Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Little Carla, Happy at Last (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( chuckling ) Well, that cute little dimple? Well, I think I still got it.
It's kind of hard for me to see back there.
( laughing ) Um, Renee, I'm going to have to get back to you.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Uh, Linda, sweetheart, uh, can we continue this over lunch? Well, um, your place.
Don't cook.
( laughing ) Let me guess-- personal call? Very.
Malone, I find winking really smarmy.
Yeah, but beneath this smarm is a lot of charm, and I think you know that.
I know this I want you out of my office now.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm not supposed to get personal calls here, but what the hey, you know; super-strength Sammy has been off the shelves now for over a year-- there's a lot of pent-up demand out there.
What can I say? Say, "I'd better get back to work.
I don't want to get fired.
" You're cute when you're humorless.
Did you know that? ( telephone rings ) Cheers.
No, Simone, I'm sorry.
Sam's working.
( whispering ): Simone? Wait, wait, wait.
Try him later at home.
Well, then, perhaps on your next visit to the States.
Simone? Man, you just cost me a roll in the hay.
I owe you one.
You're on.
I didn't mean that.
Wait a minute.
I think we need to get something ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Geez listen to this.
"Scientists discover wild parrot who claims to be Elvis.
" So? "So?" I mean, this one wins the "Too stupid for even you, Cliff" award.
Now, really, must you two wallow in this sensationalistic tripe? It pains me no end to see America's wits dulled and their morals abrogated by this opiate of the asses.
( Norm scoffs ) Well, let's check this out, Cliffie.
"I was Sigmund Freud's love child.
" No! I've heard rumors that he betrayed Martha with his sister-in-law, but I never dreamed there were progeny.
You rapscallions.
( Woody whistling ) What are you whistling about, huh? You haven't got a dime to your name.
You're working for a woman who's a meat grinder, and you look like a baboon in that uniform.
Boy, life really stinks.
( whistling happy tune ) SAM: You okay? I feel like puke.
Well, you're wearing the right uniform.
Want to talk about it? No, what's there to say about a no-good, ice-eating little geek like Eddie LeBec.
He's known since a week ago that I got his bun in my oven, and what the hell has he done about it? Jack Diddley.
Don't look now, but your ice-eating geek just walked in.
Don't you just love him? Hi, Carla.
Hi, Eddie.
You, uh, busy? CARLA: Just a minute.
Uh, look, would you just write down what you want, and hand it to Howdy Doody over there? I'm all yours.
So, what's new? Well, I, uh, I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Yeah? You know, training camp's really been rough and a lot of competition at goalie, and really having to work my tail off to keep up, eh? Sounds rough.
Say, you know, uh, since I'm already here, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.
Yeah? It's a question.
I like questions.
Okay, but, see, this is the kind of question a guy really doesn't want to ask if he thinks he might get "no" for answer.
Well, it's kind of hard for a girl to give an answer until she knows what the question is.
Okay, but, you see, it would be a lot easier for a guy if he had some sort of sign Ask me, you little frog! Okay.
Carla, would you? Yes! Yes! Oh, oh, oh.
Eddie, yes.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Carla, do you mind if we, you know, we keep this quiet? You know me, I don't like a lot of hoopla.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Would it be okay if I just told Sam? I guess.
Hey, Sammy! Me and Eddie are getting married! ( applause ) Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey.
( bell ringing, people cheering ) Get over here, Eddie! ( whistles ) What's going on? Oh, great news, Miss Howe.
Carla's marrying Eddie LeBec.
Oh, that cute little guy with the dents in his nose.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
Wait, wait, wait, here we go.
Here we go, here we go.
I want to be making a toast to my beautiful bride-to-be.
Listen, you know, I don't make my living using words, so this is gonna be kind of hard for me, okay, but here it goes.
Uh, Carla Well, you know.
ALL: Well, you know.
I love you, sweetie.
Hey, congratulations, man.
This is terrific.
Are you gonna take her on a honeymoon? Hey, got any suggestions? Yeah.
New Orleans.
I found a great little honeymoon spot just kind of tucked away off Bourbon Street.
Great food, very romantic, steamy atmosphere, you know.
Yeah, I had the time of my life, and then Vera tracked me down.
Well, if I get any time off from training camp, I thought maybe Carla might like to see Waikiki.
Waikiki Honolulu, Hawaii? Sure, we'll hit them all.
Yeah, right! I only hope I can get some time off from the Howitzer.
Miss Howitzer.
Time off? Well, you'll be having all the time in the world.
You think I'd be having a wife of mine work in a crummy bar like this? No offense, Miss Howitzer.
It's Miss Howe.
Oh, take it easy.
They're just complimenting your big guns.
Wait a minute.
Y-You're telling me that I don't have to work anymore? You mean, I can just sit around the house all day, eating peanut butter out of a jar, and watching my toenails grow? She's, uh, quite a catch, Ed.
Boy, you know, I'm gonna miss you around here.
Oh, Sammy, I'll drop by once in a while to watch all you 9-to-5'ers spill drinks on your butler suits.
So, when's the big day, Carla? Well, I'd like to do it as soon as possible before my little hunk of back bacon here changes his mind.
Ah, no way, I'm not one of those flakes you used to go out with.
Oh, but listen, we have to get married on a day with a two in it 'cause two's my lucky number.
Mine's three.
Oh, no sweat.
Lucky two, lucky three We can get married on the 23rd or the 32nd.
That's right, honey.
Oh, right, right.
No, um As long as it's not on a Wednesday.
Ooh, yeah, bad juju.
This is going to be an interesting wedding-- the two most superstitious people in the world.
Hey, hey, don't say that, it's bad luck.
Listen, whatever you do, don't make any plans afterwards 'cause we're going to throw you the biggest wedding reception in history right here Oh, great! ( applause ) ( clears throat ) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Force of habit.
Not my place to do that.
I'm sorry.
Howe's going to throw you the biggest wedding reception ( cheering ) I need to talk to you right now.
Uh, wait before you say anything, let me just, uh I had an idea.
Why don't you invite your boss, what's-his-name, Evan Drake.
You know, he's a sports fan, so I hear.
Maybe he'd enjoy meeting Eddie LeBec there.
You know, you could throw him a big bash, impress the pants off him.
What were you going to say? I was going to tell you to smile more.
I didn't say smugly.
Excuse me, I have a phone call to make.
Hey there, Eduardo, looks like you and Carla aren't the only lovebirds in town.
Check out DeeDee and David there.
Who? DeeDee and David Lefsowski, the Weekly Gabbers' odd couple of the month.
See, she weighs in there at 480 pounds, and he tips the scales at a mere, uh, 92.
But I mean, just look at the love in his eyes.
I think that's fear, Cliff.
Cute baby he's holding.
That's her arm, Woody.
Cute arm he's holding.
Picked a date yet? Yep.
Eddie wants to do it a week from Saturday, anytime before 4:00 p.
which is okay with my psychic, as long as our auras remain in the blue spectrum, and there's no solar eclipse.
It's really tough planning a wedding, isn't it? Ooh, tell me about it.
You know, I'm just a little nervous about waiting eight days.
Gives Eddie an awful long time to come to his senses.
Look at him.
He's absorbed in thought over there.
Well, maybe not.
The table looks nice.
Woody, don't you think the table looks nice? I think it looks nice.
Looks nice.
You think so? Oh, damn, I bet chucklebrain forgot to pick up the napkins.
Oh, no, Sam didn't forget.
Eddie brought these special wedding ones they had made up.
"We don't want to get married.
We have to.
Ha, ha.
" Cute.
You see the little hillbilly with the shotgun? Yes, he's nice, isn't he? But I think these are just a little too funny for the reception.
Burn them.
Did you remember to get the cinnamon almond decaf? Yeah, I did.
Who likes that? Evan does.
Everyone does.
Excuse me, Miss Howe, I know it's none of my beeswax, but it seems to me like you're awfully nervous about Mr.
Drake coming by today.
Do you like him or something? In a business sense, yes.
I admire his skills and accomplishments.
You like him.
Boys we're all set up with my buddy Bruce.
He can get us the same silverware Carla picked out from the Filene's catalog for over two-thirds off.
Oh, yeah.
So what's the bite-ski? I'll catch you guys later.
Say, Norm, there isn't any chance that this stuff is stolen merchandise, is there? No, of course not.
Listen, if anyone asks, we never heard of Bruce, we can't find the receipt, and if you run into me up on the street, call me Larry.
My mind's at ease.
So, Sam, what are you concocting there? You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are.
I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good-luck wedding punch.
It never fails.
Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers? Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet.
Hi, guys.
Carla, what are you doing here on your wedding day? Oh, oh, actually I came by to get my last paycheck.
See, the bridal shop has this policy about their wedding gowns-- "Fork over the jack, or it stays on the rack.
" So where is it? Oh, I'm so sorry that I don't have it ready for you right this very second.
I guess I've just been busy putting up every single decoration and ordering all the hors d'oeuvres and getting a band together at the very last minute so that your reception could be just perfect for you.
Could you step on it? I'm in a hurry.
Soda, bartender.
Coming right up.
So how's the bride on her big day? Couldn't be better, Sammy.
All celestial omens are favorable.
Seems that Eddie and I picked the one day this century when all the planets and constellations are in perfect alignment.
So either we get married by 4:00 today, or we wait until the year 2042.
I don't know, call me old-fashioned, but I still think you ought to get married before your baby does.
( chuckles ) How'd you manage to swing a church wedding? You know, being divorced and all.
Don't you remember? I had my marriage to Nick annulled years ago.
Oh, right, right, right, right.
Took forever.
But things got speeded up when Nick tried to sell the Bishop his watch.
Oh, hey, isn't that Eddie LeBec sashaying down those stairs, there, Doc? Sure looks like it.
But Carla's here.
Isn't there some superstition about the groom seeing the bride before the wedding? ( screams ) ( screams ) Nobody believes in that anymore.
You saw me.
I saw you.
I saw you see me.
I saw you see me see you.
Oh Shut up.
You're making it worse.
Oh, my God.
We were so careful about every single thing, and then we blew the single most important superstition of all-- seeing the bride on the day of the wedding.
What are you doing here? I was meeting my mother.
What are you doing here? I came by to get my check! That's it.
We've blown it.
We can't get married now.
Call me in 2042.
Yeah, okay.
I'll see ya.
You guys are kidding.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
What am I doing? Carla Look, I don't want to give up the best thing that ever happened to me.
Oh, come off it, Eddie.
You're just as superstitious as I am.
Well, not anymore.
And I'm going to prove to you there's nothing to all that mumbo jumbo.
Woody, hand me a mirror.
Huh? You know, the one Sam's always looking at himself in.
What are you going to do? I'm going to break it.
The bad luck is starting already.
He's lost his mind.
( gasps ) Hey, that's my mirror.
You see? Nothing.
The ground didn't open up and swallow me.
That's because they want you out in the open where lightning can get you.
Don't do that! Oh! Which shoulder do you throw salt over to avoid bad luck? The left, the left.
No! No, no! Forgive him, demons of Hell.
He's a hockey player.
( phone ringing ) Don't, don't answer it.
Don't, don't Cheers.
Thanks, Woody.
Carla, it's for you.
Go on.
Go on, answer it.
Would you take it.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Dr.
How did my tests come out? You've got to be kidding.
What? What is it? Twins.
He spills the salt, he breaks the mirror, and I'm the one having twins.
I told you something horrible was going to happen.
What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.
Yeah, I had twins once.
It was the happiest day of my life.
Lighten up.
Lighten up.
Carla Carla, this is great.
Eddie You're really happy about this? I'm the happiest man on Earth.
Listen, Carla, you and me, we can we can overcome any obstacles that are in our way.
You're a great guy, Eddie.
Dumb as a skate blade, but a great guy.
Ma! Oh, my baby's home! You see? I knew things would look up.
What's wrong? Ma, nothing.
Everything's aces.
It's just that, hey, when you called about getting remarried, I realized how much I love you.
I just wanted to be with you on this day.
And? Uh, and Dad's TV shop-- it went under.
We got evicted, and I can't get unemployment 'cause Daddy didn't declare me an employee.
Well, I'm just glad my little boy's here for my wedding.
What about his lovely wife? I'm just glad my little boy's here for my wedding.
Actually, Mother Tortelli, we didn't want to return to Vegas.
We don't think it's any place for children to grow up.
You're having a kid? I'm talking about us.
So, if we could find someone here in Boston with an nice house and lots of extra room Do you know anyone like that, Mother Tortelli? No, no, no.
You don't want to come live in my little, tiny, overcrowded house.
Ma, it's just temporary.
Just till I get back on my feet.
Hey, if it's a problem, we'll find someplace else to stay.
I think I saw a nice cardboard box in the alley.
See, see? What did I tell ya? This is the bad luck I've been warning you about.
Carla, don't worry about it.
I mean, the more the merrier.
Look, I'm going to get a major salary bump this season, and then I'll buy us all the biggest house in Boston.
A new house? You bet.
Now do you finally believe that nothing bad is going to happen? No.
I'll just have more closet space when it does.
Anthony, I'm Eddie LeBec.
I guess I'm your new stepfather.
I'm hoping one day you'll call me "Dad.
" Hey, Nick Tortelli is my dad.
You are not my father, and you never will be! Anthony! You only knocked up my ma so she'd have to marry you.
Ma, I'm sorry.
The guy was asking for it.
Come on, Annie, let's go.
Forgive him.
He has the hot passion of his race, and I have the envy of every woman I know.
Well, this is it.
This is the bad luck.
I mean, what could be worse than my kid hating my husband? Look, it's okay.
He's just a kid.
Oh, you don't get it, Eddie.
He's the nicest one I got.
Look, Carla, he's just being protective of his mother.
God knows that I think my maman's the greatest woman on Earth.
And I can only hope that our kids feel the same way.
Are you from this planet? Carla, here's your final paycheck.
Thank I might say that you have been a unique employee, and it's going to be very difficult to fill your uniform.
You don't happen to know any other short, pregnant cocktail waitresses, do you? Yeah, can I help you? Eddie LeBec.
Maman?! Tu es merveilleuse! Je ne peux plus attendre pour que tu rencontre Carla.
Là voil, au bar.
Carla Carla.
Non, Maman Maman Eddie, c'est qu'elle est belle.
Non, non, Maman.
C'est Carla.
( chuckling ) Carla! Non, non, Maman.
No, no, no, no.
Me Rebecca.
Her Carla.
I'm so happy to meet you.
Je ne permettrai jamais mon fils à marier ce petit souris avec le grand ventre.
Maman Maman Je ne permettrai ce mariage noon, avec le Maman.
O, mon Dieu! She says she has to catch a bus.
Maman! I get the feeling she wasn't nuts about me.
What'd she say? What makes you think I'd know? 'Cause all you pompous windbags speak French.
She said she'll never allow this marriage.
Especially to a pregnant hussy who's only trying to trap her son.
Then she said she'd rather be dragged around town by her tongue or else she called you a small grapefruit.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, wait a minute.
Before you say anything, I know what your mother said.
And it doesn't matter to me.
You finally convinced me that our love can conquer any bad luck that comes our way.
I mean it.
Anthony and Annie moving in, your ma hating me, Anthony hating you, twins Every time one of these little piddling things came up, I kept thinking you were going to say the wedding's off.
The wedding's off.
Yeah, that's what I kept expecting you to say.
The wedding's off.
Yeah, yeah, we're all clear on what I thought you'd say.
The wedding's off.
But you never said it.