Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - A Kiss is Still a Kiss

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Barkeep, pour me a beer.
Uh-oh, Normie.
Flimflam alert.
Hey, guys, how you doing? Pretty good, Harry.
Good to see you.
It's been a long time.
How long's it been? Well, two to ten, with time off for good behavior.
( cash register rings ) Oh, boy, I need change for this 50.
You need change.
Maybe I can help you, huh? Great.
Hold it, hold it.
Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break.
I'm a reformed man.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you wouldn't mind if we monitored this little transaction.
HARRY: Wouldn't mind at all.
Okay, you got 50 bucks.
Here's one, two, three, four, five.
Norm, what time is it? Gee, my watch must be fast.
I got, uh, 11:25.
you have not aged a day.
How old are you? Oh 39.
You can't be that old.
When were you born? '47.
There you go, barkeep.
Thank you.
Good to see you, guys.
Hey, Sam, long time no see.
What was Harry the Hat doing here? WOODY: He just came in for a beer.
And some change.
Oh ( shouts indistinctly ) ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm.
How's life treating you? It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
Uh, boy, I'd love to, man, but I don't have a dime to my name.
And my boat sank and everything Yeah, I know-- the bottom of the Caribbean.
What is that, the 17th or 18th time we heard that speech? Oh, hey, Normie? Listen, that was great meat loaf last night, huh? It was, wasn't it? You know, uh, Cliff, I've been meaning to talk to you.
Hmm? I don't mind you staying with us for a little while till you get your new place, but, uh, it's beginning to be a little bit of a problem for Vera.
The dishes, the bed, the way you leave the bathroom in the morning.
( laughs ): You got to start leaving something for her to do, pal.
I mean, she wants to spend time with me.
Booze, Woody, and quickly.
What's the matter, Dr.
Crane? Oh, I'm devastated.
I need something expeditious and brutal to numb my sensibilities and blast me into sweet oblivion.
How about a boilermaker? Make it a mimosa.
What's got you so upset? Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.
Sounds like a shoot-out at the cuckoo corral.
What could motivate an honored and distinguished colleague to launch a personal attack like this? Well, now, maybe it's just a, you know, honest difference of opinion between scholars.
Oh, goose poop, Sam, the man's a yahoo.
Hey, Sammy? Mm-hmm.
You want to see what makes Rebecca's loins ache? Sure.
Well, he just walked in.
It's the great and powerful Evan Drake.
See to my table upstairs.
Uh, yes, sir.
She's skipping the thrill ride that's Sammy Land for that? While I think of it, take care of that telex to Paris.
First thing tomorrow.
Uh, yes, sir.
What's she see in him? Money, power, prestige.
Yeah, but I'm several inches taller than him.
Sam Malone.
Evan Drake.
How do you do? I've been looking forward to meeting you.
I was a big fan of yours.
Any fan of mine is certainly welcome here, especially one who could fire me like a shot.
What can I get you? You got some 20-year-old Scotch? Uh, no, but we got some pretzels that have been around for a while here.
( laughs ) How about a Dewar's, huh? That'll do it.
So, Mr.
Drake, things are going pretty good at the old bar.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
We sank a lot of bucks into it.
Oh, boy, don't talk to me about sinking, man.
I lost my boat and Yeah, I heard.
I remember watching you pitch, Sam.
I'll bet you got a lot of great stories, huh? Well, yeah.
I got a million of 'em.
Hold still, I'll be right there.
Drake, they're ready for you upstairs now.
I'll tell them to wait.
You know how people are always catching you naked when you don't want them to? Well, this time Can you settle an argument here? How much you figure a guy like that pays for his socks? I don't want to talk to anybody I've seen those at Barney's.
They're about ( chuckles ) Even I pay a dollar for mine.
SAM: The next thing I know, there's a guys standing next to me So there I am in the locker room signing the game ball for this guy, buck naked.
I tell you, I'll never forget his name, because it was so unusual.
Peter Ueberroth-- the Baseball Commissioner? Uh, that's where the story kind of falls apart.
I'll be right back.
Where you been? I had to change a flat.
Drake's here.
Carla, don't even think of joking about that.
Hello, Mr.
( squeals ) Oh, my God.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I look messy.
Close your eyes.
Not you, Woody.
An attractive woman.
A little jumpy, though.
Yeah, but she makes it work somehow, doesn't she? You know, some of the guys down at corporate have asked her out, but she always shot them down.
You tried your luck with her yet? Oh, no.
I have a rule about not dating people I work with.
Struck out, huh? Every time.
Yeah, you know, some of the guys there in the office think she's a What? a lady's lady.
Rebec? Oh, no.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
I would have been here sooner, but I was working on my car.
Uh well, I got a lunch partner.
Well, you know it was really nice to see you again.
Even if it was just for a short while.
Oh, by the way, I'm hosting a little party Friday night for some of the key people.
I would love it if you could come.
Oh, Mr.
Drake, I'd-I'd-I'd-I'd really love that.
That's great.
black tie.
Yeah, here's the address.
And bring a date.
Uh, or a companion, or whatever.
I wonder what he meant by "a companion or a whatever.
" Who knows? ( chuckles ) What's so funny? Uh, well, it seems that the love of your life there thinks that because he's never seen you date anybody that maybe you well, prefer ladies.
You-you set him straight, didn't you? Based on what? God, I I can't believe this.
He's all I ever think about, and now he thinks that I'm Yeah, yeah, it's a nutty world, isn't it? You know something, though-- I'm bet you could change his mind real quick if you were to show up at his party just crawling all over this incredibly good-looking, hot, macho stud.
You for instance? You recognized the description.
Look, Sam, just because I put my work before my social life, does not mean I don't have boyfriends.
I have boyfriends.
I could pick up that phone and have a dozen dates for Friday night.
Yeah, but could you get one as great looking as I am? Blindfolded, gagged and with both hands tied behind my back.
We were just talking about a party Friday night.
Sammy, where is it, and what time should I be there? Good evening, Sam.
Can I, uh, get a glass of water.
( hiccups ) Got the hiccups, huh? Yes.
It's merely psychosomatic.
( hiccups ) I guess I'm still upset about that journalistic stab in the back.
( hiccups ) You ought to put a bag over your head.
No, no.
I'd look ridiculous.
I'm just going to do what my mother always taught me.
( Sam chuckles ) Oh, yeah, you're right, the bag would look silly.
( hiccups ) Oh, damn.
Wow, Miss Howe.
You look pretty enough to take to a barn dance.
REBECCA: Thank you.
Sam, when I'm gone tonight, I want Why are you wearing a tuxedo? Why does Superman wear a cape? To rescue people.
This is your big party night, isn't it? Yes.
He did tell you to invite somebody, didn't he? Yes, and I did-- an old boyfriend Ryan.
Oh, really? Yes, and it wasn't an easy decision.
Yeah, I'll bet not.
I thought about asking Steve, but he had a modeling gig in New York.
And then Jean Pierre is such a bore.
Keep humming, though.
Keep humming.
( humming ) Keep it up.
Keep humming.
come on.
I think it worked.
( hiccups ) CARLA: Frasier, I'm telling you, you should put a bag on your head.
Carla, I'm not putting any ( hiccups ) bag on my head.
( hiccups ) Oh, give me the damn bag.
( hiccups ) CLIFF: You know what else I found works, is putting a lemon in your mouth.
Wait a minute, you can actually get a whole lemon in your mouth? Well, young man, let's take a trip over to Mr.
Wizard's laboratory.
Yeah? Woody What's this message, "Urgent.
See Woody"? Oh, right.
Uh, Ryan from the escort service called, said there a mistake in the booking.
He couldn't make it tonight.
Said to be discrete about it.
That's why I wrote the note that way.
Sweetheart, can you help me with my cufflinks? Sam, you are not going with me.
No way.
An escort service? You couldn't get a date from an escort service? I am not going with you.
There are a lot of people that hang out here that I'd rather be seen with.
Crane would probably enjoy a stylish evening with refined company.
I'm cured.
I think I'm cured.
I think I'm cured! SAM: Just remember now, I don't go all the way on the first date.
( indistinct conversations ) Do you think that's her? This is ridiculous.
Listen, uh, why don't you let me freshen your drink up there, and I'll find out if that's his wife.
I'm not even thirsty.
Don't be obvious.
Uh, do that again there, will you, partner? Nice party.
Ah, glad you like it.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess I was way off base about Rebecca, wasn't I? Oh, yeah, way off, way off.
On the way over in the car, she was all over me like a cat in heat.
Say, uh, I haven't met your wife here.
Oh, no, that's not her.
Uh, she's in Bora Bora.
Oh, uh, visiting family? ( chuckling ) Actually, we're, uh, we're separated, Sam.
Oh, oh, well, that's too bad, 'cause she's missing a heck of a party here.
Well, thanks a lot.
Well? She's in Bora Bora.
They're separated.
I knew it.
I knew it, I knew it.
You know, I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit confused here.
The red sauce is for the shrimp, and the mustard's for the egg roll.
That's not what I meant.
But thanks.
No, I was just wondering why haven't you made a play for this guy? I mean, how long have you been carrying a torch? It's not a torch.
What a silly expression.
I am not carrying a torch.
All right.
Two years.
Two years? You haven't dated? You haven't done anything with anybody for two years? My God, what happens to a person's body? You haven't given him a clue? You didn't how you feel or anything? Oh, sweetheart.
You got to tell him tonight before you explode or something.
I can't.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Well, hell, I'll tell you what.
Let's rehearse it right here, just the two of us.
You really think that'll work? Absolutely-- just pretend that I'm Mr.
Drake here, and you've finally gotten me alone and you're going to tell me.
Drake No Evan.
Evan No, no.
With feeling.
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
Now, uh, run your hand up my thigh, here.
Wait a minute No, no, trust me.
Guys think that's charming.
I just want to leave.
Hey, listen.
You're never gonna find a better time than this.
I mean, he just separated with his wife, he's here alone, we're at a party, you look terrific.
Now, call me crazy, but this could be the perfect moment.
You're right.
I have to seize the moment.
There you go.
Good girl.
Drake? Yes, Rebecca? Take me.
What the hell are you doing? I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sam, I think she needs to go home.
No, I don't need to go home.
Good night.
I'm humiliated.
I know.
Come on.
And disgraced.
I'm going to kill myself.
I still think that thigh thing would have been charming.
( phone rings ) Cheers.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Yeah, just a minute.
Hi, Vera.
That's great news.
Here, she wants to talk to you.
Me? Huh.
So, uh, what's the good news? That she wants to talk to you.
Yeah, Vera.
Oh? Well, uh, uh, you following the recipe exactly? Oh, gee, no, Vera, look.
It's supposed to be two cups of water, not vinegar.
No, uh, get ahold of yourself, now, Vera.
Y-y-you're making a cake, not building a bomb.
He obviously hasn't had her tuna casserole.
( weepy muttering ) ( jukebox begins playing ) Hello, young lovers Wherever you are I hope your troubles are few ( record scratches, music stops ) ( muttering ) Stupid.
Hey, Woody.
Where is Rebecca? Uh, she was just playing the jukebox then she went into the office.
Thank you.
I'll be right over.
Oh, I gotta get over there, Normie.
She's-she's up to her armpits in batter.
You don't mind if I stay, Cliff.
I've already seen that.
Don't blame me.
I told you to talk to the guy, not inhale his gum.
I couldn't help myself.
Yeah, well, at least you know how he feels now-- he's not interested.
Who wanted to know that? You did.
You were miserable not knowing.
I was happy being miserable.
Now you've ruined it.
Oh, listen.
Now, just Come on, sit down here, will you? Relax, please.
Just, you know, just Could I have this? I'm probably gonna lose my job.
Oh, right.
He's gonna come over here and fire you because of one lousy kiss.
Talk about paranoid.
( knocking ) Miss Howe.
Drake's here to see you.
Talk about coincidence.
I'm dead.
No, you're not.
Now, I'll take care of this.
Uh Woody, can you stall for a minute there? Sure.
You know, in high school, I entered the 4-H Club Not us, Woody-- him, him.
Not us, him.
Out there, boy.
Come on.
Okay? Sure, Sam.
Would it have killed you to be a little more specific? What am I going to do? Well, just wait.
Uh Well, all right, I'll-I'll go out there and I'll tell him, uh, that you were bombed and that it didn't mean anything.
Wonderful image.
A girl goes to a party and gets hammered, then turns promiscuous.
Well, all right, all right, uh I'll-I'll tell him that, uh, that you were trying to make me jealous 'cause you're crazy in love with me.
That's Let me see.
My choices are I'm a boozy slut or a complete idiot.
I'd go with the idiot.
I already did.
So, that's how we knew, beyond a doubt, that we were putting way, way too much bran in the pig's fodder.
Hi, Evan.
Oh, Sam What are you doing here, huh? Well, I was on my way to the airport, and I thought I'd come by here and clear this matter up before I left.
Oh, yeah, listen, I gotta tell you, that whole thing at the party was my fault.
I mean, we had had a little tiff, and she was trying to make me jealous.
Yeah, I figured it was something like that.
Well, I better go back there and apologize to her.
Wait, wa You're going to apologize? Well, yeah, I overreacted.
I was a little rough on her.
Uh, actually, uh, give me a second here, will you? Um She probably needs to freshen up.
She's pretty upset by this whole thing.
Her mascara's probably down in her shoes by now.
How much do I owe you for that, bartender? Oh, no charge, Mr.
I mean, after all, you kind of own the place.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll pay for it.
Credit card okay? Sure.
All right.
I'll need to see a driver's license.
Listen, I did my best.
I mean, I gave him the jealousy story, but he just didn't buy it.
I tell you, man, he is really steamed.
You know, he said that if, uh, if you were really in love with me, that he might understand.
You know, that it would explain everything, but he just didn't buy that.
Oh, God, what am I going to do? I don't know.
I don't know.
Unless Unless what? What? Ah No, no, yeah, yeah, that wouldn't work.
No, no, what? Tell me, please.
Well, all right, well, maybe, you know, if well, if he were to walk in here and find you kissing me more passionately than you kissed him Forget it, forget it, forget it.
All right all right.
You know, you never give up.
You are always on the make.
Let me tell you something, buster.
All right.
I still have a little self-respect.
I have a little pride.
( knocking ) Have it your way.
( clearing throat ) Oh.
Sorry, Evan, there.
I didn't, uh, didn't hear you come in there.
You know how it is with young lovers, here.
We just can't keep our hands off each other.
You're a lucky man, Sam.
Oh, yeah, you're telling me.
Well, this little honey of mine gives me a lot of good loving, don't you? Sure do, punkin.
Well, I just came by to apologize for how I reacted earlier.
Apologize? To me? Well, yeah, I told Sam outside.
You told Sam? Gotcha.
So why don't we just not say anything more about it? I think that's a great idea.
Uh, let me walk you to the car here.
No, no.
I think we should say nothing more about this.
Sam, get back here.
Some women just can't get enough.
You haven't met my wife, Sam.
SAM: Oh Oh Good night.
Hey, listen.
Come on.
I'm just having a little fun with you.
You know, I know why you're upset.
You found out something in that room you hadn't counted on.
Your true feelings were revealed.
What? No woman can kiss like that and not mean it.
Are you nuts? No, no, no.
No, it can't be done.
You can't fake passion like that.
Oh, is that right? Hey, Fras.
Nice try.
Frasier? Frasier? ( Frasier hiccups )