Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Diane's Nightmare

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Okay, guys, time's almost up.
How do they expect you to form words with all the letters mixed up like that? - That's the point of the game, Woody.
- Hey, Sam, where's Diane? She's been burning the midnight oil, studying for exams.
I'm letting her catch a few winks in the office.
She couldn't catch winks if she walked naked through a troop train.
Say, I wonder if she's dreaming about me.
Fat chance.
That's it, time's up.
What do you got? You first.
I've got "reap," "pear" and "ear.
" Well, I'm sorry, Woody.
I got those too, so it cancels yours out.
But I've also got "flork," "ferd" and "snot.
" Come on, man, there's no such word as "flork.
" What are you talking about? You know those little flags on the mailboxes? What do you think holds them on? Gee, Mr Clavin, you're so smart I don't even know why I bother playing with you.
You always win.
You know what I say, Woody? You just gotta be tenacious, just like the great horned "muren.
" Hey, well, besides, you almost beat me in the last game.
Yeah, just missed by a cat's "pleck.
" Yep.
Boy, that's some storm out there tonight, huh, Mr Clavin? Well, to the layman perhaps, Woody.
But in my profession we have a saying: "Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night shall stay this courier from the swift completion of his appointed rounds.
" Cliff, my car is stalled outside.
How about getting me your jumper cables? What, and catch my death? Hit the bricks.
Appreciate it.
Sam, table six wants a bottle of the house red.
Woody, would you mind going down to the wine cellar - and getting some more, please? - Of course not.
You know, I used to be afraid of the dark, but I got myself over it.
Oh, yeah? How'd you do that? Oh, well, I just shut my eyes and pretended it wasn't there.
Wine cellar? Since when have we had a wine cellar? Vodka rocks, please.
On your day off, I had a couple of workers checking the plumbing, and they discovered that there was a staircase behind the wall in the closet there.
That's amazing.
You mean it's just been there all this time? Yeah.
A long time ago, when this was just a private house here, the owners used to keep their crazy old grandmother down there.
They say that if you're real quiet, you can hear her chains rattle.
Supposedly, she swore to seek vengeance on blond waitresses.
Very funny.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
- Still pouring, Norm? That's funny.
I was about to ask you the same thing.
Hey, some storm, huh? Yeah.
If I don't get home to Vera soon, that road's gonna be closed.
Say about another half hour or so ought to do it.
Hey, Sam, where's the paper? I wanna see what they say about the storm.
Woody had it a minute ago.
Where is he anyway? Better go check on him.
It's been a whole week since I taught him how to climb stairs.
- Oh, here it is.
Wait a minute.
- I'll take that, Sammy.
I told Vera I'd check for double coupons.
Oh, Norman, that's very sweet.
Yeah, you know, Diane, marriage is a full-time job.
Oh, hey, Diane.
Remember that lunatic that tried to strangle you while you were doing that scene from Othello up there? Oh, yeah, what was his name? Andy Schroeder? - There he is.
- What about him? It says here that he escaped from the state-- - Whoa, she does remember him.
- Yeah.
Anyway, it says here he could be dangerous.
I don't know.
Hey, hey, come on, Normie, what's it say about the storm? Sam, didn't you hear that? Andy-Andy, the man who tried to kill me, is loose.
Hey, calm down.
No lunatic's gonna go out on a night like this.
He'd have to be nuts.
Boy, I hope my new wine cellar stays dry.
Where are those guys anyway? - I'll go investigate for you, Sammy.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I've been anxious to check out your salon de vin anyway.
Hey, look, if I'm any more than five minutes, send down some cheese and crackers, huh? Kind of a spooky night, huh? Sam, how can you be so calm knowing this man is free? You've never taken him seriously.
Just because he smiles at you with that pink-cheeked, round kewpie doll face and says, "Hi there," you think he's harmless.
Well, he's not.
He's a cold-blooded homicidal maniac.
Hey, no guy is gonna walk in here into this brightly lit bar and attack you.
- Probably not in a dark one either.
- Oh, Sam! What? Now, come on, everybody, just relax here.
I got candles now.
That's right, everybody, just keep calm, all right? I mean, no reason to panic here.
Sammy, those taps operate when the power is out, don't they? Why haven't the others come up from the wine cellar? They sure have a knack for picking the wrong time - to goof off, don't they? - All right, I'll go roust those guys out.
Or else I'll just have to bury their bodies.
All right, that's it.
I'm calling the power company.
God, Sam, the phone is dead.
Oh, you're kidding.
Wow, no phone, no power.
Cut off from the outside world on a stormy night with a homicidal maniac on the loose.
Isn't that always just the way? God, that was Norman! - What's happening? - Oh, come on, whoa! You are such a sucker.
Don't you see what's happening? They know you found out about Andy, and they're just trying to scare you to death.
Why don't you go down there and just get it over with? I'm gonna go check the fuse box.
Oh, of course that's it.
Oh, I am such a goose.
What should I expect from this devilish crew? Here I come.
I'm opening the door.
Oh, I hope nobody's down here.
Because it sure would scare me if people yelled out a bloodcurdling boo.
Well, looks like the candle is in on your little joke too.
Why won't this light? Hi there.
What? What? Oh, God.
I just had the worst nightmare of my entire life.
By the way, Sam, you were beastly to me.
Oh, really? Well, how was l? You weren't in it.
Of course.
Beastly? Can you be specific? - All right.
- Sam, l-- I don't think Diane's dreams are anything you should be meddling in.
Maybe you're right.
Starring in them is enough, I guess.
You were having another one of those dreams, weren't you? Yes.
But it wasn't as bad this time.
Diane, you've got to stop this nonsense about Andy-Andy.
You've been dreaming about him for months now, since you found out he was released from the state mental hospital.
Can you blame me? The man tried to kill me, Frasier.
Look, Diane.
Listen, I've-- I've talked with him.
You what? Yes, as soon as you started having those dreams, I found out where Andy was living, and I went to see him.
I wanted to learn if your fears were unfounded, and, believe me, they are, Diane.
I've counselled him for several weeks now, and his progress has been remarkable.
Frasier, I don't believe this.
I want you to confront this fear.
I mean, just talk to the man.
Never.
Never, never, never! Diane, I sense resistance.
Diane, I heard screams.
Oh, well, I dreamt I was being murdered.
Was I the one who was murdering you? - No.
- Was I helping in any way? Sam, I'm still a bit shaken up.
May I have the rest - of the evening off, please? - You bet.
Thank you.
She came in, she fell asleep, and now she's going home.
Diane, what you need now is a little TLC.
Tender, loving Crane.
Well, thanks anyway.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
After that nightmare, maybe now I can sleep through the night without being haunted by that homicidal cherub.
Listen, at least let me drive you home.
When you're this close to hysteria, you need the calming influence of a strong and mature man.
Hi there.
- Diane? - Yes.
The reason I came here is to tell you how deeply sorry I am that I hurt you.
And I also want you to know that I'm leaving the country.
And it would mean so much to me if I had your forgiveness.
Fine, you're forgiven.
Now get out.
You can wish the man bon voyage at least, for God's sake.
You're right.
Andy, I hope everything works out for the best.
- Do you really mean that? - Yes.
Well, then maybe you can help me.
I've fallen in love with a wonderful girl, and we're going to get married.
And I'd like you to meet her.
- There's just one hitch.
- You killed her.
Hey, hey.
She-- She doesn't know about my prison background.
So I've-- I've told her a few tiny fibs.
Like I have friends and a life.
And I've adopted you people to be it.
She's coming here to meet you all, and I hope you'll back me up.
- l-- I don't know about this, Andrew.
- I disapprove.
Well, wait a second now.
If I could just throw in my two cents worth here, I really couldn't give a damn one way or the other.
Please, l-- All I'm asking is for what society promised me.
A chance to start over.
Wait a second here.
Frasier, Diane, Iet me talk to you over here for a minute, will you? We'll be right back.
Hold on a sec.
Come here.
Come on, let's sit down over here.
Listen.
Is Andy cured, or isn't he? Well, Sam, a trained psychiatrist never uses the term "cured.
" Unless we're talking about ham.
That's pretty good.
No, to wax serious, Andy's progress has been remarkable, and, well, I'll-- I'll vouch for his stability.
Well, then I say let's help him.
I mean, we'll be giving both of them a new chance on life there.
By George, Sam, sometimes out of the mouths of babes.
No, let's not talk women now.
What do you say, huh? I'm not so sure about this.
Well, Diane, instead of dwelling on the bad person that Andy used to be, we reinforce the good person he wants to be.
Oh, come on, loosen up, will you? It might even be fun if you'd unclench your keister long enough.
That was pretty good.
Hey, come on.
Andy? Andy, we're with you.
I really appreciate it.
Listen, before she gets here, let me coach you on the little lies I told her.
My God, she's early.
What am I gonna do? Please, everybody, whatever I say, just go along.
- Trust me.
- All right.
- Andy.
- Cynthia.
- Everybody, this is Cynthia.
- Hello, Cynthia.
- Hi.
- Hi, Cynthia.
I've heard so much about you all.
Andy, I really love your bar.
Andy's bar? Oh, you must be Sam.
Yes, that's right, I'm Sam.
I'm really glad to see you putting your life back together again.
Well, I'm-- I'm trying.
Well, I really admire Andy's philosophy on giving ex-cons a second chance.
Even a flasher.
Well, you know what they say, if you've got it, why not--? Sam.
You must be Diane.
- lndeed I am.
- Poor, poor Diane.
Yes.
Well No, really, it's all right.
It's all right, he's told me everything.
What did he tell you? How you so wanted to have his child.
And this, of course, is Frasier Crane.
Oh, the poor wretch you've been counselling.
Yes, he's helped me quite a bit.
I hope so.
Are you still having trouble with that little habit? Habit? - What little habit is that, Fras? - Yeah, Frasier.
Do tell, do tell.
It's an illness.
He's not ashamed of it.
- Are you, Frasier? - Oh, certainly not.
Not exactly.
Well, not entirely.
- It all depends on the-- - He's a kleptomaniac.
And not making much progress, I'm afraid.
He shoplifted his entire wardrobe.
Well, not all of it, but these pants are pretty hot.
Sam, are we having a good night? - How much have I got in the register? - Oh, I don't know.
It's been pretty slow.
Probably no more than about 50 bucks.
Are you kidding? We must have 1,000 in here.
- Thank you, Woody.
- I just thought the owner should know.
I'll need the cash for my trip.
- Oh, Andy, I don't know about that.
- Oh, Sam, loosen up.
Unclench your cash register.
Listen, Andy, how about tearing up all my unpaid bar chits - as kind of a little going-away present? - Norm, you're a good and valued customer, but I can't do that.
- Nice try there, Norm.
- Do it yourself, big guy.
- All right.
Hey.
- Hey, that's great, Andy.
- Hey, how about me, pal? - Not a chance.
Well, it looks like you did a little better than I thought you did there, Andy.
Let's see here.
One hundred, 200-- Oh, don't bother counting it, Sam.
I'll just take it all.
Say, look at the time.
We have to fly.
Diane, baby, for old time's sake.
The man just gives and gives and gives.
Sam, take care of my bar and take care of this little gal of mine.
It was nice meeting you all.
Oh, us too.
And by the way, I love your choker.
I'm not wearing a choker.
- You will be.
- Come along there.
Bye.
Sam.
You have to stop Andy.
He's taking all your money.
He'll be back.
Just give him a chance.
Are you crazy? He's never coming back.
I'm calling the police.
Oh, come on, l-- He's coming back, Diane.
You know, I've made jokes about your dearth of living brain cells, but it's not funny anymore.
Don't you get tired of being wrong? - Thank you, everybody.
- Hold it a second, Andy, Diane's making a fool of herself here.
Sam, you guys made me look like a big shot in Cynthia's eyes.
You guys were wonderful.
- I'll never forget you.
- Well I'm most touched that you trusted me, Diane.
You, who had reason to fear and to hate me the most.
- Sam.
- Oh, yeah.
Goodbye.
Sam, I'm sorry, l-- Sam, wait.
How could I have been so wrong? A lifetime of practice.
Sam? Sam, I'm sorry.
I feel awful.
You were right.
Please accept my apology.
Oh, forget it, Diane.
I forgive you.
The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
It is twice blest.
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
Thank you, Sam.
What did you say? I think you heard me.
Yes, but you said it.
Well, perhaps in his pithy way, Blake said it best.
Oh, yes.
And throughout eternity I forgive you, and you forgive me.
- I can't believe my ears.
- Oh, come on, Diane.
You really didn't believe that buffoonish fa├žade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele, did you? Oh, my God.
My heart is racing, Sam.
Oh, dear.
Well, I know just the thing.
Perhaps a spot of chamomile tea would calm you down.
There you go.
Please.
- Careful.
- Sam, I never found you so attractive.
Oh, well, how nice.
Listen, before we take this any further, would you mind sitting down? I'd love to play you a little something from an opera that I've been writing.
It's-- It's based on the Old Testament.
It combines the brooding intensity of Mahler with the pesky insouciance of Poulenc, and it goes something like this.
Sam? Sam? Take me.
Now.
I want you.
Put the keyboard away, and let me be the instrument you play on.
- Diane? - Yes.
Do you realize you just ended that proposition with a preposition? Just have me.
Have me.
Oh, Diane.
Diane.
Diane, Diane? Hey.
Sam.
This may be a silly question, but you don't have a velvet smoking jacket, do you? Hey, come on, I'm smoking in any jacket.
- What is this? What's going on? - But of course.
I just had the weirdest dream.
I thought I was waking up from a dream, but I was in another dream.
Andy-Andy came back.
Oh, it was terrible.
And there was a wine cellar here.
And we all went into it.
And Frasier was a kleptomaniac, and you were smart.
When did it get weird? Hey, Sam? You wanna come continue this word game? Woody's on the brink of forming a syllable.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, wait a second.
You never told me how that dream ended.
Did you and l? Certainly not.
Oh, well, that really was a bad dream, wasn't it?