Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Knights of the Scimitar

CARLA: Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Afternoon, Woody! Oh, hiya, Mr.
Twitchell.
If it isn't Walter Q.
Twitchell, the man who put the "nie" in weenie.
You South Central Branch types are all alike-- wisenheimers.
Good Lord, Miss Agnes! You're wearing your postal keychain and you're not on active duty? Well That's a direct violation of postal regulations.
I'm filing a report on you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I'd love to see the supervisor's face when he calls me out on the mat and I whip out this little baby.
Heh? Care to take a peep at the old French peeper here, Twitch? I warn ya, it's, uh, pretty hot stuff.
You're a sick man, Clavin.
(all laughing) What are you? Oh, nice shiner there, Twitch.
Yeah, they could never pass up a chance to sneak a peek at Natalie in her nightie.
TWITCHELL: Nightie?! Wasn't wearing anything I could see.
Huh? TWITCHELL: Revenge is sweet.
Here's your mail.
Have a nice (piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name ♪ And they're always glad you came ♪ ♪ You want to be where you can see ♪ Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
(sighs) (sighs) Are you developing a slow leak, Diane? No.
I have a problem.
I just don't know who to talk to.
Oh.
Well, how about me? I don't think that would be appropriate in this case.
You see, it's a romantic problem.
Oh.
Considering our past, I don't think you could possibly maintain your objectivity.
Oh, come on.
Give it a shot.
Very well.
As you know, last week, I was substituting as a teaching assistant at the college and it seems that one of the students has fallen in love with me.
Marry him.
See! Sam, in this case, the smitten youth is particularly good-looking.
Ah.
No, make that exceptionally good-looking.
All right.
No, make it Greek-god-like.
The problem is that he's very persistent and with his beauty and youthful ardor, I find myself inexplicably drawn to him.
He's asked me out several times.
Now, I don't want to encourage him, but on the other hand, I'm tempted.
What do you think I should do, Sam? I'm sorry.
I got sidetracked there.
I was looking at my foot.
Sam, please.
As you know, I'm one who prides herself on her attraction to the inner man, but every once in awhile, someone comes along that makes you go, "zowie.
" Oh, stop it, will ya? You're just trying to make me jealous.
Your being jealous was the farthest thing from my mind although, now that you bring it up, any sane man would be jealous of Lance Apollonaire.
Oh, come on.
If you're gonna make a guy up, at least give him a name that doesn't sound like a bad aftershave.
I knew it was a mistake to talk to you.
I'll just have to deal with this on my own.
Rest assured, though, that the last thing I need is to become that young man's "Mrs.
Robinson.
" Wouldn't that be Mrs.
Apollonaire? No, Woody.
Mrs.
Robinson was a Yes, it would.
Well, top of the day, everybody, and what a fine day it is, too, huh? Why the good spirits, Mr.
Clavin? Well, uh, you guys ever hear of the Knights of the Scimitar? Yeah, it's one of those lodges, right? The lodge, Sammy.
You know, it's always, uh, been a dream of mine to become a member.
Well, yesterday, I made it.
You guys are looking at a Knight.
Hey, that's great, man.
Thanks Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You know, uh, Dad himself was a Knight.
When I was a kid, I used to sneak up into his room when he was out at work and, uh, try on his turban and sword.
And unless I miss my guess, you completed the outfit with your mother's bra and high heels.
Carla, this is serious.
It's no easy task getting into the Knights.
Oh, sure, as the son of an alumnus, I was, uh, guaranteed full membership, but, uh, well, hey, my oath does not permit me to say any more.
Thank God.
Yeah.
But the best part is Your oath, Clavin, your oath.
No, no, this stuff's permissible, Carla.
Oh, shut up, anyway.
Well, oh, well, so don't listen! Hey, look, uh, listen, you guys.
The best part is that, uh, you know, now that I'm a member, I can get all you guys in.
Huh? You know, of course it's gonna have to be one at a time.
Now, uh, I figured out a fair way to do the choosing, okay? Now I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Whoever has the closest wins.
Uh, Norm, you first.
Two million and 12.
Two million 13.
Two million 14.
Well, the number was four.
Norm's closest with two million 12.
Darn! I was gonna say four.
I shoulda stuck with my first instinct.
Cliffy, uh, thanks a lot, but I-I'm just not interested.
You know, I guess I'm an example of the old adage, "I'd never join a club that would have someone like you as a member," you know? That's great.
Hey, Normie, Normie, you know, the Knights, they got a lot of, uh, you know, bankers, lawyers, and assorted captains of industry down there.
Yeah, so? Well, so, they're gonna need accountants, and, uh, God knows you could use a few clients.
Yeah, I've heard those places are great for making contacts.
Yeah.
My business has been down just a bit this past year.
There you go.
Woody, give me the horn, will ya? Oh, boy.
Hey, you're gonna love it down at the lodge, you know.
After a hard day's work, it's a great place to unwind.
Yeah, wearing those turbans, you probably need a place to unwind.
You know, unwind.
(laughs) Turbans? How they're all wound up around your head and you gotta unwind 'em? Hey, uh good one, Woody.
I was voted class clown.
You should be proud.
Yeah, I was only running for class president.
Oh, Diane, will you do me a favor and run up and get some change from Melville's, please? Oh.
What, what are you doing? Lance is definitely taller than you are.
For a while there, I thought you were taller, but I see why I was mistaken.
Your shoulders are less broad, thus giving you the illusion of greater height.
I promised not to bring up this Adonis-like creature, didn't I? Sorry.
No, no, hey, don't be sorry about a little fantasy.
I mean, I'm not sorry about the fantasy I had a couple of hours ago.
By the way, how many nurses do you think can fit in a standard-size hot tub? Sam, I assure you, Lance is not a fantasy, and the feelings he inspires are very real, too.
Change.
Not for you or any man.
No, no, Diane.
Change: Nickels, dimes, quarters.
Can I ask you a question here, Carla? Mm-hmm.
Who's the handsomest man you know? Robert Redford.
No, no, he's a movie star.
I mean someone you really know.
Robert Redford.
You don't know Robert Redford.
Yes, I do.
How come you never mentioned it? If you were the only woman in Boston he was messing around with, would you tell anybody? Okay, all right, besides Robert Redford.
I mean, some somebody you see in the city here.
Who's the handsomest guy you see in the city? Um, Dwight Evans.
No, not-not an athlete.
Somebody that you see every day.
My butcher.
In this bar, Carla.
Well, uh Standing next to you, getting very angry.
Well, that would be you, Sam.
Well, why do you put me through this stuff? Put you through what? Oh, hey, uh, Woody.
Come here for a second, will ya? Uh, let me ask you a question.
Who, uh, who's the handsomest guy you know? Oh, that's easy-- Carla's butcher.
Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm! What's the latest, Mr.
Peterson? Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire.
Peterson drinks a beer.
Film at 11:00.
Hey, uh, Normie, you're supposed to be at your interview down at the lodge.
Oh, yeah, I've already been, Cliff.
Already That took what, 15 minutes? Yeah, something like that.
CLIFF: Oh, uh, so, did you get to meet the, uh, High Sultan? Good guy he was.
Yeah.
Oh, well, so tell me, what'd you say to him? Uh, something like, uh, "Hi, High.
" CLIFF: That's great, Norm.
I told you to be friendly, not flippant.
You know, frankly, this just doesn't bode at all well for you.
(telephone rings) Cheers.
It's for you.
Hmm.
It's probably those guys.
They said they were gonna call.
Yeah, like they called Joan of Arc before they turned her into French toast.
Now look, look.
Just treat this guy with respect, all right? Hello.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, High.
Yeah.
Great.
Oh, no, no, no.
No apology necessary.
That's okay.
Sure.
All right, bye.
Here.
You blew it.
You got nobody to blame but yourself, Norm.
No, Cliffie, he just, uh, apologized for making me wait so long.
I'm, uh, I'm a Knight.
Oh! Great! Congratulations.
How's that for the old Clavin clout, eh? Evening, Sam.
Hey, Frasier.
What's with your voice? Oh, I spent the afternoon screaming at a patient.
Oh.
What, what kind of therapy is that? No, it's not therapy.
He burned a hole in my carpet.
Anyway how you doing, Sam, old man? You know, Frasier, I, uh, I don't like that phrase "old man" anymore.
Uh, I-I prefer "buddy.
" Oh, well, how you doing, Sam, old buddy? Look, is, uh, something bothering you? Well, yeah.
Diane's made up some guy who's supposed to be great-looking, just to get me riled.
Only I could care less about the whole thing.
Well, good for you, Sam.
You know, the old Sam would've rambled on and on about how jealous he isn't, proving only that he really is.
Right.
I mean, I could give a rat's rear what Diane does or who she does it with.
And I certainly am not jealous about some college punk kid.
And even if I were, which I'm not Call me at the office.
Hey, Sammy, you want to see a sap? Sure, why not? That's me, Carla.
Uh-huh.
But a great-looking sap, right? Not bad.
Why? Not bad? He's a killer.
And I can't believe, with a mug like that, you're letting Diane do a number on you.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on, she's just trying to make you jealous, and you're sucking it up like a Hoover deluxe.
No, I'm not.
I mean, first of all, I don't believe this Lance guy exists.
But if he does exist, I don't believe he's crazy about her.
And even if he exists and he's crazy about her, he's got to have a face like a fish.
Uh, excuse me.
Is Diane Chambers here? Uh, she'll be right back, Mister? Apollonaire.
Check out what Diane thinks is great-looking, will you? (laughs) Carla? (thud) Is she gonna be all right? Yeah, of course she's gonna be all right.
Are you all right? You okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm fine.
I just had this dream that I saw the handsomest man.
(gasps) (thud) Would you stop that, please? Oh, nice going, Sam.
I was hoping he'd give me mouth-to-mouth.
You still can, you know.
Diane's upstairs.
She'll be right down.
Can I get you something? Yeah.
How about a beer? Oh, dear, now, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you for an I.
D.
(laughs) Yeah, sure.
(chuckling) Is something funny? Yeah, yeah, it says here you're six two and a half.
So? Ha! I'm six three.
Oh, Diane, your little friend's here to see you.
Lance, what are you doing here? Well, I brought these for you.
Six two and a half.
(chuckles) Oh, thank you.
They're beautiful.
They must have cost you a fortune.
Oh, no, I I picked them all myself.
And arranged them, too.
I was hoping they might change your mind about going with me to Vermont.
Lance, I've already told you, I don't think it would be a good idea for you and me to go away together.
Will you at least think about it? Okay I'll I'll think about it.
Fair enough.
Talk to you on Friday.
Uh-huh.
Oh, dear.
Things are beginning to get complicated.
Lance is becoming more insistent that I go away with him this weekend.
So, Sam, should I go or not with this figment of my imagination? Well, if you do, just make sure he doesn't eat first.
Children tend to get car sick.
I know I shouldn't even be considering it, but when I look at him, I consider it.
Excuse me, but what happened to the woman who said it's the inner man who counts? That woman just pictured Lance gathering flowers in his bikini briefs.
So did this one.
MAN: Thank you, Brother Tanner, for reading the minutes of last week's meeting.
Now, Brother Foley, what is the next order of business? According to the agenda, High Sultan, we're to welcome our newest member into the Knights of the Scimitar.
Ah, yes.
Stand up, Norm Peterson, and be welcomed.
Norm, uh, Norm, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, huh? Well, there's really nothing to say, guys.
Now don't be modest.
No, I mean it.
There's really nothing to say.
Uh Let's see, I was born in Chicago, uh I moved to Boston and became an accountant.
Are you married? Yeah.
To? Long.
By the way, uh, in case you guys need a good accountant, you know, I did happen to bring some of my business cards along, so, uh Oh, sorry, Norm, I-I guess you didn't get the word.
It-it's against the rules to do business with fellow lodge members.
You know, Cliff said My fault for listening.
HIGH SULTAN: Well, Norm, the time has now arrived for you to undergo the initiation ritual.
Stand, please.
Approach me.
Are you prepared? Yeah.
(gong sounds) Congratulations.
Just, uh, just like that, huh? Yeah, that's it.
Uh, grab a hat and sword out of the bin, hmm? Great.
Yeah, my God, the pageantry, huh? Okay, our, uh, next order of business is our third annual Hey, uh, Normie, look, I'm sorry about that business rule.
I, uh, I didn't know, I guess.
Great time to find out, Cliff.
Oh, hey, if it's any consolation, these guys give great parties.
Hoo-hoo-hoo, hey.
Oh, I'll tell you, I thought this was going to be really stupid, but these are a good bunch of guys, I tell you.
Yep.
Well, have I ever steered you wrong, Norm? Oh, yeah; that's why I thought it was going to be stupid.
But, uh, you know, it's too bad about the business stuff, but I-I feel pretty comfortable with these guys.
Yeah.
Really, thank you for sponsoring me, buddy.
Mm-hmm.
I can't wait for some of these parties.
Bang, zoom, eh? HIGH SULTAN: Oh, uh, before I forget, the, uh, referendum that we ban beer at all lodge functions has been passed.
Good-bye! So, what time's Peewee coming in? If you're referring to Lance, I'm expecting him shortl soon.
And I don't appreciate these constant attempts to denigrate him.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you see in him? (laughs) You mean besides a young, brainy, stunningly gorgeous man with many interests similar to mine who's fawning over me and giving me all the attention I could ever ask for? Yeah.
I see what I used to see in you before you decided to spend the last few months flogging me with your apathy.
Well, I'm sorry, Diane, but that's all I had handy.
Hi, Diane.
Have you made a decision? Have I, Sam? Send me a postcard.
I don't think I can go, because it would upset someone too much.
Diane, go with someone's blessings.
Excuse me.
May I speak with you for a moment? Hop up on a stool there, Lance.
Carla, why don't you pour him a beer? I know you're still smarting from my turning down your proposal of marriage, but how long can you drag this out? You're hurting me, but you're also hurting yourself with this feigned indifference.
Well, while we're talking about hurting people, how do you think Lance is going to feel when he finds out that you're using him to get to me? I am not using him.
I like him.
He treats me wonderfully.
And I don't, so go with him.
(scoffs) Mr.
Malone, I'm about to call your bluff.
I'm going to go with him, and I'm going to have a great time, and it will leave you a hollow, broken man.
All right.
All right.
Just watch while I give you a little preview of our weekend together.
I'm going to kiss him in front of you and the whole bar, and it's going to kill you.
Lance this is for the flowers.
Now, Mr.
Indifference, are you going to tell me that doesn't bother you? Well, I have to admit for a while there, my life passed before my eyes but the funny thing is you weren't in it.
Right.
Lance, let's go.
Diane? Yes, Sam? It would've bothered me if he had done this.
Yes, I can see where that might have given you cause for concern.
(clears throat) Uh, so, Diane, are you about ready to go? Uh Lance.
Thank you.
Um Lance, I-I-I just remembered I have to work this weekend.
That's okay.
I understand.
Bye.
DIANE: Good-bye, Lance.
Well, kid, you blew it.
You know what would've really have bothered Sam would be if you had kissed her like this.
Carla, you're not involved in this.
I am now.