Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Rescue Me

RESCUE ME Say, aren't you Ernie Pantusso? - Are you talking to me, sir? - Yeah.
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- Do you remember me? - No, I'm sorry.
I don't.
- Let me give you a hint.
- I like hints.
Shortstop.
Topeka, 1947.
My nickname was "Fancy Dan".
Joe Pitney! No, Ernie.
I'm Dan Corelli.
Danny Corelli! My God, am I happy to see you! Everybody, listen up.
This is one of the most amazing men in the world.
One of the most amazing men that ever stepped into a baseball diamond.
He was a great ball-player.
I know, I played against him.
But, listen, the man is totally blind! - I'm not blind and I never was.
- Come on, Corelli, don't be modest.
You were a legend.
You were an absolute legend.
The whole league talked about the blind man who played for Topeka.
You're all confused.
They called me the Blind Man because I sold venetian blinds door-to-door during the off season.
My God, how did he find the doorbell? Is that an inspirational story or not? They didn't buy your product out of pity, I'm telling you.
- I'll see you later.
- Watch the steps there, please! I think he can see as well as we can.
Carla, in some ways, he can see more.
- Thanks for the hot tip.
- What are you talking about? You said Vera's cousin Natalie would go out with me.
I didn't say she'd go out with you.
I said she'd go out with anyone.
I called her and she shot me down.
It doesn't make any sense.
Vera said this woman was desperate.
What did you say? I said hello, did my icebreaker joke, and asked her out.
What was your icebreaker joke? - A cute little pervert imitation I do.
- What? Not pervert, more like an obscene phone call.
Heavy breathing and all.
Ma roars at it.
Hello, Natalie.
What are you wearing? You wanna know what I'm Yeah, sure.
Tomorrow you're all gonna be using it.
Everyone raves about this place.
The chef is a genius.
I'm so glad we got a reservation.
- I want tonight to be perfect.
- It will be.
I'm gonna get the best table, no matter how many palms I have to cross.
Buona notte.
Crane, party of two.
Crane? Ah, Crane.
- Signore, please, this way.
- Grazie.
I'd like the finest table you have.
Something quiet, near the Any place is fine.
If the food's so good, why is it empty? I don't know.
Welcome to Luigi's.
Our world-renowned chef, Luigi, would like to welcome you personally, but he's dead.
We buried him this morning.
Is this table satisfactory? This morning? And you're open? Yes.
It was one of Luigi's last wishes.
- Would it be easier on you if we left? - No, no, no! The new man is a very fine cook.
He studied under the world's greatest chef.
Stay.
Stay, prego.
Well, we're very hungry.
Can you recommend an appetizer? Yes, the Calamari alla Luigi is very good.
Well, we'll have an order of that and a bottle of your best chianti.
Boy, can I show a girl a good time.
Frasier, don't feel bad.
It's not your fault.
I don't know.
The harder I try to please you, the more I mess up.
I wanted tonight to be perfect so that I could ask you to marry me.
How you talk! Dr Marino arranged for us to marry tomorrow at his estate in Florence.
You're serious.
Well, Diane, this trip has put us to the test.
I've seen you at your best and your worst.
I didn't think your worst was all that bad.
Especially when it was only in small doses.
The more I know you, the more I want you.
Will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world? Frasier, I'm so nervous.
I didn't have the slightest indication this was coming.
Well, of course, my Look what I've done.
May I have your napkin? I'll be right back.
Fancy answering machine, Sam.
Deluxe model, top of the line.
I can't talk to answering machines.
And you're such a whiz with people.
You think it's a convenience but it's a poor substitute for a human being.
- You should trash it.
- This is an expensive machine.
I'm talking about Carla.
Like to see her top that one.
Touché! I'm not much for these things.
Why do you need one? I've been missing calls.
People screw up messages.
We always get your messages right.
Think we're too stupid to take a message? That hurts, Sam.
Sorry, but I think it's better to have a machine.
Does anyone know how to record on this? You press that little red button.
Talk right into the machine.
Keep it simple.
Tell them to leave names and numbers.
I'll make jungle noises in the background.
Quiet for a second, everybody.
Hi, this is Sam Malone.
Suckered you in.
I'm not here.
Do you like talking to a machine? At the beep, leave your name, number, and something that'll get me hot.
Hope that was for your private line.
I wouldn't waste a bon mot like that on business stuff.
- Would someone get that for me? - Well, gee, I'll try.
Hello? - Wanna help me, guys? - Yeah.
Hello? - Hello.
Come in? - Cheers.
- Hello, it's me.
- Hold on a second.
Been dreaming about me again? Actually, I'm calling to talk to everyone.
Chat a little.
Tell you how nice the weather's been.
How romantic Europe has been.
Yes, it's been very romantic.
The kind of place that makes a man lose his head and propose to a gal on a night such as this.
So, who do you wanna speak to next? I'm talking about Frasier.
He had a couple of sips of chianti tonight and asked me to marry him.
Did you say a couple of sips or barrels? - I knew you'd be this way.
- No, I'm not being any way.
So what'd you tell him? I haven't told him anything yet.
I'm just basking in the moment.
I see.
So what's the problem? You told me you and Frasier are a perfect match.
There's no problem.
Tell everyone that I'll call after the wedding tomorrow.
Tomorrow? What's the rush? Frasier has thoughtfully and romantically arranged for us to be married at the Marino estate.
It's a landmark, one of the most beautiful estates in Florence.
So are you gonna say yes? You think I should say something else? No.
No, you don't think I should say something else, or no, you think I should say no? Yes.
Yes, I should say yes, or yes, I should say something else? Congratulations.
I'm very happy for you.
I see.
If you have nothing more to say, I'd better be getting back to Frasier.
You probably want to accept before he sobers up.
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
What's wrong, Sam? Diane is gonna marry Frasier tomorrow in Florence.
Sam, free at last! How about a little sensitivity? He's broken up.
If Diane says she's in love with Frasier and wants to marry him, I'm happy for her.
She got what she wanted.
Maybe she called so you could talk her out of marrying him.
No, she wanted to gloat.
She wanted you to tell her you care for her.
You bet.
So that she could laugh in my face.
But I didn't fall for her little trick, so I get to laugh in her face.
Hear me? I'm laughing.
- The man is a rock.
- From the neck up.
Hello, Diane.
I was just ordering the chef's special.
What took you so long? Frasier, I was overwhelmed.
I needed a little time to myself.
Now I know what my answer was all along.
Yes, I'll marry you.
Diane, you've made me so happy.
Finally, something has gone right.
- Tonight is perfect.
- Yes.
I'm sorry, we tried to stay open but the people in the kitchen can't go on.
They're not taking Luigi's death as well as I am.
Please, accept our apologies.
Here is the bill.
The bill? For what? Sir, I'm not interested in squabbling with you on this night.
Here, are you satisfied? Go back to Pittsburgh, USA.
Keep your money for your cowboy boots and missiles.
This place is overrated! I do.
- Diane! - I Diane! Don't do this! What the hell? Excuse me, Father.
Sam, what on earth are you doing here? Why are you marrying Frasier? - I love him, of course.
- No.
No.
Look me in the eye.
Now say that.
I can't.
You love me.
Admit it.
- Now, look here - I'm sorry, Frasier.
Diane and I belong together.
I know it's nuts, but we both know it's true.
You're right.
I can't keep playing it safe, even if I get hurt.
I have to admit I love you.
I've always loved you and I always will.
- Frasier, will you forgive me? - You know I will.
I guess I knew you two would end up together.
- You're a good man, Frasier.
- I try.
A dear, sweet, lovely man.
Be happy, Diane.
Well, Sam, I'm all yours.
Come on.
Let's go show Europe what romance means.
It's not going to be like before.
I'll make you happier than you thought possible.
I'll respect you and accept you, and I won't complain or argue or be jealous.
And I'll stop thinking the life out of everything.
I'll do all I can to make sure you enjoy life to the fullest.
If that means letting you date other women while I remain faithful to you, so be it.
Your love is worth the price.
I think this is gonna work this time.
Sam! I'm sorry.
My mind was somewhere else.
If we don't get some beers to this crowd, they'll turn ugly.
Too late! Does anyone know how long it takes to get to Italy from here? OK, nobody panic! You can make it from here to Italy in 8 hours, 37 minutes, 22 seconds.
- With a good tail wind.
- Seriously? Unless you take the polar route.
Then you run into those convex currents created by the aurora borealis.
You're a roaring bore-ealis.
Get hold of yourself, Sam.
You're losing it.
- You have a travel agent, don't you? - Yeah.
Cathy.
Find out of I can get onto a plane tonight to Florence.
- Bingo.
- What are you doing? Can't you see this is a twisted cry for help? Sammy, I'm here for you.
Knock it off.
I'm not saying I'm going.
I just wanna find out if I can.
I don't get it, Sammy.
Why Diane? Why not arsenic or strychnine? Let's see if I'm following this.
Carla, you think Diane is bad for Sam.
Oh, boy.
This is the craziest thing I've ever considered.
You think I should go through with this? I think that you and Diane are lovely, special people.
Alone.
Separately.
Individually.
Together, frankly, you stink.
To the casual observer, your running off to Italy would seem stupid beyond reason.
- I'm going.
- That's what I'd do.
She'll try to change you.
You can't be something you're not.
You're a hound.
You were born a hound.
You'll always be a hound.
- You live for the hunt.
- People change.
Hounds can change.
Thank you, Cathy.
There's a flight leaving in 45 minutes, Flight 893, Captain Omar Wilkins.
Good man.
Movie is "Blame It on Rio", edited for in-flight viewing, and I recommend the chicken Diablo.
- Thank you.
- Roger, wilco.
I'm out of here.
Look at that pretty girl by the phone.
- You looked.
You know why? - You told me to.
I'm telling you not to go.
You're not listening to that.
You looked because you're Sammy.
I don't wanna lose that guy.
- I like him a lot.
- You're not gonna lose him.
I promise.
Listen, I gotta do this.
It's not for me.
It's not for Diane.
It's for Frasier.
Nobody deserves to be married to that woman.
I'm not saying I'm gonna marry her.
I just I can't let her make this kind of mistake.
Sammy, liftoff's at 0-4-0 and counting.
I'll call you from Florence.
Talk about romantic.
If I was a woman, I'd be crying.
What would you do if you were a man? I suppose it's possible that Diane will marry Frasier anyway.
Not a chance, come on.
No woman would turn down a man like Sammy who crossed the ocean for her.
Well, a toast to Sammy, somewhere high over the Atlantic.
Or, if he's lucky, in it.
The operator's connecting me.
Even if you get your mother, she won't be in time for the wedding.
- She'd have to be in the air already.
- I want to tell her we're getting married.
Look at that peasant woman by the tree.
Wouldn't that make a beautiful picture? The essence of Italy.
Give your mother my love.
Please, Sam, for once in your life, have done the right thing.
Don't be at Cheers.
Be on a plane.
No, as far as I know, Paul Revere never went to Florida.
But Let me get it.
It's Sam's private line.
The machine will pick up.
Hi, this is Sam Malone.
Frasier, I've been thinking.
We're so far from Florence and we're having car trouble.
Fate is telling us something.
Why not just get married here in this little town, right now? - Wouldn't that be romantic? - Diane, I love that idea.
- Let's do it.
- I love you.
Are you cold, sir? No.
No, I'm not.
I just had a chill, I guess.
- If there's anything I can do - I'm fine.
But don't go too far away.
I think I may need some assistance.
English