Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Barstoolie

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Okay, Mr Peterson, it's your turn to send a tape-recorded hello to my folks back home.
I don't know what to say here, Woody.
Just hurry it up, will you.
I've got some audio gems that'll have them howling in the old Hoosier state.
Okay, just let me find the end of Miss Chambers' message here.
Your son is a hardworking young man.
You should be proud.
We at Cheers certainly are.
And what's more-- I think it's a little further along here.
I believe it was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who said-- Now let me tell you a little bit about myself.
All right, fill me up, Woody.
I think we're in here for a while.
Okeydokey, Mr Peterson, found the end of Miss Chambers' message.
It's ready to go.
Hi, folks.
This is Norm.
Oh, no, that's the end of the tape.
Sorry you didn't get to leave your whole message.
That was the whole message.
Oh, thanks.
Sam, two Beefeater martinis, please.
Well, you're just bubbling with energy.
You must've mastered the childproof cap on your Flintstones vitamins.
That's pretty cute, Diane.
Scored again.
Yeah, I guess I'll be saying that a lot tonight.
You got an evening of romance planned, Sam? Yeah, I sure do.
Who's the bimbo du jour? That's the girl, all right.
Claudia's been a tough nut to crack.
But tonight's the night she's gonna be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's magic kingdom.
She's in for a Mickey Mouse evening with Goofy as her guide.
Boy, Sam, I wish I could read women like you.
I mean, I can never really tell when a woman likes me.
Well, Woody, women give off different subtle signs of interest.
Me, I stand there naked with a rose in my teeth.
I'll watch for that one.
So, Sam, what signal is your date giving you? Not only is Claudia mentally undressing me, she's mentally fixing me breakfast the next morning.
I'm sorry this is taking so long here.
I hope you're not getting bored.
Oh, no.
I enjoy watching you work.
I'm glad to hear that.
I've got some mirrors at home.
We can both watch.
One second.
Yeah, as a matter of fact he is.
Hold on one second, will you.
Cliffie, telephone.
Somebody wants to talk to Cliff? Cliffie.
This is a first, bud.
I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Yeah, I know who this is.
It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levolors.
Her old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.
: Cliffie on demand.
I know how to handle this babe.
Listen, I never wanna speak to you again as long as I live.
- Who was that? - That was a man who has the nerve to call himself my father.
He'd have to have nerve to admit that.
Are you still carrying a grudge? Damn straight.
How would you feel if your father deserted you at the formative age of 9? Cliff, don't you at least wanna hear what he has to say? - Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
- No way.
I don't wanna have anything to do with that bum.
Well, I know how these father/son relationships can be.
My dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera.
- He heard she had loose morals.
- You're kidding me.
Actually, he got the story wrong.
Turns out she had loose molars.
At least you had a father figure, Norm.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well.
- Sam.
- Five minutes, we'll be out of here.
What's this? A date of yours reading Artforum magazine.
And it's right side up too.
Hope this doesn't mean that we're gonna have to talk afterwards.
Why do I keep trying to communicate with you? It must be the Margaret Mead in me.
That's a wonderful issue.
Yes, it is.
Did you happen to read their article on Chinese tapestries? - Yes, it was fascinating.
- Wasn't it? Yeah, the only problem was that 20 minutes later, I wanted to read it again.
Reads and has a sense of humour.
Did you lose a bet? Excuse me? - I'm Diane Chambers.
- Claudia Mitchell.
So you and Sam are going out? Yes, we're gonna try that new lndian restaurant, Rajah's.
Oh, I understand their chef is a master of tandoori cooking.
Well, I don't really know that much about lndian food.
It's the one area where I'm not really able to be pretentious.
Well, I am, so we have the bases covered.
- Mind if I sit down? - Please.
Oh, yeah, and after all, the game of billiards was invented by the ancient Phoenicians, Norm.
Well, however, it did gain newfound popularity after a group of Benedictine monks invented felt.
Thank you, Sam.
Good Lord.
I think that's my father.
There's still time to slip out the bathroom window.
No, no, no.
I wanna hear what the rat has to say.
Don't let out who I am.
- Can I help you? - Do you happen to know Cliff Clavin? I I Sam, I'm no good under pressure.
- Hi, I'm Sam Malone.
I'm the owner.
- Oh, hi.
I'm Cliff Sr, his father.
I called his ma, she said he hangs out here sometimes.
Is he around? Well, no.
Actually he's not.
I think he's away on business.
- Yeah.
- Too bad.
I wanted to talk to him.
It's funny.
My own son.
I don't even know what he does for a living.
I don't even know what he looks like.
Cliff might be away for a while here.
Is there any message you'd like me to give to him? I'll hang around a while.
It's kind of personal.
I'd like to deliver it myself.
- Oh, yeah, here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
Excuse me.
I got something to say.
Could I have the sports page? Oh, yeah, sure.
Here you are.
Boy, you two seem to be getting along.
- Are you ready? - Oh, not to mention willing and able.
I'll be at the Hey, I have this great idea.
Why don't we invite Diane to come with us for dinner.
- What? - No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
No, don't be silly.
It would be perfect.
Diane knows all about lndian food.
Oh, hey, so do l.
I'll order buffalo, you can have the Geronimo burger.
Claudia, I really don't want to be a third wheel.
- Yeah, but I want you to come.
- Yeah, but I want us to be alone.
Well, there's plenty of time for that later.
Besides, what could you do in a restaurant full of people? You'd be surprised.
- Yes, you would.
- Why don't you just butt out of this-- Look, Sam, I think you're being kind of a drip about this.
Quite frankly, I am surprised at you.
Well, all right.
Diane, if you have nothing better to do than tag along, why don't you join us.
- I really don't think-- - No, please, Diane.
I insist.
- lt'll be fun.
- Yeah, loads.
- Great, then we're set.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go freshen up.
- Okeydoke.
- Please get me out of this.
- No, no.
If you don't go, she'll think that I told you not to go.
And then she's gonna think I'm even a bigger heel.
You're going.
You bet, "Fine.
" Give me the phone, will you.
- Sam, you're out of your mind.
- Hey, please.
I may look stupid, but I'm way ahead of her.
Give me some credit for having brains.
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
I made a reservation for two at 7::00.
I wanna make sure it's an intimate table that seats only two.
Yeah, and there'll be a third person coming along, but I wanna make sure that she's seated far away.
Yeah, no, no.
The farther the better.
In fact, do you have something in Bombay? - Goodbye.
- You're a genius.
I kind of think I'm wasting my time here.
If Cliffie comes in, tell him I was here.
Thanks for the beer.
- Aren't you gonna say something? - I've got nothing to say.
Mr Clavin, maybe Cliff will call you later.
Well, he'd better make it fast.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Gee, it's too bad.
I'd really like to make my peace with the kid.
Well, thanks anyway.
Hold it right there, Clavin.
I'm Cliff Clavin Jr.
You're Cliff.
You wasted your time coming here.
After what you've done, there can be no peace between us.
Hit the bricks.
- What? - What's that? - Where? - Gotcha! Oh, Dad, you always knew how to push the right buttons.
I just can't stop talking about that meal.
It was simple and delicate, yet provocative.
Well, I never had anything quite like that lamb vindaloo.
Great recommendation, Diane.
How was your meal, Sam? The only thing that tasted good at the table turned out later to be a candle.
You're not still angry about sitting alone? I wasn't alone.
You're forgetting about that 300-pound Hindu with the goitre that kept fanning me.
Look, Sam, I know this date hasn't turned out the way you planned it.
Well, maybe we could still salvage something of the evening.
Maybe we could go someplace for dessert.
If I might make a suggestion, why don't you two go upstairs to Melville's.
They have great cheesecake.
I have a better idea.
Why don't we go over to my place for a little Sammy's jubilee.
The beer distributor, he says there's some problem with next month's order.
Well, let him talk to Woody.
Woody handled it last month.
I think that's the problem.
All right, listen.
We'll go up to Melville's for your cheesecake, but then we're going to my place for your beefcake.
You've got some work to do, don't you? - Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
- What's your pleasure, Mr Peterson? Boxer shorts and loose shoes, but I'll settle for a beer.
So how was the Hungry Heifer? - It wasn't too good.
- No? Well, what'd you have? Well, I got the chef's special ribs.
- That sounds pretty good.
- That's what I thought, but the chef just came out and made fun of my tie.
- So Cliffie and his dad not back yet? - Oh, no, they had very big plans.
Mr Clavin wanted to spend the evening getting to know his son.
Yeah, and the rest of his life trying to forget.
Woody, next time you order beer from the distributor, try to be a little more specific than "lots.
" - Sorry, Sam.
- That's all right.
I called Melville's.
They have just two pieces of cheesecake left.
No more.
No less.
No Diane.
Boy, next to Sammy's life, my life sure looks dull, doesn't it? Next to a barnacle my life seems dull.
Say, you know, that cheesecake can be pretty fattening.
You got any ideas how we could work it off? - May I say something to you, Sam? - Please.
You know, the first few times that we went out, I thought you were coming on a little strong.
I now miss those gentler times.
Claudia, trust me.
You're about to come upon the gentlest time that you've ever known.
Good Lord, Sam.
What? That was good.
I'm afraid we're just not what each other's looking for.
All right, maybe you're right.
Oh, wait, listen, here.
I wanna wish you a happy life.
As happy as you can be without me.
There are no hard feelings here, are there? No, no, on the contrary.
I'm glad that this happened.
Because I feel that everything, no matter how degrading and humiliating, should be experienced at least once in life.
Well, wait a second, here, Claudia.
Let's talk about this.
Claudia left rather abruptly.
She didn't even say goodbye.
Was she upset about something? Yeah, she was upset about something.
Your little plan worked perfectly.
What are you talking about? I can't believe you're actually making me say this.
- What? - Why don't you just admit you're nuts about me and you can't stand me going out with other women so you try to eliminate the competition.
Sam, your hormones have staged a coup d'├ętat on your brain.
No, no, no.
Don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
Well, as long as we're talking about transparent plans, why don't you just admit that you brought that clone of me here because you are still hung up on me.
Are you kidding me? There is only one reason why you came back here.
Because you asked me.
I asked you, you begged to come back.
We're splitting hairs here.
Sam, Melville's want to know if you still want that cheesecake.
Yes, I want that cheesecake.
Tell them I'll be right up.
I'm gonna go up and have that cheesecake all by myself.
It'll be the best company I've had all evening.
Unless you wanna come along and make the evening a complete disaster.
I wouldn't have cheesecake with you if you were the last man on Earth and it was the last morsel of food.
I'm getting kind of used to eating by myself anyway.
Well, it is delicious cheesecake.
Does your offer include coffee? Maybe.
- And a refill? - Don't push it.
Sam I am sorry that you had to eat alone.
That's okay.
What did you guys talk about anyway? Well, we talked about the postmodernists and the trend away from minimalism in literature.
All of a sudden, my table doesn't seem so bad after all.
And he says, "Yeah, my sister.
" His sister! Time for a little in-flight refuelling here.
Oh, good.
Now you're good for another 1,000 miles.
You two look like you've been having a heck of a time.
What did you do? - lt'd be better to ask what we didn't do.
- Yeah.
How about if we just withdrew the question.
We caught the first quarter of the Celtics game, went down to the petting zoo.
It was night, but we peeked over the fence.
Then we went fishing and Dad took me to the all-night barber's to get a haircut.
Yeah, next time he's gonna get them all cut.
Then later, we had a father-and-son talk about the birds and bees.
Yeah, well, I already knew about that stuff.
There was one thing that was a little bit shocking.
Excuse me, Daddy.
I gotta make a pit stop.
Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.
I'll refuel a little myself.
Tell me about Cliffie.
You guys know him a lot better than I do.
- Is he really as nice as he seems? - Oh, you bet.
And smart too.
One of the smartest guys I've ever met.
And dependable.
You call Cliff at 4::00 in the morning, he's there.
Where the hell else would he be? Hey, Mr Clavin, do you have the gift of gab like your son? No, it comes from his mother's side.
She's the real yapper in the family.
My God, she gets rolling, she's like a hyena on bennies.
Hey, Dad, come on.
Time's a-wasting.
What do you say we go out and get a set of matching tattoos? Cliffie, I gotta get cracking.
I got a plane to catch.
Come on, Dad.
So much time, you know, we haven't talked.
- We don't know about each other.
- Cliffie.
- I just had a terrific idea.
- Oh, yeah? What's that, Dad? Why don't you come to Australia with me.
Australia? I don't know if I can leave all this.
My friends, my job.
You can make new friends, and you don't need a job.
- What? - I got a lot of dough stashed away.
- Well, I need time to think about it.
- There's no time.
I got to go now.
What's the rush? I have got to get out of this country as fast as I can.
- What's going on? - Okay, listen.
I'll level with you.
You're my son.
I can trust you.
My business has gotten me in a little trouble with the law.
- What kind of business is that? - Real estate fraud.
- Dad, that's illegal.
- Good, I'm not going too fast for you.
Listen, come on, you gonna come with me? No, no, look, Dad, I can't let you do this.
How about you give the money back, throw yourself at the court's mercy.
They'll let you off with 1 0 years max.
Ten years.
Come on, grow up, will you.
We're talking about heavy cake here.
Now, I want you to come.
Are you gonna come or no? Well, how do you know I'm not gonna turn you in? Cliffie, you're not gonna turn in your own father.
I know that and you know that.
Yeah, you're right, Dad.
I had a couple beers.
I'm gonna make one more stop and then I'm gone.
Give me the phone.
What's wrong? My old man's a crook.
He's leaving the country one step ahead of the law.
You're not gonna rat on your old man! Think about this, will you.
Got nothing to think about now.
Information? Yeah, give me the federal authorities.
I don't know.
Somebody in charge of rotten daddies.
I can't do it.
I've aided a fugitive from justice.
I'm a disgrace to my uniform.
Hey, come on.
Come off it, Clavin.
You didn't disgrace anything.
You can't turn the old guy in because you love him.
Now, anyone would understand that.
Thank you, Carla.
You're right.
I do love him.
Matter of fact, I think I'll go give him a big hug right now.
It might be a little uncool to hug him in the men's room, you know? I guess you're right, Norm.
What the heck.
I can't wait.
It's the longest we've been apart all day.
Carla, you know, for a minute there, you treated Cliff as if he was a human being.
What you are experiencing is a half-melvin.
You breathe one word of this and I am going to give you a full-melvin.
I think we understand each other.
He's gone.
This is all that's left.
What do you suppose happened to him? It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me, so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window.
Guess I'll just go home.
You're ruling out the other possibility.
What other possibility? Well, it's a little-known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing.
I mean, just disappearing into thin air.
It's an unexplained phenomenon.
- It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle.
- That's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get serious, will you.
Have it your way.
Well, you know, however, this much is true, you know.
There's been recent sightings of human beings being shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft.
You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle, - it's not technically a triangle.
- It's not? Heck, no! It's a trapezedo-rhomboid.
They're perfect for attracting Martian spacecraft.