Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - My Fair Clavin

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, how about a couple of beers? I'm afraid I'm going to have to see some ID.
All righty.
Thank you.
And If I can see yours, please.
Why don't we just forget about it.
Let's just get out of here.
Guys, guys, wait a minute.
Before you run screaming from here, let me ask you something.
This friend of mine is having twins.
All right, it's me.
Now, I don't care if they call each other cute little names like "Chipper and Skipper," or if they pretend to be each other, make their teachers' lives a living hell.
See, what worries me is that they'll have ESP, you know, and they'll communicate silent, evil thoughts and I won't know what they're saying about me.
You think that's weird? Well? We're discussing it.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Listen up, everybody.
Clifford Clavin has decided to make a major life change.
Don't bother-- you'd be a dorky woman, too.
That's a good one, Carla.
A good one.
NORM: All right, Cliffie.
What's up, bud? There's a new condo complex going up on my route.
You know, one of those places filled with beautiful people having the time of their lives.
I said to myself, Clifford C.
, you'd take to that place like a fish takes to water.
All slimy with your eyes bulging out? Shouldn't you be squatting in a field somewhere, Carla? Well, make a long story short, I am, uh, Boston's newest homeowner.
Bought a condo.
NORM: Hey.
Wait, wait.
That means you're moving out on me? Normie, I can't live with you forever.
Well, you can't do that.
Who's gonna mix Vera's cocoa? Who's gonna rub her feet? Who's gonna talk to her? Normie, I'm afraid you're just gonna, uh, have to pick up the slack.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not me.
Maybe I can hire some high school kid.
Did everybody see that? Yes, I've started smoking again.
I've been under a lot of pressure, and I needed something to calm my nerves, all right? And I don't want to hear any stupid remarks about yellow fingernails or kissing ashtrays, and if you use the phrase "coffin nails," you better be a mortician.
Any questions, comments, snide remarks? No? Good.
Well, it certainly has calmed her down.
Uh, excuse me.
You know, I have to apologize.
I feel like this is my fault.
What are you talking about? Well, obviously you started smoking again because you got some sort of pent up sexual frustration going on.
And I don't think we have to tell each other who's responsible for that, now do we? Oh.
Come on, I'm just trying to help here, you know? You know what you ought to do, you ought to come on over to Dr.
Sammy's Stop Smoking Center.
Today's special is a free chest exam.
Sam, is this one of those two-week programs with a simple two-day follow-up? ( doorbell chimes ) ( chuckling ): Those guys.
Come on in.
( music playing outside ) Hey.
( chuckles ) What a surprise, you guys.
Welcome to Chez Cliff.
Sounds like party central out there.
Well, I just hope that they can, uh, keep up with the Chairman of the Broads.
( laughing ) Cliffie, I brought you the traditional housewarming gift.
Whoa, six-pack.
Well, a five-pack.
Well, uh, so, you guys ready for the grand tour? Okay.
Right here we have the living room.
Right over here is the bedroom.
Hey, slow down, let me catch my breath here.
Whoa, almost forgot the kitchen.
Yeah, I think the builder did, too.
Let me, huh, put these beers on ice here.
Yeah, good idea.
It's not too cold in here, buddy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I noticed that, Normie.
I think it's the, uh, amalgamator valve.
I've been meaning to strip it down, check out the engine, you know.
I think I better put, uh, some more Freon in the regulator, too.
Or else you could just turn this little dial to cold.
Well, yeah, if you're you know, you want to take a stopgap approach.
Oh, hey, did you notice the pool on your way in? Yeah.
So when, uh, summer rolls around, and all those girls are out there in their French cut bikinis, I don't have to tell where I'll be.
Standing right here with a pair of binoculars? That's right.
Boy, oh, boy.
Hey, thanks for coming by, you guys, but, you know, I don't mean to be rude, but, uh, I got to ask you to skedaddle.
I got somebody soft and sweet with a voice like a nightingale coming over.
Who, the busboy from Melville's is coming over here? No, no, Woody.
Ruben's not coming over here.
It's a it's one of the women in the building.
Wait a minute, Cliffie.
Are we actually talking a female here? Oh I mean, a real, live, breathing woman, three-dimensional, no posters, no polyurethane? Well you know, Normie, Sally is the real McCoy, and she is one gorgeous babe, to boot.
All right, well, this I got to see, Cliffie.
Yeah, maybe we could stick around and meet your lady friend, huh? Uh, no, you know, I, uh, guys, I really don't think that's a very good idea.
Well, why don't you bring her by the bar or something? Well, you know, I've been trying to get the woman to go out, Normie, but, uh, she just wants to stay, uh, held up here in our little hideaway.
I guess I'm her love hostage.
Well, that's something I definitely don't care to see.
Good to see you.
( music playing outside ) Hey, if I'm not down at the bar, send out a missing swinger's report.
( doorbell rings ) ( clears throat ) Hi.
Hi, Sally.
Guess what? I have great news.
What? I was named employee of the month at the Yarn Barn.
Well, I tied.
That's-that's really great news, Sally.
I'm really happy for you.
So I was thinking maybe to celebrate, we could go out.
( chuckles ) I got a-a better idea.
Why don't, uh we just stay in? Oh, Cliff, we've done that every night this week.
I was thinking maybe we could go to that bar you're always talking about.
You're kidding.
That dive? Uh, you know, uh, Sally, I, uh spend all day, you know, walking around, uh, uh, outside, and, you know, at the end of the day, I just like to come back to my own little apartment here and just sort of relax and take it easy and, uh get my tensions relieved, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean.
I'll get the lights, huh? Fine, I'll-I'll just get comfortable.
And I'll, uh, meet you on the sofa in about five seconds.
All right.
Have you got the, uh, you know? Oh, yeah.
ANNOUNCER: And now, here's the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.
TREBEK: Thank you.
Welcome once again to our show.
We are delighted, of course, to welcome back our returning champion, the lady from Boca Raton Uh-oh.
Here comes Madame Nicotine.
I just had the most disgusting morning of my life.
Ooh, can't wait to hear about it.
I just spent the last hour at a no-smoking clinic looking at pictures of ugly ashtrays, rooms filled with smoke, people coughing.
And the worst one was a cigarette snuffed out in the yolk of a fried egg.
Bet that stopped you from wanting a cigarette, eh? No, but I think it's put me off eggs for good.
I'll be in the office, chewing on my hair.
This is going to be fun.
Carla, what are you doing? I am going to torment her with this fresh pack of cigarettes.
No, Carla, you mustn't! Carla, now, granted, she's been in rather a foul mood lately, but Rebecca has made a serious life decision, and what she needs now more than anything else is encouragement and support, and I for one am not going to fail her.
Oh, Rebecca? REBECCA: What do you want, Bone Dome?! Here, try these.
They're menthols.
Next case.
Crane, I-I'm really sorry.
I think I'm just a little on edge.
Look, I apologize, too.
I behaved very unprofessionally.
It's just that I'm really frustrated because I can't seem to kick this habit.
Well, listen, may I suggest something that seems to have worked for many of my patients? Changing doctors? Thank you, Carla, no.
You're engaged right now in a psychological battle with your will.
Now, you've got to bring to the foreground every weapon available.
Promise yourself that if you smoke one more cigarette, you'll do the most disgusting, repulsive thing you can imagine.
Crane, I can't even imagine ( whistling ) Sam Malone if I smoke another cigarette, I'll go to bed with you.
( glass breaking ) Darn thing's on the blink again.
Excuse me, ( clearing throat ) Rebecca? What? Uh, there's a problem I'd like to talk over with you.
I am really trying to quit, all right? Oh, no, no, no, it's not about that.
It's, uh I met this girl.
And? Oh.
People usually stop me at that point.
Anyway, uh night after night I keep begging her to come down to the bar and meet the guys, but she just won't come.
Just wants to stay at home and watch Jeopardy.
Uh, I think that maybe she's a little-little bit ashamed about the way she looks, and she's afraid she might embarrass me.
So, uh, you got any suggestions, or what can I do? Let me see here.
Um Oh.
Have you ever seen those beauty magazine makeovers? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Well, then what are you bugging me for? Oh, wait a minute.
If you ever see me with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, would you do me a favor? What's that? Kill Sam.
Did you, uh, dab lip gloss on your eyelashes so they sparkle like the North Star? SALLY: Yes, Cliff.
I'm coming out now.
Listen, don't stand too close, okay? Try me from a distance first.
All right, I'm backing up.
All clear! Wow.
Gee, thanks, Cliff.
Oh, isn't it about time for Jeopardy? Huh? Jeopardy.
Uh All right.
Uh Why don't we go out? Really, Cliff? Sure.
I'll-I'll just, um, go do a little more blending, and then we'll go.
I'll just, uh, be out here on the front porch and catch a little breath of fresh air.
I got a fox! Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla.
Ladies room, ladies room.
No, I'm not following her in there again, Sam.
I'm one puff away from paradise.
Come on.
There's only so much polite conversation you can make yelling over a stall.
Cliff, this isn't a dive.
Well, no, by a dive, I meant that, uh it was below street level.
Oh, right.
( nervous chuckle ) Yeah, let me introduce you to my cronies.
but I gotta warn you first, they can be a little bit crude, all right? Hey, guys.
Va-va-va-voom, huh? Hello.
I, uh, thought we'd met all of Cliff's cousins.
Oh, I'm not his cousin.
No, she's my date.
Would you like a little seat here? I'll get you something to drink.
Nice to meet you.
WOODY: Well, I'll tell you.
She's what guys back down on the farm where I come from would call ethereal.
Woody, where exactly was this farm? A couple of beers, there, Wood man.
You got something on her, don't you? You found something incriminating in her mail.
For God's sake, Cliff, just ask her for money.
Don't be vicious.
Look, look, look, is it so hard for you people, and whatever you are, Carla, to believe that, uh, this, uh, beautiful woman would go out with me on her own accord? No, of course not, Cliff.
I can think of any number of reasons why a woman might behave that way.
You can? Well, of course, but remember I'm a psychiatrist.
So, hey, w-where's Sammy? I wanna show him one gorgeous Bostonian that slipped through his net.
He's over there hauling her in.
Ho! Ahem! Sammy! Oh, Sammy.
Oh, young fellow.
Oh-ho, boy.
Oh, Cliff, do you know each other? Oh, yeah.
Can I have a word with you, Sammy? Yeah, see, she's with me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Excuse us, Sally.
Hey, she is one very pretty lady.
Yeah, thank you, Sam.
Another one of your, uh, cousins? She's my date.
Really? Well, is she, um? Well, we think so.
Well, congratulations, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, Sam, about that over there No, I'm sorry.
I want to apologize if I was out of line there, but, well, the truth is, you're gonna have to expect that kind of thing happening from now on.
What do you mean? Well, she's definitely a major-league looker, there, Cliff.
I mean, guys are gonna be hitting on her all the time.
Ah, you don't have to worry about that, Sammy.
Sally is a one-man woman.
Better check your arithmetic there.
Hmm? Ho! ( clears throat ) Hey, Sally.
Cliff, look who's here.
It's Jeff.
From 325.
Hey, I-I know you.
You're the guy with the binoculars.
Uh, Sally, I think it's, uh, about time we, uh, vamoose out of here.
You know, Jeopardy's going to be starting in a little while.
Let's go, Sally.
Listen, uh, Jeff just got a new Porsche Turbo and he wants to take me for a ride.
You don't mind, do you? Well, uh We'll just be gone a few minutes.
You don't mind, do you.
Oh, no.
No, I-I don't mind.
( chuckles ): That's fine.
I don't care.
I don't mind at all.
( clears throat ) Beer here, Woody.
Excuse me, excuse me.
What was that lady doing in there? Oh, oh, no, no, no.
You know no, you don't understand.
See, we W-Wait a minute.
We have we have this little bet between us.
Let me let me explain here.
See, I get to go to bed with her if she smo Ow! All right, fine.
ALEX TREBEK: Jamie Kelt is a correct response, but you forgot to phrase that in the form of a question.
That's why they call it Jeopardy.
Beer, Sam, please.
Are you okay, Cliff? However, you get to make the next selection.
Jeopardy used to be our show, Normie.
It's just not the same watching it by myself.
I just don't know if I can go on without her.
She's only been gone for ten minutes.
Yeah, I had to make her beautiful, Normie.
I've created a beautiful monster.
What am I going to do? What is Paraguay? WOMAN: What is Paraguay? TREBEK: Right.
Yeah! All right! Well, thanks a lot, Normie.
What is Notre Dame?! WOMAN: What is Notre Dame? TREBEK: That's right.
Ooh, yeah! Hey, hey, hey, Carla.
Do you smell smoke? Come here.
Of course I smell smoke, you dink.
It's a bar.
I can also smell beer, sweat and lousy tips.
No, no, no, no.
No, she's smoking in there.
I knew she couldn't last this long.
Oh A-ha! Oh, uh hey, uh, where's the pool table? Ah, wrong room.
( laughing ) I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I'm not going to say I knew it, but I knew it.
I knew it.
Now, this was your idea, too.
I did not come up with this.
This is your idea.
What a great idea! Oh! ( laughing ) Well, what do you say? Uh, shall we, uh, strip down to our smiles here and show the, uh show the couch here a good time? No.
We'll go to my place.
Excuse me? Ooh! You're really going to go through with this, aren't you? Yes, I am, but I want to get one thing straight.
Ooh, yeah, yeah.
My smoking has nothing to do with sexual frustration over you or anyone else.
It's just a stupid habit.
But I made a pact, so now I'm going to suffer the consequences no matter how vile or disgusting they may be.
Let's go.
Well You don't really want to do this, do you? No, it's all right.
I'll just close my eyes and imagine someone appealing.
Besides, I have a feeling it won't take long.
You know, gee whiz, you know, if-if you're not going to get in the spirit of this, then I-I just don't want to do it.
No, come on, come on, a deal's a deal.
Look, I made a pact.
I just want to get it over with.
No, I don't want to do it.
You know, I have some pride.
I have some dignity.
I'll tell you what.
You find someone else to do your dirty work.
Thinks she can mess with Sam Malone.
What happened? She asked me to go to bed with her, and I said no.
Oh! Oh, Cliff, I have never driven so fast in my whole life.
I had the best time.
Eh, great, great.
So did I.
Cliff, is something the matter? No, uh, nothing's the matter.
What could be the matter? I'll tell you what's the matter, Little Miss Porsche.
Try to do a girl a favor, help her become a little bit more attractive, and next thing you know, she's out there attracting people.
Is that what's bothering you? This makeup? Is that what all this is about? Well, yeah, you got to admit, before you put it on, you were a a sweet thing who, uh was content to sit by a dear friend's side on an evening and watch a rousing, wholesome game of Jeopardy.
So all I have to do to make things right between us is take off all this silly makeup and go back to being the way I was? Wow, you you'd do that for me? No way.
I like the way I look in makeup.
Wait till they get a load of me at the Yarn Barn.
It makes you look like a cover girl.
( laughs ) I'm sorry, Cliff.
That's what you're stuck with.
You're just going to have to learn to live with it.
Well, I guess I'm big enough of a person not to let your appearance get in the way of our relationship.
I'm glad.
Besides, appearances don't matter at all.
Of course they don't.
Like, it doesn't bother me that you wear those funny white socks.
Of course it doesn't.
Or that it looks as if you trim your mustache with a butter knife.
Eh, another fine example.
Cliff, have you ever considered joining a gym? Oh, you ever considered wearing flats? I can help you with that smoking problem, you know.