Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Abnormal Psychology

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
MAN (on TV): so grab your rod and reel, and join us next week when Jim takes us trolling on Lake Winnebeshaki.
Nice show, huh? Well, if you ask me, there's something wrong with watching televised fishing.
Not the same impact as watching it live, huh, Woody? Hey, you know something? I got a great idea.
What's to stop us from taking a little fishing trip ourselves? We don't want to? Oh.
Come on, it'd be fun.
You know, we could go this very afternoon, head out to Lake Winthrop, huh? What do you say? NORM: All right.
All right, let's get organized here, uh, Woody.
Uh, I'd like you to be in charge of bait and tackle, okay? Got you.
Cliffy in charge of, uh, food and the transportation.
Well, what're you in charge of, Mr.
Peterson? Finding a reason not to go.
Ah, here we go.
Huh? Gladiator film festival at the Majestic.
CLIFF: Yeah, that's a good one.
Boom, boom, boom, boom (humming dramatic fanfare) De gustibus non est disputandum! (humming continues) (piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away ♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪ ♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪ And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hi, Sam.
Oh, uh, some customer was in with some tickets to some concert, sounded foreign and dull.
I thought you wouldn't want to miss it.
Thank you.
(gasps) Jean Pierre Rampal! It was just some customer.
I didn't really catch his name.
He's a flautist.
Nothing less than brilliant.
No other player could so eloquently fuse the world of classical music to that of modern jazz.
What a perfect performer for us to see on this, our first official date together in our new-found relationship.
What should I wear? Something long or tea length? Why don't you wear something you can stretch out in? Oh.
The seat next to you's gonna be empty.
Sam! Come on, please.
Can't you scrape somebody else up to go? Please.
And the operative word there is "scrape.
" There's only one man I want to be with.
No, no, I'll go alone.
And it'll be fine.
Miss Chambers, I might be back from my fishing trip in time to take you, if I don't stop to clean up first.
No, thank you, Woody, that's very sweet.
Maybe next time.
Okeydoke, but I don't know when I'm gonna be going fishing again.
Cliffy, it was not ten.
I had 11 of 'em.
11! You're wrong, Normie, you're wrong, wrong, wrong.
How was the Gladiator film fest, fellas? CLIFF: Not now, Sammy.
We're awash in controversy.
You had ten, Norm, just like me.
Ten what? Anachronisms.
Huh? Oh, you know, those things that, uh, aren't in the time period in which the film is set.
Normie and I like to see who-who gets the most.
Today it was me.
11! Normie, you had ten just like me.
There was no way it was Caesar Augustus wearing Reeboks.
Hey, so you guys ready to go fishing? Uh we got to You know, Woody, uh, couple beers first.
You know, I work up a powerful thirst watching, uh, Thoracian dogs smite Spartan pigs, you know.
Greetings, everyone.
Hey, Frasier.
How about a beer? Oh, well, no, Sam, just make it a club soda.
I've got to appear on TV today, and I want to keep my wits about me.
Oh my! SAM: No kidding? What's the TV show? FRASIER: Well, it's a local talk show called Psychology This Week.
Oh, maybe you heard it.
I don't know.
I know all about that show.
It's where once a week a couple of shrinks get together and debate certain aspects of the psychological condition.
That's right.
NORM: Oh, man, we had to pick today to go fishing, huh, Cliff? Well, I'm surprised.
I didn't know you were a fan.
SAM: Hmm Well, he was, but he stopped watching when they lost the hostess with the big Hindenburgs.
It's on at 4:00.
It promises to be very cerebral, and, uh, I might add, uh, darned entertaining.
Well, uh, unfortunately, Frasier, it interferes with another highly cerebral event-- the, uh, Raiders - Patriots game.
SAM: Yeah, right.
I realize that football is a rarity on television in the fall, but don't you think we could spare half an hour to see our friend, Frasier? Do you have any idea how much action you can miss in a half an hour of football? About 18 seconds.
Oh, all right, all right.
I guess it won't hurt much.
Thank you, Sam.
(phone ringing) Cheers.
Yeah, hold on a second.
You want to tell me what the taxicab was doing, uh, parked in front of the Temple of Athena? Yeah all right, uh, it was, uh uh it was, uh, probably taking Demitrius to the airport.
Well, thank you.
(clearing throat) Well, as it turns out, you can now watch your game with a clear conscience.
I won't be doing that show after all.
What changed your mind, Frasier? Well, Dr.
Foster had to cancel, and, uh Dr.
Sternin is going to take his place.
Lilith Sternin? You mean that-- uh, pardon my French-- woman you once dated? That's a rather charitable description, Cliff.
Well, I just hope they can find someone to replace me as readily as they did Dr.
Can't handle debating a woman, eh? A woman, yes.
An ice cube in heels, no! Look, I have no intention of entering a debate with those cold, gray eyes and those clever, smirking lips.
I'd rather clip my nails in a Cuisinart.
Oh, my.
What's wrong? Oh, don't you see? Frasier's in love.
He's what? Oh, come on, Sam.
You're forgetting I was once romantically involved with Frasier.
I know when he's enamored of someone.
Didn't you see his nostrils flare? And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love.
Indifference is.
Well, whatever you say.
I really don't care.
Touch?, Sam.
Let's be honest.
Quite often you've expressed feelings of antagonism toward me, and we both know how much you love me.
I I do not love you, Diane, and I have the nostrils to prove it.
And you You're wrong about Frasier.
I mean, I know psychobabble when I hear it, and I also Wait.
Uh Frasier? There's a theory going around the bar that you're ticked off with Dr.
Sternin because you're in love with her.
What do you think? Well, that sounds like someone who doesn't know shortcake from Shinola.
Hey, good guess, good guess-- Diane.
FRASIER: Oh, well, hmm.
That's nothing but mere cocktail-party psychology.
Believe it or not, Sam, it's actually possible to have hostile feelings toward someone without being in love with them.
You mean I can actually hate Diane without having it mean anything more than I hate her? Feel free.
Ooh! Oh, I better cancel that appearance before it's too late.
Hang on.
There you go.
CLIFF: Uh-oh! Frost warning.
Good afternoon, Dr.
What a lovely surprise.
I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation, rather than sarcasm at my expense.
No, that was completely at your expense.
You know, I wasn't going to do today's show when I heard you were the other guest, but then I realized I'd relish proving my superiority over you in public.
Yes, that appeals to me, too.
So, I felt we should at least discuss some procedures of conduct.
Ah, well Don't you dare.
My mistake.
So, am I to assume that you just naturally thought that I'd be at this drinking establishment? Actually, knowing your obsessive-compulsiveness, I checked with your service, and indeed, you'd left them a very complete itinerary of your day.
I trust all went well at the dry cleaner's.
Thank you, yes.
And I can assume from your questioning that you're attempting to make idle conversation rather than articulating some control dysfunction with my personal habits.
That's correct.
Are they fighting? LILITH: First of all, I think any mention of our past relationship could tarnish the objectivity factor of the show.
You call that a relationship? I mean, we dated one time.
The closest we came to physical contact was when you closed the car door on my hand.
Are you repressing? Oh! Forgive me.
Actually, you're quite right.
Yes, I should be straightforward in telling you that you are passionless, stoic and emotionally numb.
Apology accepted.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're fighting.
He just asked for mercy.
Secondly, I think perhaps we Look, Dr.
Sternin, if you'll excuse me, I have to cash a check and fill up my gas tank before the show.
Yes, I know.
Have the attendant make sure your tires aren't as inflated as your ego.
You know, you perplex me.
Oh? Yes, normally people of your limited physical appeal make up for it with an actual personality.
Sternin, excuse me.
I overheard Dr.
Crane's remarks.
If it's any consolation, I can empathize with your hurt feelings.
If you'd like to share any of them with me as a fellow woman, I would consider it an honor.
Who are you? (chuckles softly) Diane Chambers.
I'm an old friend of Dr.
Crane's, a student, and until my imminent marriage, an employee here at Cheers.
Please, let's sit down.
Well, I suppose I am just a little sensitive when it pertains to my appearance.
Well, if I may be so bold as to step into your arena, I believe that Frasier's hostility is masking a deep attraction to you.
(subdued chuckling) Thank you, Diane.
It's been a long time since I've had such a good laugh.
Why would Frasier Crane be attracted to me? I'm not that kind of woman.
But you can be.
It just takes a little softening of the edges.
Perhaps loosen the bun a bit to relieve some of the tension in your face.
I'm afraid it's not as easy as all that.
Oh, that's nonsense.
Look I'm not far from here.
Why don't you come over to my place, and I'll show you what I mean? We'll just put a little more makeup on, or some.
I really don't think I can do that.
Oh, come on, Dr.
You're going to be on television today.
A little refinement of your appearance might give you an edge in the debate.
Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Good, good! Let me get my things.
Sam, may I have my purse, please? Oh, and I'm going to be taking my lunch hour a little early today.
Thank you for showing up at all.
You're welcome.
Shall we go? You know, I've always envied women like you who could simply tumble out of bed each morning looking blonde and perky.
Oh, well, I must admit, in my case, there is a little labor involved.
A little labor? She's calls in Local 416.
(TV plays) Yeah.
Yeah? Come on, guys.
CLIFF: Yeah, I think they Okay, the tank's full, and the gear's all loaded.
I got everything you could possibly need for a fishing trip.
Uh, Woody, look, uh, we're right in the middle of the game, huh? I got a battery-operated portable TV in the car.
We got a few beers to finish here yet, buddy.
I got a cooler full icing down in the trunk.
Yup, I think the kid's outlasted us, Norm.
WOODY: Hot dog! Look out, trout! (laughs) Hey, if you guys don't mind, I'll do the driving.
All right, I got shotgun.
Wouldn't it be more sporting to use a fishing pole? Oh, this is gonna be great! ANNOUNCER: It's a fumble.
Davis picks it up for the Patriots, He's got a clear field Come on, come on, come on (all shouting) (theme music plays) Aw, come on, Diane.
It's a great game.
What're you do? Now let's all check our watches.
Did we not promise to watch Frasier's show at 4:00? All right, everybody see it? ALL: Yeah.
(fans cheering on TV) (affirmative shouts) (indistinct voices) All right, fine! I'm not gonna play cat-and-mouse with a silly remote control box.
You know, all you people ever see of Frasier Crane is an ordinary Joe sitting at the bar being one of the guys.
You should see him in his métier.
He's a brilliantly perceptive man.
Does anybody have a box that'll shut her up? No, but I'd be glad to do it manually.
SAM: Oh! Come on, you guys.
We made a promise.
MAN: Aw, Sammy! Thank you, Sam.
HOST: First I'd like to introduce Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Crane is an eminent psychiatrist here in the Boston area specializing in treatment of phobias.
(applause) Joining Dr.
Crane in this discussion is Dr.
Lilith Sternin.
Sternin is a member of the psychiatric staff at Boston General Hospital.
(applause) (crowd murmuring) Welcome, Dr.
Thank you.
You really made her look beautiful, Diane.
Physician, heal thyself.
HOST: You've made many excellent points, Dr.
How do you respond to them, Dr.
Crane? Dr.
Crane? Oh, excu What was the question? Oh, uh, yes, of course.
Excuse me, uh Yes, my method of flooding, uh, seeks out the patient's, well, most sensitive and vulnerable spot in the defense system, and, uh penetrates probing deeper and deeper into the patient's psyche, thrusting over and over.
And thereby uncovering the reality behind the irrational fear.
Thank you, Dr.
Anything to add, Dr.
Sternin? Yes.
Uh (clears throat): Although Dr.
Crane's method is faster a slow and methodical approach can be much more rewarding.
Gentle stroking of the psyche will bring about a far more intense release of emotion building until the patient quite often will literally cry out in a release of satisfaction and joy.
(gasping): Point well taken.
This intellectual stuff's getting me all hot.
This is embarrassing.
We shouldn't be watching this.
Well, maybe just a little while Yeah.
and that concludes this afternoon's program.
Aw! Oh, no, no, hey.
Boo! Come on! HOST: Dr.
Sternin, Dr.
Crane, thank you for joining us.
Oh, excuse me.
For a written transcript of this afternoon's show, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Psychology This Week, Box 84037, Boston, Massachusetts, What was that box number again? Uh, 02205.
Hey, fellas, how was the fishing trip? Geez.
It would have been a little better without Cliff's jabbering.
Guy catches one fish, turns into Ernest Hemingway.
Oh, congratulations, Cliff.
Thank you, Sammy.
Yeah, it was man against fish.
The rest of the world was shut out.
It was a good fish, a clean fish, a strong fish.
A little fish.
Get that stinking, slimy thing out of here.
And take your fish with you.
Oh, Frasier, I didn't expect to see you here.
Thought you'd be exchanging psychological positions with Dr.
Please, Sam.
I made a complete fool of myself today and Dr.
If they'd had a hose at the studio, they would have turned it on us.
Actually, that sounds kind of fun.
I'll never be able to look her in the eye again.
The only consolation is that nobody ever watches that show.
Way to go, sex machine! I'm ruined.
Half of New England saw me today as a rutting pig.
Come on, Frasier.
You're not in rut, you're in love.
Oh, nonsense! I don't think that because two people breathe heavily on a TV show is any cause for them to declare their undying love.
Breathe heavily? I thought you were gonna suck in a chair there.
Listen, a TV station may not have been the best place in the world to sprout antlers, but it happened.
Go with it.
Sternin, you're back.
Diane, I'd like to thank you for your Pygmalion-like efforts.
I'd like to, but I can't, because they led to disaster.
Good evening, Dr.
It's, uh, nice to see you again.
And you.
I apologize for my overzealous behavior this afternoon.
And for making fools of us both.
Yes, well, I would also like to apologize for my completely unprofessional attitude, and I promise you that that sort of thing will never happen again.
I've already penned a letter to the American Psychiatric Association apologizing for my behavior.
I would suggest that you do likewise.
Of course, of course.
And I think perhaps for the sake of our professional reputations, it's best we put this matter behind us and go on with our lives.
That is probably wise.
You see, I've already lost three patients as a result of today's fiasco.
That's odd.
I picked up three.
While we're on the subject, Dr.
Crane, I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration.
You strike me as a man who needs professional help.
Or perhaps a girlfriend.
And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.
Good day, Dr.
Good day, Dr.
Uh, just a moment, Dr.
Um Sam, isn't the refrigerator door stuck again? I don't think so.
Oh, I think it is.
And we need a hairpin to open it up.
Sternin, could we borrow a hairpin? I don't see how a hairpin will help.
Strangely enough, it does.
FRASIER: Oh, well, don't you see? What these two people who are such geniuses at romance are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog.
So, why don't you just oblige them, get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives? (sighs) You mean like this? Precisely.
You know what? What? I'm going to kiss you.
I'm going to kiss you hard, and I'm going to kiss you long.
But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you.
In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never (sighs) Yes, like that.
Now listen, Lilith, I think you and I have just been too articulate for words.
We talk and we talk, and what we really want to do is show how we feel.
I think, Dr.
Crane Look, I don't care what you think! We both want to be animals.
Now I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.
Well, I-I suggest you come with me.
I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr.
Crane, and I just want you to know it worked.
Let's go.
Isn't it exciting to see the blush of new-found love on their faces? Do you realize we've just seen the birth of a new ro Don't you have someplace to go? Oh, yes.
The concert.
By myself.
I'll go.
And sure, I'll be alone, but I don't care.
Because I'm in love.
And no one who's truly in love can ever be alone.
And I know my fellow loves me.
He just doesn't know it yet.
So I'll go to this concert, listen to the music, and dream again of the day when he'll be sitting beside me, holding my hand, sharing the moment.
That's my dream, and mine alone.
And no one can Get her out of here! I'll go.
Only if you really want to.
But this is not a date.
The fact that we sit together has nothing to do with anything.
We're gonna take separate cabs.
I will not talk to you during the intermission.
I'm not gonna take you anywhere afterwards, and we will not mention this ever again, okay? Fine.
Is that love, or what?