Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Tale of Two Cuties

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( babies crying ) ( babies cooing and crying ) ( no audio ) ( babies cooing and crying ) ( piano playing ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know people are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
So, did you get a chance to see Carla's babies? Oh, we sure did.
There are two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
Ah, who do they look like, Carla or Eddie? Well, they're twins.
They kind of look like each other.
What's this? "Carla's Tips.
" Yeah, it was Carla's idea.
She does some of her best thinking in labor.
This is ridiculous.
How does she expect to be tipped if she's not even here? Well, actually, she's doing a lot better than she usually does.
Hello, Samuel.
Hey.
Well, pardon my appearance, everybody.
We always do.
Sorry.
I was covering for Carla.
Oh, hey, you're doing a fine job.
The reason why I look like I've been up all night is because, well, I've been up all night reading that little opus.
All right, Lust for Justice.
Yeah, Vera talked me into reading this.
Oh, is she a fan? No, no.
When Vera's talking, I'll read just about anything.
Yeah.
I almost ruptured a disc delivering those Book of the Month club copies and I decided to see what all the hooha was about.
Yeah, two thumbs up, right? Oh, yeah.
Finest piece of trash not written by a Junta or Jackie in modern literature.
Good Lord.
Another piece of salacious mind candy.
God, this is over Who could imagine he'd know this many words? Yeah, well I checked.
He uses a lot of them twice.
CLIFF: Yeah, well, Frasier, you want to borrow it then? No way you'll find me reading it.
Just look at these reviews.
Suit yourself.
"I couldn't put it down.
" ( scoffs ) ( phone ringing ) Cheers.
Oh, yeah, she is.
Miss Howe, Mr.
Drake.
Mr.
Drake? I wonder what he's calling about.
Woody, how did he sound? Happy, mad, pleasant, annoyed? Well, he sounds kind of weird.
Like an old woman with a lisp and a thick German accent.
Woody, that's his secretary.
Oh, well, then she sounded pretty happy.
Hey, Anthony, Annie, what's up? Sam, I'm swallowing my Tortelli pride to ask if I might borrow five bucks.
That was very difficult for him.
Is it okay? I want to get a present for my mom and the twins.
Sure.
What are you going to get them? Five bucks.
She'll like that.
Thanks, Sam.
Hey, I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back.
Job market's been really bad lately.
I haven't been able to find a job anywhere.
Actually, we have an opening for a temporary waitress to sub for your mom.
What do you think? Ah, I don't want to be a waitress.
No, I was thinking about her.
No, I don't want my wife to work.
I could do it if I want to.
Nuh-uh.
Nuh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
Nuh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
W-Why don't you two talk about it.
Of course we will.
Communication is the cornerstone of our marriage.
Nuh-uh.
Nuh-huh.
Well, well, well.
Hey, Normie, look who's developed a lust for justice.
Yeah.
Do you mind? Lorenzo is hemorrhaging.
Oh, he dies.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
We don't want to spoil the part where Monica first comes in.
Were you shocked or what when she turned out to be a man? CLIFF: Oh, no, no, I saw I wish I was in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten Look away, look away, look away You know, sometimes I like to play little guessing games.
Do you like to play little guessing games, guys? ( all agree ) Let's play a little guessing game.
I just spoke to Mr.
Drake and he suggested that I hire a young girl he knows to cover for Carla.
Now, why do you suppose a busy, important man like Mr.
Drake would take time out of his day to get a simple cocktail waitress a job? Oh, oh, oh.
Uh, she's, uh Norm.
She's a friend of the family.
Possible.
He's, uh, paying off a debt.
I like that.
He feels sorry for her.
He does have a soft heart.
Maybe she's sleeping with him.
Of course that little tramp is sleeping with him! Do you think I'm stupid? Is this still part of the guessing game? No, no, no.
This is just too perfect.
Evan found a nice little bowl for his goldfish to swim in.
Safe, out of the reach of the other executive sharks.
Obviously, he forgot about the Great White Sammy.
( all snicker ) Well, we've reached a compromise, Sam.
I'm taking the relief waitress job.
SAM: Great.
What's the compromise? I'm letting her.
Wait a minute.
I am in charge around here and it is my responsibility to hire people, and I have just be informed that I am hiring someone else.
They're going through a tough time right now.
Why don't you let Annie work just for tips? Tips? ! Yeah.
If I'm gonna work here, I demand a set salary, plus tips, plus two coffee breaks, plus weekends off.
That is completely out of the question.
Okay, then I demand that tip thing.
It's a deal.
I need a Scotch, rocks, two white wines and a draft.
Okeydokey.
Come on, corn cob.
Arriba.
Boy, I tell ya, Annie's getting to be a real pro, huh? Yeah, she's sure rattling off those drink orders, huh? That's nothing.
How about the way she puts me in my place? Can you believe it? Her first day on the job and Evan's little tart is late.
That's because she knows I can't do anything about it because her lover boy is the big boss.
Isn't she just the queen of gall? Oh, no, that was Charlemagne's wife, I think.
Well, you know, if memory serves, I think her name was Cathy.
Listen, have you ever thought that you're reading this whole thing wrong? That maybe she's just a four-eyed little geek that Evan Drake is trying to help out? Right.
And Cliff is leaving his brain to science.
I guess, you're still covering for Carla, huh? Guess again.
Okay, uh, here's another possibility.
Instead of firing someone, you send them to the worst job in the organization.
Usually the poor schlep just gets fed up and quits.
They've tried that on me a bunch of times.
Works like a charm.
You know, you might be right.
She's probably just some pathetic little dishrag whose last great hope is working here at Cheers.
I got to stop jumping to conclusions.
Excuse me.
Is Miss Howe here? Mr.
Drake sent me.
Oh, you must be the slut.
Excuse me? Slot.
You're here to fill the slot.
Welcome to Cheers.
Why don't you just follow me in to my office and we'll fill out your W-4 form.
Great.
And I'll need a phone number and a job history, and a number we can call in case you meet with some horrible disfiguring accident.
Sam? What? Could I ask your opinion as a passionate macho stud horse? Sure.
I may have to stamp out the answer with my foot, but go ahead.
Well, it's bad enough that Anthony's lost all his ambition and can't get a job.
Right.
But ever since I started working here, he's become insanely jealous.
Why am I late? When am I coming home? Why am I dressed like such an ultra-fox? I mean, if it weren't for the six times a day we make love he'd be no fun at all.
Six? Whoo! Can't think of anything that I can do six times a day.
Hit me again.
Will you, Sam? Listen, it's kind of tough on a husband, you know, to have his wife supporting him.
It's a It's a pride thing.
It is a pride thing, Sam.
I remember once when I was out of work, Vera had to support us.
I tell ya, the day that woman left to deliver phone books The proudest day of my life, actually.
What do you want me to do? You want me to talk to him? Would you, Sam? Thanks.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey, I saw that! Anthony! I can't believe you're spying on me.
Suddenly, everything makes sense.
You're taller than me.
You have a Corvette instead of a bus pass.
And your hair does that cool blow-dry thing.
And now you've got my wife.
Well, aren't you gonna stay and fight for me? What's the use? Hey, Anthony, come on, now, don't Have you ever had to defend Vera's honor? Well, no, not per se.
But on more than one occasion I've held her place in line while she parked the car.
Could you believe that? After I gave that man the best 28 months of my life.
Well, why don't you go catch up with him and patch things up.
Forget it.
He's a wimp and he can't get a job.
And his jealousy is ruining our marriage.
Not to mention that he left the cap off the toothpaste for, like, the kajillionth day in a row.
I had no idea that the wounds were so deep.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can just go and Oh, God! I've just lost the only man I've ever loved.
Oh, no, wait.
Sit here, will ya? Listen, he'll come back.
Don't you worry about that.
Now, he's not gonna leave a beautiful girl like you.
You really think so, Sam? Oh, absolutely.
He'll be right back.
I mean, do you really think I'm beautiful? Hey, anyone see the conclusion of the White House Murders last night? No! Don't say anything.
I've got it on tape.
Did you believe it was the vice-president? Please! How about where the First Lady popped out of a pool of her own blood and strangled the Russian ambassador? No No Yeah, that was my reaction exactly.
Well, thank you, one and all, for ruining yet another plot for me.
I'll be off, now, but before I go there's something I'd like to share with you.
In Citizen Kane.
Rosebud is the name of his sled.
In Murder on the Orient Express, everyone did it, and Luke Skywalker's father is Darth Vader.
Ha! Ah, why doesn't the guy tell us something we don't know, huh? Darth Vader is Luke's father? See you soon.
Bye.
"Bye.
" How dare she put on that sweetness and light when it's so obvious she's nothing more than a sordid little harlot.
Hypocrite.
Doing a great job, Laurie.
Keep it up! I need a couple of drafts, Sam.
Okay.
But, oh, you, uh, You and Anthony still not talking? Talking? I can barely stomach necking with him.
He's a wimp.
Not like my Sam.
Tell me, how do you feel about moonlit walks by the beach and dinner by a roaring fire? I hate them.
I-I can't stand them.
Bleah.
Yay! Me, too.
No, no, no.
I was kidding.
I love them.
Too late.
You know, if someone ran over Laurie in the parking lot, I bet it would look like an accident.
Do you want to make 500 bucks? Just, don't Listen to yourself.
You're going crazy here.
We both have a problem with these new waitresses.
Why don't we help each other out, here? Oh, like I scratch your back? And I'll scratch your front.
What do you propose? Well, all right, uh now, we don't know for sure that Laurie is Evan Drake's mistress, so why don't you let a guy who knows women better than they know themselves find out, all right? Okay.
Laurie, you got a second here? Yeah.
How do you feel about, uh moonlit walks on the beach with a dinner by a roaring fire? Oh, I love those.
Well, would you like to join me? Oh, no, no, but thanks for asking.
She's his mistress.
How do you know that? She turned me down.
That just proves she has a weak stomach.
I'll handle this myself.
Oh, wait a second.
Wait a minute.
What about my little problem here, you know? Sam, I don't have time to handle some silly little teenage crush.
It is not silly.
Oh, yes, Miss Howe? Laurie, my, you are such a busy little bee.
I bet you just won't have an ounce of energy left for your leisure time.
Oh, that's okay.
I've lots of energy.
I'll bet you do.
You know, you and I really haven't had a chance to get to know each other.
What do you like to do in your leisure time? Well, I, uh, I like to read.
In bed? Sometimes.
What else do you like to do in bed? Sleep.
Oh, well.
Let, let's imagine here, that you are asleep in bed, and you roll over.
Did you fall on the floor, or did something impede your progress? Excuse me? Oh, nothing.
It's must my warped, wonderful, wild sense of humor.
By the way, how do you know Evan Drake? Well, he's uh a friend.
Oh.
Well, then maybe you could help me out.
I was gonna buy him a gift.
Perhaps you know what size he wears in slacks or shirts or jockey shorts.
Oh sure, but he doesn't wear jockeys.
He wears boxers.
Never mind, then.
I'm gonna pop her.
I'm gonna pop her.
I'm gonna pop her right in the kisser.
I'm gonna pop her! Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! That's good.
Now-Now do, uh, bacon frying.
You know, Darth Vader cannot be Luke Skywalker's father.
They don't have the same last name.
That's right, Woody.
I'd better call out the Imperial Guards.
( inhaling and exhaling deeply ) Stop it, Mr.
Peterson.
You're scaring me.
ANNIE: You know, Sam, I was just thinking about us last night as I was in the tub shaving my legs and pumicing the dead skin off my knees and elbows and waxing my Uh, is-is there a point to this? Do I have to say it? Can't you just feel it? Would you stop that? This is silly.
Now, just Of course it's silly, but love is silly, isn't it? Romeo and Juliet were silly in a mad, passionate way.
Are we silly, Sam? Are we? Y-You maybe, but I'm not.
Listen, young lady, I happen to be a very close friend of your mother-in-law, and out of respect, I'm ending this conversation right now.
You can end the conversation, Sam, but you can't end the feeling.
Honey, I'm flattered, but this is nuts.
I mean, I You know, I'm old enough to be your f a youthful uncle, all right? I mean, when-when when I'm 60, you're-you're gonna be 22.
Oh, my God, that can't be right.
Uh all right, uh All right, when I'm 60, uh, well, you'll be looking pretty good, actually.
Um so, why don't you call me when I'm 60? I can't wait that long.
Oh, don't.
Just ( Sam grunting ) Hey, knock it off! All right, you, outside.
You're gonna get what's coming to you.
I am not going outside with you, Anthony.
Not you.
Her.
I mean, come on.
You're twice as big as me.
Hey, but you stay away from her, if you know what's good for you.
Thank you for the warning.
Come on, Annie.
Let's go.
Why should I listen to you? Because I happen to be the new Assistant Night Manager at Burger Burger Burger.
You got a job? Hey, an important job.
When I tell people to chop lettuce, they say, "How high?" And now, I am telling you, Missy, if you don't come with me this instant, we're through forever.
I am so totally turned on right now, I could spit.
NORM: Well, I guess it's true what they say: power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
A uniform doesn't hurt, either.
Can you wear it all night? Oh, maybe the hat.
Ooh.
Boy, Sam, lucky for you, he got that job, huh? Lucky, hell.
I got him that job.
I traded in a few favors and got him in.
Wow.
As a matter of fact, are you interested in buying a secondhand car with this giant hamburger on top? Five-speed or automatic? Uh, Miss Howe? Yes, Laurie, dear? Well, uh, Mr.
Drake is dropping by, and I was wondering if I could just break away for a for an early lunch.
Lunch.
Is that the fashionable term for it these days? No, I think I've always called it lunch.
Well, you just run along with Mr.
Drake to your lunch, and don't eat so much, you can't walk back.
Okay.
Excuse me, Sam.
What did she mean by that? Oh, she's, uh, under a lot of pressure nowawdays.
I volunteered to help her release some of it, but she ( sighs ) Probably didn't help, by asking for an early break.
Mm.
I better apologize.
CLIFF: Oh, Normie, do my eyes deceive me, or is this the start of girl-fighting season? Luckily, we have our, uh, luxury box seats just in time.
That's right.
They cost a little bit more, but they're worth it.
Miss Howe, if it's more convenient, I'll just take my lunch break one hour Listen! Let's just cut the crap here, all right? I know how you got hired here, and I know what your relationship is to Mr.
Drake.
You do? Well, give me credit for having an ounce of a brain.
You can tell me to go to hell, but there's something I have to know.
Do you love Evan Drake? Well, yes.
I see.
( voice cracking ): And does he love you? Does he love you?! Well, of course he does.
Well, then there's only one thing left to say.
Oh, my God.
Oh! ( shrieks ) Oh, damn, it's a knockout.
Didn't even get to any hair-pulling.
( door opening ) Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
What the hell's going on? Mr.
Drake.
Daddy.
D-Daddy? Daddy? Daddy.
Daddy.
What happened? Oh, I think she hit me.
You hit my daughter? No, I'm fine.
Yes, I did, but it was an accident.
I have a nerve disorder.
A nerve disorder? SAM: Yes, she Yes.
She was dropped as a child on her REBECCA: And-And you better stand back, because I just never know when it's gonna go off.
Ooh.
Oh! Aah! See? I'd better get back on that medication.
Are you all right, baby? I'll be all right.
Thank you.
I mean her.
Yes, Daddy.
Oh.
REBECCA: So, uh, Laurie's your daughter.
Why didn't you tell me, kiddo? Well, Daddy said not to.
I didn't want her to have any special treatment.
I want her to know what it feels like not to be the boss's daughter.
What a fabulous idea.
And so smart of you not to tell anyone who she was.
Do you have any cotton in your office? Yeah.
Let's put some food in my baby, huh? Again, again, please accept my apology, and it was so nice to see you, Mr.
Drake.
If you don't mind, I'll wait till after you've had the medication.
Do you think he bought that nerve disorder thing? I think he bought that nerve disorder thing.
Is it getting darker in here? Oh, Sam, stop being such a big baby.
Yeah, well Here, let me look at your nose.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
( gasping ): Oh, my God! What? Oh.
( grunts ) Huh? What-What? Hey, everybody, I'm back.
Hey, Carla.
All right.
Anything new since I've been gone? ( baby cooing ) NORM: Mm, no, not much.
CLIFF: Uh, well, nothing special.
( baby cooing ) Yeah, yeah.
How about yourself? The usual.