Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Chambers vs Malone

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, fellas, do me a favor.
You guys have had a few drinks.
Sit down.
Let me buy you some coffee.
Aw, th-thanks anyway, Sam, but everything's under control.
Pete hasn't had a thing to drink all night.
He's our designated driver.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
That's a good idea, Pete.
I'm not the designated driver.
I thought you were.
No, no, I-I'm not the designated driver.
What about you, Mark? I'm with Sam.
I think we ought to try it sometime.
Wait right here.
I'm gonna call you a cab.
Speaking of driving someone home, since you've been drinking, I'd be happy to give you a lift.
Oh, thanks, but, uh, all I've been drinking is soda water.
Well, in that case, Woody, make me a double martini.
One of us is getting driven home tonight.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! How are you today, Mr.
Peterson? Never been better, Woody.
You know, just once I'd like to be better.
What's the matter there, Normie? You look a little, uh, down in the mouth, huh? I don't know, Cliff.
There's something missing from my life, I think.
I mean, sure, I got, you know, the nice wife, uh, career, a house, but I guess I'm talking about that spiritual something that can kind of give it all meaning, you know? Enable me to be at peace with myself and the world.
Uh, The Miss Teeny Bikini Beauty Pageant's on tonight.
Well, that ought to do it.
Da dum la de da dum La de da dum Oh, isn't it a glorious day? Well, it sure is, Miss Chambers.
Especially if you like it cloudy and damp.
Woody, I'm not talking about superficial things, like the weather.
I'm talking about the day.
Today is going to be the most special day of my life.
Do you believe in intuition? No.
But I have this strange feeling that someday I will.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Sammy! What's the matter? You got a weird look on your face.
I don't know if I should tell you.
Well, let me help you out.
Well, Sam, this morning I woke up with the most overwhelming feeling that you would propose to me today.
Talk about fate.
Talk about coincidence.
You have the same feeling? No, I just wish you'd talk about fate or coincidence.
Anything but marriage.
Look, I am not gonna propose to you, Diane.
I know this sounds crazy.
It's not like me to be given to mystical nonsense, but the feeling is so strong.
It's an absolute certainty.
Well, if it's fate, it's fate.
Diane, will you do me the honor of becoming my w-w-waitress? (laughs) Pretty good, huh? Sam, will you give me a Cutty rocks? Did you hear that? Diane said she woke up with this feeling that I'm gonna propose to her.
The stupidest thing I've ever heard.
(loud clank) Don't ever make fun of a woman when she says she has a feeling about something.
Sammy, you're tampering with the psychic world here, and you're gonna be sorry.
Oh, come on.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
It has to do with a woman's cycle.
See, somehow it's plugged into the supernatural.
Oh, you're being ridiculous.
No, no, Sammy, please.
Come here.
What? Just promise me you'll be careful.
Okay, I'll be careful.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh, my God! What? Ooh! What? Something's happened to me here.
What? Carla, get Diane over here.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me buddy Norm! (laughs) Oh! That's twice, man.
Hey, there, Sammy! Today's my big day! All right, Tom.
Will you marry me? (laughs) The results of the last bar exam are due out, and I'm feeling lucky.
Hey, you know what they say, eleventh time's the charm.
Okay, okay, okay, I had a few problems in the past.
But this time, I really nailed it.
Tell me, Tom, is the a free Big Gulp with every, uh, law degree? Hey, Tom, how come you're not downtown waiting for the old results, huh? I got a friend calling me here when they're posted.
But I got a hunch I did pretty well this time.
Yeah, like General Custer had a hunch that the Little Big Horn was a gift shop and picnic grounds, huh? Hey, hey, lay off.
The guy's worked hard.
Woody, how about a beer for our future barrister here? Okay? Thank you, Norm.
All right.
So what, uh, what kind of law are you gonna specialize in there, Tom? Specialize? So a free Big Gulp, you say, huh? Sam, it doesn't have to be a formal proposal.
Excuse me? Well, we've already gone the traditional route, and I know how you loathe long sentences.
I know you think I'm gonna propose to you.
But, trust me, it's not gonna happen.
Before I ask you to marry me, Diane, there'll be snowflakes in hell, pigs will fly, Norm will hate beer Hey, everybody, I'm an attorney! Nah.
(laughs) TV ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Barbara G.
Bridleton, Miss Teeny Bikini, South Dakota.
Well, that's it.
I think Miss Arkansas has got it hands down.
(mutters) In your hat, Miss Arkansas.
Miss Nebraska's the class of this field.
Oh, yeah, Miss Nebraska.
I was particularly impressed by her life's ambition to work for world peace and open an aerobics dance studio.
Now, wait a minute.
Look at this one here.
Ooh, yeah.
Not that often you see an impression of Edward G.
Robinson while twirling a baton.
CLIFF: Hey, Woody, Miss Indiana.
Yeah, but Boston's my home now.
Dum dum da da da da da De da da da de.
Anytime you're ready, Sam.
Gee, I'd love to propose to you, Diane, but I'm tied up kind of for the rest of my life.
Deep down inside, you know this is going to happen.
You're going to propose to me.
You say that every day.
But I don't say this every day.
It's today.
That is one scary woman.
Sammy, come on.
It's late.
It's time to go home.
It's my turn to lock up.
Besides, you look tired.
You need your rest.
And you might do something stupid that you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Go on.
Would you relax, please? Do I look like a guy who's about to do something stupid? Always.
That's not the point, Sam.
Leave me alone, will ya? Guys, I'm gonna I'm gonna lock up now.
Yeah, all right, Sammy.
We can watch the rest of this meat show over at Normie's house.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Vera won't let me watch those, uh, beauty contests, Cliffie.
Yeah? How come? Well, sheshe's says they're degrading to women and they make me randy as a jackrabbit.
Woody, you go on home.
I'll finish up here.
I want to be alone with Sam.
Run, Sam, run! Diane, don't you think You know, on second thought, guys, why don't you take off? I'd like to have a little private moment here with Diane.
That's it! It is all over! Now I don't have the strength to fight anymore.
All chance of victory is gone.
The only thing for me now is to go home, pick up the pieces of my shattered life, and try to go on.
Good night, Miss Chambers.
And, uh, good luck.
Oh, thanks, Woody.
But since Sam and I are destined to be married, luck is the one thing we don't need.
Well, how about a salad bowl? Yes, that would be nice.
You saved me some shopping.
(chuckles) Good night, Woody.
Good night, Sammy.
Good night, Woody.
Well, Sam, you clever boy.
Since you've arranged for us to be alone, I'm all ears.
But you better hurry.
Almost midnight.
I wanted to talk to you alone 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you in in front of the other people.
Sit down, will you, please? Look, Diane I want you to stop this nonsense about me proposing to you.
About us being married.
About us getting about us period.
I've had it.
That's it.
I don't want to hear any more.
Yes, Sam, fine, fine, but you really should get at it, okay? Would you stop it, please? Man, you're making me nuts! This is exactly what I'm talking about! You know, all right, it was fun for a while, like a little game, but it's not cute anymore.
It's serious, Diane.
You know, I-I was really ticked off at first when you turned me down.
But now I see how smart you were.
I am never gonna ask you to marry me again.
Can I be any more clear than this? I'm never gonna ask you to marry me again.
Oh, no, oh, no, no, come on, Oh, no, no! No, no, no, no, stop that! Listen, you know how much I hate it when you cry.
But I know you know, so it's not gonna work.
Forget it.
This really hadn't occurred to me but I guess it's actually a possibility.
I'm not listening.
(humming) Maybe you don't love me.
(sobbing): God in heaven, it's not possible! (laughs) (continues sobbing) Nothing! That's it! It's not affecting me at all.
I'm immune to this stuff.
Yeah, you're not gonna soften me up.
No way.
That's it.
(sobbing) You know, it's not gonna make me feel sorry for you.
In fact, I'll tell you what it's gonna make me do.
You want to know what it's gonna make me do? I'm gonna tell you what it's gonna make me do.
It's gonna make me propose to you, is what it's gonna do.
Oh, come on, don'tdon't cry.
Oh, Diane, will you marry me? No, Sam.
(steel bars slamming) PRIEST: The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
In verdant pastures, He gives me repose.
Beside restful waters, He leads me.
He refreshes my soul Oh, Warden, have you heard from the governor yet? I'm sorry, Sam.
Oh, well.
He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of ri Father, do you really believe in the afterlife? Yes, my son, I do.
Well, good.
Maybe I can find her there, and get her again! (creaking) (groans) Mmm-mmm! Ooh! What's wrong? Mmm.
Oh I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.
Well, that's silly.
Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty.
What? Uh Nothing.
Nothing at all.
No death penalty, huh? No, not at present, but I'm-I'm sure they're going to reinstate it.
In fact, I'm on my way to campaign for it at this very moment.
Excuse me.
(squeals) Hey, everybody, you're not going to believe this.
Well, you passed the bar.
I'll believe anything.
Yeah? Well, Sam's in jail, smarty pants.
What? Yeah.
Diane had him arrested for assault and battery.
My hero.
Is Diane all right? I think she's fine.
I just don't have all the details.
Well, how do you know all this stuff? Sam called me to retain my services.
Oh, to do what, prune his trees? Has he been arraigned yet? No, 2:00.
CARLA: Well, maybe we ought to go down to the courthouse in case Sammy needs character witnesses.
No, they don't do that until the trial, Carla.
Well, what sort of defense you plan on using? I'm thinking about pleading insanity.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
What about Sammy? Bail is set at $2,500.
Next case.
Your Honor, I swear I never touched her.
Take a seat.
Case number one five seven eight six-- the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Sam Malone.
Defendant is charged with willful assault (clattering thud) Oh, what is this? I swear I never laid a hand on her, Your Honor.
Malone I'm sorry, Your Honor.
Just take a seat, Miss Chambers.
Thank you.
JUDGE: The defendant is charged with willful assault and battery against the person of one Diane Chambers.
How does the defendant plead? Not guilty.
Motions, gentlemen.
Your Honor, due to the violent circumstances of this crime, and in order to protect the victim from a reoccurrence of the events of evening last, the State recommends that bail be set at an amount commensurate with the serious nature of this offense.
Motion denied.
Hey! I'm the one that's supposed to say that.
Right, right.
Sorry, Your Honor, uh, it's my first case.
You're kidding! Your Honor, my client, uh, has no prior convictions or arrests.
A well-known businessman and respected member of this community.
I therefore move that bail be waived and he be released on his own recognizance.
I don't think Mr.
Malone poses any general threat to the community; so moved.
All right! Sorry, Your Honor.
Trial is set for two months from this date at 10:00 a.
All right, everybody, it's been a long day.
This court will reconvene tomorrow morning.
Your Honor? Yes, Miss, uh Chambers? Would it be all right if I said something at this time? I don't think that's really necessary.
I think it might help to expedite matters.
Well, if you must, but please be brief.
Oh, geez! Your Honor, I just want you to know Should I come up there? Why not? Your Honor, I, I just want you to know that I understand why the accused-- and, by the way, the man I intend to marry-- was, uh, was upset last night.
After all, I did just turn down his proposal of marriage.
I see.
But if you intend to marry him, why did you say no to his proposal? It's a long story.
Make it a short one, and maybe we can save the good people of Massachusetts the cost of a trial.
Well, let's see.
Um, the accused and I have been going together on and off for about four years.
I guess you could describe our relationship as a bit stormy, but that's also part of its excitement.
Earlier this year, the accused proposed to me.
I said no because I thought he was on the rebound from another relationship.
I was wrong, so I changed my mind.
But he wouldn't propose to me again, the little dickens.
Until last night, that is, but this time I fear he was only asking me to marry him because I was crying and upset albeit unintentional.
It was emotional blackmail on my part.
I couldn't say yes under those circumstances.
You do understand, don't you, Your Honor? I'm sorry, I was just trying to imagine the long version of the story.
Although gallant, his proposal couldn't have been sincere.
The accused was merely respons Hey, will you say my na Sam, my name is Sam.
Make her say my name, will you please? Calm down, Mr.
Go on, Miss Chambers.
Well, the next thing I know, the acc Sam is chasing me down the street-- for six blocks, to be exact-- until I tripped and fell thus sustaining my injuries, a bruised thigh and a wrenched neck.
Did he hit you or push you in any way? Well, no.
Not exactly.
JUDGE: Look, Miss Chambers, it doesn't appear that Mr.
Malone is directly responsible for your injuries.
Now, is there any way I could persuade you to drop the charges against him? I have a solution, if it pleases the court.
If you can get us out of this, it absolutely thrills the court.
What if my client proposes to her again? Yes, I could alwa Are you crazy?! (bangs gavel) I like the idea.
Does the State have any objections to his proposing? None, Your Honor.
How about it, Miss Chambers? This all right with you? I suppose it would be all right if it were a sincere proposal.
Well, I guess it's your move, Mr.
You mean, I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail where I wouldn't be going in the first place if she'd said yes to any one of my three proposals? That's a very ironic way of putting it.
Now, which is it going to be, a wedding or a trial? How long would I have to be in jail? Diane, will you marry me? That didn't sound very sincere.
I ask the court, did that sound sincere? No, it didn't.
Try again.
Y-You, you have no idea what you're sentencing me to.
Malone, come up here and let's get this over with.
Diane will you marry me? Okay.
JUDGE: Case dismissed.
(pounds gavel) Congratulations.
BAILIFF: All rise.
What do you know? I got you off! Thank you, Tom.
Yeah, Yeah, all in a day's work, Sammy, my boy.
You're looking at Thomas Babson, Esquire undefeated.
Oh, Tom? Uh, if you got any time next week, my trees need pruning.
How about Saturday? Be fine; thanks.
Well, guess I don't need this for a while.
Sam I'm sorry.
I guess I got a little carried away.
(sighing) I wanted to expose our relationship to the scrutiny of the court.
God knows I've tried to figure it out.
I'm at a complete loss.
Oh, it makes perfect sense to me.
You want me to propose to you.
I propose to you.
You say no, I say fine, I never want to see you again.
You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again.
I do, you turn me down.
Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail.
It's the classic American love story.
That's pretty absurd.
Well, don't worry.
I'm not going to hold you to that proposal.
I know it was made under duress.
(sighing) Bye, Sam.
Where are you going? You know, you're not going to get off that easy.
No, you're going to pay for what you put me through.
What do you mean? I proposed to you, you said yes.
Now, they can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.
Oh, Sam!