Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - I Do and Adieu

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sammy, got three questions.
One, who's going to fix the ball return on the pool table? Okay, I'll check that today.
Check.
Two, how much vermouth do you want next month? Uh, an extra case.
Check.
Three, why, why, why?! Oh, come on, don't start with me about the wedding, will you? Oh, Sammy-- Sam, it actually looks like you're going to go through with this horrible thing.
Why do you want to marry this woman? I don't know, Carla.
It It's not easy to explain.
I mean, why did you marry Nick? Why?! 'Cause I was stupid, that's why.
Well actually, there was a little more.
What? You tell anybody this, and I'll kill you.
(muttering): No, I won't.
(sighing) Nick made me feel all (sighing): all squooshy inside.
"Squooshy"? Squooshy.
Uh, well that's how Diane makes me feel-- all squooshy.
(yelling): Oh, yuck! Double yuck! Oh, I'm gonna throw up! This is so disgusting! You said it.
What do y? I married Nick 'cause he knocked me up.
This is sickening! Ugh! I only said it 'cause you said it.
What are you do? I need some air.
Hey, guys, listen to this! No, don't, please don't! Sam says Diane makes him feel all squooshy! (crowd taunting) MAN: Ooh, Sammy! "Squooshy.
" Oh! (piano plays) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Excuse me, young man.
I'm Dr.
Sumner Sloane.
I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Gee, I hope she's not sick.
No, I'm not a medical doctor.
I'm in the Literature Department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
Huh.
Hey, don't worry about it.
That's all I did in school, too.
Hey, that's Sumner Sloane there.
The famous Sumner Sloane-- the man who jilted Diane? Yup.
He made a bigger doofus out of her than she made out of you.
No easy trick.
Oh, boy, yeah, that was one of your major league dumps, too.
Poor little Diane, left there on our doorstep, you know, turning to us for, uh, shelter from life's storm.
Boy, oh, boy, it seems like a long time ago, doesn't it, Normie? Yep.
A lot's changed since that fateful night, eh? Yeah.
As I recall, you were sitting over there, drinking a beer, and I was sitting right here having a beer, kind of wishing you'd shut up.
Good memory.
Yeah.
(Diane laughing) Hello, Diane.
Hello, Sumner.
Hello, Sam, old man.
Sumner.
I understand congratulations are in order.
You've heard about our engagement? Yes.
Wonderful news travels fast.
Sam, old man, I'd like to steal away your lovely bride-to-be for a private chat.
With your permission, of course.
You're not going to try to take her away from me, are you, Sumner? It's obvious you've cast a spell over Diane that someone with even my considerable charms would find difficult to break.
Well, maybe with your charms and a jug of cheap wine.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Perhaps you've heard of me.
Not till this moment.
Well, it just so happens that I was once engaged to Diane, too.
Ah.
Is there anyone in this bar you haven't been engaged to? Well, I believe the floor is now open to nominations for "pompous ass of the year" award.
Hey, uh, remember us, uh, Dr.
Sloane? How could I forget? Barney, Wally, Ed.
When I heard of your impending marriage to Sam, I thought perhaps I had overestimated you.
So, I pored through everything that you'd written-- letters, poems, short stories.
The pages burned with your talent, Diane, and I was singed.
Why are you telling me this? I was so impressed by one of your unfinished novels, I took the liberty of sending it to a friend who's an editor at Houghton Mifflin.
You had no right to do that.
While he concurs with me that it's rough, embryonic and immature, he loves it and thinks it has a very good chance of being published.
Published? I knew it.
I felt it.
I've never been more alive in my life than when I was writing that.
Which one was it? Jocasta's Conundrum.
Yes! (giggling) I'm going to be a novelist.
I'm going to be a novelist.
Now, this doesn't guarantee publication.
He has other people to convince.
And he'll have to see the finished work.
Actually, I haven't quite finished it.
I haven't written for five years.
That's about the same amount of time you've been interred in this, uh, tomb of thought.
Oh roughly.
Well, then it's imperative you get out of here and finish this novel immediately.
You can use my cabin in Maine.
It's where I go to do most of my profound thinking.
You'll love it! Ted Koppel has a little place right down the road.
I can't.
I'm going to marry Sam.
Do you realize the implications of the choice you're making? There's no choice.
A woman can be married and write, too.
Oh, I get it.
You're going to write the great American novel in between driving the kids to Little League games, changing a litter box and teaching Sam pinochle so you can finally have the Mundanes over to dinner.
Well, even if I can't do both, I don't care.
Of course you don't.
Sam's bludgeoned all the spirit out of you and dragged you back down to his level.
No one was dragged, Sumner.
Sam and I walked arm in arm to his level.
I think you'd better leave now.
Yes, I'll leave.
But the time will come when you'll look back on this moment and realize you've made a terrible mistake.
I'm glad I won't be around to witness that.
So am I.
Touch?.
How appropriate that as I take my leave of you, you are holding the eight ball.
Good-bye, Diane.
(ball rolls, then drops) DIANE: Sam? Yeah.
Oh, there you are.
Where have you been? I, uh, was at the dentist.
I, uh, had something caught in my teeth.
What are you up to there? I've started addressing our wedding invitations.
So what did Sumner have to say? Well, it seems he has submitted the manuscript of one of my novels to an editor who thinks it might be publishable with a little work.
Well, that's great, isn't it? Yeah, it's very flattering.
And I'm not easily flattered.
Oh, I know, I know.
That's, uh That's one of the most remarkable things about you.
Thank you, Sam.
Hey, wait a minute.
You know, this this could work out perfectly.
Why don't we why don't we postpone the wedding? Postpone it? Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, you-you could go off and finish your book, and it'd give me a chance to do something I've wanted to do all my life.
What? What do you mean what? You want me to name it? That'd be good.
Well, I, uh, take a trip to the Orient.
Yeah, yeah, I always wanted to go to the Orient.
You've never said anything about a trip to the Orient.
Well, not in so many words, but I mean, you know how much I like Chinese food.
It's Sam, I've waited several years for this marriage, and I don't want to wait any longer.
I'm starting to get scared.
Oh, no.
Something always seems to screw us up-- usually it's you.
Sometimes it's me.
Let's get married now.
What do you mean "now"? Now.
Tonight.
Tonight? Yeah.
You know, what's the rush? I mean, it feels like you want to do this fast so that you don't change your mind.
You're the one who seems to be changing his mind.
No, no, I'm not, no, I'm not.
Well, good, then there's no problem.
Let's marry tonight.
Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't.
We ought to think about this.
All right, fine.
You sit down and think about it.
I'll make us some tea.
If you get stuck, call me.
I'll come in and jiggle your head.
Tea time, dear.
I've had a great life.
My grandson's a 25-game winner with the Red Sox.
Got the prettiest wife in town.
And I can still fire off the old booster rockets now and again.
And don't forget your pinochle's coming along quite well.
Yes, yes.
You know, now that I got the hang of it, I kind of like that game.
Who called there a minute ago? That was your granddaughter, Samantha.
She said to tell her gramps that she has a new boyfriend.
Uh-oh.
What's he like? Well, he sounds like a fine young man.
She said he has his doctorate in laser beam demolecularization.
There's only one thing that kept me from going into that myself.
I don't have the brains of a turnip.
(both chuckling) (coughing) (knock at door) I'll get it.
Maybe you better do it.
I'd rather watch you walk anyway.
You know, it's absolutely amazing how you've held onto your figure.
Well, it's amazing how you've held onto it, too.
Oh, Clifford.
(laughs) Er you hit the jackpot there, Diane.
Oh, thanks so much.
Would you like to come in and have a cup of tea? Oh, don't mind if I do.
Good.
When are you going to retire, Cliff? "Retire"? (chuckling): Hells bells, Sammy.
Being a mailman's still the surest way I know of, uh, meeting the, uh Women.
Women.
(coughing) (knock at door) I'll get it.
No, maybe not.
Let me.
We seem to be very popular today.
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norman.
What's up, Norm? Me, about 30 times a night.
Norman, shall I get you a cup so you can join us in some tea? No, no, thanks, Diane.
I'm just here to pick up Cliffie.
We're going to go on over to Woody's bar and have a few beers.
Well, tell Woody we say hi.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
How's he doing with the bar? Well, Sammy, he's, uh, turned it into a real family enterprise, you know.
Hmm.
He's, uh He and, uh, his kid are are working behind the bar, and he's got his-his wife and his daughter actually waiting tables.
And in the evening, they, uh, apparently take off all their shoes and socks and add up the receipts.
(all laughing) (Sam coughing) Oh Yep.
We're out of here.
Cliffie? Women.
No, we're out of here.
Er eh really, eh, nice seeing you two again.
Eh, Diane, you get, uh, better looking every year.
Why, thank you, Clifford.
Yeah, wish I could say the same thing about Vera.
Oh, Norman, didn't you tell us that Vera still has the figure of a young girl? That's right; it's tattooed on her back.
(coughing) Good one.
Good one.
You know, Sam, Mm-hmm? we are blessed.
With wonderful friends and a wonderful family.
It certainly has been a good life.
Do you have any regrets? None.
Now, what about that book you were going to write a long time ago? Now, don't you ever wish that you had done that instead of marrying me? Oh, that was years and years ago, Sam.
I know that, but don't you have any regrets? Sam Malone I wouldn't trade one minute of my life with you for a Nobel Prize in Literature.
(phone ringing) I'll get it.
Oh.
Hello.
I don't know why, Carla-- because I love her! Now, can we just leave this alone, please?! DIANE: Teatime, Sam.
So, what's your answer? "Yes" or "I need more time to think about it"? Hmm.
Okay.
You mean it? Yeah.
Oh, Sam! You won't regret it.
Well, I just hope you don't.
Oh, I never shall.
Thank you.
Mm.
Come on, let's do it.
Let's go get a justice of the peace.
Better yet, let's wed at Cheers.
The bar? It's ideal.
Right there in front of our dearest friends who've been witness to our love, seeing the good times and the bad times, shared our joys and sorrows.
How perfect.
Those dear souls who will share our moment of ultimate joy.
Better still, why don't we have 'em over right here? We'll do it right here.
Oh, I don't want those people in my house.
All right, I got 20 bucks says they won't do it.
All right, well, I got, eh, 30 here says they, uh, tie the knot-ski tonight-ski.
I'd like a piece of that, Cliff, because you see, I'm convinced that the words "I do" are not in the woman's vocabulary.
Eh, all right, let's see how much you got there.
Come on, put your money where your mouth is.
Hey, everybody! ALL: Hey! Wish me luck.
(guests cheering) Sammy, uh, let me just give you a little piece of advice I wish somebody would've given me once.
Run, Sammy, run.
Run like the wind.
Disappear into the night.
Go, Sam, go! (piano playing "Wedding March") (sobbing) (music stops) (whimpering) I understand that this has been a long time in coming.
So without further delay, uh, we'll get to the matter at hand.
You, Sam, and you, Diane, have complied with the general laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and there are no apparent impediments to this marriage.
(wailing) Therefore, do you, Sam Malone, take this woman, Diane Chambers, to be your lawfully wedded wife till death do you part? I do.
(shrieking) (phone rings) Cheers.
Oh, just a second.
Miss Chambers, it's for you.
Woody, I'm kind of busy.
Oh.
Uh, listen, she's getting married.
Can I take a message? You're kidding.
Oh, that's Yeah, that's great.
That's unbelievable.
You're welcome.
(laughs) Go ahead.
No, no, don't go ahead.
Woody, what is it? They're going to publish Miss Chambers' book.
They're giving her a big advance to finish it.
Um, to, uh, continue Diane Chambers, do you take this man, Samuel Malone, to be your lawfully wedded husband till death do you part? What? Oh, yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I? Well, then, by the powers vested in me by the governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you man No, you don't.
I want to change my answer.
What did he say? Sam Look, you got to do this book.
You have to.
I don't care about the book.
I care about you.
Go ahead, from the beginning, please.
This is inhuman.
You, Sam, and you, Diane, have complied with the general regulations and the laws of the Commonwealth No, no, w-w-w-wait-wait.
Look, I-I-I don't want to be married to a woman who's going to be always asking, "What if"? I'll tell you what.
Y-Y-You're bad at ballet.
You're terrible at acting.
You don't you can't draw worth a lick.
You're bad at-at poetry, photography, cinema and omelets.
I mean, they're going to have to start inventing things for you to be bad at.
Make your point, Sam.
You're-you're good at writing.
I mean, I think we finally found something you don't stink at.
But, Sam, I-I Look, look, this is important for you.
I mean, I-I-I had my day in the sun.
I-I may not have been the greatest relief pitcher in the world Yeah, you were, Sammy.
Thank you.
The point is the point is I took a shot.
You've got to take your shot.
Well we've always gone with our feelings.
Yeah.
Are these your feelings? Yes, they are.
I only want to do what's best for us.
So do you agree that we shouldn't get married? I do.
(squeals) Thank you, thank you.
(excited clamoring) (Carla sobbing) DIANE: Well, Maine awaits.
See you in six months.
Right.
Right.
Next time, let's have our wedding somewhere else.
Anything you say.
(sighs) (sighs) Hey.
Have a good life.
"Have a good life"? What? Well, that's something you say when something's over.
Sam, I'm going away for six months.
That's all.
So no more of this "have a good life" stuff.
You never know.
You-you could die.
I could die.
The world could end.
One of us could bump our heads and, uh, wander the streets for the rest of our life with amnesia.
Or maybe one of us will decide they want something else.
None of those things will happen.
I'll be back here.
I will.
I'll see you in six months.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
That's better.
Have a good life.
(piano plays gentle melody)