Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Bartender's Tale

THE BARTENDER'S TALE - Who's the lovely lady? - An applicant for the waitress job.
It isn't easy for him to find somebody to work for the wages he pays you.
With tips I clear about 500 bucks a week, Clavin.
- That can't be right, is it? - I did her taxes.
You're saying that a Federal employee, entrusted with the most noble service of our society, makes less money than a wench who serves beer to slobs on bar stools? Makes sense to me, Cliffie.
No, really, I could go up to three days or so without mail.
Carla, I'd like you to meet Sydney.
Sydney is an applicant for our waitress opening.
She passed my interview with flying colours.
Pending your approval, I'd like to start her this afternoon.
- Have you served the public before? - You mean dressed? Take a hike, Sydney.
I'll call you this afternoon, see how you're doing.
Thank you.
You're a very nice man.
You're nice, too.
We've only known each other for a few minutes, but I feel like we've known each other all day.
- Yeah, me, too.
- You take care.
You know, Sam, when Diane left for Europe thank you, God you promised to hire an actual waitress, not a girl that you love and leave.
They're bad for business.
They never last a week and I do all the work.
You can give your approval before I hire them, but you don't have to be so picky.
I want someone who doesn't make us think of the word boob at the same time.
What is this, IBM? Come on, let's not argue about this.
We can find somebody who's going to make us both very happy.
- Brenda Wood? - Hi.
That's me.
Hi there, Brenda.
Come on down here.
Let's take a look at your application.
I see that your turn-ons include banana daiquiris by a fireside, and men in tight jeans.
- You're cute.
- I'm sold.
Come over here.
- I'd like you to meet Brenda.
- Beat it.
- But, Sam - You heard me.
Back to the bimbo union hall.
Darn it, Brenda.
I guess Carla thought you were overqualified.
You know what might ease that sting of rejection? What would happen if I were to slip into tight jeans this weekend and have you over to my place for a banana daiquiri? - Do you have a fireplace? - No, but I got a sofa that's flammable.
- That'd be fine.
- All right.
You take care.
- The search continues, Sammy? - It's tough being me.
- OK, Lillian Huxley.
- How do you do, Mr Malone? Hi, Lillian.
Thank you for coming down, but this position has been filled already.
- We'll keep your résumé on file.
- Freeze, slimeball.
- Yes, Carla.
- You lech.
This is the best résumé I've ever seen.
Look at these references.
She's been schlepping booze for 25 years.
And my turn-ons include hunting dogs, Thackeray and Welsh rarebit.
She's exactly what we need.
A career waitress.
- You are? - That I am, Mr Malone.
I'm one of those people who felt the tug of their true calling early in life.
When I was but 18, I filled in one day for a mate at a pub.
Excuse me.
I realised that day that I could have no happier or finer destiny in store than distributing refreshments in a public house.
Through the years I've lead many a rugger side in a bawdy song, and countless times offered my shoulder to cry on.
But never once have I regretted my decision.
I shall consider my life well spent if it can be honestly carved on my gravestone "Lillian Huxley never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale, "and she always brought him a wee bit more than a pint.
" Bravo! I'm not too sure I like her attitude.
Bene, molto bene.
Your heat control is over there.
If you need anything, call the front desk.
Thank you very much.
That'll be all.
Listen, 200,000 lire, that's about right, right? - Grazie, signore.
- Prego.
Frasier, a letter from Cheers.
Wait, it's not a letter.
It's a Lillian Huxley's résumé.
And it's signed, "Ha ha, you're out of here for ever.
" Always nice to hear from Carla.
Diane, Cheers is thousands of miles away.
Let's leave them on the other side of the great ocean? - Of course.
I love you.
- Et tu, Diane.
Did I just hear you say that you tipped that bellboy 200,000 lire? What is it? A dollar or two? This inflated currency is ridiculous.
I keep expecting a bum to walk up and ask for a million lire for a cup of coffee.
You tipped the man $100 to bring our bags eight feet.
Are you sure? This'll get a hearty laugh out of the folks at the institute.
Just explain it to him.
I'm sure he'll understand.
- You mean go down and get it back? - What else? These people think so little of Americans as it is - I'll go.
- No.
If I send a woman, they'd think even less of me.
I'll do it.
My brave little tourist.
I guess it's time to nip this thing in the bud.
Come in.
Let's sing "Don't Dilly Dally On The Way".
No, I'm tired of that one.
How about a little "Knees Up, Mother Brown"? No, I'm afraid I'm too overcome.
All right, let's sell some beers around here.
My aching back.
My postal career is over.
Cliff, you look terrible.
- Was today Sears catalogue day? - That's right.
Yeah and that's not all.
Spiegel catalogue came out at the same time.
It's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.
- Come here, you great silly sausage.
- What's going on? Hush, pet.
Fear not.
One, two Hey, Lillian, thank you very much.
I feel like grabbing every woman in the joint and just dancing.
How much to put him back the way he was? Carla, I've got customers to serve.
Well, Sammy, Lillian's week is almost up.
Will you keep her on? I'm dying of curiosity.
I admit when I'm wrong.
She's terrific.
The customers love her.
She's perfect.
There's no chance of any romantic complication to screw things up.
No more sex stuff with anybody even remotely connected with this bar.
Promise? On my honour, as a great looking human being.
Anyway, I have just seen the woman in whose arms I hope to die.
Hi there.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Sam Malone, the next love of your life.
- I've heard you Yanks were bold.
- You sound exactly like - Carolyn.
- Mummy.
- Sam.
- Carla.
Your mother never told me she had a daughter.
She never told me she had such a handsome boss.
Carolyn's visiting her old mummy for a few days.
- Lillian, you're up here.
- Excuse me.
I must teach this bloke how to play a proper game of darts.
I'll be back in an embarrassingly short time.
So, Carolyn, how do you like Boston now that you've seen the sight? - I love it.
- Sam, could I talk to you? - Not now.
- Now.
I'm on final approach and am cleared for landing.
Haul your butt over here now, sky king.
Will you excuse me for a moment? What? If you take Carolyn out, it's going to go bad like always and you'll lose the two best waitresses you ever had.
- Carla, I hardly - I'm warning you.
You go out with her and I quit.
- You don't mean that.
- Try me.
OK, all right.
As far as I'm concerned, Carolyn's off limits.
That's your brain talking, Sam.
I would like to hear from the part of your body that does the thinking.
It's in agreement, too.
I'm sorry to be such a miserable host here.
So you're from England? Yes.
I'm just in the States for a few days to shoot a layout for British Vogue.
That calls for a little of the old welcome-to-the-US champagne.
- Great.
- A little of the old bubbly here.
So you're a model? Yes, I do lingerie mostly.
Teddies, merry widows, garter belts.
- This is my portfolio.
- I'll give you $1,000 for it.
I don't know if I want you to look at it.
I only brought it in to show mummy.
Come on.
Give her a little privacy.
- I suppose it won't do any harm.
- All right, here we go.
Interesting shot.
I like that one.
That's nice.
That's nice lighting on that one.
Bet they used an f-stop on that one.
Now, see, I like the composition on that.
- What are those? Ducks? - Yes, that's right.
I really didn't want to do this one nude, but you know No, I think it's very tasteful.
It makes a point.
Sammy, the ice.
Thank you very much.
Could you just give me a second here? I'll be right back.
Carla, can I speak to you for a moment here? Remember that conversation we had about me not going out with Carolyn? Can we pretend it never took place? You bet.
I'll just go pack my stuff.
Nice knowing you.
come on.
The lady is coming on to me.
If I resist, I could damage some organs here.
I don't care.
If you go out with her, I quit.
OK, all right, fine.
There are millions of women on this planet.
I can certainly forgo one of them.
Ironic that she's the most gorgeous one I've ever seen, but that's life.
Sam, the champagne is marvellous.
You know how to make a girl feel welcome.
That's nothing.
I do that for everybody.
She's really coming on to Sam, isn't she? Sam.
That's rich.
Norm, your naivety amazes me.
What are you talking about? She's doing all this for my benefit.
You notice she's talking loud so I can hear everything? That woman wants me more than any woman has wanted me before.
Cliffie, sometimes you really scare me.
Sam, what about this Cape Cod place I've been hearing about? I hear that it's terribly romantic at this time of year.
Well, you know, I guess it could be.
Tell me, are there any clothing-optional beaches there? I like to get an all-over tan.
I know it's more common in Europe than it is in America, so I came prepared with a bikini, but it's such a skimpy little thing.
I'm having a real hard time with this map.
I just can't make head or tail of it.
I really don't think I'm going to be able to find my way there.
I'll take you.
- Great.
What a lovely surprise.
- I'll take you.
I'll let Carla go and I'll take you.
I'll turn this into a self-serve bar and I'll take you.
- When did you have in mind? - I'll take you right this very minute.
- My car is outside.
- What the hell's going on? Carla, I can explain this.
I'll take you.
- You make me sick.
- I know.
I'll take you.
Carla, I'm a weak man.
Someday I will find a cure for what I have, but please, let me have this.
Don't make me beg.
Please, don't make me beg, Carla.
- Tell your mommy not to make me beg.
- Get off.
- Is that a yes? - At least she's not Diane.
- Look, I'll tell you what.
- What? Tell Lillian you're taking her daughter out.
If she says it's OK, I'll stick around for a while.
Is that all? I'll do it.
I'll make you proud of me.
Just one more minute.
Have one more for the bed, the beach, the road.
Lillian, can I see you in my office for a minute? - Certainly.
Back in a jiffy, darling.
- Super, Mummy.
Carolyn's filling out nicely, don't you think? Lillian, I got a problem here.
In the past I've gotten into trouble with my waitresses by getting romantically involved with them.
You are a fantastic waitress.
I do not want to do anything to lose you.
Don't say another word.
I understand you completely.
- You do? - Of course.
Thank you.
I just wanted to get your approval first.
Sam, how can you be so civilised when your very blood is boiling? Don't you think I haven't been feeling the same urges? Don't you think I haven't felt the same unconquerable chemistry? Denying ourselves has been as treacherous for me as it has for you.
- That is what you meant, isn't it? - You bet.
This whole thing just kind of snuck up on me, that's all.
Well, I won't pretend this hasn't happened to me before.
Spend any amount of time in a man's presence and I send out a sort of well, let's face it erotic signals.
Would you wait here for just a minute? I need to talk to Carla.
Carla is the person that I usually Trust me.
Sam, are you ready to take me down to that Cape? - Just one minute.
- What happened? I know it's bad.
Lillian thought I wanted to go out with her.
She's got third-degree Sammies.
- I knew it.
- Don't panic.
I can handle this.
We need a solution.
I can always fall back on the truth.
You can't do that.
If you tell her you're not interested now, she's going to quit.
If she gets hurt and quits, I'll be hurt and quit.
If I get hurt and quit, then you'll be as good as dead.
What am I going to do? My mind doesn't work like this.
It's trained to get women into bed.
- What would Diane do? - Talk till we puke.
I got it.
Lillian is smarter than us, right? You go in there and tell her, "Lillian, we can't do this, because well, you know.
" - No.
- That's what you say.
- She'll fill in the rest.
- That's brilliant.
How does the part go that I say again? Come on.
"We can't do this, because well, you know.
" No, I don't.
I wouldn't be asking you to repeat it if I did.
That's perfect.
Sam, my dear, you're damp.
It's the sweat of passion.
Lillian, we can't do this because well, you know.
- Yes, I suppose I do.
- You do? - Sam, why are you dancing? - I'm just I was relieved that I wasn't the only one who knew why we couldn't do this.
I love this job.
I need this job.
Carla needs me so much.
I would miss all these wonderful people.
We must preserve a proper working relationship no matter what the pain.
It's sad.
I mean, it's so very sad.
Buck up, Sam.
I'm sure it's all for the best.
You're young and not so schooled in the ways of love as I.
Such a coupling could be fatal.
I've already had two husbands die in bed.
I'm sorry.
What did they die of? You child.
Really? Yes, they fainted, which all my men do.
But they never came to.
They fainted? You're saying that that's normal? Well, I don't want to gloat, but yes, it has been known.
Were these healthy guys to begin with? They weren't athletes such as yourself, but they certainly weren't weaklings.
Why do you ask? I was just thinking that maybe No, you're absolutely right.
Back to work.
We must get back to work, Sam.
I don't want to beat this to death, but when these guys went, were they smiling? Ear to ear.
- And that was the grumpy one.
- I'll be darned.
- So, what happened? - Everything's OK.
I guess.
Sam, are we ever going to get to this Cape? Right.
You're taking my daughter sightseeing? - If it's OK with you? - I think it's an absolutely wonderful idea.
Besides, it will take your mind off what you really want.
Yeah, maybe.
Well, Carolyn, it's just you and me off to that famous Cape.
Here we go.
Do you mind if I ask you kind of a personal question here? What's that? Could you tell me, how did your father die? The coroner said it was a heart attack.
But we all know it was Mummy's passion that killed him.
Well, that's tragic.
I suppose that's why I hate sex so.
The very idea gives me the chills.
Well, let's go.
Didn't you