Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Cape Cad

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sam, two nights ago on the boat, you demonstrated in no uncertain terms that you and I are inevitable.
You said those words I had hoped to hear for so long, "Will you marry me?" Before thinking, I responded no.
But then I realized all I needed was some time alone to clear my mind.
Now I have returned to you with a resounding "yes.
" Say, Sam, I don't like it any more than you do, but I've decided to accept it.
Therefore, I am going to work here so that when you finally accept it, as we both know you will, we can move forward to build and nurture our relationship.
Excuse me.
I have customers to wait on.
No, you! Listen, listen, I, I don't want you here.
I don't want you in the building.
I don't want you on this planet.
He's crazy about me.
No, I'm not crazy about her.
You make me sick to my stomach.
That's how I am about her.
We have kind of a little thing going.
Now, what would you like? I'm sorry.
This isn't my table.
Miss Chambers? You know I'm your friend and friends should stick together, so I'm really happy you're back.
Oh, Woody, thanks.
Well, kind of happy, 'cause Sam's my friend, too.
So I can't be too happy or else he'll can me, which will make me really sad.
And I know you, as my friend, wouldn't be happy about that.
So, whatever you do, don't tell Sam what I just told you.
What did you just tell me? Perfect.
(piano plays) ♪ Making your way in the world today ♪ Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Sam, what do you think of Vivaldi at the ceremony? You can invite anybody you want.
I don't care.
I'm not going to be As a matter of fact, nobody's going to be there 'cause there's not going to be a wedding, but if you want to work here, that's fine.
You got my blessings.
I'm glad you've come around to see the wisdom of it.
Oh, there's wisdom in it.
There's tons of wisdom.
Let me tell you why.
I want you to have a front-row seat here for all the luscious babes I'm going to have marching through here every night.
As a matter of fact, from now on, it's casaba city, and you're looking at the mayor.
You'll pardon me if I don't refer to you as "Your Honor.
" You know, I'm going down to the Cape this weekend for a little R&R.
That's Rhonda and room service.
(all hooting) I love the Cape.
We spent so many happy hours there.
Sightseeing, talking Yeah, well, Rhonda and I aren't going to have any time for sightseeing.
We're going to be just coming up for air long enough to order some of that fish head soup.
Bouillabaisse.
No, I mean it.
Fine.
I couldn't care less.
I'll just continue on, secure in the knowledge that you love me.
I did I did not say I loved you.
You proposed to me.
Love and marriage go together.
Why else would you propose to someone? Nevertheless do what you will, but keep in mind that you might try to sabotage this tryst of yours because deep in your heart, you know it's not right.
We are.
Oh, yeah, I see what you're doing here.
You're trying to plant a little seed in my brain.
Oh, don't be silly.
I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.
Yeah.
Hi, everybody.
(dejectedly): Hi, Diane.
Welcome back.
Carla, you don't seem surprised that I'm working here.
I knew you'd return.
Your kind always does.
Like roaches after atomic testing.
Well, I must say I'm relieved to see you act this way.
I was expecting something a little more violent.
No.
I'm glad you're back.
You see, I got this theory.
If you and Sam hang around each other long enough, one of you is going to kill the other.
Now, if Sam kills you, fine.
If you kill Sam, I'll turn you in, get a reward, and you'll get the chair.
(imitates electrical crackling) Either way I come up a winner.
I think we're becoming friends.
Let's have a slumber party sometime.
Hey, there's a kitty-cat in here.
A guy gave 'em to me on the way in this morning.
You know my kids have been giving me a lot of crap about not having any pets, so I figure Max here ought to shut 'em up for a while.
Well, what do you call the little one? What little one? You know, all that wheat's making you hallucinate.
Oh, great, she's having babies! There's another one! You're a farmboy.
What are you supposed to do to stop this? Well, it's too late to go to the drugstore.
I swear, I swear, this cat was not pregnant when I got it.
The minute it becomes a Tortelli, it starts dropping 'em like (phone rings) Oh, yeah, there you are.
Well, I'm off for my weekend, Diane.
Cheers.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that Rhonda was double-jointed? Hey, Sam, it's for you.
Yeah, hello.
Oh, hey, Rhonda.
I was just talking about you.
Oh, oh, no, don't do this to me.
Well can't you be born again on Monday? All right, all right, Well, you, too.
Whew, do you believe that? She canceled on me.
Women.
Reminds me of what my Uncle Henry used to say.
Oh, yeah? What was that, Woody? Women.
Hey, uh, Sammy, don't let Diane hear about Rhonda.
She'll load that info into her shotgun and take aim, huh? Yeah, no one is going to ruin Sam Malone's weekend, no matter what Diane says.
Yeah, hello, Vicki? Yeah, it's Sam Malone.
Yeah, yeah, listen, uh, how, how does the idea of, uh, 48 hours of sun and surf up at the Cape grab ya? Oh, yeah? Well, if that grabs ya, how's the idea of me grabbing you grab you? Yeah, all right.
All right.
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, I, I'll see ya in about two hours then, Vicki.
All right.
Bye-bye.
CLIFF: Yeah.
I thought her name was Rhonda.
Well, uh Rhonda canceled.
But that's good.
That's good because I like, I like Vicki better than Rhonda.
As a matter of fact, I kind of hope that, that Vicki cancels because I have somebody even better waiting in the wings.
I know.
Me.
No, no, not you.
You know, Vicki, I just want you to know that this is going to be the most beautiful, terrific, special weekend of my entire life.
Listen, you don't need to keep selling me on this weekend.
No, I I'm sold.
All right.
I'm famished.
I wish they'd take our order.
Oh, they'll be here.
Don't worry.
Nothing's going to ruin this weekend, I'll tell ya.
Ah, perfect.
Have you decided? What'll you have? Ah, what's the Catch of the Day? You mean besides me? (laughing) Ah, this is great.
Isn't this great? We're having fun, right.
I'll take the scallops.
Yeah, uh, that two of those.
That'll be good.
Oh, geez! Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, are you kidding me? That was fun for me.
Wasn't it fun for you? I mean, it's spontaneous, refreshing.
Oh, it's great.
I'll move you to another table.
Don't you dare.
This is perfect.
Thank you very much.
You know, someone tried to convince me that this weekend was going to be a total disaster.
VICKI: Really? Who? That person right there! Sam! What a surprise.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Vicki.
I'm Leaving immediately.
Diane.
Are you enjoying your weekend? Of course she's enjoying her weekend.
It's a fantastic weekend.
Did you notice your table's all wet? That's 'cause we want it that way.
As a matter of fact, we ordered it wet.
Hey, you know, I think it's drying out a little bit, don't you? Here you go.
That's better.
Excuse me, Miss.
There's a telephone call for you at the desk.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I'll miss you.
What the hell are you doing here? Mm, you know, all your talk of a lovely weekend at the Cape made me realize how much I needed to get away myself.
It's just the most incredible coincidence that we ended up at the same place.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to rattle me, but the joke's on you, because I'm better under pressure.
I don't rattle.
Only when you shake your head.
Have fun.
Okay.
You know, you just guaranteed this is going to be the most perfect weekend ever.
Oh, good, yeah, you're back.
Yeah, that's perfect.
Now why don't you sit down over there.
This might be wet here.
Sam? Hmm? I'm afraid I have to leave.
Oh, God, no, don't say that, please.
I'm sorry.
Look, that was my sister on the phone.
Our grandmother's ill.
I have to fly to Idaho.
Why? You're not a doctor.
Please, please, don't Sam, I'm sorry this happened, but you're going to have to drive me back.
No, no, uh I have to stay here.
Uh, I'll call you a cab.
Well, as long as you don't go out of your way.
What, again, Vicki? Even rabbits take a break to eat.
When you're finished there, go upstairs and help the lady in Mr.
Malone's room with her bags.
WAITER: She's checking out? Her grandmother's ill.
(Diane laughing) I'd heard she was dead.
It's nice to know she's just sick.
WOMAN (on TV): Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
A vowel? There are only two spaces left.
She wants to buy a vowel.
Where do they get these people? (knocking) Who is it? Room service.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good, thank you.
Put put it right over there.
Okay.
I bet you're wondering why I ordered two of everything when there's only me up here, huh? Uh, no, not really.
Well, actually, it's 'cause I want to give the impression that there are two people in the room.
Well, you fooled me.
Oh.
Good, good, good.
Where are my hot fudge sundaes? I couldn't fit 'em on the tray.
I'll be right back up.
All right.
Great, great.
Uh, make sure you parade around the lobby a couple of times before you bring 'em on up.
Will ya? Sure.
(phone rings) Hello.
Hi, Sam.
How's it going up there? Uh, fine.
Fine.
(giggles) Oh, don't do that, Vicki.
I'm ticklish.
Sam, I feel an apology is in order.
I may have made your friend Vicki a bit uncomfortable earlier today.
Well, she's plenty comfortable right now, so, uh, I'll pass on her message.
Bye-bye, Diane.
No, no, Sam.
I wouldn't feel right unless I expressed my feelings personally.
Let me speak with her, please.
Shoot.
She's in the, uh, the bathroom right now.
She's tickling you from the bathroom? Well, she just went in there.
She she always runs into the bathroom after she tickles me.
Perhaps it's nausea.
Sam, I, I really want to apologize to her face-to-face.
I'll be right up.
No, no, no, no, don't (line disconnects) Oh, good, good, good.
Do me a favor, will ya? I'll pay you $50.
I beg your pardon.
Let's go, Harvey.
No, no, no, please.
No funny stuff at all.
Uh, come, come on now.
You'll be saving my life here.
Come, come on in.
Come in.
Now hold it now.
Just a minute here.
I promise you.
No weird stuff.
I just want your wife to go in the bathroom and make some noises.
What kind of noises? I don't know, uh woman kind of stuff.
Like you're getting all dolled up for some hot action.
What does that sound like? Uh, eh, I don't know.
Whatever you and Harvey do Never mind.
Never mind.
Just, uh Here you go.
$50.
(knocking) Hi, Sam.
Hey.
Where's Vicki? She's, uh, still in the bathroom.
Well, I'll just wait.
Huh? No, uh You know, um this could take a little while here.
Why don't you, uh, why don't you just yell your apologies through the door here? Oh, that's silly.
I'll be here all weekend.
I can certainly wait.
(woman laughing) (laughing) She sure is busy.
Is that enough or should we snap some towels? It's the, uh, bathroom inspector.
It's a new thing.
Sam let's call an end to this nonsense right now.
I don't care how rough you were on her; that is not Vicki.
See, I know Vicki left.
I've known all along.
And you let me go through this whole stupid act? Well, I wanted to see how far you'd go-- ordering two sets of meals, leaving empty bottles of Vitamin E outside your door Yeah, well, what about you? You know, coming all the way up here to spy on me? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Yeah? What's the use? We both look like imbeciles.
All we do is find new ways to humiliate each other.
I humiliate you by saying "no" to your sweet proposal.
You humiliate me by rejecting my retraction.
You carry off this ridiculous charade.
I spy on you in hotel rooms.
It's become sick and degrading.
And, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to be a part of it, Sam.
Yeah, well, I'm not too thrilled you're part of it either.
Here you go, pal.
Oh Oh, yeah, yeah.
I guess this all looks pretty weird, doesn't it? Oh, nothing I haven't seen before.
I believe you owe us $50.
Now there's a new one.
Boy, Carla, you know, I never thought you'd be able to unload all those kittens in one night.
Yeah, it was just a simple matter of marketing technique, you know.
Giving away a beer with each kitten really did the trick.
Come on.
Here, Toots, time for your first cab ride.
You know you guys are really gonna love Vera.
She has legs just like a scratching post.
Oh, good evening.
Good evening.
Oh, it's you.
Small world.
Mm I thought I was eating late enough to avoid seeing you.
Me, too.
The only reason why I waited so long to eat.
Oh, I thought perhaps it was because you've been eating for two.
(sighs) I'm kind of glad you're here.
I've been sitting here driving myself crazy.
When we used to come here, wasn't there a lobster trap out in the lobby? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess the lobsters finally wised up and starting coming through the kitchen.
(laughs) By the way, I suppose I owe you an apology for being here this weekend.
In retrospect, I guess it was probably a mistake.
Probably? I'd say "definitely" if you were to admit that it was a mistake to flaunt your date in front of me.
Apology accepted.
Boy, you know the one thing I really hate is to eat alone.
I always feel like someone's looking at me.
I'm the only one here.
Well, you're looking at me.
Then you can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.
Well, I hate to have you butter your knuckles.
Good.
Sam, you know what I remember most about being here before? Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, I think the salt air gives me extra stamina.
Actually, I was thinking of the Clams Oregano, but now that you mention it, I did enjoy the salt air.
Sam, what I said before about our relationship, I'm I'm sorry I said it.
I was upset.
It may not be ideal, but it hasn't been without its moments.
Speaking of moments, this, uh, is beginning to feel like one here.
Yes, I think I've decided what I want, and it's not on the menu.
Oh, you want to skip the main course and jump right into the "Sammy Soufflé"? I see you haven't lost your way with words.
Let's go.
Yes, this is the perfect moment.
But it is with the understanding, isn't it, of what this step we're about to take means? Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
If they give us any trouble, I'll just pay for both rooms.
What it means between us.
Oh, now wait, listen.
Listen.
No, it has to mean something, Sam.
I'm only gonna agree to do this if, if we agree that it doesn't mean anything.
How can our lovemaking not mean something? Well, it's easy.
Just concentrate.
I don't want to get caught up in a war of words with you.
What I'm feeling right now is very special, and I think we should go upstairs and be with each other and figure out what it means afterwards.
Let's go.
No.
What? I-I gotta be clear what I'm doing here.
I mean, my gut's telling me one thing, but my, my head's telling me something quite different.
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
(chuckling) Oh! Gotcha.
(laughs) You were joking? (laughs) Yeah.
How's it feel? I mean, how do you like it when you get your motor all revved up and then someone jerks the rug out from under you? Well, mixed metaphors aside, I don't like it a bit.
Yeah.
But your point is well taken, and I deserved that.
Well, great.
(chuckling) All right.
Come on.
Let's go.
No.
What do you mean "no"? Oh, all right, I see what you doing.
That's good.
That's, that's very funny.
That's (chuckles) All right.
Come on.
No, the only place I'm going is home.
You know, it's very funny.
I laughed.
The joke's over.
Sam, this is the wrong time for physical dalliance.
It's too soon.
If we rush into a physical encounter now, we might ruin the much more important nuptial consummation coming up.
Smell the old salt air.
Sam, please.
This is nothing to worry about.
We're on the right course.
When we're married, you'll be happy we waited.
Really, this is nothing to be upset about.
Bye-bye.
Fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
I mean, it's perfect.
You said someone was gonna ruin this weekend, but now I'm really gonna have some fun here.
Shoot.
Did we lose another one? (groans)