Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Fear is My Co-Pilot

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, no.
It's almost 5:00.
What's the problem with 5:00, Woody? Well, every day at 5, this guy comes in and blabbers and blabbers and talks my ear off.
- I don't know what to do.
- Why don't you do what I do.
Tell him to shut his fat, ugly mouth.
Oh, no, it's not Mr Clavin.
Woody, Woody.
Calm yourself.
There's no need for concern.
I'm sure he's just a lonely man who wandered in here one day and found a sympathetic ear.
Unfortunately, indulging him will only aggravate the problem.
You see, people in this situation have a tendency to prattle on endlessly, totally unaware of how others are receiving this unwanted, innocuous information.
Now, the next time a neurotic personality such as this gets off on one of these jags, just turn your back and walk away.
Because, you see, the important thing is, well Well, just a second, I was Oh, you merry band.
- Diane here yet? - No, no.
Miss Tardy-Slip is late again.
She probably stopped somewhere to think up another lame-o excuse for being late in the first place.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was taking a nap, and I forgot to set my alarm.
And my down comforter felt so toasty.
Well, you know me.
I'm something of a slumber cat.
Jack Dalton called.
Oh, my God.
Jack Dalton? I haven't heard that name for months.
Jack Dalton.
- Who is he? - Nobody.
Well, Mr Nobody just landed his private jet at Hyannis Port and is coming over to see you right now.
You never mentioned this guy to me.
How come? Well, there's not much to say.
He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.
Was that before or after you dumped Dr Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin? After.
How long after? Days.
I met Jack at the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
Isn't that just like a woman? While I wept bitterly into the Adriatic, she was busy dodging bovines in sunny Spain.
Frasier, I was upset.
I would have done anything.
I wasn't running to Jack, I was running away from you.
Well, I feel better now.
As fortune would have it, Jack came into my life at that point, and his love of danger intoxicated me.
If he said, "Let's try the luge run at St Moritz," I said, "Why not.
" I guess for a brief while, I was danger's mistress.
Is there anyone whose mistress you weren't? Put a cork in it, Frasier.
Jack is from a period in my life that I would rather put behind me.
I'm more mature now.
More centred.
Sam, I'm going to hide in the back.
When Jack comes, just tell him I'm dead.
Chambers! Jack.
Diane's dead.
- Still light as a bird, huh? - Oh, Jack.
Listen, I want you to meet everybody.
This is Carla Tortelli.
Tortelli! Easy, Hercules.
I just had chilli.
- I'm Woody Boyd.
- Boyd! - I'm Cliff Clavin.
- Clavin! Norm Peterson.
I got a whistle to wet.
Hey, barkeep, how'd you like to arm-wrestle me for a beer? Hey, all right! Alrighty, but I have to warn you, I was arm-wrestling champion of Posey County.
- Fair enough.
- All right.
One, two, three Ladies and gents, the new champ of Posey County.
All right, who's next? Thanks, not me.
You look like you could give me a run for my money.
I think I'll take a rain check.
Come on, man, just for the sport of it.
Jack, I'll buy you the beer.
You don't have to beat everybody in the bar.
What makes you think I'm gonna lose? Sam Malone here.
I'm the owner of the bar, and I've yet to lose a beer in it.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
One, two, three So how long you in town for? Just for the day.
I'm on my way to the Air Races in Reno.
Reno? Yeah, that's lovely this time of year.
Well, I guess I owe you a beer here.
Diane, how the hell are you? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
My God, you look pale.
You folks should've seen her frolicking in the surf at Mykonos.
Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.
The stick running around buck-naked? - It was a semiprivate beach.
- Used to be a semiprivate bottom.
So, Jack, what's been happening with you lately? Oh, nothing much.
I spent most of last year in Tibet centring my consciousness with secrets from the Book of the Dead.
Fun place, Tibet.
I studied under this Buddhist monk who had such a pixyish sense of humour.
I remember this one particular morning.
We were clad in goatskin.
The sun was just coming over the Himalayas.
At that moment I took my first trip out of my body to nirvana.
A trip like that could well be deductible.
See, well, I'm a CPA.
Unemployed CPA.
Kind of a funny, unemployed CPA.
Mr Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.
Some people say that I have a death wish.
Far from it.
- I have a life wish.
- Yeah, so does Normie.
- What, what, what? - He wishes he had one.
Hey, Chambers! Come on, tell us all about you.
Now, the last time I saw you, you turned down my offer to travel around the world because you had a secret love back in Boston.
Baseball player, wasn't it? Yes, Mickey Mantle.
It didn't work out.
I always say the best remedy for unrequited love is a trip around the world on a raft.
Sound tempting? Jack, I feel kind of settled now.
I'll admit that when you knew me in Europe, it was important for me to test myself that way.
And I was rather fearless.
But that was the nadir of my existence.
My life now is complete and happy, and I'm scared of my own shadow.
Well, the least you can do is give me this evening.
Come on, take a spin in my new plane.
I'll show you what that baby can do.
Hey, what kind of aircraft you got up there, Dalton? Messerschmitt? Fokker? No, it's a Bobcat with a couple of Pratt & Whitney JT1 5D-1A engines.
Twenty-two hundred pounds of thrust apiece.
Hey, good little birdy.
Come on, Diane, let's go.
Jack thank you for your kind invitation, but Sam couldn't possibly let me go at the beginning of my shift.
Oh, hey, it's kind of slow tonight.
Why don't you go.
May I speak with you a moment, Sam? I'd really rather not go flying tonight.
- What? - Sam, please.
Tell him I have to work tonight, and I couldn't possibly accompany him.
I have a better idea.
Why don't you do it.
You were his berry-bottomed baby.
Maybe you're right.
It's up to me.
Oh, Jack.
I think it would be better if I didn't go out with you tonight.
No, no, no.
Say it ain't so.
The crazy, impulsive Diane I knew in Europe has turned into Miss Nine-to-Five, Play-lt-Safe, Dare-l-Eat-a-Peach? What a shame.
So long, Diane.
- Well, you don't have to be angry.
- I'm not angry.
I'm just sad at what's lost.
The army of dullness has recruited another soul.
Well, a little spin doesn't sound so bad.
It's a very clear night.
Hey! Does the woman ever say no? Only to you.
Jack, just one thing.
Would you mind if Sam accompanies us? Wait, how'd I get on board this thing? May I speak with you again? What do you want? Sam, it would mean a great deal to me if you came along for protection.
He's not the kind of man I trust myself to be alone with.
Oh, yeah.
Like me, you mean? You do understand.
Okay, all right.
Jack? I guess I'm coming along.
Hey, the more the merrier.
- Malone! - Don't do that.
- Shall we go? - Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, you know, Dalton, a spin up in that little birdy of yours sure sounds inviting.
- Yeah, they'll tell you all about it.
- Yeah, I guess they will.
This is truly lovely.
The moon and stars our only companions as we gently brush aside the billowing clouds.
- Diane, take the controls.
- What? What'd you say? Me? I know nothing about flying.
Well, just put both hands on this like this.
That's right.
Okay, I heard something rattling around in back there.
Gotta go secure it.
Come on, Sam.
Why don't you sit up there.
That's it.
Come on, the view's great.
Okay, now, just fly her steady as she goes.
Don't touch any controls.
Don't touch anything.
You're headed in the right direction.
Hi, Diane.
Hey, Jack? What do you call this steering-wheel thing here? It's called a steering wheel.
No, I'm just kidding.
It's called a yoke.
A bad yoke.
This is so frightening.
And yet exhilarating.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I think we're getting the hang of this, Sam.
Feeling pretty powerful, huh? Well, I have to admit, I kind of feel like I own the sky.
- Jack is really something, isn't he? - Are you kidding me? I mean I could do all that macho stuff if I wanted to, but it wouldn't make me any more of a man.
Do I detect a hint of raised consciousness? Yeah.
I mean, a real guy doesn't have to jump on sharks and dodge poison darts just to prove he's a guy.
I'm astonished.
A real guy just has to score heavy with the babes, that's all.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, Jack, you know, I have to admit, you're right.
This is kind of fun.
Jack? Yo, Jack? Well, he couldn't have gone too far.
Unless he bailed out.
- Jack? - Jack? Sam? He's dead.
- What do you mean dead? - I mean "dead," dead.
- He hasn't got a pulse.
- Oh, come on.
I can't believe a guy like that's ever gonna die.
Yeah? Well, trust me.
Like hell I will.
We're going to crash.
We're going to die.
They'll check out our dental records to identify our remains.
And I haven't been to Dr Oberding for as much as a polish in over six months.
- He's dead.
- I know, dead.
All right, but we're not dead yet.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
All right.
All right, I saw this movie once where this perfectly ordinary lady had to land this airliner.
So all we gotta do now is make radio contact with some guy on the ground, and he'll talk us down onto the runway.
What do you remember? Wait, what do you remember? I remember thinking that, "These people are in a lot of trouble.
" Sam, we're going to die.
Hey, hey.
Do you mind, please? I'm in complete control here, Diane.
I just gotta find the damn radio, that's all.
How do you know which one is the radio? - I don't.
- Will you stop indiscriminately pushing buttons? Oh, my God.
I don't wanna die.
- You're not making this any easier.
- We're too young.
Just relax, will you? I mean, we're still flying, aren't we? We're still going in a basically straight line here.
And we got plenty of fuel, according to the fuel-gauge thing there.
That's a clock.
Well, all right.
It's early.
We've still got a lot of time to sort this whole thing out.
You're right, you're right.
We're still aloft.
Maybe somebody will pick us up on their radar or something and talk us down, and everything will be wonderful.
- Oh, Sam, what did you do? - I don't know.
Well, don't do it again.
We're sinking.
No, don't be silly.
Ships sink.
Planes All right, I'm gonna pull back on this thing here.
Right here.
Okay, here I go.
All right? - Oh, this is good.
- All right.
All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
- This is good.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Absolutely wonderful.
Okay, all right.
All right, now we're back.
Normal here.
I'm just gonna keep looking for this damn radio.
Please, please, please, please, please.
- Look out! - Will you stop that! People don't fly well when people are screaming in their ears.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Good God, please, please.
Oh, God, please.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, Jesus.
- Sam, I think we're going down.
- Yeah, I think so too.
Oh, God, I can't believe this.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's just have a little dignity here and try to be calm, huh? - How do we do that? - Oh, Jesus.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Talk about something.
- Like what? - Anything.
Talk about anything.
Talk about all the good things that have happened to us, huh? Good things? What about all the things that are never gonna happen? I'm never gonna get married.
I'm never gonna have a baby.
I'm never gonna get old.
I don't even have a grey hair.
- Sure you do, right there.
- I do? Where? - Oh, please, please.
- Sam, hold me.
Oh, God.
Oh, it would have been us one of these days, wouldn't it? You and me married? Yeah, yeah.
- Little Sams and Dianes running - Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Why didn't I ask you when I had the chance? - Why did I go to Europe? - Oh, it's okay.
- At least we're going together.
- Yeah.
I love it.
Jack, what the hell are you doing alive? Dalton, fly the damn plane.
It was a little trick I learned in Tibet.
I slowed my metabolism down to a heartbeat a minute.
- Why the hell did you do that, Jack? - Fly the damn plane, will you, man.
- This is about to crash.
- Oh, we're not gonna crash.
- We're at 20,000 feet.
- Big deal, Jack.
Hey, relax, folks.
You were on autopilot the whole time.
Well, you were when I left.
Who's been screwing around with the controls here, huh? That was the rottenest, stupidest, sleaziest thing anyone's ever done.
Chambers, I saw comfortable and safe and domestic written all over your face tonight and couldn't stand it.
You needed this.
You too, Malone.
You needed a step to the brink.
You needed to look into the gaping maw of death and live to tell about it.
I'm gonna stick my fist in your gaping maw.
Oh, no, you won't.
You'll live to thank me.
From this day forward, you're reborn.
Everything in your life's gonna be better.
- You're crazy.
- Food is gonna taste better.
- I don't care.
- Flowers are gonna smell better.
- You're nuts.
- Sex is gonna feel better.
Well, I never want to see you again as long as I live.
You're a big, dangerous baby, Jack Dalton.
- That's right, yeah.
- And regressing at a rapid pace.
You know something? You know, I feel like punching your lights out.
Sam, he's the only one that knows how to land the plane.
That's right.
Okay, all right, all right.
Yeah, but when we get on the ground, you are dog meat, friend.
So, Sam, you never did tell us how you got that shiner.
We hit some turbulence there, and l knocked myself into the alta-gyroscope thing.
Oh, boy, when are they ever gonna recess those things, huh? Is that gizmo there in the shape of a fist? All right, so Dalton caught me with a sucker punch.
- Yeah, but you should see him.
- We got even.
We told the FAA on him.
So, what did you guys talk about when you thought you were gonna die? Oh, I don't know You remember anything, Diane? Not a word.
There were a lot of frightening things going on.
Well, I'm kind of tired.
I'm gonna get ready to go.
Well, you know, Normie, all this talk of danger has inspired me to go out and do something really crazy, eh? What do you say you and me go out and ring some doorbells and run away, eh? Yeah, yeah.
Mind if I get going, Sam? In ten minutes, my sitter's going on overtime, and my kids ain't worth a buck an hour.
- Go, go.
- Thanks.
You're a pal.
Hey, Sam, I want you to know, if I'm ever in a life-or-death situation and things look hopeless, like there's no way of getting out alive, I want you there with me.
Thanks, buddy.
No, no, wait.
Don't leave me here with Where did everybody go? Oh, home, I guess.
- Well, I guess I'll do the same.
- Yeah.
Quite a night, right, Sam? Yeah, quite a night.
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
Look, Sam some things were said between us that have never been said before.
And they were said because we were facing death.
And now that the crisis is over, I think we should set aside some of those things for when we can better deal with them.
What I'm trying to say is that I think we should, for the time being, forget what was said on that plane.
Hey, what plane, huh? The plane where you said your deepest desire was to marry me.
Oh, yeah, that plane.