Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Diamond Sam

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Here's something about a show of impressionists coming to Boston this fall.
Well, why wait? I do one that'll knock your socks off.
He's talkin' about French painters, doofus.
Yeah? Well, so am I.
Yeah, I do a great Cezanne.
Get outta here.
No, I do.
Watch this.
(French accent): Hosey, posey, life is perfect.
(as John Wayne): Hey, ya better smile when ya say that, Pilgrim.
(as James Stewart): Now, now, now, now, just a-just a darned second there, young fella.
(all chuckling) Okay, okay, I got one.
Watch this.
(with country accent): Hey, fellers.
I believe we might be in for just a little rain before this day's over.
Woody, who is that? It's Dwight Womack, mayor of Hanover, Indiana.
No, Woody, Woody, when you do impressions, you gotta do impressions of famous people.
Well, if I could do somebody famous, why would I be doin' Dwight Womack? Yeah, good point.
Yeah, he's got a point.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same ♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name.
♪ Hey, everybody.
(all calling out greetings) Sam? This is our first time back in Cheers since, you know, yesterday.
Don't you think we should announce our engagement? Oh.
All right.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Oh, no, no, you do it.
You're the man.
All right, listen up, everybody.
I have an announcement to make here.
Uh, Diane and I decided to Oh, Sam, (clears throat) what are you going to say? Well, I was just going to tell them (speaks softly) I see.
SAM: Well, what do you want me to say? (Diane whispering) Oh, come on, Diane, nobody knows who the Lunts are.
Due to our desire to be-- what? Conjoined.
Conjoined, uh hey, well, Diane and I, uh, would like you to, uh, celebrate with us by, uh, toasting our nuptials.
No, no, Woody, it's, uh What Sam so eloquently expressed was that he and I have officially become engaged to be married.
(cheering and applause) How about that Al, huh? CLIFF: Oh, marriage, Sam.
I thought you'd said you'd never marry Diane.
Well, I-I never, uh, said that exactly.
No, no, I think the exact words were "I'd rather have every hair on my body pulled out simultaneously.
" Well, that-that's just an expression.
I mean No, seriously, you know, we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later.
I just thought I'd get it over with.
Well, Diane, Sam, congratulations to both of you.
Diane, I hope you're planning to stay for the entire ceremony this time.
Ours was (laughs) Ours was very touching, I thought.
Well, another one bites the matrimonial dust.
I guess that leaves only one stud to satisfy all the babes in this bar.
Yeah, I can handle it, too.
I bet you never thought you'd see the day, huh? Nice shirt, Sam.
Is it new? No, it's not.
It, uh Did you hear what I said up there about me and Diane getting engaged? The beer distributor called.
He wants to know if he can change the delivery day to Wednesday.
Carla, I know that we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but you could at least wish us well.
I need a draft.
She's experiencing denial.
What's that mean, Dr.
Crane? Well, simply put, it means that the human mind blocks out that which it cannot emotionally accept.
What's that mean, Dr.
Crane? It means that you don't understand this, and you never will.
I think perhaps I should get personally involved in this.
After all, Carla is a good friend.
I think I could help her alleviate her suffering.
Besides, there's nothing good on TV.
So I don't see any ring here.
What gives, you guys, huh? Well, we're doing a little window shopping.
Yeah? But she's got her eye on a big ol' diamond in the window of, uh, Barton and Lyles.
Yeah? Oh, no, no, Sam.
Now that's much too expensive.
I would be content with any one of the smaller stones we saw today.
Oh, now wait a second.
Hey, Woody, give me the phone there, will ya? Listen, you might as well have the best ring.
You got the best husband.
Hmm? Is it any wonder I love you? I'm twice blessed.
I'm getting the most wonderful guy and one helluva rock.
Yeah, let me, uh, let me find out just how much this thing is here.
Yeah, find out there, Sammy.
Hi, uh, you got a ring in the window there by the door? It's a big diamond with two little diamonds on either side there.
Yeah, uh, that's the one.
Yeah, how-how much does that cost? (laughs) How much? Fifty-two hundred.
(all laughing) Boy, what am I going to do here? Bruce.
What? Friend of mine in the jewelry business.
He buys diamonds and gold wholesale and then you don't have to pay the markup, which is like a zillion percent.
Oh, you know, that-that's kinda silly.
No, no.
It's the same gold, same diamonds.
Well, if it's the same ring, it's the same ring.
Give me the phone.
All right.
Yeah, I'll call the guy.
Yeah, do it, do it.
Uh, Sam, I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Diane's not the kind of woman who'd like to find out that her ring was bought from a jeweler who begins every transaction with, "Psst, buddy.
" Oh, no, you make you're makin' it sound worse than it is.
I mean, I'm sure everything's legit.
All right, fine, Bruce.
Psst, Sammy, come here.
Huh? Not bad for 1,200 bucks, huh? WOODY: Wow, I'll say.
Hey, Carla, you, uh, see the ring that Sammy got for Diane here? You know, I'm thinking about having my house texture-coated.
You have your choice of 24 decorator colors.
Yeah, and surprisingly reasonable.
SAM: Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you guys, you want to see a classic? Here, watch.
Hi, Diane.
Hi, Sam.
Oh boy, hey, you know, that finger looks a little warm there.
Maybe you should cool it down with some ice.
(gasps): Sam.
What? What? What's the matter? What's wrong? Nothing.
It's beautiful.
Just think, hours ago, I was admiring this magnificent ring in the window, thinking it was an unattainable treasure.
And now, here it is on my finger.
Yep, there it is, all right.
That's the one.
How about that, huh? Oh, thank you, thank you.
Well, yeah (chuckling) Thank you.
You're welcome.
NORM: Hey, uh, Carla, do you realize that when Sammy and Diane get married, uh, Diane's going to be your boss? Nice shirt, Norm.
Is it new? Sam I felt that I couldn't possibly ask you for this, but now that you've actually gone out and purchased it, I can tell you.
This is the only ring I ever wanted.
Where's the box? Box? Yeah, you know, the one it came in.
Oh, yeah, uh this, this one didn't seem to come with one of those, did it? Really? Oh, I'm surprised they didn't give you one, especially considering how much this must have cost.
Oh, well, they did, they did.
It's just that I told them, uh, keep the box.
She'll just wear it.
That's what I said, all right.
(weak chuckle) Sam? Yeah.
This may sound frivolous, but every woman wants to keep the box that her engagement ring came in.
I already have a space reserved for it in my memento drawer, right between my French Club pin and my retainer.
All right, all right.
I mean, fine, honey, I'll just, uh, go on, go back, and, uh I'll get the box.
CLIFF: Uh, don't forget your receipt there, Sammy.
Ah, they'll probably remember your face.
You can relax, everybody.
Got the box.
NORM: All right, Sammy.
They just, uh, gave it to ya, huh? No, no, I had to buy something.
Oh, yeah? Wha, wha, what'd you get? Sterling silver corncob holders.
Do you believe that? Wow.
Why'd you buy those things? Well, everything else seemed like such a rip-off.
I'm still way ahead, though.
It's okay.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Think about it.
Oh, Sam, there you are.
Yeah, and here you are, my little darling.
One ring box, just your size.
How 'bout that, huh? You happy? Delirious.
Oh, good.
I just wish I'd gone with you when you went back to Barton and Lyles.
I want to buy myself that dress.
Oh, which dress is that? The one in the window.
Right next door in Justine's window.
Don't you remember? I was admiring it as we walked by.
Oh, sure, sure, sure, yeah.
Yeah oh, it's perfect.
I'd love it.
Well, you know, it's kinda slack now.
Why don't ya take off? Do a little shopping.
Really? Yeah, go ahead.
Oh, Sam.
I'll get my purse.
All right.
So, uh, Sammy when Diane sees the ring in the window of the fancy store and also on her finger, what do you think she'll say? Well, I'm off.
Uh, no, Diane, uh, wait a second here.
Uh, I can't I can't let you go through with this.
What? Well, uh, I, I bought that dress for ya.
Sam Malone Yeah.
I don't believe you.
No, it's a fact.
It's in my car right up there.
Oh, you scamp.
Oh, go get it, please.
Uh, you know, I I was kinda hopin' to surprise you with it.
Well, I already know about it now.
What am I standin' here for then, huh? (laughing) Oh Say, you know, that's, uh that was such an interesting dress.
How would you describe that color? Pink.
Pink! Right.
You always know the perfect word.
Who woulda thought? I wonder what's keeping Sam.
He's certainly been gone a long time.
Where is Sam? "Where is Sam?" (quietly): I think she's starting to relate to her environment again.
FRASIER: Well, I think we've made great progress.
Carla, can you tell me who Sam is? Of course.
He's my boss.
Did you know that he is now engaged to be married? Yes.
I'm very happy for him.
See how well we've done? Carla who is the charming soul that has agreed to marry him? Norm.
Well, I'm not the miracle worker.
Here we go.
The one you wanted and, uh, three more.
Oh, Sam! What? You impetuous fool.
Oh, I love them.
(chuckling): Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Wait a minute.
You were gone an awfully long time.
I thought you were just going to your car.
Well, I got a-a parking ticket, and I, uh, I wanted to fight it in court.
Do I, uh, detect a snafu there, Sammy? Every damn dress in the window was pink.
Oh, boy, that must have, uh, cost you a pretty penny.
That's all right.
I'll get some of it back.
She couldn't possibly like all four of them.
Oh, Sam, I love all of them.
I can't decide which one to wear tonight to dinner.
Oh, go oh, boy, uh, right.
What did we say, uh, 7:00? Oh, could we make it a little later? I have to stop by the store to get the ring appraised.
Pardon me? The insurance man said that there has to be an appraisal on file in order to have this covered in my theft policy.
Boy, they, uh they don't make it easy, do they? Uh, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you, uh, let me handle that? I'll have it appraised.
Uh, why yeah, why don't you give me the ring? Oh, no, Sam! Just as our love is forever, so is this ring.
From here on out, it will never leave my finger.
That's really beautiful.
Woody, you want to get me some aspirin there? Sam, I think this has gone too far.
You're caught in a quagmire of deceit.
You're just going to sink deeper and deeper, and to what avail? To my butt's avail.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just bite the bullet and be honest with her.
I mean, I really want this relationship to work.
We do, too, Sammy.
Uh, Diane? Yes.
I, uh, I have something I want to say to you.
Uh, I'm afraid you're not going to like it.
After receiving this beautiful symbol of our relationship-- a symbol that has touched me very deeply-- nothing you say could ever disappoint me.
What is it? I have to go to the doctor.
What for? No, it's nothing serious.
It's, uh I just figured that, you know, we-we're getting married.
Uh, I might as well have a check-up and make sure the old Evinrude's still cranking.
I don't see any cause for alarm in that.
In fact, I think it's quite sensible.
Good, good.
I love the dresses.
Oh, me, too.
Thanks so much.
So, uh, what now, Kemo Sammy? It's no problem.
It's no problem.
I'll just, uh I'll go back to the store and I'll I'll handle it.
Tell you, though no way in the world am I going to buy that expensive ring.
The ring is bought.
Oh, yeah.
CLIFF: Oh, you shelled out for the ring in the window, didn't you, Sammy? Yeah.
I got a real interesting price on it.
Full price? Right around there, yeah.
As soon as I switch this one for the ring on her finger, my problems are over.
Oh, Sam, what did the doctor say? Same thing he always does: "Wow!" But you're fine, yes? SAM: Oh, yeah, no problem there.
No, uh You know, actually, I-I was sitting in the, uh, waiting room there, and I, uh, realized that, uh, I had never officially put that ring on your finger, and I'd well, I'd kind of like to.
Sam, you're just sweeping me off my feet.
Um, okay, well, uh, close your eyes.
Why? Uh, well, there, uh there-there's something I want to say to you, and, uh, I might get embarrassed if-if you saw me say it.
All right.
I can't wait to hear this.
Right Diane you're really neat.
I think this big step we've taken has made you positively goofy.
Well, maybe it has.
That's me-- just one big goof.
(chuckles) Yeah, they, uh they haven't found a chick that can outsmart me.
All right, Sammy.
Did he say "chick" or "chimp"? (phone ringing) Cheers.
Uh, no, I'm sorry.
Norman is uncharacteristically absent.
May I take a message for him? Uh-huh.
Bruce wants to know about the ring? Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh Yes, I think it's safe to say that Sam's fiancée was completely fooled by it.
Boy, I'm starved.
I hear it's a great restaurant.
You're quite the little chatterbox tonight.
Oh, you want me to talk? Well, it's not necessary.
Fine, I'll talk.
I don't appreciate being given junk jewelry and then lied to about it.
Oh, now, wait a second, that is not junk jewelry, Diane.
Oh, Sam, please, no more lies.
How could you pledge your troth with a paste ring? Oh, that is not a paste ring! All right, all right, there was there was another ring.
I but I switched it for the one in the window.
I swear to God I did, Diane! Oh, please, don't bother swearing.
You have no idea what this day has I know this obviously means nothing to you.
I'd rather go without than wear a lie.
SAM: No, no, no! (tires screeching) (crashing) Explain that part about switching rings again.
Oh, there's something shiny! No.
Just another paper wrapper.
(sighs) Oh, look at us.
We're filthy.
By the way, I hate that dress.
Considering the circumstances under which it was obtained, it's hardly one of my favorites anymore.
Then I can count on you not wearing it when you visit me in the poorhouse that you put me in.
Oh, Sam, get off it.
No, no, no, wait a second.
Le-Let's tally up the damages here.
The first ring was $1,200.
The box was $290.
Four lovely pink frocks was a mere $950.
The, uh, damages on the car will be at least a grand.
And let's not forget about the $5,200 bite I was hoping to avoid in the first place.
Bringing it to a grand total of $9,000 for a ring I no longer have.
Well, I hasten to add that this was all of your own volition.
SAM: Ah $290 for the box? Yeah.
Do you like do you like corn on the cob? Well, I guess I'm just stupid to think that I could make someone like you happy on a budget of someone like me.
I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
All right, I said I was! Give me a bit of slack.
(sighs) Even had that been the bargain ring, it would've been sinfully impetuous of me to cast it away.
Well, here's the bargain ring right now.
Why don't you give it the old heave-ho, too? Hmm Hmm.
I'm somehow reminded of a fable penned by an anonymous 18th century author concerning the young mistress of a great feudal estate and a woodchopper who worked on the estate Diane not now, please? Could I just tell you the moral? What? You're really neat.
Hardly a rich soul, I know.
The fact remains that no matter what the cost a ring is, above all else, a symbol of the feelings that two people have for each other.
So, truly, Sam, this is the ring I want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, here.
Let me do this.
Uh But nothing says we can't keep looking.
(screaming): No!