.
- Fine.
Well, let's get back out there.
- Out where? - In the wilds where the snipe run free.
- No.
I looked in the mirror.
Do you know what I saw? A quitter.
A man who lets his buddies down.
I want to prove myself.
Well, hear that guys? Looks like Frasier wants to go back out there tonight.
Tonight is the night of the full moon.
Sam told me the snipe run best when it's a full moon.
- I said that.
- That's right.
- And they'd be running all night, right? - I said that, too.
- Well, then what are we waiting for? - Nothing.
Let's get out of here.
You're the first bagger I ever met to go snipe hunting twice in the same night.
You're going to go down in the annals.
Sam, please.
Thanks for making us promise not to tell him.
So we give him a double whammy.
Frasier, I need a moment alone with you.
- Can't this wait? - We're feeling the thrill of the hunt.
- Yeah, so does Frasier.
- Frasier Women.
I guess she wants to kiss me.
You have to indulge them.
- Dames.
- That is why I don't have a girlfriend.
Reason number 27.
Frasier, sometimes people do thoughtless things.
They don't mean any harm.
They just don't know any better.
You sound like the psychologist I had at eight.
What are you trying to say? They played a childish prank on you.
- I know that.
- What? A man does not crouch in the woods for hours without having a revelation or two.
So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you? Yes.
Frasier, how devious.
But why didn't you tell me? - You'd have thought it was too cruel.
- Are you kidding? I would've helped.
- This is so unlike you.
- But it's what guys do.
We screw each other to the wall.
Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.
When we get up to that clearing, I'm going to get them to pose for a photo.
After they disappear into the woods I'm going to rush drive back and make you one of my famous omelettes.
- Frasier, I find your cunning arousing.
- Well, that's what it's there for, baby.
I've got to share this with the troops.
You're not going to believe this but Diane just attempted to tell me that there's no such thing as a snipe.
They will say anything to keep me at home.
You will not be a snipe widow.
All right now, men.
Let's go get one.
To the woods.
I'm sorry, but in years to come we're going to have a good laugh over this.
- Not all of us will be laughing.
- You'll see.
Trust me.
- Hey, look, it's starting to snow.
- Don't worry, the colder the better.