Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Dark Imaginings

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
It was your fault we lost that contest.
- It was not my fault.
- We'll find out whose fault it was.
- "Heart of My Heart" from the top.
- All right, sing it.
Heart of my heart - I love that melody - Love that melody Heart of my heart Brings back Right there! That's the note that cost us the championship.
Oh, yeah? Well, that remark just cost you a bass! Hey, wait a minute, Jim.
Now we gotta find ourselves another bass.
Three beers.
You know, I love barbershop quartets.
You mind if I make a little request? Not at all.
Could you give me a little trim around the ears later? Excuse me, fellas.
I couldn't help overhearing what happened.
It's always been a lifelong dream of mine to sing in a barbershop quartet.
I wonder if you might give me a try? Why not? "Good Night, Ladies" okay? Yeah "Good Night, Ladies.
" All right.
All right.
Good night, ladies Good night, ladies Good night, ladies We're going to leave you now - That was fantastic! - Hey, we got ourselves a new bass! Yeah, well, no.
You know, I'm really flattered, fellas, but I don't think so.
You said it was your lifelong dream to sing in a barbershop quartet.
Well, it was and now I've done it.
Thanks for the memories.
The farmer in the dell The farmer in the dell Hey, everybody, howdy-doody.
- Guess what I got in the bag.
- What's left of your mind? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a turnip that needs no introduction: Miss June Lockhart.
Hey, look here.
You put a little makeup on her.
Shampoo and set her root hairs.
Finish her off with a delicate strand of pearls Is it me or is this getting a little weird? You passed weird six months ago.
Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before.
Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? It's a fine line between gardening and madness.
Cliff, old man maybe a little vacation would do you some good.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to my office.
Hey, doc? Doc, listen, you mind if I tag along with you? Just for the stroll, you know, a little informal chat on the way? You bet, Cliff.
I'd enjoy the company.
Well, yeah, good.
Listen, I'm a very private man.
I've gotta warn you at the outset.
I just don't bare my soul at the drop of a hat.
Oh, I understand.
Yeah, I was breast-fed a lot longer than most youngsters.
I mean, babies.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, hey, Sam.
I thought you weren't coming in till 5.
Oh, well, I had to pick up some stuff.
We're gonna play some racquetball.
Oh, Bonnie, Woody.
Woody, Bonnie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right? So where you guys been? Oh, we spent the afternoon at Bonnie's apartment listening to the latest album of John Cougar Mellensomething.
- Mellencamp.
Yeah, he's great.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
So, what rock groups you like, Bonnie? Let's see.
I like the Thompson Twins, Tears for Fears, U2.
- Oh, I love U2.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we look great together, don't we? Hey, I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get my equipment.
- Pretty girl, Sam.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.
What's that crack supposed to mean? She young or something? Well, you must admit, there's a bit of a gap between your ages.
Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has travelled extensively.
She's been to Hawaii.
Boy, I envy Sammy - his carefree lifestyle.
- Yeah.
Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems.
You do not.
What do you mean? Last night, I let out that moan at the thought of nuclear war.
It wasn't because of nuclear war.
It was because we ran out of beer nuts.
It was a combination of the two.
- Y'all set? - Oh, yeah.
You know, Sam, Woody's a really rad guy.
Well, you know my motto: "Hire the rad.
" Wait a second, here, let me get some money.
I'll be right back.
Hey, have a good game.
Thanks, Woody.
I'll see you Saturday? Saturday? What's happening Saturday? Oh, Saturday, Woody and l, we're gonna play racquetball.
I didn't know you played racquetball.
Yeah, I play a little.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, I didn't think the two of us should play.
Well, why not? Oh, come on, man, just because I'm a professional athlete? No, it wasn't that.
It was more because you're a little I mean, you're a few years Yeah, it's because you're a professional athlete.
No, it wasn't.
It's because you think I was old, maybe.
Oh, no, no, not old, Sam.
Just older.
You wanna take me on, you little guy, you? Sure, I'd like that.
All right.
Carla, you wanna tend the bar here? Got it.
Sam, has it occurred to you that you challenged Woody to a contest because he threatened your relationship with Bonnie? No.
But has this occurred to you: Leave me alone.
You all set, man? - Sure am.
- Great.
Great.
Oh, hey, is that somebody famous up? Oh, I guess not.
I'm sorry.
My mistake.
Okay, we're off here, huh? You're not too tired to work behind the bar now, are you, Woody? - I can take over if you are.
- No, I'm fine.
Sam, are you limping? I don't know.
Let me take a look here.
Oh, by golly, look at that.
It must be these new shoes.
- Who won? - Sam did.
Yeah.
You should have seen him out there.
He was great! You know, I especially liked that last shot you made diving across the court.
And that little scream you let out? Oh, that's my victory scream.
I always do that when I win.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, why? Your upper lip is sweating profusely.
I just played racquetball.
People sweat when they do that.
On their lips? Didn't you take a shower afterwards? Of course I did.
Maybe I just forgot to dry my lip.
Does Sam's behaviour give you pause? Methinks the man does protest too much.
Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "l thinks"? Not in your case, Woody.
What's with the skis, Sam? Oh, all this physical activity's put me in a physical mood.
I feel like doing something else physical.
I think I'm gonna go skiing for a while.
If you need help behind the bar, Woody, call Bob.
Sam, this is all rather sudden.
Where are you going? How long will you be gone? Sugarloaf, Maine.
If the snow's cold and the women hot, I'll be gone forever.
See you guys.
Bye-bye.
What a guy! We just get through playing a hard game of racquetball and he's still raring to go.
You just never know what he's gonna do next.
Like now, for example.
Are you absolutely sure? Thank you.
Oh, dear me, my worst fears are confirmed.
There's been a peroxide embargo? This is no time for levity.
I just called every hotel in Sugarloaf, and there's no Sam Malone registered anywhere.
Maybe he's staying under an assumed name.
No, I checked all the assumed names he usually uses.
There's no Lance Manion.
Nor is there a Honeyboy Wilson.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, doc, I really gotta hand it to you for that job you did on Cliffie.
He's really been in good spirits lately and rarely discusses vegetables.
Yeah, it seems our little impromptu session's been quite beneficial.
You know, for my part, I hope to get an article published in either Psychology Today or the Burpee Seed Catalogue.
No, seriously, it's always very gratifying to help another human being.
Hey, Sigmund Fraud.
Are you addressing me, Cliff? This bill is outrageous, I've had several of Ma's organs taken out for less than that.
It was not a little chat.
It was seven hours of intensive psychotherapy, which I flatter myself to say has done you a world of good.
Oh, yeah? You think so? Yeah, well, I don't think so.
And neither does Meryl Streep! - Are you ladies ready for a check? - Yes, thank you.
Anyway, I've been at Boston Mercy for five years, and I have never had a more relentless patient than I had today.
Even when he was in constant pain, he never stopped coming on to me.
My God, it's Sam! Are you all right? The patient you're talking about.
Is it by any chance Sam Malone? - No.
- Thank God.
His name is Lance Manion.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Certainly.
Is there anything else I can get? Yeah.
Naked.
Actually, I don't think I could handle it today.
Boy, these hernias always hurt so bad? Oh, just for a few days.
Well, if you need anything else, just ring.
Thank you.
Oh, God Sam? Hey, boy, what a coincidence! Just donated a pint of blood.
The volunteer will be back.
Just have a seat here and Hey, bless your heart for giving, really I know why you're here.
As luck would have it, a couple of nurses stopped by the bar.
They had your fingerprints all over them.
I see.
In that case, you don't mind if I sit down, do you? From this angle, it's preferable.
Sam, I know what this is all about.
Dating young girls.
Nearly killing yourself to beat Woody.
Not telling us you were in the hospital.
No, I didn't tell you I was in the hospital because I got a hernia, and it's an old man's problem, and I didn't want the guys to make fun of me.
That's all.
First of all people of all ages get hernias.
Second of all getting older is the most natural thing in the world.
There's nothing to fear.
Accept it.
I will not accept it! Listen, the day you start accepting getting old is the day you get old.
- All right, Sam.
Have it your way.
- Yeah.
But I think you'd be much happier and content if instead of fighting the advancing years, you embrace them joyfully.
No.
Hi, how you doing today? - Great, as a matter of fact.
Thank you.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
- Diane? - Oh, yeah.
Diane Chambers? Yes, that's right.
Don't you remember me? Steve McDunna.
You tutored me for a while when I was in junior high.
Stevie McDunna? Little Stevie? Little Dr Steve Big little Dr Stevie? Yes, yeah.
It's very nice to see you again.
I'm sorry, I have to run.
I'll check in with you later.
Yeah, bye-bye.
I'm old and alone in Boston.
Sammy's back! Sam, what are you doing back here? You should be in for at least another week.
Dr Stevie said so.
I got me a second opinion.
My own.
I'm as healthy as an ox.
Hey, good to have you back, Sammy, my man! - Can't keep a good man down, huh? - Yeah, no, it's good to be back.
Now don't encourage him.
He's rushing things.
- Good to have you back, Sammy.
- Yeah, thank you very much.
Carla, could you cover the bar a second? I'm just gonna grab a case of Bass Ale.
Oh, hey, hold on there, young fella.
I'll get that.
I'll get that.
Don't be stupid, Sammy.
You just had an operation.
Hey, the day that I can't pick up a case of beer is the day that I sell this place.
Sam, what are you trying to prove? I'm not trying to prove anything.
I'm just trying to run a bar here.
Not too shabby, huh? - Nice going, Sammy.
- Yeah.
Sam? Do you wanna go back to the hospital? Very badly.
No, I can do it.
I can do it.
Welcome back, Valentino.
Hey, that's the first time you didn't accidentally check the starch in my whites.
Oh, yeah, about that, I'm sorry if I got fresh.
Don't apologize.
We nurses didn't cut the ties off the back of your gown for nothing.
Company's coming! I'm sorry, Sam, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do this.
I know you didn't.
That's all right.
It's okay.
He's been like this ever since you left, Sam.
Sam, l I've come to donate an organ or something.
Woody, Woody, I have a hernia.
Well, if you need another one, take mine.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, man.
Hey, thanks for coming down.
I really appreciate that.
You You're depressing the hell out of me.
It may be better if you took off.
Yeah? You got it, Sam.
- I'll see you.
- All right.
Bye-bye.
Here you go, Sam.
I want you to have that.
It's kind of a family heirloom.
- What is it? - A truss.
It came over with my grandfather from the old country.
Actually, it came over on my grandfather.
Oh, well, yeah, gee, that's nice.
Thank you.
It's a joke! You don't need this thing.
You're Sammy.
Sammy don't wear no truss.
Geez! Oh, that's funny.
That's very funny.
Yeah, well, don't pop your stitches laughing.
I'm sorry.
It's just this stupid hernia thing's getting me feeling my age.
What are you talking about? Would you stop that? Sam Malone never ages.
It's one of life's great truths.
Let me tell you something, Sammy.
When you're 87, you'll still be a hunk to me.
Of course, I'll be senile and blind.
- And pregnant.
- Yeah, probably.
- I'll look you up.
- You better.
Fun's over.
See you around, Sam.
Thank you, Carla.
Bye, Carla.
You see? There are other parts to a hospital besides the maternity ward.
Bite it.
Hi, Sam.
How are you? I don't even know why you bother asking.
You know how I am.
I'm old.
- Sam, please.
- No, no, no, you were right.
You know, I tried denying it, but it's no use.
All I got to look forward to is slowing down, wearing out, and breaking the occasional hip.
Oh, Sam! Oh, I can't stand to hear you talk like that.
You were right.
I was wrong.
You can't just lie back and accept getting old.
You have to live each day to the fullest.
I don't know.
It's No, really, I mean it.
Besides, you men get better looking the older that you get.
Look at this guy.
Huh? Strong.
Vital.
Sexy.
Isn't he something? You really think I'm better looking now? You're a much more attractive man than when I first met you.
Much more.
And there's no telling what you may yet achieve.
I went to the library today, and I found a book that contains a list of people who made contributions well into their latter years.
Listen to this: Leo Tolstoy, Albert Schweitzer, Grandma Moses, Bertrand Russell, Picasso, Goethe - Oh, now, he's my favourite.
- Yeah, mine too.
Mine too.
He What are you doing? Well, I just thought I'd make the room look a little more romantic.
You keep reading.
You go right ahead.
Oh, Sam, this is wonderful.
An old person wouldn't be doing this.
This is the act of a vital, strong, young man.
Who wants a woman.
Who wants sex.
Who won't get it.
But this is a very positive sign.
Ah, hey, come on, you know.
This is a chance of a lifetime to play doctor in a real hospital.
Now come on.
It's tempting, it's tempting, but I think not.
I'm going to go now and let you rest.
Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I don't want you to make too big a deal out of this, but thank you very much for coming.
Your visit helped a lot today.
Well, if we can't reach out in our moment of need, if we can't span the gap that separates each human.
If we can't allow Sweetheart, sweetheart, that's what I meant by making too big a deal.
- Okay.
Goodbye, Sam.
- Bye-bye.
Hi.
- Howdy.
- Hi.
Thanks, I can handle it.
- I'm Jack Turner, your new roomie.
- Sam Malone.
How you doing? Great.
Hey, Sam Malone.
You're the baseball player, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Yeah, so what are you in for? Hernia.
- No kidding? - Yeah.
Yeah, I had one of those a couple of years ago.
- Didn't slow me down a bit.
- Yeah? Is that right? Really? Well, you and I are about the same age, aren't we? Yeah, sure.
Well, what are you back here for? Bone spur.
Yeah.
Sam Malone.
I remember seeing you out at Fenway.
Yeah.
Well, it looks like you've taken pretty good care of yourself.
Yeah, I work at it.
You're not looking too shabby there yourself.
I can do more pushups now than when I was 20.
Hey, me too, you know.
Me too.
Really.
As a matter of fact, I haven't felt better in my entire life.
You know, they say a man reaches his sexual peak at 1 8.
Bet some 1 8-year-old said that, huh? Yeah, the nurses cut the ties on my gown here.
- Get out of here! - No, I'm not kidding! - Hey, here's my gal now.
- Oh, well.
Hey, Judy.
Judy, I want you to meet Sam Malone.
Isn't she something, Sam? Sure is.
Listen, if you ever wanna dump him, you can make a house call on Sammy here anytime you want.
Hey, Sam, this is my daughter you're talking to.
Your daughter, really? Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Come on, honey, let's take a look around, huh? Nice to meet you, sir.