Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Norm's First Hurrah

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You missing something, Woody? Yeah, well, I had a $20 bill in my pocket and now it's gone.
Well, say good-bye to that Andy Jackson.
Oh, see you later, Andy.
CLIFF: Boy, oh, boy.
Talk about your lucky days, huh? Just found 20 smackers back there in the pool room.
Yeah, and to celebrate my good fortune, I'm gonna buy a round of drinks for all my, uh, friends.
What are you gonna do with the other 19 bucks? Woody, that could be your $20 bill.
The one you lost.
Hey, yeah, you know, I was in the pool room earlier.
Wait a second.
Now let's be fair about this.
Uh, give me the serial number.
Oh, come on, man.
Nobody knows serial numbers.
L-2-1-8-8-6-1-1-9-B That's amazing.
How'd you do that? Oh, I memorize the serial numbers on all my currency.
Why? For just such an occasion.
Tell you, though, I pray everyday I don't get rich.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Oh, groom.
Hmm? Sweetheart, we're going to have to decide where we're going for our honeymoon.
Where do you want to go? Boy, I don't know.
Where, where, where do you want to go? I told you where I want to go-- Tibet.
Well, it's our honeymoon.
Of course we're going to bed.
No, you whammo.
Tibet the country.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sam, imagine getting up in the morning and looking out on the roof of the world.
Look where we'd stay.
Isn't it quaint? Looks like where the dogs sleep.
It is.
The dogs sleep with us.
You wouldn't want to freeze to death, would you? Diane, I didn't sleep with dogs when I was single.
I'm not about to start now.
For goodness sake, don't you want to taste the exciting and fascinating things that life has to offer? No.
I'd rather marry you.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Mr.
Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? "See ya later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
" You're looking unusually chipper today.
Yeah, I'm feeling kind of chipper, Fras.
Is there any particular reason, other than the fact that we live in a democracy and sushi bars appear to be on the decline? Well, I was gonna tell Vera first, but why break tradition? I just landed a great new job at Masters and Holly and Dixon.
Oh, wonderful! It's one of the top C.
firms in Boston.
Yes, I hear that's quite a successful firm.
You know, over half of their executives require therapy on a regular basis.
So, uh, here's my card.
Oh, great.
Just in case.
Thank you.
It's a very impressive place.
Uh, they occupy the entire 25th floor of the Boston Towers.
And they hired you? It must have been the altitude.
No, no, no, no, seriously, Norm, I'm sorry.
You know, I hope this works out to be, you know, sort of a long-term arrangement for you.
Long enough anyway for them to see you wear your other suit.
NORM: Very funny.
Very funny, you guys.
But I'll have you know they gave me the key to the executive washroom this morning.
Did it come with a bucket and mop? Laugh all you want, okay, but I think this is finally the job for me.
I've got a secretary.
I have an expense account, a very ritzy office all to myself, so Good for you, Norman.
How about a round of applause for our new executive? (middling applause) Well, I started late.
I didn't want to be impolite.
I'm really excited for you, Norman.
I can tell by the way you're talking that this is the job that's going to fire your enthusiasm.
When do you start? About, uh, three hours ago.
What are you doing here? I didn't want to appear over-anxious, you know.
Yeah, no danger there, huh, Buddy? No, no, I'm on my lunch hour.
But, you know, I could be late if I wanted to.
I mean, I got free rein over there.
I happen to be my own boss.
So that's how you got the job.
Thanks for the send-off, guys.
Well, I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
SAM: Why? What'd we do? Well, I think we could have been a bit more thunderous in our applause.
(clears throat) Uh, except for Woody.
Sam, didn't you see the hurt in Norman's eyes? He was seeking our support and approval.
It's his first day on the job and all we did was give him jibes.
Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
He's had hundreds of first days on the job.
You know, Diane's right.
It's obvious how much we mean to him.
I think we may have let him down.
Oh Gee, I hope not.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, too late to do anything about that now.
Refill, huh, Sam? Hey, it's not too late.
We could march en masse down to Norman's office and show him that we're in his corner.
Oh, sure.
Perhaps buy the new hotshot a little office warming gift.
Maybe a potted plant.
Good! Okay, hurry up.
Let's get going here.
Wonderful, Carla.
That's the kind of enthusiasm that's going to make Norman feel better.
The hell with that yutz.
I wanna go downtown and see some Yuppie buns in tight Italian suits.
Well, then it's settled.
We'll go.
Wish I could join you, but I've got an appointment at 1:00.
Oh, what the hell? Mrs.
Segal's rather a compulsive cleaner.
If I'm a little late, maybe she'll tidy up the office.
Give my best to Norm.
Well, aren't you coming? Oh, I gotta take care of the bar here.
Oh, Sam, we've got to show Norman our impressive phalanx.
Oh, that's all right, honey.
He saw mine at the gym.
CLIFF: And then there was this 1938 accident where the elevator plunged 86 floors.
Get me out of this thing! Oh, my.
What an exquisite place to come to work everyday.
Have you ever seen such sumptuous surroundings? Well, you obviously haven't been to the, uh, new downtown postal annex, Diane.
So, uh, where's Woody? I hope he's not lost.
Gee, what are the odds? (gasps) Damn.
Got another one of those carpet shocks.
Well, Carla, if you'd walk like a lady, that wouldn't happen.
If I walked like a lady, nothing would happen.
Sorry I'm late.
Ah, Woody, uh, couldn't you find a bigger one? No.
You know, at the risk of sounding self-congratulatory, I think we're fabulous.
Just think how Norman will appreciate this.
You know, I remember the first day I worked at The Third Eye Bookstore.
Ramu was explaining to me the difference between I think it was between psychic and occult.
Ouch! Think we could get this carpet for the bar? All right.
Everyone ready? ALL: Surprise! Don't you guys ever think about maybe calling first? Yeah, well, we couldn't find a phone booth.
Until now.
Say, did anybody ever see Das Boot? What're you guys doing here? Well, we wanted to come down and celebrate your first day on the new job.
WOODY: Yeah, we brought you a gift.
Uh, let me find the perfect spot for this.
Don't forget to water it.
Thanks, I'll write myself a note, Woody.
So, guys, I, uh guess I probably exaggerated a little bit about the office.
(chuckling ) But, uh, you know, it's just 'cause you were razzing me so much, and it's actually quite a big step to have an office at all.
I mean, many people in this firm have to share an office.
(knocking) Oh, just a sec.
Yeah? Just, uh, set it right here, that's fine.
Let me guess.
I'm Thompkins.
Looks like we're office partners.
So if you're lookin' for a secretary, I'm available.
But I want you to know I do not take shorthand, I don't type and I don't make coffee.
Well, what do you do? Hire me and find out.
Carla, I don't think he caught that.
Next time try to be more obvious.
Okay, let's let Norman get back to work.
Oh, Norman, keep up the spirits, huh? Remember-- no small offices, only small people.
That's right, right.
Okay oh, my God, look at the time.
If I don't get back right now, Mrs.
Segal will be shampooing the rug.
Well, okay.
Thanks, thanks a lot for the plant.
Wait, wait, my supervisor.
Everybody hide.
Hi, sir.
What are all these people doing in here? Well, they're new clients, sir, and, uh, we were just holding a little impromptu seminar on the tax laws, and, uh So in conclusion, folks, I'd like you to, uh, file early and, um file out.
Right, fine.
Thank you, Mr.
Thank you.
New clients, sir, so You're, uh, you're Thompkins, aren't you? Yes, sir.
Yes, well, welcome aboard.
Pay attention.
You can learn a lot from this man.
Thank you, sir.
That's very kind of you to say.
No, I was talking to you.
By the way, sir, I understand you're a big Red Sox fan.
You know, my father has season tickets, uh, right behind the dugout.
No kidding? Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm usually so busy with work here, I, I rarely get to use them.
Thompkins, let's have lunch.
THOMPKINS: Thank you.
Oh, that's a, wait.
That's a, uh, lovely tie you've got there, sir.
What, this ugly thing? Yeah.
Oh, my wife bought it.
Yeah, how is the missus? We're divorcing.
Well, I hope you stick it to her, sir.
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm great.
Top of the world, ma! Hey, the first day at a new job is always traumatic.
Look at me.
I'm pushing 40, practically starting over again.
Oh, Norman, that's not true.
Yes, it is.
Yeah? Yeah, I'm delivering supplies to the supply room.
This isn't the supply room.
Well, it's 2511, right? Right.
Then it's the supply room.
Well, it may have been the supply room once, okay, but now it's my office.
What does it say on this invoice? Thank you.
See what I mean, Diane? I just wasn't meant to be a success.
Norman, may I speak to you for a moment? You make me sick.
You're a quitter, Norman.
No, you're worse than that.
You're a non-starter.
You don't even try.
You sit around the bar all day.
You sit around your house all day.
You sit around here all day.
You sit around life all day.
How are you gonna feel some day at the end of your life when you're lying, no, make that sitting, on your deathbed and you realize that the only thing you've done in your life is sit around and watch people do things, make things out of their lives.
Well, maybe you're right, Norman.
Maybe you're not meant for success.
Maybe you're meant for exactly what you are.
Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
Norman, I said those things to you because I care.
You must care an awful lot about me.
Well, I do.
All of your friends care about you an awful lot.
And we're tired of seeing you give up so easily.
Maybe I won't give up so easily this time.
Maybe those harsh, stinging, offensive words of yours, words that I'll take to my grave, by the way maybe they finally struck a cord with me, Diane.
Oh, Norman, do you mean it? Oh, yes, I do, Diane.
You know, every place I've worked, my name has been synonymous with patsy.
Well, I think it's high time my name stood for ruthless.
Now people may not like the new me, but they're gonna respect the new me.
Diane, I want you to mark this date on your calendar, for today is the day the new me is born.
Happy birthday.
Sign here.
I'm gonna tell the boss.
No, no, Norman, Norman, Norman Thank you, Mr.
Well, it's a start.
You know, I was thinking while you were gone, it's not really fair to have you make all the honeymoon plans, so I went ahead and I did them myself.
All you have to do is pack your bags and set your dial for fun.
Oh, God, it's Niagara Falls, isn't it? No, it's not Niagara Falls.
That place is a tourist trap.
You ready for this? Disneyworld.
You want to go to Disneyworld for our honeymoon? Oh, yeah.
But, Sam, I always thought that would be someplace we'd go when we have kids.
Well, hey, no, this is not just for kids.
This, this is for "children of all ages.
" I mean, can you say the same thing about Tibet? Well, how can you compare Disneyworld and Tibet where we might possibly unravel the mysteries of life? Well, there, there are lots of mysteries you can unravel at Disneyworld.
For example? Um, all right, all right, uh, why is it that, uh, Donald Duck wears a top and no bottom, whereas Mickey wears a bottom and no top? Oh, Sammy, it-it's because, you know, uh, a duck's private's are hidden by their feathers and mouse's is, uh, well, need I say more? While you're at it, I mean, why is it we've never seen Donald fly? I mean, I've seen that damn duck do The Carioca.
Yeah, and if Mickey's dating Minnie, how come he has such a high voice? Oh, now, whoa, wait, are you trying to tell me that Mickey All right, all right, all right, we'll go! We'll go! Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm! DIANE: Norman.
SAM: Well, look at you.
You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Give me a beer to wash him down.
Hey, you're, uh, you're in kinda late there, me bucko.
So how was your first day? Well, I tell you, I feel a lot better now than I did this morning.
Diane, I took your advice and I spent the afternoon jotting down some ideas I think'll save the company a lot of money.
Oh, Norman! That's wonderful! I'm gonna pitch it to my supervisor tomorrow.
But, I tell you, I'm a little nervous about putting my butt on the line.
How do you think the line feels? Norman why waste time with the supervisor? He'll only take credit for the idea himself.
Why don't you go right to the top? Present your idea to the Board of Directors.
I don't know, the thought of standing there in a room full of bigwigs just gives me the cold sweats.
Boy, yeah, I can sympathize with you there, Normie.
Yeah? Yeah, I'll never forget my first oral report.
Sixth grade.
Yeah? Yeah, boy, was I nervous.
I tell you.
I went to my father and he said, "Hey, just relax.
"You'll be fine as long as you can imagine the other kids in their underwear.
" Which was no big deal for me because I'd gotten that far with half the girls in class already.
Even then, huh? Yeah, anyway, I was, uh, just describing how they make maple syrup by draining the sap from trees when I happened to look down and notice how nicely Cindy Van Rippen had filled out.
Oh, yes.
Well, what happened next? Oh, well, I, uh, I smiled at her and she smiled at me and then after my little speech we stole a few moments in the cloakroom.
No, I mean after they drain the sap from the trees.
I don't remember, Woody.
Oh, great, Sam.
Get us all revved up and then leave out the best part.
Norman, nothing takes the place of personal support.
Therefore, when you're ready to make your proposal, I will be at your side.
Tell them that you've hired a personal secretary to assist you, at your expense.
Diane, please, I mean, you've been more than helpful already, okay? I don't need anyone to hold my hand.
I just need a little practice.
CLIFF: Well, uh, Normie, well, why don't you, uh, try it out on us, huh? That's a good idea actually.
Oh, yes, it is good.
Good, good.
Stand up here so we can all see you.
All right.
Uh, now remember, guys, uh, this room'll be a pressure cooker, so just, uh, you know, stay on top of me, okay? Really heckle me.
It'll help.
(clears throat) Good morning, gentlemen.
Uh, what's good about it? What time can you be there? enjoy a 58% growth.
Cash flow.
And we'll achieve it no later Thank God.
Thank God you're here.
Norman, don't worry, please.
Everything is going to be perfect.
I hope so.
I'm, uh, having a very tough time picturing the chairman of the board in his underpants.
Oh, no.
What? Now what? What? Oh, Pierre forgot the chocolate croissant I ordered.
Don't worry about it.
It wasn't that good.
That's a nice suit, Peterson.
They make it in your size? Pay no attention to him.
Norman is making a proposal today at the board meeting.
Well, he's wasting his time.
Those stuffed shirts don't care about anybody's ideas.
Why don't you just have the courage to wish him well? Why don't you take a flying leap? Touche.
Now listen, I don't like to make predictions, but you're going to be in the top echelon of this company someday.
Your idea is so good they can't help but applaud it.
I hope you're right, Diane, but, uh, we have a few minutes now and I just, I wanna splash some water on my face.
Fine, fine, I'll go prepare the coffee.
It's a special Viennese blend.
They're bound to be impressed.
Oh, great, great.
For my part I think I'd like to get a second opinion on this pastry, you know what I mean? (whistling) Diane! It's-It's gone! What's gone? Well, my proposal and my career.
The pastry! Oh, no.
THOMPKINS: If my plan is implemented immediately, we'll enjoy a 58% growth in cash flow.
And we'll achieve it no later than the third quarter of the next fiscal year.
The thief.
Get in there and defend yourself.
Damn right I will.
MAN: Thompkins, you idiot! You've completely ignored the obvious.
Our resulting tax liability would cost us a fortune.
THOMPKINS: Uh, actually, sir, it's not my plan.
It's the new guy, Peterson's, you see MAN: Don't try blaming another man for this garbage.
Now stop wasting our time and get back to work.
Just my luck.
I had to share the office with a moron.
Hey, sorry.
MAN: I'll give him this, though.
The man knows his pastry.
Oh, geez.
Now, Norman.
Now don't let this faze you.
You have to keep pushing.
I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
No, no, Diane.
A few moments ago I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life, okay? And it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me.
I am not a go-getter.
I've never been a go-getter.
And what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter.
I'm very happy right where I am.
And I'm tired of all these people saying, "Peterson, you've gotta push.
"You gotta get ahead.
You gotta make that goal.
" I don't even wanna make the goal, Diane.
I wanna be a bench warmer, okay? The world needs bench warmers.
I mean, if there were no bench warmers, what would we have? We'd have cold benches.
A lot of cold benches.
And the world does not need that, Diane.
In this great pageantry of life, Norm Peterson may be a, a motionless lump, but he's a very damn good one.
Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned.
That's 'cause I believe in this, Diane.
Look, Norm Peterson is totally happy being an anonymous cog in the gigantic machinery of this firm.
Oh, I forgot.
Didn't you wanna say something at the meeting? Just how delighted I was to be part of the firm, sir.
Well, we're glad to have you aboard, Springsteen.
I'm home.