Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Don Juan is Hell

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- All right, 1 955 AL MVP.
- Yogi Berra.
All right, height of the left field wall at Fenway.
- The Green Monster is 37 feet high.
- Told you.
All right, here you go.
- lke Delock's lifetime ERA.
- 4:03.
Had enough? Give it up, Norm.
The woman's a lean, mean trivia machine.
- Unbelievable.
You're the best.
- I know.
- Ask me something.
- Forget it, Zeke.
There aren't any questions about wheat in there.
Oh, and I suppose you know everything that's in this book.
- If it's in there, I know it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
What's the Library of Congress card catalogue number? Seven, eight, zero, three, four, seven, six.
- That's not even close.
- What do you mean? Look there.
What? That's it exactly.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I grew in my greenhouse? Not another potato that looks like Richard Nixon.
No, I learned the error of my ways there.
Yeah, I guess I was pretty off the deep end then, huh? No, but this is nothing like that.
Look at that.
A map of the Hawaiian lslands.
See the little bumps in the exact shape and formation of our 50th state.
Come on, Cliff, don't make me look, please.
Normy, Normy, this is one of nature's fascinating little mutations here.
Resting in the hands of one of her bigger ones.
All right, no skin off my nose.
I'll just put it in the bag and take it on home.
Hey, guess what's in the bag.
"Human Sexuality"? You don't have to broadcast it.
It happens to be assigned reading for a required course.
You're blushing.
I am not blushing.
I prefer to maintain a sense of decorum, unlike you who brought in coloured slides of your wedding night.
They were a big hit.
And your break was over ten minutes ago.
Oh, Carla, please.
I have to come up with a topic for my psychology paper by tonight.
I'm at a complete loss.
Of course I could turn out your run-of-the-mill essay on sadomasochism, bestiality, bondage and discipline but I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz.
- Hello, everybody.
- Oh, Sam.
Would you please see if you can light a fire under the stick? She's been goofing off for an hour.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
She's gotta write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
You're kidding me.
She studied for a whole year at Sammy State.
Hey there.
I hear you're writing a paper on sex.
- Is there any way I can help out? - Thank you, Sam.
This paper is on human sexuality.
No, come on, I'm serious.
I want to help.
Well, it had occurred to me to use you as a case study, but I lack the proper clinical distance, so that's out of the question.
What are you talking about? You got an A plus staring you in the face, here.
Come on, we're pals, aren't we? Come on, let me feel useful.
Well, you would be an interesting study.
Kind of slow in here, why don't you step into my laboratory.
Well, all right.
I am desperate.
Sam this has to be done in a professional manner.
I hope you'll take this seriously.
I'm only this far away from a master's degree in-- Well, 37 different subjects.
But if I do well in this class, psychology could well become my major major.
Wow, and we were here, huh, Cliff? We're always here.
Sam, before we start, I want to warn you.
This will be frank and candid.
We may be touching on some highly sensitive areas.
I like the sound of it already.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Okay, why don't we start with your parents.
Would you describe them as physically demonstrative? I'm here, aren't l? They must have been.
But why are you asking me about my parents? I'm asking about your parents to lay a psychological foundation - for your later behaviour.
- Boy, this isn't as much fun as I thought it was gonna be.
When are we gonna get to me? Okay, why don't we jump to your relationships outside the family.
At what age did you have your first sexual encounter? That's more like it.
"Trevor, a Case Study.
" Who's Trevor? - That's you.
- You're not gonna use my name? Of course not.
So I do all the work and this Trevor guy gets the credit? Sam, this is not your résumé.
In a psychological treatise, real names are never used.
Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name.
How about "Duke"? - This is my paper, and I like Trevor.
- All right.
All right.
Let's see where were we? You wanted to know about my first time, right? Yes.
How old were you? Boy, I'm not sure.
I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up.
First time is kind of hard to remember.
- What about your first time? - I'm the scientist, Sam.
My first time has nothing to do with this.
But just to lay the subject to rest it was the summer of my 19th year.
He was a young man in uniform.
It was a brief encounter.
He left my arms and went to his doom.
Oh, no, he was killed, huh? No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God-awful haircut I'd ever seen.
Now, may we get back to you? And limit your responses to attitudes.
Please leave out the gory details.
Now, what about your second encounter? Well, that would be the crossing guard.
So, Woody, ready to take on Carla in the sports trivia contest? Yeah, well, now, I've been studying all week long, so go ahead.
- Test me.
- All right.
In what game did Ted Williams break his elbow.
Ted who? I'd take another quick peek in the book, Woods.
- Diane? - Dr Greenspon.
What on earth are you doing here? I just wanted to come by and tell you in person, I've read your paper, and I think it is absolutely extraordinary.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if The New England Journal of Psychology wanted to publish it.
Forgive me for losing my academic demeanour for a few moments.
- I'm sorry.
- That's quite all right.
- Would you like a drink? - I'd love a beer, please.
Coming right up.
Of course I do have a couple of reservations.
Well, the most significant concerns your psychological subject, Trevor.
Since you seem to have found such a near perfect example of Don Juanism, there are bound to be those who are going to doubt this paper's authenticity.
Doctor, I assure you, every word is true, although I understand your doubt.
It is hard to believe that such a man exists.
Doctor, have a seat over there for just a couple of minutes.
I'll join you soon.
There are a few things I have to do.
- Sam.
- Yeah.
Would you mind if I revealed your identity to my psychology professor, Dr Greenspon? Mind? Yo, doc, Trevor here.
- Alias: Sam Malone.
- Lowell Greenspon.
That's an amazing case history you have.
Yeah, isn't it? Knock on wood.
So you'd say that the paper is accurate? Well, now, we had to change a few of the names to protect the satisfied.
- Well, it's been very nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah.
No, thank you very much.
What a find you have there, Diane.
So you really think it's publishable? Well, that brings me to my other reservation.
- What? - In Trevor, you've shown us the cause, yes? What the paper lacks is the effect.
Now, if you could possibly find one of these conquests to learn why she's so gullible.
What gives her such low self-esteem so that she could possibly fall for this blatant manipulation.
I don't know.
Well, if you did, I don't see how the Journal could fail to publish it.
Hey, Woody.
Come on, buddy, get your nose out of that book.
How much more trivia can you cram into that head? Yeah, maybe you're right.
My brain must be filled up, because my hair hurts.
Why don't you call Carla over before I forget everything.
Carla, you got a brash, young challenger over here who says he's gonna boot you off the top of sports trivia mountain.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, he said it before and I've always left him bleeding in the dust.
I say, Jethro goes down in three questions.
Okay, everybody, gather around for the sports trivia championships.
- Give me your best shot.
- Okay.
What was the lowest round ever recorded in a PGA-sanctioned golf tournament? - Fifty-nine, Al Geiberger.
- He's right.
All right.
Who was the oldest heavyweight champion? - Jersey Joe Walcott.
- Yeah.
- All right, those were easy questions.
- Two for two.
You're gonna choke on this one.
Who was the only pitcher to ever lose a one-hitter in the World Series? - Bill Bevans.
- He did it.
All right.
New York Yankees, 1947, against the Brooklyn Dodgers.
- All right.
That's good, Woody.
- Goodwoody.
Elmer Goodwoody, shortstop, Boston Beaneaters.
It's all right, buddy, take a rest.
Take A Rest, winner of the California Derby, 1 959.
Ten-eighty to win, six-forty to place, three-twenty to show.
- So you liked my rewrite? - Oh, yes.
I just can't get over it.
I mean, who would have thought that this "Colette" that you described as "rapturously beautiful, intelligent, indeed brilliant with an ethereal quality" could be so easily manipulated by Trevor.
Trevor is not without his charms, crude as they may be.
Well, but they're so transparent.
The woman would have to be addled.
- She'd have to be totally lacking.
- Thank you.
Your point is made.
Oh, hi, doc.
- Oh, my, is that the paper there? - This is it.
You know, I still haven't had a chance to read that.
- Mind if I take a look? - You wouldn't enjoy it.
Oh, don't be modest, Diane.
I'm looking forward to your presentation of it in class tonight.
- Thank you, doctor.
- Tonight? Hey, you know, wait a second, I'm the headline act of that thing.
- You mind if I sit in on class? - Oh, Sam.
- You wouldn't enjoy the class, either.
- It's very dry and boring.
No reflection on you, professor.
I mean to someone of Sam's limited intelligence.
No reflection on you, Sam.
What I mean is, don't you have to cover for Woody tonight? Oh, you're right.
Darn it.
Well, too bad, huh? Doc.
Shoot, and that did sound like fun too.
Wait a second, I've got an idea.
Why don't you bring them all over here.
Kind of a field trip.
See Trevor in action.
We could hardly do that.
But I don't think some of the members would mind coming by for a drink after.
It would give them a chance to meet the clinical case in the flesh.
Oh, I'm not going to promise that.
We'll just see how the evening goes.
He's remarkable.
- Sam.
- No, not now.
I'm going to prepare my lecture, here.
You know, it's about time I gave something back to the sport that's given me so much.
Sam, I think you should read this after all.
It's not what you think.
If you change your mind about the class coming here tonight, call me at home.
I'll understand.
"The Don Juan Syndrome in Modern Culture: An Analysis of Sat-- Sate-- Sater-- Satyriasis.
" Oh, man, she did it.
She even made my sex life boring.
And not for the first time.
Excuse me, is there a Cliff Clovin here? It's Cliff Clavin, partner, and you're looking at him.
Oh, hi.
I'm a reporter from the Chronicle.
You the guy that sent in this picture of a squash - with the Hawaiian lslands on it.
- Yeah.
What did I tell you guys? This is one story they couldn't squash.
There you go.
To be honest, it's not the squash I'm looking for.
Actually, it's a part of a larger story on eccentrics here in Boston.
You know, the lunatic fringe.
Lonely people desperate for attention.
Yeah, yeah, but where do I fit in? You come right after the old lady with the 84 snakes.
Okay, I'm insulted, and I'll thank you to leave this bar.
They don't pay me enough.
All right, you stuck up to that guy.
- You didn't let him exploit you.
- Yeah.
Who the hell they think they're dealing with.
I ain't giving my squash second billing to a broad with a bunch of snakes.
Hey, how would you like to get a look inside that old bag's head, huh? Professor Malone, I think you've got a little class in session there.
Hi, doc.
Over here.
Welcome, everybody.
Why don't you come over and take a seat anywhere over here.
There's no need to be so formal, but if you have something prepared.
Oh, just a few things off the top of my head.
Did you bring an apple for the teacher? - Sam.
- Yeah.
I didn't hear from you, so I assume you read the paper.
Paper? Oh, yeah.
Couldn't put it down.
Are you sure you still want to go through with this? - Oh, absolutely.
- But, Sam, I don't feel this-- No, come on.
Take a seat here.
Don't want to be late for class.
Okay, sit down.
Welcome, everybody.
Now, I realize you came here to meet me and find out what makes a guy like me tick.
So I asked myself: "What makes you so different from everybody else when it comes to scoring big with women?" And I think it's-- I think it's this: I love ladies.
I love the way they smell, the way they sound, the way they feel.
And by the way, that shade of lipstick really compliments that rosy glow on your cheeks.
- Unbelievable.
- Now, see, I'm not the only one who thinks that.
All right, let's-- Enough about me here.
Let's open up this discussion a little bit.
- What's your name, son? - Barry.
All right, Barry.
Why don't you tell me what you do when you meet a girl for the first time.
Well, I talk to her and I let her know that I respect her as a human being.
I ask her out without putting any pressure on her, and I let the relationship grow naturally.
Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young.
Okay, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam? Miss Chambers has a thought here.
All right.
Well, all right, I guess so.
We can take five here.
Smoke them if you got them.
- You didn't read this, did you? - Didn't have to, I lived it.
Sit down, please.
"Trevor is the image of the arrested adolescent, entirely self-oriented, still intimidated by the women around him and attempting to prove himself superior to them.
Through sexual conquest he can, for a time, quell his constant fears of inferiority and failure.
Indeed, the idea of a nonsexual relationship is completely foreign to him.
As the years pass and his physical attractiveness diminishes, he'll be doomed to a life of loneliness and despair, unable to give or receive love.
" - Is this really how you feel about me? - This is my clinical view of you.
As a woman, I might have felt something different than I feel as an academician.
It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.
- Sam, you're reading things into this.
- Like here where it says: "His life is cheap and pathetic.
" Don't be hurt.
I hate it when you're hurt.
This is not a true picture of you.
I exaggerated in order to corroborate my thesis.
Boy, I don't know.
Maybe I am gonna end up this way.
You're not listening to me.
This is a paper.
Theory and conjecture.
I was going for a grade.
I told the professor what I thought he wanted to hear.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
I mean, everything in here is true, including the part about I've never had a nonsexual relationship.
Now, there, that's a good example of exaggeration.
You and I have a nonsexual relationship.
How can you say that? Well, I think that the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.
That's just because we promised to try to keep our distance.
And we have.
Our relationship has reached the mature adult stage.
Well, I wish there were some way I could prove it to you.
Well, maybe there is.
Sit on my lap.
I'm just trying to convince myself that I can be close to a woman without it being sexual.
- This is the silliest thing I've ever-- - Hey, come on, Diane.
Well, if it'll help prove something to you, all right.
- Boy, you're nervous.
- I am not.
- There, we did it.
- Hey, come on.
Come on, you can't just get up like that.
That doesn't prove anything.
Come sit here, and let's just try to have a normal conversation.
There is nothing normal about this.
- What do you want to talk about? - It doesn't matter.
- How about the weather? - Okay.
- Nice weather.
- A little nippy.
Well, that's because we're in Boston.
Now, if we were in, say, Tahiti.
- We'd be lying in the sun.
- Getting a tan.
Maybe even a sunburn.
Well, not if we rubbed oil all over each other.
What are we trying to prove again? Something about that I can carry on a normal conversation - without it being sexual.
- Well, so much for the weather.
- Yeah.
- How about music? - No, we don't like the same music.
- Well, we can talk about that.
- All right.
I like rock 'n' roll.
- I like classical.
- Harmonies.
- Grandeur.
- The hot guitar licks.
- The strings washing over you in a darkened concert hall.
The driving beat.
The low moan of the cello.
The drums, pounding, pounding, pounding.
- But if we don't agree, we don't agree.
- Yeah, right.
- What's that leave us? - Religion.
All right, the Bible.
- Adam.
- Eve.
- Fig leaves.
- Sin.
All right.
- Okay.
- Well, I think we've proved our point.
Clearly we have a nonsexual relationship.
And you are a fine human being.
- Well, thank you, Diane.
- So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out there and tell them my paper is completely invalid.
- There you go.
- Your knob.
Yes, I believe so.