Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Last Angry Mailman

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Let's just concentrate on the, uh, left side, okay? Yeah.
We have a boy.
No, no, wait, wait.
It's a girl.
It's a boy again.
This is weird.
All right, maybe it's a girl.
I-I Still trying to figure out what Carla is, huh? No, Cliff, we're trying to find out what sex my babies are.
See, if the ring goes back and forth, it's a boy.
If it goes around in a circle, it's a girl.
And if it just dangles there doing nothing, it's a Clavin.
I can tell you something we used to, uh, do on the farm.
We'd take a fresh laid chicken egg and we'd put on a spoon and hold it over the woman's stomach.
If it dipped down, it was female, if not, male.
So how often did you predict the sex of the babies? Never.
This was to predict the sex of the chicken.
All right, you take a spoon, right? ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Sam, you got you room for one more tosspot? Let me have a beer, will you? You betcha.
How you been there, Frasier? Well, you know how it is for a psychiatrist this day and age.
Divorces, hopelessness over financial situations, rampant paranoia.
Thriving, never better.
Oh, and get this.
I just heard a little bit of information about someone with whom we're all acquainted.
Is it juicy? Well, yes.
Could it embarrass someone? Oh, most definitely.
Is it me? No.
Spill it.
Well, I had lunch today with an ex-colleague of mine who attended the University of Connecticut at the same time as a certain Miss Rebecca Howe.
Now, it seems that this particular Rebecca Howe was known as-- well, let's just say it-- the party girl on campus.
( exclaiming ) CARLA: Our Rebecca? Miss Granite Panties? The one who goes through life with her knees bolted together? It's got to be a mistake.
SAM: Yeah, yeah So, does anyone know what college ours went to? It wouldn't surprise me one bit if it was Rebecca.
I don't know.
No, I mean, it's us quiet, reserved types who, when properly stimulated, turn into your average churning hunk of burning funk.
Now, Cliffie, uh, can you tell me exactly at what point in your life you came to that big fork in the road where reality took a left and you hung a sharp right? Excuse me, is there a Cliff Clavin here? Uh, would Mr.
Clavin know what this is about? Yeah, I'm a neighbor of his, Jim McNulty.
His mother said he'd be here.
All right, just a minute.
Uh, Mr.
Clavin, you here for a Jim McNulty? Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, you know how it is.
Some guys in bars don't like you to know they're here.
Hey, Cliff, remember me? Yeah, yeah.
Jim McNulty.
You own a house down at the corner.
You ever going to take those Christmas lights down? Yeah, as soon as a weekend goes by you don't have another garage sale.
Listen, I, uh, I've been going around to good neighbors like yourself hoping I can get your support.
Well, uh what am I looking at here? Oh, it's a petition agreeing not to sell out to these big developers who've been trying to buy up our houses and build mini malls.
( chuckling ) Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo.
You know, new development only increases property values.
I wouldn't sign that petition if you beat me senseless.
You know, it may be too late, but let's give it a try.
You know, I'll never understand people like you.
You got no conscience, no sense of community, no interest in keeping our neighborhood beautiful.
If you, uh, want to beautify the neighborhood, why don't you stay indoors? Yeah, at least I don't live with my mother.
I don't blame you; I've seen your mother.
Yeah, my mother's a saint.
( chuckling ): Yeah-- Saint Bernard.
Oh, yeah? Forget it.
Ah, I'm outta luck.
Somebody's already using the pool table.
The lady in question.
Sam, Sam, find out where she went to college.
Yeah, okay.
Afternoon, Sam.
Hey, boss.
How's business today? Oh, pretty slow.
Me and the guys just sitting around talking about where everybody went to college.
You were? Well, I was wondering what it would be like to go to college.
Well, picture a place with 20,000 people all acting the way you do.
Sounds like fun.
Listen, uh, where did you go to college? The University of Connecticut.
( all laughing ) Am I missing something here? No, no, no, no, not at all.
We, uh, we're just, uh, such big fans of their football team, you know, the fighting insurance salesmen.
Boy, oh, boy.
Don't you just love this Yorkshire pudding, Ma? That's a real delicacy.
The English didn't think so.
Actually, Yorkshire pudding was invented in the late 1770s during a beef shortage.
A person could be given a little bit of beef and soak up the gravy with the pudding, thereby fooling his stomach into thinking he was having a fuller dinner than he actually was.
And you wonder why nobody asks us out anymore.
So how was your day? Ah, okay, Ma.
Oh, our neighbor, Nut Butt McNulty stopped in Cheers today.
He was, uh, circulating some kind of petition.
The one to stop development? Yeah.
I signed it.
( crashing ) You did? Well, who in his right mind wouldn't? Besides you, of course.
( sputtering ) Ma, we-we-we're for progress here.
If we don't stop these people, we could lose our home.
Well, it's probably about time we got out of this rattrap anyway.
This "rattrap" is where you, for want of a better term, grew up.
I think it's time somebody looked at the scrapbook.
Aw, come on, Ma.
Not the scrapbook.
Yes, Clifford, the scrapbook.
Misty watercolor memories of the way we were.
Look at this one.
Ah No, Ma.
I'm not gonna look.
You're not gonna get me this time.
Oh, we had fun that day.
( laughing ) Ma! It is not working.
Oh, I'd forgotten this one.
This has got to be the handsomest picture of you I ever laid eyes on.
Which? Oh, Ma, come on.
My ears are even covered with acne.
I'm your mother, Clifford.
I'm looking at your soul.
Ah, there's me sliding down the old banister.
I always thought you spent entirely too much time doing that.
Eh Eh, it was fun.
Oh, look, there's your favorite hiding place in the closet.
Yeah, yeah.
You used to be in there for hours.
Well, that's 'cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.
Well, look at the result.
You're a very polite young man.
Oh, now there's where we planted the elm tree in the yard.
Oh, you named him Elmer.
And look at our Elmer now.
So tall and strong.
Just like my boy.
Yeah, yeah, I can remember raising him from a sapling, Ma.
I even carved my first slingshot out of his branches.
And cried every winter when the leaves fell.
Yeah, yeah, that tree is like a brother to me, Ma.
Just imagine, you know, something that I planted, and I nurtured, is gonna be there for future generations to enjoy.
Unless they chop it down to put up a Jiffy Lube.
Come on, Ma, they wouldn't do that, would they? They'll do that as soon as look at you.
Well Oh, Ma, no, they won't.
Oh No, Ma They're not gonna cut down my tree! A-and they're not gonna touch this house either! And they're not gonna take our land! That's my boy.
Where are you going? Well, it may sound a little bit silly and all, Ma, but, uh I'm gonna go out there and sit in my tree.
You got right ahead.
Never fails.
Well, uh, interestingly enough, Yorkshire pudding was invented in the 1700s during a beef shortage.
All right, stop everything.
I've got a major news flash.
I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Give, give.
Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as "Backseat Becky.
" ( all laughing ) Boy.
What do you suppose that means? Woody.
What that means is when Miss Cliff, Cliff.
Why don't you let someone who's been there, tell it? Wood, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Miss Howe? Really? You know, uh, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
What? "Let's date 'em.
" Oh, looky here.
You know, something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
What's so funny? Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know.
Different funny nicknames that people have.
Did you ever have a nickname? As a matter of fact, no.
Nothing, huh? Not a Spark or Lefty or Bubba or something? Sorry.
Guys, we ought to give Rebecca, here, a nickname, uh You know, something that, uh, kinda fits her personality.
All right.
Kinda dignified.
Kinda businesslike.
Kinda reserved.
Let me think.
Oh, yeah.
Anybody? ALL: Backseat Becky! ( moans ) Gee, that, uh, that works for me.
I kind of like "Bubba.
" Oh, God.
Then you probably know the whole sordid story.
Well, actually, no.
Well, that's because there isn't one.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Don't worry about that.
Listen, the truth is I'm looking to buy a new car, and I, uh, I need an expert opinion.
Uh now what-what what model do you think has the best rear shocks? ( laughter ) Have you driven a Ford lately? I guess she gives new meaning to the term "four on the floor.
" All right, all right.
If you insist on an explanation, I will give it to you.
You know how sometimes as a joke, you call someone the exact opposite of what they really are? Well, I was really shy in college, so my friends thought it would be a huge gas to call me "Backseat Becky.
" ( faint chuckle ) Well, it's simple, it's, it's logical, and we don't believe it for a second.
Wait a minute.
I-I believe her.
Us virgins have to stick together.
I told you the truth.
If you don't want to believe it, fine, just believe whatever you want.
All right, here's the real truth.
I was very aggressive in college, a real go-getter.
I never took a backseat to anyone.
No, no.
No, Mr.
Cronin, I'm not listening.
The case is closed.
I'm not taking any offers, and that's final.
I'm sorry if I've upset you, Mrs.
Clifford, would you tell this gentleman, please, we're not selling our house? I was just trying to make an offer on your house, and your mother won't listen.
Well, that's because she has got more sense in her bony little frame than you have in your little finger.
Reverse that.
You are not going to run the Clavins off our land.
I don't care what you offer us, you just can't put a price on love, family and our memories.
Take it or leave it-- $250,000.
$200 and Oh, my God, we're rich.
But Ma, Ma, you can't do this.
A Clavin cannot be bought off.
I'm only a Clavin by marriage, Clifford.
Oh Oh, guys, you gotta help me.
She's going to go through with this.
Well, why don't you offer to buy the place back? Sammy, I don't have enough money for a down payment.
Wait a minute.
Can either of you guys lend me $50,000? ( chuckles ) I'm sorry, Cliff, you never paid me back that million from last week.
Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you, Mrs.
Thank you.
Uh uh There! There! Now what are you going to do? Well, first I'm going to take this contract down to the office, and then I'm going to call my wife and ask her what I'm supposed to pick up at the grocery store.
Ah, Ma, but after all we've been through together.
Just last night you were saying how much the house meant to you.
Last night I was poor.
Tonight I'm not.
I never thought I'd have the chance, but now I can go to Florida.
Florida? Oh, for crying out loud.
Who'd ever want to live in that stinkhole? Clifford, I'm doing this as much for you as I am for myself.
You're 39 years old.
It's time to cut the cord.
Ma, I am not leaving that house! Clifford I am not leaving that house! Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to.
Oh! Oh, yeah, fine.
Go off by yourself.
See how you like it.
After a week of cooking your own meals, doing your own dishes, washing your own hair, you'll be back.
Oh, well, well, well, if it isn't the ultimate driving machine.
Okay, okay, I give up.
Look, I'll tell you the real story, but it's kind of personal so can we do this in private? Sure, you bet.
You bet.
Say, if you're too embarrassed to say something, feel free to act it out.
I was living in a women's dorm on campus Mm-hmm.
and one night a fire broke out.
Well, I didn't have time to change my clothes, so I had to run out to the parking lot wearing only a teddy; black, but see-through.
All of a sudden, I was caught in this fire engine's headlights.
I didn't know what to do.
I looked all around, and suddenly, I spotted this open convertible.
I climbed in, and I slunk down to the backseat.
Suddenly, this hulking fireman was standing over me.
He was magnificent.
I looked in his eyes.
I knew what he wanted, and I wanted it, too.
I peeled off his black rubber raincoat.
He ripped off my teddy.
I can still feel the heat on my flesh.
But it wasn't the fire-- it was us.
When it was over, I opened my eyes, and I noticed we weren't alone.
Others had watched and not said a word.
And that's why I'm known as "Backseat Becky.
" Satisfied? Thanks for the story, Carla.
Here's your ten bucks.
Yeah, the $20 one would have killed him.
So wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Why do they call you "Backseat Becky.
" That will cost you a hundred.
Hey, you know, you're kind of a pig.
Maybe we can be friends.
Excuse me.
I've got to find Norm Peterson.
Does Mr.
Peterson know what this is about? Never mind.
There he is.
You got to help me.
I'm desperate.
What? Cliff's locked himself in the house.
No, I've tried everything.
He won't budge.
Ours is the last house on the block scheduled for demolition, and that's today.
I'm at my wit's end.
You got to help me.
I'll talk to him.
I'll see what I can do.
Oh, thank you, Norm.
I hope he doesn't try anything crazy.
The last thing on Earth I want to see is my son's face on the 11:00 news.
There's a whole city out there that agrees with ya.
( machinery clattering loudly ) ( machinery clattering loudly ) ( clattering continues ) ( machinery clattering loudly ) ( clattering continues ) ( clattering continues ) ( whistle blows ) ( machinery stops ) the world's biggest ass! Clifford, now take off those silly handcuffs.
I can't.
I flushed the key.
Norman, go outside and see if you can find some tin snips.
Ask for Biff.
He loaned us the hard hats.
Clifford, sometimes I really worry about you.
Look what they did to Elmer.
I'm sorry, dear, but what can we do? Come on, Ma, you're the one who taught me that if you believe in something, if you really want it, then you're just going to have to fight for it.
The house is sold.
They're going to tear it down.
Well, then I am going down with it.
Clifford, does this house really mean that much to you? Yeah, Ma.
Yeah, it really does.
( voice breaking ): Then it means that much to me, too.
I don't know what we'll do.
We'll find a lawyer.
We're going to fight this together.
We'll save our home.
Oh, Ma, together? Really? Really, son.
Oh! ( Cliff shrieks ) What are you going to with that thing? Cut your handcuffs off.
Yeah? Well, that's a little bit dangerous! What? No, no.
I'm wearing a hard hat.
It's okay.
A hard hat? Get that thing away from me! Cut the post! Isn't that a little drastic? No, Ma, I think we're going to remodel in here anyway.
( engine revving ) ( grunts ) There.
I think we're going to beat this thing.
So do I.
Now we're going to find a lawyer.
But first, I want to treat you boys to a Popsicle! ( laughs ): Oh, Ma.
( wood creaking ) What was that? Ah, probably just a squirrel on the roof.
( wood creaking ) NORM: Big one.
( loud creaking ) Uh-oh! Ma! ( metallic creaking ) ( crashing ) Imagine we got a quarter of a million for this dump.
( door slams shut ) ( glass shatters )