Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Birth, Death, Love and Rice

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Carla, give me a beer.
- Right.
What's the story with Sam? Isn't he back from ltaly yet? No.
Three whole days, and we haven't heard a word.
He just went there to stop Diane and Frasier from getting married.
Don't know what could be taking him so long.
Maybe Frasier's still thanking him.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane now had a "Malone" after her name.
Well, could be, Cliffie.
That ltaly's an awfully darn romantic place.
I almost went there myself on my honeymoon.
Had the plane reservations and the hotel reservations.
Everything.
Well, what stopped you, Norm? Oh, Vera.
You know, she insisted on coming.
I bet you wanna know how it went in ltaly.
No, no, not really.
How about you, Cliffie? Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Got off the plane and I took a cab to the Marino estate, where I had been told they were gonna get married.
But they wouldn't let me in, so I jumped over the fence and landed in the middle of seven snarling rottweilers.
Rottweilers.
It comes from the German word "Rott--" - Cliff, shut up.
- Yes, sir.
Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs by diving into a moat.
While the police were fishing me out, I discovered that Diane and Frasier had decided to get married someplace else.
This was right before they threw me in jail.
Jail? How'd you get out? Well, a local landowner bailed me out.
Actually, he didn't bail me out.
There's a different system over there.
He purchased me.
Seems Seems his ox died or something.
I really don't wanna talk about this anymore.
I'm gonna be in my office.
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
I am through with that woman forever.
I will never think about, see or mention her ever again.
And if anyone even uses the words "Diane Chambers," I will have no other choice but to kill that person.
Wow.
Poor guy.
Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow? Who said that? No!.
No!.
No!.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! What do you say, Norm? Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
- Hey, Norman.
- You seem pretty chipper today.
A few notches up from your usual abysmal.
Well, thank you, Cliffie.
That's because I have a little bit of good news here.
- What's that? - You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.
- Hey! - Have a cigar.
Whoa.
Well, I think this calls for some champagne here.
- Well, thank you, Sam.
- What sex do you want it to be? Sex? Come on, I thought you just asked for the vintage.
You know? Wait, wait.
I see your mistake.
Vera's not with child.
She just told me I didn't have to try to get her pregnant anymore.
Let's celebrate! Come on! Party! This is amazing.
Hundreds of bottles.
Red and white wine glasses.
High-grade Naugahyde stool covers.
And a brass rail.
And a big-city bartender with a joke at the ready.
You from out of town? Okay, I'll bite.
Yeah, I'm from out of town.
Can I help you? Well, that went right over my head.
- Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd.
- Woody.
Hi, I'm Sam Malone.
Howdy.
I'm a friend of Coach's.
Is he around? I'm sorry, Woody.
I guess you hadn't heard.
No, Coach passed away a couple of months ago.
But, yeah, I'd like to think he's still around.
Coach, gone.
I can hardly believe it.
Well, he had a lot of friends.
I don't-- I don't remember him mentioning a Woody.
Well, we never met.
We were kind of like pen pals.
You exchanged letters? No, pens.
It was Coach's idea.
Oh, well, that figures.
Can I get you something to drink here? Well, a soda pop would be good.
Soda pop.
All right, all right.
See, I got in the habit of writing to the bars in the big city, in the hopes of landing a job, and once I wrote a letter to Cheers, and Coach answered my letter.
I liked him right away.
Maybe it was because he was the only one who wrote back to me.
Woody, did you say you were looking for work? Well, actually, I came to Boston on a fact-finding tour.
See, I tend bar back home in lndiana.
Well, it's not a bar exactly.
It's more like a pigsty with a jukebox, if we had a jukebox.
Carla.
I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd.
Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
- Hi, ma'am.
- Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean? I believe it's a term of respect.
No wonder it sounded so weird.
Who is this guy? Well, he's a friend of Coach's, and he's looking for work.
What do you think? You wanna give him a try? Me? Mr Malone, this is the proudest day of my life! I'd work like a slave and I wouldn't take anything more than minimum wage.
And, of course, I'd wash your car.
And if you ever need someone to just, you know, yell at, I'm your man.
I think we better keep him, Sam.
He wouldn't be safe on the streets.
- Thanks, Carla.
- What the hell.
Woody, come on around here and we'll check you out.
You won't regret it, Mr Malone.
I love bartending.
You get behind a bar, and right away strangers are your best friends.
They call you great names, like "buddy" and "pal" and "chief" and "ace.
" Here's your apron, sport.
Sport! Another great one! But listen, let me make one thing clear.
One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.
Hey, Cliffie, next time you try to imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
You kidding, Norm? I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
Cliff, Norm, Woody Boyd.
Woody's gonna be helping us out around here.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- All right.
- What's your pleasure, gents? Make it anything you want.
Now, where I come from, all anyone ever drinks is beer.
Beer's fine, but any monkey can pull down a tap.
Why study years to be an ace mixologist just to serve beer after beer after beer? So, what will it be? Beer.
Same.
So while it's a common belief that the Tyrannosaurus rex was the king of the dinosaurs, you know, as a-- As indicated by the appellative "-saurus," the smartest of the spiny reptiles was actually the thyropatroid.
Frasier W.
Crane.
Oh, the man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.
Found out he had to keep the rest of her.
Hello, Carla, Norm, Cliff.
It's been a long time.
Yeah, we got a lot of catching up to do.
So, what's new? - I couldn't begin to tell you.
- Okay, well, that's even better.
What's your pleasure? My life is devoid of pleasure.
You need a good laugh.
Are you from out of town? Just give me a whiskey, punk.
Punk! Oh, that's great! Where's Malone? I mean, where's my good friend Sam? Mr Malone's in his office.
You want me to give him a buzz? No, no, I'll surprise him.
Oh, by the way, any peculiar noises you hear coming out of that room, don't let it bother you.
It's just a couple of old friends having a little fun together.
Yo.
I think my joke loosened him up a little.
Hello, Sam, old buddy.
Frasier.
What the hell are you doing here? - Are you alone? - Yes, I'm alone.
I didn't marry Diane.
You didn't? No, I didn't.
Does that make you happy? Well, I'm happy for you.
Just how'd you manage that? Well, she left me at the altar.
I had just vowed to take her for my wife.
The priest asked her if she would marry me.
She looked around and asked if he was talking to her.
He nodded, and she was gone.
Gee, Fras, that's tough.
She just took off, huh? No explanation or anything? Well, there was no explanation necessary.
It was you she loved all along.
And it was the thought of you that made me lose her.
The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university and then to the entire ltalian countryside.
Everyone knew about it.
Everyone knew about my shame.
- You must have been imagining that.
- Oh, was l? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a "Frasier"? That could be a coincidence.
If he's knocked cold, it's called a "Frasier Crane.
" I've lost everything, Malone.
My tenure, my practice and my Diane.
My life is ruined, and it's all your fault.
Now, don't you think someone should pay for that? If by "someone," you mean someone in this room, I can I can honestly answer no, I don't.
Oh, come on.
Oh, wait-- What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
- Certainly it's loaded.
- No, it isn't.
Of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person.
He never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry.
He was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he's not a threat now.
Is that it, Sam? No, it's just the little holes there are empty.
Once again, you're ahead of me, Sam.
I just hoped to see you quaking in your boots a little bit or something, but you've cheated me even of that.
Boy.
Boy, you're really bent out of shape over this, aren't you? Just out of totally idle curiosity, whatever did happen to Diane? Well, I was recently informed by my mentor, Dr Bennett Ludlow, whose care I'm now under, incidentally.
And believe me, he's doing a heck of a job.
He told me that she's at St.
Anselm's Abbey, an hour outside of Boston, with the Sisters of the Divine Severity.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.
You can't be a nun if you've already-- Oh, she's not becoming a nun, you idiot! She's working there.
She's cleaning, serving meals, wearing sackcloth, - that sort of thing.
- I'll be damned.
You see, after she left me, Diane embarked upon a spree of decadence in ltaly.
I'd hear stories about dancing on tables in caf├ęs, swimming in public fountains, cavorting with counts and soccer players.
Well, now she's doing penance for la dolce vita.
She's seeking peace.
I hope she's found it.
Diane, dancing on tabletops? You mean my--? Your--? Our--? The Diane? Yes, all of them.
But now listen, Sam, - you won't go and see her will you? - No! I mean, it would be disaster for everyone.
No, no.
Believe me, I wouldn't do that.
No, I'm over her.
You know, and if you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.
Oh, I'll forget about her.
I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.
There you go.
Well, I'm sorry about the histrionics, Sam.
- Oh, no, don't.
- You know, it's funny, even through all this, I still think of you as my goombah.
Well, it's best that I get going.
But let's do the lunch thing sometime.
I'd like that.
Yeah.
Take care.
You won't go see her? No way.
No.
- Hi, Diane.
- Hi, Sam.
Calm-- Calm down, here.
I just popped in to say howdy.
Are you okay? What the hell--? Heck are you doing here? I bumped into Frasier, and he told me that you checked into a convent, and I was afraid you got all squirrelly again.
Thank you for your carefully worded concern, - Well, now, you know-- - but I assure you, I am fine.
Oh, Sam, I was so sorry to hear about the Coach.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Not a day goes by when I don't miss him terribly.
Me too.
You know what helps me, though, is I always remember what he used to say about the afterlife, "l hope there are not a lot of stairs.
" - It's wise in its way.
- Yeah.
Sam, you're really gonna have to leave.
It's wrong for you to be here.
All right, but there's something I gotta say first, though.
All right, fine.
But if they find you, it's your problem.
- All right.
- I'm not covering for you.
Sister Catherine! Have you met the rice inspector? The rice inspector sent by the archdiocese to inspect the rice, which is what they do.
Ah, yes, very good.
Sam, what is it? Tell me what you have to say and then leave, please.
Listen, I want you to come back to Cheers.
I don't think you belong here, Diane.
No, Sam, I do belong here.
Although I'm not of their order, the sisters took me in, and working here among them has helped me find the peace that had so eluded me.
Besides, if I came back to Cheers, it would lead to nothing but terrible problems between you and me.
No, no, it's not like that anymore.
Because all I feel for you is the concern of a friend.
The same way I would for, say, Norm or a dog.
You say that, but you know our passions always overcome our intentions.
We say it's over, and yet we still end up in each other's arms, hugging, then kissing, perhaps lightly at first but then with open mouths hungry, probing tongues Go on, please.
I appreciate the offer, Sam, but I'm needed here, and I need to be here and I need to be needed here.
- You really mean this, don't you? - Yes, I do.
Well, I guess that's what matters.
I guess I better be going.
I recognised one of the ladies, and I think that I'm the reason why she's here in the first place.
I'm glad I got to see you.
Yeah, I'm glad I came.
Turned out kind of nice, huh? Yes, it was good.
I'm glad we had a chance to end it this way.
Cleanly, spiritually.
Free of rancour and sexual tens-- Tens-- Tension.
Whatever.
- Well, this is where it ends, huh? - Yeah.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I swore I'd never tell you this ever, but I guess maybe because we're never gonna see each other again You know, you always used to accuse me of being an unromantic slob, but you wanna know the truth? When you called me to tell me that you were marrying Frasier, I flew on a plane to ltaly to stop the wedding.
I guess I thought I was in love with you and that you and l should be married.
Not that I feel that way now.
But, well, I just thought you ought to know that.
Have a good life.
Bye.
Good evening.
Good-- Good evening, Sister Marie.
I heard that the rice inspector was here.
He wasn't the rice inspector.
He was a man from my past.
Say no more.
There's no need to explain.
- I feel I must.
- I knew you would.
He wanted me to return to the outside, to the life I used to know.
By the way, I hope you like this.
I got a little creative tonight.
- Oh, yet again.
- Taste it.
At any rate, I told him that I wasn't going to leave, that I'm needed too much here.
Do you think I am, Sister? I mean, I feel that I'm ready now to leave, to get on with my life, but I feel so safe here.
What do you think? Put your faith in God.
I know I'm going to.
Time to do the floors.
These ladies can be so messy.
Rice everywhere.
I haven't done this since I was a child but when in Rome Now, I know there are far greater problems in the world than mine, but I'm feeling as though I'm at a crossroads.
And I was wondering if you could give me a little sign to tell me what to do.
Excuse me.
Hi.
You wouldn't know where a men's room was around here, would you? Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent? Right now I would, yes.
Just any sign.
Something-- Oh! Oh! Well it's not the parting of the Red Sea.
That's nitpicking.