Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Relief Bartender

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You go all over town There ought to be a law.
- Bunch of meatheads.
- So it's true.
He keeps on talking even when people aren't there.
Yes, but if no one's there to hear it, does he really make a sound? Cliffie, is it worth my asking what the problem is? Yeah, Norm, it's my transmission.
Spend day after day taking it to garages all over town, - nobody can fix it.
- Here we go, Cliffie.
Pierson's Garage, Braintree.
They can fix anything.
All right? Yeah, well, yeah.
Thank you very much, Normie.
You know, my toaster's on the blink.
You think they could fix it? Well, only if you got one in your car.
See, they're auto mechanics, Woody.
Oh, great, it's in the back seat right now.
All right, all right.
Take it easy, Norm.
The kid's good, but you can take him.
All right, I have to select my words rather carefully here.
Woody, they can fix only those things that originally came with the car when you bought it.
As far as I know, cars don't come with toasters.
Well, mine did.
It was part of a promotional campaign.
You know, if I'd bought a convertible, I'd have got a food processor.
Ask for Luis.
He doesn't speak English.
Woody, whisky neat.
Frasier, what are you doing here? I thought you had a date tonight.
I did, but when I showed up, she was in the middle of a shower.
Well, couldn't you wait? It was her bridal shower.
Next time I make a date two months in advance, I'll call to confirm.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Hey, Sam, how were the mountains? - It rained all weekend.
Sam, you forgot this.
Yeah, thank you.
In other words, it was great.
Hey, Diane, how you doing there? How am I doing? Did you ask me how I'm doing? No, not me.
That was Woody.
He's a ventriloquist.
Why? What's the matter? - Last week - Yeah? we were at passion's portal standing on the threshold of a new and excitingly textured relationship.
We were about to open the door on a brand-new beginning for us.
Well, I knocked at the door, but nobody was home, so I went to the mountains with the girl next door.
I see.
Apparently last week meant more to me than it did to you.
Come on, what are you doing here? Are you saying that even though we're not really going together, you want me not to date anybody else? It's not what I want, Sam.
It's what you want that's important.
Well, good.
Because what l wanted to do was go to the mountains with Andrea.
Very well.
Let's just forget the whole thing.
Oh, come on, Diane.
It was just physical.
I mean, that stuff doesn't mean anything to me.
Come on, don't you see what I'm doing here? I'm just honing my skills for that magical night that you and I hit the sheets running.
Sam, you and I will couple when 1,000 ice ages have come and gone.
All right.
How soon do we get to play touchy-feely? Lighten up, will you? - Good evening, citizens.
- Looking a little beat, buddy.
Been staying up late watching those adult movies on cable again? Ma put a lock on that channel.
It's my paperboy, Normie.
He's hitting every place but the front porch.
So I got a little plan worked out now.
All right, get this, 4::30 tomorrow morning in the a.
m.
, I'm gonna put on the old camouflage jacket, stick a couple of branches behind my ears, and duck in the rhododendron bush.
He's smart, but I'm a little bit smarter.
You talking about the kid or the rhododendron bush? I wanna see all my employees in my office, immediately.
Cheers staff, this means you.
In the office, on the double.
Hey, come on, you heard me.
We didn't hear the magic word.
- Please.
- That's not it.
Come on, Carla, what's the magic word? Money.
We all want a dollar.
Okay, okay, all right.
Come on, come on, here you go.
Here's one for you.
Here you go.
One for you.
One for you.
Whoa, wait, whoa.
What are you trying to do? - Beat me out of a buck here? - Sammy.
I'm here out of a fierce sense of loyalty as your accountant, pal.
And the dollar is your little way of saying thank you.
Well, thank you for coming.
I want you all to take a look at this in the newspaper.
It really got me going here.
"Grown Man Lives in Refrigerator"? No.
No, no.
Not that part.
Let me see that.
Oh, my God, look at that.
He's got a TV in there.
Sam, what is this about? Oh, yeah, all right.
Yeah, column three, down at the bottom.
"Don Talbot's Locker Room, Grand Opening.
" Yeah, not only that, Don has got two other pubs opening the same time.
I mean, he's doing fantastic business here.
What's this got to do with the guy in the refrigerator? Nothing, Woody, nothing.
This has to do with me.
This has to do with my life.
I mean, Don was up with the Red Sox for what, a cup of coffee, for goodness sake.
I was there five years, and now this clown is a celebrity, and I'm paying my employees to come talk to me.
You're gonna be paying us a lot more unless this conversation starts getting exciting.
Okay, fair enough.
I brought you in here because I wanna ask you a question: What is Cheers missing? A mechanical bull.
No, Woody, that was one of those questions you ask when you don't really want an answer.
You mean, rhetorical.
Yeah, rhetorical, right.
Anyway, what I'm gonna do here, is I am gonna come out from behind the bar, and I'm gonna become a full-time manager/host.
A what? Manager/host.
Yeah, I greet people.
No, it's perfect.
I mean, let's face it.
I'm recognized on the street.
So is a fire hydrant.
You see, at the same time, I'll be able to hustle up some more business, I'll be able to handle the publicity, the quality control, handling bookings.
I mean, it's great.
What do you think? Is that another rhetorical question? Well, yeah, it is, Woody, actually, because we're gonna do it.
We're gonna start immediately.
Does that mean you won't be bartending anymore? I'm glad you asked that.
Now that I've moved up to management, we're gonna have an opening behind the bar, and we're gonna need to fill it.
Wait a minute.
You know, there was a guy in here the other day, - had an application.
He was fantastic-- - Hey, now wait.
Time out, Sammy.
Does this mean that you're gonna be hiring - another full-time bartender? - Yeah.
I have to advise you, I think that's unwise.
- You sure? - I'd stake my career on it.
You're unemployed.
All right, I'll stake your career on it.
You really-- You can't afford yourself as a full-time host/manager.
No, see, that's the beauty of it.
As manager, I'll be thinking up new schemes to bring in more business, but I'll be so darned charming as the host, that people will start bringing in more friends.
It's perfect.
I'll be thinking and charming all at the same time.
Add chewing gum, and we can sell tickets.
Sammy, I'm sceptical, but more importantly, I'm thirsty, so Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for coming in.
Ken, don't forget to run a handkerchief over those shoes.
Mr Malone, they're tennis shoes.
Well, don't spend too long on them then.
Hey, what's with the spread, Sam? Well, I really topped myself tonight.
I booked a party in here.
The-- Let's see.
The Fraternal Order of the Caribou's sending a group over.
Great.
A group of loudmouthed, rowdy conventioneers, drinking like fish, swearing like sailors, and putting their paws all over us.
Yeah, happy birthday to me.
How many are coming? Well, I don't know.
They said they're sending over a whole herd, so I guess we're gonna be swamped here.
I just hope we have enough food.
What do you think? Welcome.
I'm Sam Malone, your host and owner of Cheers.
You may remember me as Mayday Malone, the relief pitcher for the Red Sox? Anyway, I just want you to know the autographs are free, but the drinks are gonna cost you.
Make him go away, Neal.
Well, welcome.
Carla, a couple tables over here you may wanna get to.
Gee, wait on tables.
Is that what a waitress is supposed to do? Thanks for the tip, Sam.
Diane, we need a mop over here, please.
I'll buy the bullets if you'll pull the trigger.
Shooting is too quick.
I want him to suffer.
Why don't you date him again? Get it in gear, girls.
We got new customers coming in.
Not if you greet them.
What? Sam, this isn't working.
We've done this for a week, and I haven't seen any more customers than there were before you took over as host.
In fact, there are less.
And you haven't come up with one good idea to increase business.
Tonight's different.
I've booked a whole lodge into this place.
I mean, tonight-- Tonight we're making Cheers history here.
A little of the old Malone magic is beginning to spread.
I could use some of that on my flowers.
Just-- Well, Woody, Iooks like the new man behind the bar is working out pretty well, huh? Yeah, he's doing pretty well considering the pressure he's under.
I mean, after all, working around a man of my experience is probably a little bit intimidating.
Good, he seems to be adjusting.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Yeah.
Let go of me, you little devil.
Yes, I am.
I'm-- - I'm the manager.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Well, thank you.
- Fred Anderson.
- Social Director, Caribou Lodge.
- Yeah, right.
I got you.
- Well, you ready for us? - You bet I am.
Great, great.
Come on in, guys.
Looks clean.
Gather around, employees, please.
Okay, now, next couple hours it's gonna be hell.
You're gonna be running your little tushies off.
But tonight, when you put your head down on the pillow, you're gonna know it was worth it, because tonight is the night that we put Cheers on the map.
Okay, all right.
You guys are the whole lodge? Yeah, we just got our charter last week.
You're right, Sam.
We just got on the map.
Cheers, population: three Caribou, one jackass.
Aren't people like that sad? Huddled together, totally lacking confidence in their own individuality.
And incapable of an original thought.
You know, as Dr Bennett Ludlow once said, "I'll speak no thought but mine own.
" All right, I'll admit that things haven't turned out exactly the way I planned them, but it'll be okay.
They'll tell their friends, and their friends will tell their friends.
Do you have anything else? I'm allergic to shellfish.
Sammy, I'd face reality if I were you.
You have three guys in bad suits and enough food to cater the Crusades.
Next to this, Hula Night was a smashing success.
All right, it's okay.
I know things haven't gone exactly great up to this point, but they will, they will.
I'll think of something.
Hey, skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
- That's not bad.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I don't want people having to look at something I'm ashamed of.
- You got a lovely body.
- Yeah.
I'm talking about hers.
You see, Sammy, topless waitresses, scientific fact, they can deliver drinks faster than their clothed counterparts.
Just forget it, Clavin.
This is just your slimy way of trying to cop a look at my tooters.
Well, everything seems to be running smoothly out here.
Think I'll step in my office and think up some more ideas here.
I don't wanna be disturbed.
Go away, Diane.
Sam, may I speak to you for a minute? This situation isn't working.
Your schemes aren't working, and you're driving Carla and me crazy, and if you continue this entrepreneurial bent of yours, you're going to bankrupt the bar.
Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.
Well, I don't know what.
Well, because you don't have my brain.
Well, whoever has it should return it.
You need it right now.
Hey, leave me alone, please.
Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.
It's just obvious what has to happen here.
You have to go back behind the bar.
I know.
I know.
I've known it for a long time.
But why aren't you doing anything about it? Well, because doing something about it means I have to fire Ken.
Right.
And he's such a nice guy too.
Yeah, damn it.
All right, I've put this off long enough.
Go get Ken.
I'll handle this right now, and I'll do it quickly, cleanly and painlessly.
Just like a surgeon.
Yeah.
Yeah, just like a surgeon.
Very well.
- He's headed this way.
- All right.
I suggest you start scrubbing up, Dr Malone.
- Sam, you got a minute? - Yeah, Ken.
I'd like you to meet my family.
I just want you to know that it was pretty rough going there for a while, - for the four of us.
- The five of us.
But thanks to you, we've turned the corner.
Kids, this is Mr Sam Malone.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Well, this-- This is very nice, Ken, but I do need to talk to you.
Oh, yeah, well, all right, there you go.
Yes, Mr Malone? Ken I'm giving you a raise.
That's terrific.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, Mr Malone.
Come on, honey, I want to introduce you to the others, okay? Okay.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
You too.
- Come on, children.
- We want to stay with Uncle Sam.
- Is that all right, Sam? - Sure, sure.
Well, quite an operation, Dr Malone.
What am I gonna do? I can't fire Woody.
Well, maybe if he knew the situation, he'd wanna go.
Why don't you just explain it to him, and let him draw his own conclusion? Maybe he'll volunteer to leave.
He's such a sweet guy.
I'll bet he will.
Boy, he is a sweet guy.
Of course he will.
Sam, you look quite natural sitting there with a babe on each knee.
She's seen babes in my lap before.
Yes, but these know how to tie their own shoes.
Goodbye, you sweet little cherubs.
I don't like her.
Try dating her.
Sam, you wanted to see me? Yes, I do, Woody.
Say, you know Ken's two kids here, don't you? Yeah, I met them before.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah.
Sit down, Woody.
I called you in here because I got a kind of problem.
I hope I can help you, Sam.
Well, I hope so too, Woody.
You know, that scheme of mine to come out from behind the bar and be a host/manager hasn't turned out too well.
Well, that's putting it mildly.
But if it means I'm gonna get you back behind the bar, then I can't say I'm sorry.
Well, it does mean that you're getting me back behind the bar, Woody, but the problem is, I can't afford three bartenders.
You did meet Ken's kids here, haven't you? - Yeah, I did.
Hi.
- Hi.
So, what it boils down to, Woody, is I'm gonna have to let somebody go.
Boy, that's tough, Sam.
Yeah.
You kids are getting awful heavy here.
Why don't you go sit on old Uncle Woody's lap there, huh? There you go.
There you go.
Hey, there we go.
Okay, now, Woody, try to follow me closely on this, okay? Now, see, I can't fire myself because, well, I own the place.
- Well, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
So that means either you or Ken, the father of these two kids.
You get what I'm saying here, Woody? - No.
- I do.
I do.
No, no, no.
Listen, maybe you kids ought to go now, huh? Thank you.
Bye-bye, sweetheart, bye-bye.
You're firing me, Sam.
Woody, l-- Boy, I don't know what to say here, man.
Leave Cheers.
You know, I always thought this job was just too good to keep forever.
Well, I understand.
You know, I'm young and unattached, and I can afford to be out of work more than Ken.
- You are the sweetest guy I know.
- You are too, Sam.
Whoa, what are we doing here? This doesn't have to be a big goodbye.
I'll help you find another job, and if Ken ever leaves, you'll be first in line.
I appreciate that.
Woody-- No, I know what you're gonna say, Sam.
Really? I don't.
Well, it would have been great.
I'll see you, Sam.
I'm gonna go get my things.
Oh, boy.
Sam, this has gotta be the strangest night of my life.
Yeah, it must be something in the air.
Boy, I don't even know how to bring this up, but Well, there was a guy sitting at the bar, said he was from the Harvard Club.
Wait a minute.
Here's his card.
Anyway, he said he liked the cut of my jib, and he asked me if I wanna go and work for him.
Now the money he's offering would be hard to turn down.
- Sam? - Woody! I swear to uphold the bylaws of the lodge and to defend the dignity of the herd.
Woody, Woody, Woody.
Wait, wait, wait, man.
Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, there's somebody in the bar here, somebody from the Harvard Club, who wants to hire Ken, so you don't have to leave.
I mean, just get back behind the bar, man.
God.
What a relief.
Wait a minute, Sam.
What? What do you think I am? I got fired from a job that means more to me than anything else in the world, and you want me to just come walking back in here because Ken wants to leave? Well, I can't do that.
Listen, I need you.
Please, isn't there anything I can do to change your mind here? - Hundred-dollar-a-month raise? - Hundred dollars? No, no, Woody, wait, wait.
I need you.
Yeah, okay, a hundred bucks.
- It's a deal.
- Yeah.
All right.
Boy, yeah, you know, you really surprised me here.
I-- You're a pretty tough negotiator.
Yeah, Sam, boy, I know you think I'm just a country bumpkin.
And the Boyd family may not be too sharp about a lot of things.
I mean, we don't know much about math.
We don't know much about science.
We don't know much about politics.
We don't know much about medicine.
We don't know much about world affairs, but I'll tell you, there's something we're pretty darned sharp about.
What's that? What were we talking about? Machinery.
We don't know much about machinery.
I'll tell you, my uncle, he lost his arm in some kind of contraption-- Oh, you're kidding me.
Wait a minute.
- What? What? - I remember.
We were talking about money.
That's right.
That's right.
We were talking about your $50-a-month raise.
Sam, it was 1 00 a month.
But you know, I'll tell you.
I think 100 a month is too steep.
- I'll settle for 30 a week.
- You got it.
Host/manager extraordinaire.