Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Strange Bedfellows (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, boy, that's the third time you beat me, Mike.
- I guess I owe you another beer.
- No, that's okay.
I gotta run.
I'll take a rain check on that one, huh? Lost again, huh? Yeah, I don't know what's the matter with me.
It seems like that guy just has my number, you know? Forget about it.
Next time he comes in here, you just challenge him to some ltalian arm wrestling.
- Oh, I never tried that.
- Come here.
Give me your arm.
Okay, now, I'm gonna pull as hard as I can, and you resist me with all your strength.
- All right.
- Go.
I beat Carla! And I'm not even ltalian.
You wine them.
You dine them.
Tell them how pretty they are.
Buy them fancy presents.
Finally, you get up the nerve to ask one of the little dears to marry you.
What do you get for all your trouble? Squat.
I thought you'd pretty much gotten over that Diane problem of yours.
Oh, it's not as serious as it sounds.
See, this is the one-year anniversary of the day Diane deserted me at the altar.
To repress my bitterness would be detrimental to my recovery.
So on this day, and on this day alone, I'm going to spew out my venom and exorcise the blond demon that haunts my soul.
Well, happy anniversary.
Holy moly guacamole.
Terre Haute, lndiana.
Oh, I wouldn't throw her out of my bed for eating crackers.
Why else would she be there? Yeah, that's very humorous, Normie.
Yeah, in light of the fact that a leading woman's magazine just recently completed a survey which showed that postmen are the most desired lovers right after-- Rock stars and heart surgeons.
Well, you know what they say down at the P.
O "Postmen deliver daily.
" Have we had this conversation before, Norm? Cliffie, we've had every conversation before.
Boy, when people start finishing each other's sentences, they're-- Spending far too much time together.
Say, Woody, let me have another beer there.
Hey, did you hear the one about the--? Shepherd and the parrot? Yeah.
That was a good one.
- I had a very nice time, Brian.
- Me too.
Well, well, if it isn't Kitten With a Whip.
That's funny.
Sam, I'd like you to meet Brian.
Brian, this is Sam.
And? Oh, this is, yeah, April.
April, that's Brian.
Hi.
- And I'm obviously, I guess, Diane.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- So you two have a good time? - Oh, very nice.
Very nice time.
- Yeah, we had a great time.
- Yeah, we had a fabulous time.
It was just a movie and a burger afterwards.
Oh, but what a film.
And the ground beef was excellent, very lean.
Listen, I wanna thank you for giving me a ride home.
That's a great car you've got there.
Yes, Brian has a wonderful car too, and it gets excellent mileage.
What kind of mileage you get? Thirty-five on the highway, Thirty-two and 24.
Sorry.
Well, thanks again.
Good night.
What a putrid display.
You know, people come here to relax and enjoy themselves.
They don't wanna look at that.
Do you? Yeah! This is sick.
Brian has a big-screen TV.
- April has a satellite dish.
- You are so childish.
Excuse me, are you the owner? Yeah, that's right, Sam Malone.
Hi.
Phil Schumacher, campaign manager for Janet Eldridge.
She's running for re-election to city council.
Listen, the councillor is just down the street on a walking tour of the district.
Would it be all right if she came in to meet the folks, and perhaps answer some questions for the newspaper reporters? - Sure.
Why not? - Great.
Thanks a lot, Sam.
Hey, how about that? We're a stop on the old campaign trail.
Oh, Sam.
You're so politically naive.
Janet Eldridge is an old-money conservative who consistently supports big-business interests over badly-needed social programs.
She's a real political opportunist.
Well, if she's that bad, I'll have her out of here in a flash.
Ladies and gentlemen, Councillor Janet Eldridge.
She's got until Christmas, then she's out of here.
I could use your support in the upcoming election.
Yeah, right.
You got fame, money, power and looks.
- What you need, I ain't got.
- I need your vote.
I need a man.
But you don't see me going around bars begging for one.
I give.
I know when I'm overmatched.
I'm glad I'm not running against you.
She's smooth.
I'll give her that.
Sam, I'd like you to meet Councillor Eldridge.
Councillor, this is-- "Mayday" Malone needs no introduction to me or anyone else in this town.
I was a big fan when you pitched for the Sox.
I think you're just wonderful.
Well, it's mutual.
- Oh, you're a fan of the councillor's? - No, I think I'm wonderful too.
Hey, hey, hey, Sammy.
Unless these tired old eyes are deceiving me, pal, there's something going on between you and the councillor.
I don't think so.
No, no, no.
Watching that woman work this room has brought me to a decision.
You've decided to work it too for a change? I'm going to campaign for Janet Eldridge's opponent - in the coming election.
- Is that right? I've voted for him before, but he really needs my help now.
Would anyone like to join me in this campaign? Working side by side untiringly to carry James Fleener to victory? I would.
James Fleener is the finest man to enter public life in the last decade.
I'd be honoured to work for him.
All right.
He needs all the help he can get.
Who the hell is James Fleener? - Boy, oh, boy, is Miss Eldridge pretty.
- Yeah.
You know, back home in Hanover, everybody on the town council has a paunch and smokes big, smelly cigars.
Don't you have any women on the town council there? Yeah.
Sammy, I've been noticing she just can't take her eyes off you.
- You gonna ask her out? - What are you talking about? Well, look at her.
She's a good woman, Sam.
She deserves it.
I don't know.
Yeah, politics makes strange bedfellows, Sam.
So do you and anyone or anything.
I guess she's a little out of your league when you come right down to it, huh? Yeah, what's the matter, Sam? She too much for you? I just don't think it's a good idea to hop into bed with someone who could raise my taxes.
Councillor Eldridge will take a few questions now.
Jerry Baker, Boston Star.
Councillor, do you support the effort of the so-called Grant Avenue Coalition to overturn the city council's rezoning of that neighbourhood for commercial use? I voted in favour of rezoning and would do so again.
My reasons are a matter of public record.
No, I do not support them.
Clifford C.
Clavin, U.
S.
Postal Service, South Central Branch.
In view of the carnage taking place in our postal routes, are you in favour of beefing up our leash laws to include Iife imprisonment for the canine offenders? I think that's a bit drastic, but I am in favour of doing all we can to support our overworked and underpaid postal carriers.
You do a wonderful job.
That woman has got my support, and I will deliver you the postal vote.
Too bad it'll be to the wrong address.
My name is Diane Chambers, and I have a question.
- Do you work here? - How come no one ever knows that? Yes, I'm a waitress and proud of it.
In a work-ethic kind of way.
Councillor, you have been accused of being out of touch with your constituency.
Do you expect this stroll through the neighbourhood to make up for four years of neglect? - Hold on just-- - It's all right.
Miss Chambers, I represent every one of the people in my district.
If I don't get out and talk as often as I'd like, it's because I'm in my office or at council meetings or in conference with civic and business leaders 1 6 hours a day.
I've never missed a vote in my four years on the council, and if I'm elected again I intend to work even harder for the people I am privileged to represent.
Good, Diane, you got her on the ropes.
Tom Edwards, Boston Sentinel.
Oh, excuse me, I think this gentleman had his hand up first.
Yeah, I'm not a reporter, I'm just a voter.
But I have a very important question.
Do you like Chinese food, and if so, have you ever eaten it in the bathtub? Yes, and no comment.
Well, in that case I have a follow-up question here.
What are you doing for dinner Thursday night? The offer is very tempting, Mr Malone, but I will have to respectfully decline.
- The campaign keeps me very busy.
- I understand.
What I won't give up for the people of this district.
- Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you very much.
Look at that, Norm.
She shot Sammy down.
Impeachment proceedings should begin immediately.
She may be out of touch with the common man, but she can sure spot a common roach.
- Sam? - Yeah? This is Janet's private number.
She wants you to call her.
- Guys, Janet's private number here.
- All right! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Fleener! Fleener! Fleener! Okay.
Fleener! - Sammy! Sammy! - Fleener! Fleener! Say, Diane did you happen to hear that Sam is going out with Councillor Eldridge again tonight? I believe I heard something like that.
Did you know it was for dinner at the governor's mansion? I recall someone mentioning it.
Did they also mention that they were going in a limousine? - A limo? - Not a limo.
A limousine.
So, what are you doing tonight, Diane? Frasier and I are going canvassing for Jim Fleener in the neighbourhood, and then we're stuffing mailers into envelopes later on.
Well, that sounds like fun too.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
- What's happening, Mr Peterson? The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? Well, you're a little late there, Normie.
Where you been? Well, I was at Hurley's Market.
I took Vera out for a little grocery shopping, then a little dinner.
Oh, gee, that's nice, Mr P.
Where did you go to dinner? Hurley's Market.
They were giving out those little sausage samples on toothpicks.
By the way, guys, for your information, a dozen appears to be the cut-off number.
Say, did you hear that I'm going to the governor's place tonight for dinner? Yes.
There was a rumour in the air.
Back when there was air.
You got a second here? Listen you know that ice cream stuff they serve in the middle of dinner there? - Is it okay--? - Sorbet.
Sorbet, right, sorbet.
Is it okay if I were to ask for chocolate sauce with that? - I think it's wise not to.
- All right, all right.
And for God's sake, remember that a bowl of warm water - with a slice of lemon in it-- - I know, I know.
It's a finger bowl, it's not lemon soup.
You know, nobody would've known that time if you hadn't screamed.
You certainly have been at the councillor's beck and call lately.
I never thought I'd see you so controlled by a woman.
What happened to the Sam Malone who once said to me, "Hey, we're gonna do what I wanna do from now on"? You left him in a restaurant with a face full of fettuccini.
That doesn't mean I didn't like him.
"Wim with Jim?" I thought it up.
It's very Joycean.
If that means stupid, I agree.
Frasier, put the box in the back, please.
If you're looking for something to do, you can start stuffing the envelopes.
I've been stuffing all day, Diane.
Frankly, the task has lost its considerable power to charm me.
Frasier, that's a defeatist attitude.
We don't need quitters on the Fleener team.
- Hey, Sam, you're on TV.
- Oh, yeah, look at that.
- Nice-looking threads, Sam.
- Yeah.
Janet picked out the suit.
She really knows what looks good on the tube.
Carla, even though we have our differences, and we're frequently at odds, there's one thing we very much have in common: We both like Sam.
And I'm concerned about him.
I think he might get hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.
Yeah, you're right.
He's having a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman.
The man is a glutton for punishment.
This is no romp, Carla.
It's more serious than that.
And the worst part is that she's just using him.
I mean, it all adds up.
He's an outstanding sports figure, he's attractive, and in this town it doesn't hurt that he's lrish.
- He's a vote getter.
- So what? So when the election's over, it's "So long, Sam.
" And I think he's really going to be hurt by this.
That's "so what.
" You are full of beans.
Women come and women go in Sam's life.
He's just having a few grins, and I can prove it.
Hey, a word over here, heartthrob.
Coming at you.
Cliffie, Cliffie.
I got this one.
You know, Sammy, I've been thinking.
You have got a great set-up with this Eldridge babe.
You're going to all these high-toned parties, meeting a lot of fancy people, driving around in big cars.
And the best thing is, you are getting to do to a politician what they've been doing to us for years.
You know, Carla, sometimes you got a lousy sense of humour.
Sorry.
"A few grins," Carla? - Boy, you look fabulous.
- Thank you.
So do you.
Well, thank you.
Listen, I am famished here.
Do you know what kind of sorbet they're serving? - No, I was curious about that myself.
- Well-- Before we go I have to make a couple of phone calls.
- May I use your office? - Yeah.
Right under the whale there.
Look at the size of that limo.
Hey, Your Excellence? - Does it have a TV? - Yes, it does.
Go and take a look at it if you want.
Oh, hot dog! - Oh, boy, the exuberance of youth.
- Yeah.
Wide-eyed and innocent.
Well, I guess those days are long gone for you and me.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Edith.
Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Councillor Eldridge.
Please, call me Janet.
What can I do for you? It's Diane, isn't it? Yes.
I'm speaking on behalf of everyone here at Cheers, and I would just like to say that we're all very fond of Sam.
And, frankly, we're a little worried about him.
We wouldn't like to see him get hurt.
What are you getting at? Janet, I've made no secret of my opposition to you politically, but let's retract our claws for the moment, shall we? Let's stop hissing at each other.
Do you have a problem with cats? No.
But it's the consensus of opinion around here that you're using Sam to get re-elected, with total disregard for his feelings, and we don't think that's a very nice thing to do.
I see.
Well, I'll be honest with you, Diane.
That's exactly why I started seeing him.
So l-- We were right.
Well, I'm warning you, I have some influence with Sam.
Yes, I know.
He thinks a great deal of you.
Anytime I wanted to-- He said that? Yes.
He mentions you often.
And Sam is a man of few words.
Well, he only knows a few.
Yes.
He is a simple man in many ways, but I think that's his strength.
I mean, I never met anyone who didn't like him.
Well, good.
But I don't understand why we're standing here chatting so enjoyably when you just admitted that you're using Sam.
That's not what I said, Diane.
You didn't let me finish.
Please.
Well, when I first started seeing Sam, perhaps I had ulterior motives in mind, but my attitude toward him has changed dramatically.
I've learned that Sam has something that's pretty special.
I've never experienced with any other man the feeling I have when I'm with him.
When we're at a fundraiser or something like that, I'll watch him across the room talking with some people, and sometimes a feeling comes over me so strong that it nearly makes me ache.
Oh, God.
I sound like a silly schoolgirl.
That's the truth.
Does that make you feel better? It certainly does.
I'm awfully glad we put this matter to rest.
You like Sam.
And Sam likes you.
No one's going to get hurt.
Well, "wack to berk.
" Boy, you're really good.
You almost had me fooled there.
But I don't believe a word you said.
When this campaign is over, Sam's going to last about as long as your campaign promises.
Well, back to work.
And I would like to thank each and every one of you.
- This is a victory for all of us.
- Yes! Well, not quite all of us.
I guess that's about-- I guess that's about it.
Thanks.
Thanks, Diane, for all your help.
Nobody ever worked harder for me than you.
In fact, I think you worked harder than I did.
You did your best.
That's all that matters.
Say, listen, did you know you're out of liquor? And now I would like to bring up a man without whom I would not be standing here tonight.
- Sam? - Yeah? - Would you let Phil through, please? - Oh, yeah.
My campaign manager, Mr Phil Schumacher! And this guy has been such a tremendous help to me in this campaign.
I'm sure he needs no introduction.
But for those ladies in the audience who would like an introduction, you're not gonna get one.
That was my last chance.
Looks like I blew it.
Me too.