Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Christmas Cheers

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
WOMAN ( on TV ): Oh, George, George, George George, George.
Oh.
George Honey, are you real? Hot buttered rum and an Irish coffee.
( laughter on TV ) Oh, no! Not It's a Wonderful Life again.
Mm-hmm.
How many times a day are they gonna show this golden moldy? Six.
From now until New Year's on Channel 13, it's a wonderful month.
This flick is so sweet, it makes my teeth ache.
Uh-oh.
Stupid alert.
I can guarantee you from my days in accounting that if you run short at the bank, everyone in town does not dash over, cash in hand, to bail you out.
auld lang syne Oh.
Oh, here comes the gooshiest part.
Oh.
Oh, have they no shame? Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! For auld lang syne We'll drink a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne ( voice breaking ): Can I have a Kleenex, Sam? Must have got something in my eye.
( sniffling ) Yeah, me, too.
For auld lang syne.
( choked up ): Must be something in the air.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, good afternoon, all you warmhearted and generous people.
NORM: Cliffy.
What's with the box? Well, the, uh, postal carriers are having a food drive, and if you, uh, good samaritans fill this box with canned goods, I'll, uh, win a free trip to Disney World.
Yeah.
Imagine that-- Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride and me.
( chuckling ) NORM: So, who are the cans for? CLIFF: Uh, I don't know.
Poor, needy, somebody like that.
Boy, they make such a fuss about Mother Teresa.
Excuse me there, Doctor, but, uh, do I, uh, detect a wry note of cynicism there in your comments? Cynical? Me? How could I possibly be cynical? Living in a nation in which we celebrate the holy birth of a babe in a manger with Perry Como in Hawaii.
Hey, boss lady, what you all duded up for? You mean, why am I not wearing a sweatshirt and plastic earrings? Yeah.
'Cause I just came from the company Christmas party.
SAM: Ooh! Did you corner Mr.
Drake under the mistletoe and make nice-nice? None of your business.
Oh, Rebecca didn't get her Christmas goose.
But I did have plenty of time to make out next week's schedule.
Whoa, whoa, wait a second here.
You got us working on Christmas Eve.
That's a holiday.
No, Christmas is a holiday.
Well, it's a holiday eve.
I'm gonna pay you all time and a half.
No.
Hey.
No, forget it.
We cannot be bought.
I can.
Sweetheart, don't you want to be home with your family? Would you? Good point, good point.
Uh, Woody Uh, Woody can't work.
He has to go back to Indiana, be with his folks.
Not this year, Sam.
I'm a big boy now.
I got commitments in the city.
I landed a part in our children's theater production of The Story of Snow.
I play the King of the Flakes.
Hmm.
That'd be a stretch.
Listen We only have a matinee on Christmas Eve, so I'd be happy to work that night, encores permitting.
Great.
Oh, and just so you guys know I'm not pulling rank, I'm scheduled to work that night, too.
No.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, no way am I punching the clock on one of the most sacred of family nights in the whole year.
Oh, and what do you have planned? An intimate little dinner with one of your nieces? She makes it sound so cheap.
Oh, joy.
Christmas Eve.
By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter those heartfelt words-- "Is this all I got?" I hope you're not hanging that there for my benefit.
Are you kidding me? Who'd want to kiss somebody who makes everyone else work on Christmas Eve? Oh, all right.
The reviews are in.
We're a hit! ( patrons murmuring ) MAN: Good for you, Woody.
Let's, uh, take a peek.
MAN: Congratulations.
Okay.
"The Story of Snow was way excellent.
"I think any kid in Miss Pedesta's class who misses it is a full-on goon.
" And that from the kid who panned Goldilocks.
Yeah.
WOODY: Yeah.
I'm gonna call my mom and read it to her.
Yeah? Boy, I'll tell you, I sure am glad I stayed in Boston after all.
If I was home right now, I'd just be sitting around listening to my aunt and uncle talk about who's dead and who's sick and who lost part of their head in a thresher.
Hello, Mom? ( crying ): I miss you all so much.
Would you look at the poor slob? Forced to humiliate himself in some stupid outfit just to make a few bucks for the holiday season.
Yeah, why doesn't he just wear a sign, "Loser for hire?" Hey, Peterson? You're late again.
I'm not covering for you this time.
No, no.
I think you have the wrong Peterson.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, when you find the right one, would you tell him not to sweat in the hat so much? Well guess I'm busted.
( tapping countertop ) Okay, I didn't mention anything to you guys, 'cause I thought that you guys just might razz me a little bit about being a Santa Claus over at Nagle's.
That was you? Mm.
That's what my kid meant when she says that "Santa smells like the place where Mommy works.
" WOODY: A-Are you making the stuffing bone dry, the way I love it? Ooh.
Well, can't you freeze some and mail it to me? Well, no, not the gravy.
That would be stupid.
My mother.
( Woody speaking indistinctly ) Oh, God.
Can you believe Rebecca? As long as one customer stays, we all stay.
It's 10:30.
The guy's been nursing the same drink for over an hour.
Yeah, I wish he'd hurry the hell up so we could get out of here.
WOODY: Christmas tree's okay Presents are all wrapped.
Mm.
All the kids are in bed.
And Eddie's waiting up for me so that we could exchange our goodies in private.
You don't wait until Christmas morning to open your presents? Oh, yeah, but we like to exchange our goodies in private.
Hey, you know what? Let's you, me and Woody exchange presents right now, and when he leaves, we can leave.
Come on.
Oh, good idea, yeah.
Ooh.
Dad repainted the Wise Men? Well, is Balthazar still black? Hey, Woody, Woody, as soon as you're finished, we're gonna exchange presents.
Okay, Mom, got to go now.
Love you.
Bye.
Here you go, Sam.
Here you go, Carla.
Oh, hey Oh, no, wait.
That Miss Howe's.
You you got something for Rebecca? Well, it's nothing special.
It's just an antique silver frame with a silhouette of her face that I cut out in black velvet.
Wow.
Oh, I'm glad you like it, 'cause I got you the same thing.
Well, it's your face.
Yeah, I better give her my present now, too.
You-you gave Rebecca a present, too? You don't even like her.
What are you doing? It's a Christmas tradition, Sam.
It's called kissing up.
Yeah, and besides, I'd sure feel like a doofus if I didn't get anything for Miss Howe, and she got all those wonderful presents for us.
Oh, man! I didn't get her anything.
Oh, well, don't feel bad, Sam.
I mean, just because everybody else got her something.
The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender-- that guy she fired after one day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait a minute, though.
All those guys are just trying to get her in the sack.
I got some shopping to do.
All right, Happy New Year! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah.
Now get lost.
I can't.
Why not? I'm expecting friends.
Oh, yeah, right.
Merry Christmas, Al.
Merry Christmas.
MAN: Well, hello, hi! Merry Christmas, Al.
Merry Christmas, Al.
Hello.
How are you? ( loud chatter ) Buon Natale.
Feliz Navidad.
Joyeux Noel.
Merry Christmas and shalom.
Ditto.
Now go home.
And take ten of these deadbeats with you.
Oh, would that I could, Carla, but Lady Bountiful here insists on doling out these obligatory gifts so that people will pretend they like us in the New Year.
My little Scrooge.
If he doesn't cheer up, Santa's going to give him a lump of coal and make him sleep on the couch.
Merry, merry.
Thanks.
Happy, happy.
All right.
Where's Sam? I've got a little something for him.
Oh, he went to buy a gift for Miss Howe.
Oh, too bad he didn't wait around.
He could have just given her this.
I don't think so.
That's mentholated preshave for tough beards.
Oh.
Just as well.
That's what I got her.
He did it again, damn it! The third year in a row, Walt Twitchell has cheated me out of my rightful place in the Magic Kingdom.
And he did it by one lousy dented can of Spam.
You know, Clavin, I know you're dying to go to a place where no one looks twice at funny costumes and big floppy ears, but I think you missed the point here.
A lot of food got to needy people.
Isn't that what it's all about? Well I guess you're right, Carla.
WOODY: Oh, Mr.
Clavin, I'm glad you're here.
I got something for you.
Ah, thanks, Woody, but, uh Wait a minute.
Chow mein and leechy nuts? Woodrow, think very carefully.
Were these in the bar before 4:00 p.
m.
today? Yeah, they were here.
I just forgot to put 'em in the box.
Oh, that makes one more can than Twitchell.
I win.
( laughs ) Deck the halls with suntan lotion.
Disney World, here I come! ( laughs ) Well, I guess it's true what they say.
Charity begins in Orlando.
( grunts ) Oh! You Yoo-hoo! Hey, wait, no! I see you in there! Hey, come on.
Please, no.
Please, open.
Oh, please! ( groans ) Hey, please open up.
Excuse Oh, great, listen.
Uh, is there any, uh, store open around here this time of night? Oh, geez.
( groans ) ( door bell jangling ) Oh, oh, bless you, sir.
Thank you, thank you for being open.
Sorry, we're closed.
Oh Oh! Merry Christmas.
( grunts ) ( groans ) WOMAN: Are you all right? No.
No, I'm trying to get a gift for my boss.
Everything's closed, I'm cold, it's wet and I'm miserable.
Well, I've got plenty of presents here.
Maybe you could use one of these? Well you must be an angel.
You don't have wings under there, do you? Mm-hmm.
What? I'm a stewardess.
Oh oh oh, God.
Oh, bless your heart.
Hey! Well, let's Whoo! let's see what I've got.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Oh, well.
What's this, uh, this one right here? Oh, those are ear muffs.
But you don't want those, they're too impersonal and boring.
No, they'd be perfect for her.
Your boss is a her? Yeah, well rumor has it.
( chuckles ) Oh, well, I've got some things that I bought for myself she might like.
No, no, the ear muffs are perfect.
Let me just write you out a check here.
Oh, how 'bout a nice silk teddy? Mm, I love to lounge around in my house with this.
Oh, yeah? Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh what-what else did you buy for yourself in there? A black lace garter belt.
Ooh.
Trust me, you can never have too many of these.
Ah Mm-hmm.
Let's see, we have baby dolls ( chuckles ) and a short kimono ( chuckling ): Merry Christmas, Sammy.
and a satin camisole Mmm! Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Santa, what can I get you? Finally, someone wants to get me something.
I am so happy this holiday season is over with.
The whining, the crying, the screaming, the temper tantrums Okay, I wasn't your traditional Santa Claus.
NORM: Come on in.
Right over there.
I'll get you some beers.
I'll be right with you.
What's with all the bowls full of jelly? Just having a little get-together after work.
Kind of a class reunion, you know? Wow, you guys all went to the same school? Santa school.
It covered all the basics-- the hair, the makeup, how to talk the kids into asking for the big-ticket items.
( grunting ): Okay.
Whoa, look who's here, huh? Oh, no, what if a little kid walks in here? Sweetheart, it's almost midnight Christmas Eve.
What a time to find out.
Why don't you, uh yeah, grab a seat right here and I'll go get us something hot for our toddies, huh? Thanks, Sam.
All right.
( chuckling ) Hey, Carla ( clears throat ) I got a present for Rebecca.
See you picked up a little package for yourself, too.
Hey, you, know Why not? I've been a good boy and it's just what I asked for.
Sam.
Yeah? Please accept this Merry Christmas from Frasier and me.
Oh, hey, wow, that's great.
Thank you very much.
Listen, I got you something, too.
Um, I left it over in my, uh, other, uh, apartment.
Can, I, uh, can I get it for you next week? Of course, whenever you'd like, Sam.
Or whenever you get a chance to buy it.
Ignore him, Sam, he has a bug up his chimney.
Oh Merry Christmas.
SAM: Merry Christmas.
Yeah, uh, let me have the ear muffs.
That's the, uh my boss lady over there.
Woody, Carla, Sam.
These are just little tokens of appreciation from me to you.
Oh, my you got us presents? Oh, wow! REBECCA: You know, there were so many choices, but I think I done good.
A coffee mug with the corporate logo.
A night shirt with the corporate logo.
SAM: Yeah, well Thanks.
Thanks.
That's great.
You're welcome.
Oh, and know that I don't expect anything in return.
Oh, um, we got you gifts.
Oh, uh SAM: Yeah Yay! Here, why don't you, uh, open mine first there? "To Rebecca from Sam.
" Oh, you shouldn't have gone to the trouble.
Oh, just a little something to keep your ears warm.
( gasps ) My God.
Diamond earrings.
I don't believe this! I don't either.
( mutters ) I thought I was a kiss up, but Sammy wins the pucker sweepstakes.
Hey, if he got her diamonds, I wonder what he got us.
Yeah.
Oh, big whoop-- a wallet.
Thanks for the soap, Sam.
Ooh, and it's pink, too.
Uh, listen, I'm sorry about the mix up here, but my boss seems to really love the diamond earrings.
Can I buy them from you maybe? Well, they were for my mother.
They cost $500.
$500? Um, I'll be right back.
Rebecca? Sam, uh I don't know what to say.
I'm really overwhelmed by your generous gift, but I think it's inappropriate.
You mean you're you're giving it back? You don't you don't want to keep it? I think I should.
Oh, well if that's the way you feel, but I I want you to know that I wouldn't have bought these for you unless I wanted you to have them.
Well, they are pretty.
Thank you.
Is that "thank you" you're giving them back to me, or "thank you" you're going to keep them? I'm afraid that I've misjudged you.
You're very sweet.
Aw.
Would you like to come over to my house tonight for a late supper? Well, that sounds very inviting.
And I'll wear my new earrings.
( to himself ): And very little else.
Uh, damn! Oh! That witch is gonna make me work tonight.
Yeah, and after I gave her the earrings, too.
I just can't believe it.
Oh, I guess that means there's no lingerie fashion show, then? Well, maybe we could do it some other time.
What do you think? Well, I don't know.
It just seemed like such a Christmasy thing to do.
Yeah.
Oh, well.
Just write me a check for the earrings and I'll be going.
All right, and that was be fantastic-- dollars.
And there we go.
All right, uh, well, thank you very much.
You sure, uh, you sure you're not upset about this? No, I'm just going to go over to my mom's house.
She's probably still up getting everything ready for tomorrow.
Yeah.
You know, baking the bread and icing the cookies and stuffing the turkey.
SAM: Yeah.
Stuffing? Oh, yeah, my mom makes it from scratch.
Gee, so does mine.
Yeah, but does your mom make it bone dry? You could gag on it.
Hey, don't tell me.
Do you have a manger scene on your front lawn? The biggest on our block.
Oh The Wise Men are my favorite.
Oh, I love Balthasar.
Oh, Balthasar's good, but Melchior, he's the best.
( chuckles ): Okay, well Listen, I'd introduce you two, but something tells me you've known each other for years.
You driving, Carl? No way, B.
J.
I'm over my limit.
Don't ask me.
I'm gonna sleep where I fall.
Yeah Doesn't that just epitomize the spirit of Christmas in the '80s? NORM: Merry Christmas.
FRASIER: A gaggle of pie-eyed Santa Clauses You have a good night.
Take it easy.
all trying to find a designated driver to take the sleigh ride home.
MAN: Well I hate to leave, but, uh I've got a busy night, and a long haul ahead of me.
Night.
Anyone remember that guy from class? No.
I don't, uh Beats me.
I thought he was a friend of yours.
No, no, no.
Not a friend of mine.
No, he came over with you.
No, I could swear that he came with Okay, wait, now wait.
Wait a second now.
You don't suppose ( patrons chattering ) Did you hear that? Nah Suppose it could be the wind, but it sounded like sleigh bells.
Oh, come on, guys.
I mean, seriously, there must be some explanation.
Well Geez, do you do you think there actually could be a Oh, my wife's gonna kill me.
I left the lights on in the station wagon again.
Can one of you guys give me a jump? Eh! Lilith, that was a miracle.
Snowball, you've had too much schnapps.
No, no, I'm stone sober.
It's I mean, I know that's just some fat old guy with car trouble, but for half a second there, I actually believed in Christmas.
And th-that hasn't happened to me since I was born.
Come on, let's, uh, let's sing some Christmas carols and roast some chestnuts and all that treacle FRASIER AND PATRONS: Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 'Tis the season to be jolly Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la You know, Sammy, I don't want to be ungrateful or anything, but this soap sucks wind.
( chuckles ) You bought Miss Humbug diamond earrings.
Oh, come on now.
There was a reason for that, though.
She has invited me over for an intimate late-night supper.
( chuckles ) Yeah, you, me and half the people in this bar.
Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Don't kid around with me now.
I'm in far too fragile a condition.
You mean you thought you were gonna be the only ( laughing ) You know, I wasn't too thrilled about the soap, but this makes up for it.
Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Hey, look-- It's a Wonderful Life is on again and it's the very best part.
Turn it up, Sam.
Should old acquaintance be forgot and never Well, I'm glad I can finally say this to you without having my head bitten off.
Merry Christmas, Frasier.
It is, isn't it? We have everything that matters, we're together, our loved ones are safe and happy NEWSCASTER: This just in to our news room.
Boston Airport has been temporarily closed due to the presence of a berserk man on Runway Six chasing an Orlando-bound plane and throwing what appears to be cans of Chinese food.
Stay tuned for further details.
lang syne Oh, Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff ( singing along with TV ) We'll drink a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne.
WOODY: God bless us, every one.