Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Money Dearest

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Mr.
Clavin's back.
Whatta you say, Woody? How was your trip to Expo? Oh, a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
I tell ya.
You know, no ears have heard, no eyes have seen the wonders I've experienced these past two weeks in Canada.
If I died right now, I'd be a happy person.
You wouldn't be the only one.
Hey, uh, Normie, you should have seen this 3-D movie they had about life in Vancouver.
You know, with those glasses on, you felt like you were really there.
You were there, Cliff.
I've been readin' up on Expo.
Did you catch that bullet train they got there? No, I guess I missed that one.
Did you see the Great Hall of Ramses? Uh, no, no, I guess that slid right by me yeah.
Uh, how about the U.
space exhibit? No.
Chinese acrobats? Uh-uh.
SAM: Hey, Cliff! How was Expo? A major disappointment, Sam.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same ♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name.
♪ Sam, Yeah.
I need a Dewar's rocks and a Grand Marnier, please.
Comin' up.
Did you have a chance to look at the catalog I left for you? What catalog? This catalog with the silverware patterns.
To go with our china and fine crystal.
Sam, we have to make a decision, if we're going to be registered.
Some people in the bar are starting to ask about gifts.
Who? What people? Where? Aw, Norm.
I just asked if ya had to give one, all right? Anyway, Sam, should we have a big wedding? No, no, I think we should have a military one.
All 21 guns aimed at the bride.
Hey, Fitz.
Still Irish? As Paddy's pig.
All right.
Make it the usual, Sam.
SAM: Uh, drinks for everybody.
(cheering, applause) So, uh, who's the geezer? That's Mr.
He's come in every day for the past two weeks and bought drinks for everybody.
Yeah? Gee, he's a heck of a guy.
You know, I think, in many ways, Mr.
Fitzgerald and I are alike.
We both come here seeking warmth and camaraderie.
A safe haven from the outside world.
You know, a place where you can always feel welcome.
Excuse me, pal, you're on my stool.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize.
Eh, look at him, huh? Mr.
Big Shot over there.
What does he think he is, a "bon vivone" or something? (chuckles) He's about the richest guy you'll ever meet, Cliff.
Why don't we join him? CARLA: Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night.
But I don't want ya gettin' the wrong idea about me.
Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.
See? That's what I mean about the wrong idea.
Eh, howdy.
Cliff Clavin.
Duncan Fitzgerald.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, so, uh, you, uh, you live in the neighborhood? Well, I just moved here.
I was originally from Michigan.
The, uh, Wolverine State, huh? Interesting, interesting.
So, I hear you're stinkin' rich.
Real smooth, Cliff.
Very smooth.
Uh, Fitz is actually kind of a minor celebrity, I guess.
He invented a little something we call the, uh, the refill, right? Is that right? No, no, no, no.
It wasn't the refill.
It was The metal vapor input valve.
It's, uh, used on most, uh, commercial and military jet engines.
Oh, yeah.
I never step on a plane without lookin' right out on that wing and see if there's one out there.
Actually, it's located in the tail.
Uh, well, yeah, yeah.
It's, uh, 'cause if ya saw it on the wing, then you'd know you were in a lot of trouble, huh? NORM: As long as we're talkin' business here, who, uh, who does your books, sir? McCann and Williams.
McCann and Williams.
Uh, can I talk to you about that over a game of darts? FITZGERALD: Sure.
I think I could do better than those guys.
What do you like best about them? Well, I must say I like their aggressiveness.
(chuckles) Sir, I think I can be just as aggressive.
I doubt that.
Yeah, you're probably right.
He's a great guy.
Yeah, it's too bad that we seem to be his only family.
No wife? He's a widower.
CARLA: Boy, I'm tellin' you, with all the millions he's got, if I was an old bat, I'd snatch him up in a minute.
What's that, Cliff? Huh? Oh, uh, well, you know, my ma's been dyin' to come down here for, uh, years to meet all the guys at the bar.
Hey! Tonight's a good a night as any, huh? I wish I'd thought of that.
I'd try to get my mother down here first, but it takes a forklift to get her off the couch.
Hey, Clavin, Fitz really wants to leave.
Yeah, yeah, she's comin' now.
Just hang on a minute.
Hold him there.
Hi, there.
Ma, what took you so long to get down here? Well, I wanted to look my best for your friends.
And this is two hours' worth? Uh, Ma, this is Cheers.
Yeah, this is the odor I'm always washing out of your shirts.
Well, come on in, Ma.
I, I want to introduce you to the finest, greatest bunch of pals a guy could have anywhere on the Earth.
I'm tellin' ya.
Everybody, this is Ma.
Ma, this everybody.
Ma, you just stand right there for a few seconds, huh? I'll be right back.
So I guess Mr.
Clavin's told you a lot about us, huh? No, actually, Clifford doesn't talk much around the house.
That Cliff? That's right.
Some days, not a peep.
Of course, the same thing occurs in nature, too.
It's a little-known fact that arctic wolves that remained in the den too long exhibited a tendency to be reticent in their howling.
Now, when I read that Hey, Ma, Ma, Ma, come on.
You're boring the pants off these people here.
Well, look who's here.
Ma, I'd like you to meet a dear, dear, old, very close friend of mine.
Fitzgerald, this is my ma, Esther Clavin.
Nice to meet you.
Duncan here's originally from Michigan, Ma.
Have a seat.
Yeah, my ma's been to your home state.
Oh, really? No, I've been to Maine and Montana, but not Michigan.
(forced laugh) Isn't that fascinating, huh? Perhaps, if you live in a cave.
(laughs) Isn't she a firecracker? Uh, say, Mrs.
Clavin, uh, did you know that Fitz over there invented a technical gizmo on jet airplanes? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, what a coincidence, huh, Ma? You've, uh, you've ridden in jet planes before, haven't you? No, I walked to Montana.
(giggles) Normie, I'm sinkin' fast.
Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you two share a war together? Hey, yeah.
That's, that's right.
Uh, Ma, where were you during the big one? Clifford, you know I was in New York.
I worked at the USO on 42nd Street.
I was in charge of table games.
Universal checker championships, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9:00 p.
Oh, my goodness! Ladies red, gentlemen black.
Your host BOTH: Bobby Holloway.
(both laugh) That's right! That's right.
Bobby Holloway.
Oh, Bobby Holloway.
ESTHER: Oh, Bobby Holloway.
Isn't this beautiful, huh? Hey, why don't you two finish up your reminiscing over some nice baked sea bass, huh? That's the, uh, special up there at Melville's.
Well, I could use a bite.
Well, I guess I'm feeling kind of peckish, too.
Hey, and listen, it's my treat.
Now, I absolutely, positively, insist-- dinner is on me.
Oh, I can take care of it, Cliff.
You got it! Oh, what lovely buttons.
Did you know that buttons on a man's jacket sleeve have absolutely no purpose? They originated on the uniforms of Napoleon's army when he discovered that his soldiers were using their sleeves to wipe their noses.
Oh, she's gonna flap her gums all the way to the poorhouse.
Hey, Cliff! Hey, Sammy! Have you heard the latest in the, uh, Ma-Fitz romance? No, no.
What's goin' on? Yeah, they're celebratin' their first week together with a picnic on the Charles.
Whoa, the Charles! Boy, that's the make-out capital of the world.
And if he does as well as I do, there's gonna be a lotta panting and rolling around and shopping.
There's a mall right next to the Charles.
SAM: Oh, yeah.
Speaking of the devil Oh, hey, Ma, Fitz! I thought you two were on the way to the Charles.
Well, we are.
Are you busy? What's up, Ma? Sit down, son.
Clifford, now I know how much your father meant to you, and I know it's going to take a while for you to adjust to this, to having a new father.
Daddy! ESTHER: My God! Clifford, I haven't even kissed him on the lips.
Hey, everybody! Wedding bells at the Clavin compound! (cheering) When's the happy day, folks? Tomorrow.
CLIFF: Sammy, champagne! Oh, Duncan, I'm gonna throw you the biggest bachelor bash Beantown's ever seen! Normie, call all my friends.
I think he moved.
Well, then call all yours.
Woody, I'm gonna make you entertainment chairman, huh? Hot dog! Get on the horn there, call the Parker House and, uh, order me up their fanciest room.
You got it.
Wow, my first bachelor party.
No dates, right? No.
Hey, uh, congratulations there, Fitzie.
Thank you.
Listen, if things don't work out with Esther, here is my mother's number, okay? Let it ring ten or 15 minutes.
She'll get there.
Oh, you two.
I'm so happy for you.
You know, Cliff, your mother is the first person who's ever really loved me for me instead of my checkbook.
Oh, Ma That's why I'm donating the bulk of my fortune to charity.
CLIFF: Giving money away.
Actually it was your mother's idea.
Ma's? I didn't want Duncan to have any doubts about my feelings.
How are you two gonna live? Well, I'm not gonna give it all away.
I'll keep enough for the two of us to be comfortable.
We're simple people-- we don't need much to live.
ESTHER: And you're self-sufficient, not to mention that postal pension you're always bragging about.
Clavin, it's the Parker House.
They want to know if you want the Embassy Court or the Grand Ballroom.
Give me that! Give me that phone! Fraternity prank.
What, are you nuts, Woody? I can't afford a party.
Parties are for rich people.
I'm poor.
I've always been poor.
I'll always be poor.
I'm gonna die poor! I'd like to resign as entertainment chairman.
Listen, I don't know how to say this to you without offending you, but you're behaving like a class-A jerk.
Oh, am I? Well, what have I got to celebrate? SAM: Well, for one thing, your mother's met a very nice man who's making her very happy.
And? Cliff! Well all right.
All right, of course you're right.
(Cliff sighs) I guess I just forgot how much Ma means to me.
Yeah, I'll have the party for her sake.
It'll just have to be the economy version.
You know, no frills.
Well, if it'll help out, we'll close the bar early, and you can have it here.
Why, thank you, Samuel.
That's very nice of you.
Hey! Hey, wait a second.
Who knows, when Fitz sees what a nice guy I am, maybe he'll, uh, remember me in his will.
CARLA: Yeah.
"To the idiot son of my new wife, I leave squat.
" (lively jazz playing) (music continues) Uh, Mr.
Clavin, some of your guests have been asking if they can take the plastic wrap off the food.
Don't they understand? When food is exposed to air, just about anything can happen.
Yeah, people could eat it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny, wise guy.
Oink, oink, Mr.
Let's have a little restraint.
This food's got to last us the rest of the night.
Oh, the girls are here! (men whooping and shouting) CLIFF: Oh, Sammy, Sammy, I thought this was gonna be a low-budget affair.
My treat.
Oh, hey, well, in that case, ladies, welcome! Shake it, bake it, let's see if we can take it! (laughs) Oh, come on in here and let me introduce you to the, uh, the guest of honor tonight.
There he is.
Sic him! (belly dancing music plays) (laughing): Hey! Eh, so, Fitz, how are you enjoying your bachelor party so far? I haven't been this excited since I first trapped vapor in my input valve.
No man forgets his first time, huh? (chuckling): Oh, my! Hey, don't worry, Fitz, they're not gonna bite.
Yeah, he's right.
That costs extra.
Hey! SAM: Hey, girls.
What're you doing back here? I thought you had a bachelorette party going.
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, I have to borrow some money against next week's loan.
Can you give me 50 bucks? All right.
What do you, uh what do you need it for? We're going to a dance recital.
You need 50 bucks for a dance recital? We have to have something to stick in the guys' underwear.
(both laughing) Good for you.
Esther here is okay.
I mean, you can't blame her for one horrible crime against humanity.
Where, uh where's Diane? We ditched her.
There you are! How on earth did we get separated? I have no idea.
I thought we all got in the taxi, but when it pulled away from the curb, I was the only one inside.
(laughs) Uh, this is this is fun, but, I you girls are gonna have to leave.
This is "men only" here.
Oh Oh Okay, okay.
You know, instead of going to that club you suggested, we could try Cafe au Lait.
They have a wonderful new harpist, I hear.
Oh, great.
No, that sounds like fun.
I'll hail a cab.
Let's go! Hey, Normie, Normie, things are going very smoothly.
Yeah, yeah, I think Fitz might donate some money to, uh, my favorite charity.
Yeah? What's that? Save the Clavin Foundation.
I am having the time of my life! I knew you would, Fitz.
You know, I didn't warm up to you at first, but, uh, I'm beginning to think you're not so bad after all.
Yeah? When did you come to that conclusion? Figure it out for yourself.
(music continues) Then she says to her girlfriend, "Maybe so, but this one's eating my popcorn.
" (laughter) Okay, okay, I guess it's time for me to take off the psychiatrist's cap and tell one of my own.
All right! All right, well, it seems there's these two men stranded on a deserted island.
Doug and Dave.
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
This is better with dialects.
Uh Okay, so an Irishman and a Dane are stranded on a-- no, wait a second.
I-I don't do Danish.
Um Okay! An Irishman and a Swede.
All right.
That's it.
Patrick and Lars.
So Lars turns to Patrick one day, and he goes, uh (Swedish accent): "How much water have you left?" (laughter) Oh, no, gee, wait a second.
I-I think one of them's supposed to be a rabbi.
(conga music playing) Whoa! The King of the Conga.
Hey, Cliffy, how am I doing? Ah, you're a vision, Fitz, a vision! Woody, I don't think I've done that since my wedding.
Oh, you conga'd at your wedding? No, I sweated.
Okay, now, I want to get the punch line just right because otherwise, I'll ruin the whole joke.
Uh, you know, it's all the noise in here.
Would you mind? It's kind of distracting.
I'll, uh, I'll be back in a second.
Kick up your heels, Fitz.
That's it, faster! Hey, Fitz! Fitz, hey, maybe you ought to sit one out.
You've been going pretty hard there.
No, no, Sammy, it's his last night to howl.
Let him live it up, huh? Hey, listen, thank you, Cliffy.
You've given me one of the very great nights of my life.
And I want to promise you I'm gonna take very good care of you.
Sammy is there a tear in my eye? No, no.
Are there dollar signs in my eyes? Yeah, I think there are, Cliffy.
(laughs): Oh-ho Hey, Normie, did you hear that? I'm gonna be rollin' in it! Yeah, you been rollin' in it for years, Cliff.
Come quick! This is terrible! Fitz is really sick! Oh, my God! Okay, I've got it! (Irish accent): "Glory be.
Nobody knows the rubble I've seen.
" (Frasier laughing) No, no, that wasn't it.
All right, before we go home, one more time.
Hell of a guy.
To Fitz.
It was a lovely service.
And, Diane, your choice of poem was wonderful.
Thank you.
I just wish I hadn't been cut off right in the middle.
We had to-- the eternal flame was starting to go out.
Good night, Sammy.
Good night, all.
WOODY: You know, funerals are a lot different here than they are back home.
NORM: Yeah? How's that, Woody? Well, where I come from, when somebody dies, people come from miles around, bake lots of pies, bring all kinds of food, make speeches, ride the roller coaster.
Oh, wait, that might be the state fair.
Ma you okay? ESTHER: I'm fine.
I just was gonna straighten up in here a little.
You don't have to do that, Ma.
No, I want to.
Oh, will you look at the rings on this table.
Don't people use coasters anymore? Ma whenever you're trying to hide something inside, you always pick up some household chore to do.
Now, I don't know if you realize it, but since Fitz passed away, you you haven't cried, you you haven't got upset, you haven't shown any kind of emotion.
Well, what's there to be upset about? I barely knew the man.
We just had some good times together, that's all.
Ma stop wiping.
(sobbing) That's it, Ma.
You just let it all out now.
(sobbing) Good, good.
Now, don't you feel better? (loud sobbing) Yeah, that should just about do it, huh? (sobbing) Good.
One last little spurt.
(sobbing) Ma, you know, there's a fine line between expressing your feelings and blubbering.
(crying, chuckling) (chuckles) I'm sorry.
I guess you're right.
I'll get you a glass of water, Ma.
Oh, well.
Life goes on.
I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm not the type that good things happen to.
Well, I don't know, Ma.
I mean, there was, uh, one good thing that happened to you about, uh, well, 37 years ago.
There certainly was-- not many women get to shake hands with Bing Crosby.
(clears throat): Well, there you are, huh? Oh, Cliff, you know I mean you.
You're my pride and joy.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Gee, think of that.