Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Strange Bedfellows (3)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You sending another recorded message home to the folks, Wood? Oh, yeah.
lt's a lot cheaper than a phone call.
Hi, folks.
This is your son, Woody Boyd.
But enough about me.
You know, things have been getting really crazy around Cheers lately.
Remember l told you that Sam was going out with this real pretty politician lady named Janet Eldridge? Well, things are still going hot and heavy.
Oh, Miss Chambers quit.
Yeah, l think this stuff between Sam and Miss Eldridge finally got to her.
Anyway, she says she's never coming back in here again.
Gee, l'm gonna miss her.
Well, that's it.
Bye.
Let's hear how it sounds.
We shall fight on the seas and the oceans.
We shall fight in growing confidence and growing strength in the air.
You know, l guess it's true.
You listen to the sound of your own voice, it always sounds different.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! How you feeling today, Mr Peterson? - Poor.
- Oh, l'm sorry to hear that.
No, l meant, pour.
- Trouble in paradise, Norm? - No, at home, Cliffie.
l just put Vera on the train to Springfield.
l have to spend the next few days at home alone with her oversexed, exhibitionist sister, Donna.
Maybe she's an innocent kid, and you misinterpret her friendliness.
Maybe you're right.
You tell me, is it normal for a girl to get dressed on the front lawn? Hey, hey.
Didn't you see the sign outside? We reserve the right to refuse service to skinny ex-waitresses with bad dye jobs.
Oh, Carla, couldn't we make an exception just this once? Thanks, Woody.
But l'm not here for the potables.
l'm here to see Sam.
He should be down in a few minutes.
He's at Melville's with Miss Eldridge.
She's telling him what to say and what not to say at the press conference today.
Oh, there's a press conference? Yeah, and it's gonna be right here in the bar.
Oh, that's quite unorthodox.
No, l think it's open to all faiths.
l'll have a seltzer, please.
Hey, whitey.
About that dye job crack l'm sorry.
You're sorry? l don't think l've heard you say that before.
Thanks, Woody.
Yeah, l know.
But l figure it's about time.
l mean, now that you're Boston's number-one loser, l'm feeling kind of different about you.
l'm flattered.
ln fact l wanna apologize for all the crummy things l've said to you over the years.
Why, thank you, Carla.
Except for that one about your lizard lips.
- l like that one.
- Exception noted.
And you know, the one about you having a personality you could store meat in.
l'd like to keep that one alive too.
This is so like you.
Covering up what are obviously some very fine, warm feelings.
But l happen to know what you're really saying is you like me.
You're touching me.
- lt's called communication.
- No, it's called a death wish.
Hey, Diane, l understand you're hitting the bricks in Unemployment City there along with Normie.
Oh, actually, l've found other employment.
Oh, yeah? See that, Norm? What's the job that you landed there? Well it's only temporary until l hear about this other job.
ln fact, it's so temporary l don't even bother to take my coat off when l'm there, if you get my point.
l'm a checkout clerk at Hurley's Market.
What? A checkout clerk at Hurley's Market.
Are you deaf? Hey, Diane, that's where l shop.
Next time l come in, l'll say hi.
lf you don't, l'll be angry.
Well, excuse me, l have to make a call about that other job.
l'm sure Sam won't mind me using his office.
Cheers.
Oh, just a minute, please.
lt's for you, Mr Peterson.
Hello.
- Oh, hi, Donna.
- Hey.
Donna.
Yeah.
Yeah, l don't know.
Usual time, l guess.
Fine, yeah.
No, it sounds great.
Okay.
- What did she want, Norm? - ''What did she want, Norm?'' What she wanted was, she wanted me to come home early.
She's making a turkey dinner, all right? And then she paused and said there'd be no dressing.
Do you suppose she meant the bird or us? Either way, there's gonna be some plump, succulent thighs at that table.
- Hi, Miss Chambers.
- Hi, Woody.
- l thought you left.
- No, no, l'm waiting for Sam.
l have a call to make.
Well, he's up in the restaurant.
l can go get him if you want.
l mean, he's probably just eating or something.
No, that's okay.
Thank you.
l have calls to make.
Actually, Woody, l'm not really in here to make phone calls.
l came back to apologize to Sam.
l loathe to admit that l eavesdropped on a conversation he had with Janet the other day, and that's inexcusable.
My conscience was bothering me, so l came back to confess.
Thus allowing me to close this chapter in my life.
Okey-dokey.
Woody? Woody? May l ask you a question? Sure, if you're not fussy about the answer.
Has Sam ever talked to you about his feelings toward Miss Eldridge? Well l heard him say that he kind of likes her.
But in my opinion, you and Sam make a much better couple.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're my two favourite people in the whole world.
Oh, Woody.
Thank you.
Except for my parents.
- l know.
- And my teachers at school.
Oh, wait a minute.
l can put you ahead of my 8th grade teacher, Mr Thorndike.
He always had chalk on his suit and he smelled kind of funny.
But, you know, l don't wanna hurt Mr Thorndike's feelings, so let's just forget this conversation.
l was planning to, Woody.
- Hey, Sam.
- Hey, Woody.
Could we go into your office? l need to talk to you about a personal matter.
Sam, this is serious.
So is this.
We have this press conference today, and l just want you to know that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to answer questions - about what our future plans are.
- Why? Because l don't know what our future plans are.
Wait, wait, what are you saying? Well, this may sound a little old-fashioned, but l guess l'm asking what your intentions are toward me.
lntentions? Well, l mean, haven't you ever thought about you and me tying the knot? Oh, now, you told me you didn't go in for that kinky stuff.
Okay.
All right, all right.
Well, do you? You see, you see You and l really have never even talked about, you know-- - The word is marriage, Sam.
- Yeah.
lt won't bite you.
Reporters are bound to ask about us at the press conference today.
l don't know what we're gonna tell them.
Do you? Well gee, l-- l don't-- - l don't know that-- - Oh, take it easy, Sam.
- What? - l'm not trying to trap you.
Oh, are you kidding? l don't feel trapped.
Excuse me.
Let me, let me just l'm not putting any pressure on you, darling.
l know a man like you hates that kind of thing from a woman.
lt's just in my profession, l have to take things seriously because l'm in the public eye.
lt'd be different if l worked in a supermarket or something.
All l'm saying is that it's something we have to think about.
We can't go on indefinitely like we have been.
Not that l have any complaints about what we have been.
Okay, l'll give it some thought.
l will.
l promise.
Good.
l'll see you later.
Okay.
- Sam? - Yeah, what? l just wanted to remind you again.
When are you gonna replace Miss Chambers? - You haven't put an ad in the paper.
- l'll get to it, Woody.
Well, you keep saying that.
- Would you stop bugging me, please? - Okay, Sam.
Sorry.
By the way where is Miss Chambers? Hey, how should l know where she is, Wood? Give me a break, will you? She came in here to wait.
- She what? - Yeah.
Wait on tables here at Cheers, and you fired her.
And you know the rest.
Thank you for the recap, Woody.
Miss Chambers? l covered for your eavesdropping this time, but you know, l think you have a real problem.
l think you ought to get some help.
l will, Woody.
l promise.
Do me one favour, will you? Please, just tell me when Sam steps into the men's room.
Oh, God, it's worse than l imagined.
l can't believe this.
Cameras, reporters, government officials.
And to think, only a few short months ago, l was back in lndiana pumping suds for a bunch of bozos.
Hey, goober, how about pouring us another round? Coming right up.
Hey, Woody, give us a couple of beers, will you? - Hey, where you guys been? - Normie took me to meet Donna, the alleged Lolita.
Yeah, maybe she's not quite as bad as l made her out to be.
Are you kidding? She's the sweetest, most innocent freckle-faced youngster l ever wanted to meet.
And for you to imply she was unwholesome and behaved in a salacious manner towards you is unbelievable.
Well, maybe my imagination's a little overactive, l guess.
Especially if you think that that young lady is coming on to you.
She's coming on to me like gangbusters.
Cliffie, you know, you're really kind of a handy guy to have around.
Just when l think l've gone completely off the deep end, l look over at you, and there you are diving off the cliffs at Acapulco.
Yeah, but looking mucho primo in my bikini briefs, eh? Excuse me.
Well, if it isn't Rebecca of Skinnybrook Farm.
Shouldn't you be out collecting shopping carts? Well, l was in the neighbourhood, and l thought l'd drop by and unwind.
Sure.
lt just happens to be five minutes before Sam and Janet's press conference.
Oh, is that today? Mercy.
Well, l'm a concerned citizen.
Perhaps l'll just stick around and see what happens.
Okay, l think we're ready now.
- Well, Sam, we're on.
- Wait a-- Wait a minute.
l don't know about this tie.
Come on.
When have you ever not looked fabulous? Oh, yeah, right.
Right.
Shows you how nervous l am, huh? - You'll be just fine.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Good day, ladies and gentlemen.
We hold so many of our press conferences in my stuffy old office, l thought it would be nice to show you reporters what the inside of a bar looks like.
There won't be any opening statement today.
l'll just take your questions.
Councillor Eldridge, what's your priority in your next two years of office? You must be new in town.
Mass transit.
l'll see to it that Boston has the finest system in this country or die trying.
Councillor, in view of your re-election to city council, l'd like to pose a question that l'm sure is on everybody's mind here today.
How do you think the Red Sox are gonna do this season? Why don't l turn this over to my special consultant on this issue, Mayday Malone.
Whether the Red Sox do well or not is not the point.
l think they're gonna bring a lot of money into this city, and that can do nothing but help the tax base of our fair city.
ln layman's terms, the Sox are gonna clean up this year.
- l have a question.
- What? What are you--? Excuse me.
What paper do you represent? Hurley's Market Shopper's Guide.
l'm afraid this is for newspaper reporters only.
Oh, l'm sorry.
l thought this was America.
No, no, Phil, it's okay.
- Hello again, Miss Chambers.
- Hello, and thank you.
Councillor, on the less political side, there seems to be a lot of interest in the two of you.
Mr Malone, would you care to comment on your plans for the future? l thought we'd grab a pizza, then try to catch a movie on the tube later on.
How delightful.
But let me be a little more specific.
The hottest topic in town is whether or not there are wedding bells in Sam and Janet's future.
Can you confirm or deny these rumours? Give us a scoop.
l'm sure there are more important issues to be discussed in this forum than that, Miss Chambers.
What do you have to say about this marriage business, Sam? Oh, well, gee, l-- l don't know if-- l don't think this is the time or the place-- No, wait, wait.
Actually, l'll-- l will handle this.
Sweetheart.
Fellas, l think we're jumping the gun a little bit here.
l mean, we've only known each other about four months, so-- Really? By my calculations, it's only six weeks.
Whatever.
Perhaps it just seems longer.
Next question, please.
Councillor, do you agree with Mr Malone that the relationship seems to be dragging on? Yeah, l-- l know what you're trying to do here, Diane.
How dumb do you think l am? l believe we're supposed to ask the questions.
Janet, how dumb do you think Sam is? Could we please confine our questions to matters of public interest, please? Councillor, how do you plan to alleviate the overnight parking problem? The overnight parking problem, unfortunately, cannot be solved overnight.
l have, however, persuaded the city council to hasten the formation of a fact-finding committee for the purpose of looking into selecting sites.
Of course, there are problems to contend with, such as environmental-impact studies and reports.
Stop it! All right, that's it! You see that? She just squirted me! - She has a little yellow squirt-- - Will you stop this? Yeah, all right.
l'll stop it.
l'm all right.
Yeah, l'm gonna escort this woman out of my bar forever.
Very well.
l'll leave.
And l never want to see your fat, ugly face again.
- You're about to see my fat, ugly fist.
- l'm shaking in my boots.
- My tie.
- Going up.
l believe the gentleman from The Globe had a question.
Well, l certainly have to hand it to you, Sammy.
You throw one helluva press conference.
l haven't seen such an ugly scene since my kids' school picture.
l just got off the phone with the last newspaper.
l'm not sure how much damage was done.
What'd you say? l told them you took some sinus medication and had an allergic reaction.
- They buy it? - Not unless there's something else you can put in a crock.
Oh, come on.
l know it was a bit unpleasant earlier tonight, but, l mean, when you look back on it, you can't help but laugh.
Unless you try really hard.
Oh, come on.
Now, there's a grin in there.
Come on.
Now, that'll turn into a smile.
All right, there you go.
Come on, l'm sorry.
How the hell did l ever get into this mess? l'm crazy about a guy who's the worst thing in the world for me.
We can't go on like this, Sam.
You have no regard for my career.
And what's worse, you have no regard for me.
You lied when you said you had no feelings for Diane.
- You obviously have strong feelings.
- No, no, come on, please.
That-- No, Sam, face it.
You're trying to leave every option open, and you just can't do that.
You have to make some choices and some commitments.
lt's called growing up.
Boy, looks like Sammy got his walking papers.
l know how he feels.
l think we've all been there before.
Well, it's never happened to me, so l guess l'll just have to imagine it, huh? Cliffie, l think you actually have to go with someone before you get dumped.
Good night.
Good night.
See you guys later.
Drive carefully.
Why don't we do this tomorrow, huh? Let's go home.
No argument here.
l'm beat.
Boy, Sam, you had a rough day today.
You lost two great gals in one day.
Two? Well, yeah, you know, l always thought that someday Miss Chambers would be Mrs Malone.
That's crazy, huh? Well, Woody, there are more where they came from.
You know, l'm glad you said that because there's this girl in my building l wish you could meet.
She's really cute.
She's got a great personality.
She's really fun to be with, and she has got a gorgeous figure.
And if l were a young single guy in this town See you tomorrow, Sam.
- You okay? - l don't know, Carla.
l think l screwed up my life here.
l mean, look at me.
l'm pushing 40, and what have l got to show for it? Maybe it's time l settle down, huh? Maybe the time's right for Mayday to get married.
The answer is yes.
You didn't ask a question, did you? Listen, Sam, when the right dame comes along, you'll know it.
Well, that's what l'm afraid of.
l think she did, and l let her go.
No.
She didn't come along yet.
Casabas are your destiny, Sam.
Hold out.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hi, it's-- lt's me.
Look l've been thinking about you.
Oh, what the hell.
Will you marry me?