Cheers s04e20 Episode Script

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Miss Chambers, can I ask you something? You're a girl, right? Well, I'm a woman.
Well, that's close enough.
You see, in about five minutes I'm going out on my first date with a city girl, and I'm really nervous about it.
You know, I'm afraid I might get tongue-tied and make a fool of myself.
I don't want that to get in the way of me picking up the babes.
Et tu, Woody? After only a few months here at Cheers, you're starting to talk like the other reprobates.
Well, thanks, Miss Chambers, but, you know that's not enough.
I wanna be smooth with the ladies like Sam.
Well, I think I can help you out.
Have a seat.
A good conversationalist is usually a good listener.
I've found that people love to talk about themselves.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
People have an endless fascination with their own little world.
It's an observation I made as a small child, although I've never understood why it holds true.
I, myself, have always found many more interesting topics to talk about.
Of course, I've always made it a point to broaden my horizons.
As a matter of fact, I was reading the New York Times at the age of 4.
And from then, on to the classics.
Of course, it caused some hardships as a youngster, always being far and away the brightest in the class.
Usually, the brightest in the class is regarded as some sort of a pimply faced egghead.
I'm sorry, Clifford, what was your question again? Boy, just when you think you can't get any older, you go and read the paper.
- Why? What happened? - Look at this.
There's gonna be a reunion of The Boston Boppers.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at that.
- Who are The Boston Boppers? - It's not a who, it's a what.
Like you.
It was a local TV show, kind of like American Bandstand.
- Carla used to dance on it.
- Oh, yeah.
I danced my way into New England's heart.
Till they made up that stupid rule.
What rule's that? The one that said that pregnant Those were repressive times.
Well, you must be very excited about the reunion, Carla.
I'm not going.
Oh, how come? I thought you loved that place.
I did love it.
But Nick was my dance partner.
That was before we had to get married.
Boy, they sure have tough dance laws up here.
Wipe that table off there, will you, Woody? We were a great team.
We really got along when we were dancing.
And when we were dancing, if you know what I mean.
Yes, it's frighteningly clear.
Well, why don't you just ask Nick if he wants to go? Forget it.
Oh, come on.
You're not gonna pass up all that fun just for a little pride, are you? It's not only fun.
There's a chance to win 500 bucks and a trip to Hawaii in that dance contest.
And we could do it.
- Then what--? - There's no way I'd call and ask him.
And I really don't want anyone else getting any crazy ideas, like calling him in Atlantic City at 555-4397.
Well, here I go, out of earshot in the poolroom for about 1 5 minutes.
Oh, Carla.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't one of us call Nick? That'd be a good idea.
- Anybody know the area code? - 609! Thank you.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! How's life, Mr.
Peterson? Oh, I look at it every once in a while when I'm in the john.
I didn't mean the magazine.
Neither did l.
- So how's that job-hunt going, Norm? - Great.
- Hey, you got one, huh? - Yeah, well.
No, no.
Vera did.
Boy, Normie, don't you feel the least bit emasculated? I mean, isn't it gut-wrenching to watch your wife go off to work every morning? It's gut-wrenching to watch Vera do anything.
- Who are you? - I'm Woody Boyd.
Big deal.
Where--? Where is everybody? Oh, there's those two bozos.
Nick, Loretta.
Hello, sweetcakes.
You been thinking about me? Only during flea-and-tick season.
Yeah? Well, in my neighbourhood, that's all year round.
I'm sure it is.
- Hey, Nick.
- Sam.
- Hi, Loretta.
- Hello.
- Excuse me.
Glad you made it.
- Of course I made it.
Anytime Carla needs a favour, and I can benefit financially, and you send me the bus fare, I'm there.
Hey, that's quite a testimonial.
So how you doing? You still in the TV-repair business? That's a sideline now.
I'm into bigger and better things.
What do you got there? "Nick's Talent Emporium, Hi-Class Talent for Less.
Nick Tortelli, Talent Manager.
" Well, I'll be darned.
I only got one.
Nick's managing my career now.
Oh, yeah? You still singing with the Grinning Americans? Boy, I love that group.
Oh, step into the '80s.
The Grinning Americans are so passé it's laughable.
I'm with the Lemon Sisters.
The Lemon Sisters? Yeah, it's Loretta and two other dames.
I thought up the name.
Well, don't people confuse you with the Lennon Sisters? I don't know.
Do they throw their drinks at The Lennon Sisters? It's pure coincidence that the names sound alike.
Besides, I got other people on my roster.
I also handle Wayne Newman.
Ginger ale and a Scotch.
Nick Tortelli? As I live and breathe, what a surprise.
What do you say, Carla? Are we gonna kill them at that dance contest? You came here to go to that dance contest with me? Sure.
Yeah, I'm gonna win that contest and go to Hawaii, where the girls wear grass skirts.
And I'm planning on bringing my hedge clippers.
You gotta admit, the guy's a panic.
I can't believe it.
You guys really used to rock out on The Boston Boppers, huh? Sure.
We were the stars.
They couldn't stop us.
Hey, you remember the host, Floyd Panjeric? Yeah, what a dork.
Remember that time we pantsed him during the station break? It's gonna be great to see everybody.
I just hope I can dance as good.
I - I'm a little rusty.
- Oh, no sweat.
I'm in great shape.
I'm glad to hear that, Carla, but it takes two to tango.
And if I'm rusty, we're nowhere.
What's that supposed to mean? Look, I'm trying to be a gentleman here.
Everybody knew who was more talented.
- Yeah, me.
- Give me a break.
I carried you.
You carried me? I carried you.
In your hat.
I carried you! In your hat! I carried you! Carla, the fact is, I can go to the dance with a monkey and win that contest.
Oh, yeah? Who'd lead? That's it.
If you were the last babe on earth, I wouldn't dance with you.
I got an idea.
I'm gonna show you how good a dancer I am.
I'm gonna go with Loretta.
Oh, Nicky, I'm honoured.
We haven't danced since our wedding.
And we've never danced fully clothed.
There you go.
It's me and Loretta.
And you, Carla, can eat dirt.
That's what you think.
I'm gonna get myself a new partner and beat the pants off of you.
Oh, yeah? Who are you gonna get? Eddie Csznyk.
Eddie Csznyk, the Polish Prancer? That's right.
He was always wanting to dance with me, and I always turned him down to go with you.
Yeah, that was the last smart move you ever made.
Come on, Loretta, we're gonna practice until our feet bleed.
Okay.
Bye, gang at Cheers.
Hey, Carla, I saw him, I saw him.
He's dancing down the street.
Boy, he's beautiful.
Makes Fred Astaire look like a gorilla.
- You sure it's him? - Yeah, I'm sure it's him.
I called out, "Hey, Eddie Csznyk," and he waved back.
This is it.
My luck is finally changing.
- Eddie! - Carla! Check out my footwork.
Eddie, your shoelace is un tied.
Good luck, Carla.
I'm really sorry about this.
- Knock them dead, kid.
- Yeah, yeah.
Listen, mac, I'd put a cervical collar on that knee.
Give him Give him about Better make that 40.
- What are you gonna do now? - I don't know.
I gotta get another partner.
Does anybody here dance? I should've known better.
The only time I've seen any of you dance is when the restrooms are crowded.
Sam? - Why don't you help her out.
- What are you talking about? Oh, you know very well what I'm talking about.
You're a great dancer.
You won that trophy at our ballroom-dancing class.
Don't, don't The fact that you talked me into taking that stupid class is embarrassing enough.
- Sam, are you going to help Carla? - No, I'm not.
- Why not? - I am a jock.
I've got an image to protect.
I don't want people thinking I'm too graceful, if you know what I mean.
There's nothing wrong with being graceful.
I'm not worried about being graceful.
I'm worried about being too graceful.
It's not like you're being asked to perform Swan Lake in a tutu.
Why did that particular image come to mind? Sam, please.
Baryshnikov is graceful, and he's one of the sexiest men alive.
Oh, come on.
Barysh We all know why women go for Baryshnikov.
- Oh, and why is that? - Well, because of what he wears.
I mean, those tights have no secrets.
Don't believe everything you see, Sammy.
You know, I think he's padded.
Probably orders it from that catalogue.
What catalogue? Well, I heard some guys talking.
Well, no luck back there either.
Well, I can still take the honourable way out.
I'm going home to burn my feet on the radiator.
No, no, Carla.
Carla, come here.
Come here.
Wait.
Let's see if we can do something here.
Sammy.
You're graceful.
Carla.
- Is that you? - Yeah.
- Cheryl, is that you? - Yeah.
We never liked each other very much.
Hey.
What are you doing here with Sam? I thought you were coming with Eddie Csznyk.
Sam happens to be a much better dancer.
And he has the grace of a swan.
Bull swan.
Hi, kids.
That's the way he started every show.
That's catchy.
A lot of great years, and a lot of great music, and a lot of grey hairs have gone by.
But you know what? Out of all the music, I think our music was the best music.
- What do you say? - You're a lame-o! Oh, you kids.
Spunky as ever.
But we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we see how far we've all come since the old Boston Boppers days? Tell us the person you most admired then and the person you most admire now.
I'm Cheryl Koski from Brockton.
And back then, I guess the person I admired the most was Frankie Avalon.
- And now? - Now I'd have to say Fabian.
All right.
All right.
Now that you're warmed up, Iet's get down to what you're all here for: a chance to dance your way to Waikiki.
The rules are simple.
If the judges tap you, you're out.
You know, Sammy, when Nick and I used to go to these dance contests, we always used to spit on each other's shoes for good luck.
Well? You missed.
I hope you dance better than you spit.
Here we go with "Tutti-Frutti.
" Well, I'm sorry, kids.
You're out.
- Oh, come on, man! - Hey, you stupid Hey, they suck swamp water too.
We have our winners! Hold it a minute, Floyd.
A great wrong is about to be done.
You know me.
I'm Nick Tortelli.
High school class of '62, '63, '64.
The reason I didn't win this contest is because my partner stunk.
And I refuse to leave until I show you how it's done with my ex-lovely wife, Carla.
Nicky.
- Come on, Carla.
- Forget it, Nick.
Floyd, "Unchained Melody.
" Well, guess it's just you and me.
Beg your pardon? I'd like to do something with you that'll make him sorry.
And I don't mean dancing.
Do you have a van? I don't really think you wanna do something you're gonna regret later.
Oh, yes, I do.
And I wanna do it right now.
And I'm good too.
Even though I don't like it very much.
You're making too big a deal out of this.
I mean, it's just a dance.
How good? Introducing the winner of The Boston Boppers dance contest, Miss Carla Tortelli! Oh, yay! That's wonderful.
- You two did it.
- Well, no, no.
Actually, Carla and Nick won.
I guess I just wasn't graceful enough.
Come on, Sammy.
You were plenty graceful.
No, I wasn't.
No, really.
You should've seen Carla and Nick out there.
They were like Fred and Ethel.
Really.
Yeah, it was a magical moment.
You know, it was like I was transported back in time.
I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids.
I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.
Come on, you guys.
Let me drive you home.
Oh, good.
Sammy, I think I just wanna sit here for a little while and bask in the glow.
Relive the moment and have a couple of belts.
Yeah, enjoy.
Thanks.
Congratulations, Carla.
Now, aren't you glad you went? I'll bet you looked great out there on the dance floor.
Yeah, I did, actually.
You know, why don't you come by my place, and I'll show you my Watusi? And then later on, we can dance a little bit.
On second thought, I'm going to hitchhike.
You meet a better class of people.
My love, my darling I hunger for your touch - What are you doing here? - I had to see you.
Carla tonight was destiny.
What are you talking about? It was destiny that Eddie Csznyk fell down those stairs.
And it was destiny that The Boppers even had a reunion.
And it was destiny that we won the contest.
When we were dancing out on that floor tonight, we were like the only two people on earth.
I know we belong together, and we always will.
Come on, Nick.
We're great when we're on the dance floor, but when the music stops, we stink on ice.
No, no.
We were meant to be together.
Carla, you know me.
Look in my eyes and you'll know I'll tell you the truth.
- You're serious.
- Yeah.
What are you saying? I'm saying I want you to go to Hawaii with me tonight.
Now.
Please, Carla.
Make this dream of mine come true.
- Tonight was incredible.
- Yeah.
- Wow, you and me in Hawaii.
- Yeah.
- Palm trees.
- Palm trees.
- Sipping mai tais on the beach.
- Yeah, mai tais.
- lt'd be paradise.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What about Loretta? - What about her? She's waiting for us at the airport.
Is that a no?