Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Yacht of Fools

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
TV NARRATOR: English is, of course, a member of the Germanic sub-family of the Indo-European Isn't this fascinating? Must be what TV's like after you're dead.
All right, Normie, turn off that claptrap.
CLIFF: The cavalry has arrived.
I just raided Vincent's Video Emporium for the finest '50s sci-fi fare.
All right.
Yeah, get ready for a rollicking evening of, uh, pod people, invisible monsters and wisecracking robots.
Ooh danger, danger! Danger, danger! I love this stuff.
Yeah? Oh, now there's one of my favorites-- Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
All right.
Good one.
A particularly trenchant analysis of the collective American psyche during the Cold War era, with the pod people representing the dehumanizing effect of the McCarthy hearings.
I guess we got, uh, plenty of other movies there.
CLIFF: Here we go.
Day the Earth Stood Still-- a real classic.
Oh Klaatu barada nicto ( chuckling ) For my money, the finest allegorical retelling of the life of Christ on film.
Even better than E.
T.
Next batter.
Forbidden Planet.
Well, that's a good choice.
It's a witty revamp of Shakespeare's The Tempest with Robbie the Robot standing in for the sprite Ariel.
Well, so what'll it be? ( remote control clicks ) TV NARRATOR: This, then, was the height of the literary use of Middle English.
By the end of ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
EVAN: Look, are you sure? Check out Mr.
Evan Drake over there, acting like he owns the place, eh? Thinks that he's just some, uh, big shot corporate executive, eh? Doesn't have to pay attention to the common man like you and me? We're not important enough.
Well, actually, Cliff, if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now, studies have shown that rich people are than most of us.
Oh, come on, that's a crock.
Well, of course it is, but we have to cling to it, don't we? Thank you.
Damn.
Bad news? Yeah, a very important client and I were going to take the corporate yacht out for a little cruise, but he had to hurry home.
Illness in the family? No, they overthrew his government.
Ah, on the weekend, to boot, huh? Just can't make plans with dictators.
( chuckling ) Sam, why don't you join me? We're heading out to Martha's Vineyard.
Oh, I'd love to.
Why don't we make it a romantic weekend, huh? Oh, well, I'm flattered, Evan, that's ( laughing ): No, no, no, no.
I meant bring Rebecca along.
Rebecca? Why would I want to do that? Well, the last I heard, you two were a hot item.
Uh, well, uh I'm not going to hear any more about it.
I don't know, man No, no, no.
You two are coming.
Now, just call my secretary.
She'll give you all the details, all right? Oh, Mr.
Drake? Hmm.
Um, I'm an insignificant cog in the vast machinery of your corporation.
Nice to meet you.
You being a rich and powerful guy, you might think you'd let yourself get all fat and lazy, but you look like you keep yourself in pretty good shape.
Well, I get to the gym a few times a week.
Good, good, then maybe you can catch the truck that's towing your Rolls.
I love to see rich people haul butt.
Well, let's see here.
What little mermaid would like me to scale her tail this weekend? What, you're not taking Miss Howe? No, I thought I'd have fun instead.
I'm tired of barking up that tree.
I thought Mr.
Drake told you to take her.
Well, I'll just, uh, tell him we broke up, or something.
Besides ( clears throat ) I got this, uh, gorgeous dental hygienist that I've been trying to impress, and flossing every day just isn't doing it.
( chuckling ) She'll love this yacht thing.
She's, uh, into money in a big way.
It's amazing how superficial some people can be, isn't it? Oh, tell me about it.
Good thing for her she's got a great set of hooters.
Good luck.
Mmm, thank you.
CLIFF: Hold it, hold it hold it, hold it, hold Look, no, I'm telling you, Normie, recent research into the Revolutionary War indicates that the, uh, defenders of this area were not called the, uh, Minutemen after all.
Oh, like every history book is then wrong, right? Oh, they were actually called the Minute Men.
A lot of them under three feet tall, as a matter of fact.
Right.
Way back in history, people were shorter.
All right, fine.
Take, for example, the, uh, the Knights of the Round Table.
Yeah? Genuine midgets.
You're a very lonely man, aren't you? Julie, sweetheart, come on, it's the middle of winter.
You're going to have to bundle up.
I don't know, pack a wool bikini, or something.
All right.
( chuckling ): Okay, bye-bye.
Whee.
All right.
Julie is set.
Sammy, come here.
Let me see if I got this straight.
What? Drake invited you and Rebecca.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, Rebecca's got the major hots for Drake.
You take Julie instead of Rebecca.
Rebecca is left standing alone on the dock.
Hey, what's that in her hand? Oh, must be your severed head.
Uh, don't worry about it.
Rebecca's not even going to find out she was invited.
Well, Sam, looks like we're going to be shipmates.
What do you mean? I just saw Evan outside, and he told me the good news.
I'm going to be your date.
Uh, well, here uh here's the bad news.
I've already invited somebody else.
Un-invite her.
Sam, I have been dying for this chance to get to know Evan in a social setting.
He only sees me as some tough businesswoman in tailored suits.
I want him to see me in sportswear.
No you don't understand.
See, Julie is really important to me.
I've been working like crazy to-to set something up with her for almost three days now.
All right, all right.
I'll, uh, I'll call Evan and I'll try to fix it up.
I what am how am I going to explain Julie tagging along? Oh, I don't know.
Tell him she's your sister.
My sister? Rebecca, this is a hot, gorgeous, sexy woman.
Yeah, he'll believe that.
Oh, this looks just marvelous, Lorenzo, just marvelous.
Grazie, signore.
Thanks again, Evan, for, uh, making room for my sister here on such short notice.
Yeah, I really appreciate that.
This yacht must have cost a fortune! SAM: Mmm.
Well, did it? Well, the important thing is that it gets me where I want to go.
Ah.
Yep.
All I really need is a boat beneath my feet and a star to guide her with.
And of course, a helicopter pad.
( both laugh raucously ) Oh, you have a beautiful laugh, Julie.
Doesn't she brighten up the old tub, Lorenzo? It is like a ray of sunshine to have a woman as beautiful as Miss Malone onboard.
Oh, and of course you, too.
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
Oh, thank you, Mr.
Drake, it's nice Wow, you must be very proud of your brother.
He was one heck of a pitcher, I'll tell you.
It's too bad he's not playing now, when he could be making some real money.
Isn't she sweet? You two are very close, aren't you? Mm.
Oh, yeah.
She's, um, like a sister to me.
( laughs ) I'm afraid I didn't have much in common with my brother.
Oh, you, too-- same with my brother.
Julie, you told me you didn't have another brother.
Well Uh, well she doesn't, actually, but I do.
Well, well, it's not actually his brother.
They're just such close friends that Sam likes to think of him as his brother.
We just don't have anything in common, that's all.
Everything is ready, sir.
Ah.
Ah.
Hey! Everyone help themselves here.
I have to have a word with the chef.
Hey, I have three for him, "Keep it coming.
" ( laughs ) Whoo! You know, this is kind of fun, pretending to have this whole different personality.
If you like it, you might want to get one of your own.
Wow, would you look at this.
Lobster, cracked crab, caviar Hey, ham.
Whoo! I wonder what this spread cost.
You know, Julie, you seem very concerned with the price of things.
Don't you find that a little rude? Well, it's not like I asked him how old he is.
What do you think? Find anything to your liking? ( chuckles ) Actually, yes.
So have I.
( laughs ) So I guess your cabin is that, uh, really big one upstairs, huh? Uh-huh.
Ah, I'd really like to see it.
Well, maybe I could take you on the captain's tour right after dinner.
Oh, I'd really like that.
Do you think your brother would mind? What brother? Ah.
Great.
Tonight is the night.
Yeah.
I can feel it in my bones.
( laughs ) Right after dinner, I'm gonna tell Evan how I really feel.
Mmm.
No, I'm gonna show him how I feel.
I'm going to seize the moment.
Fine, do what you want.
Right about then, I'm going to be seizing Julie's headboard.
Well ( clears throat ) May I propose a toast? Oh, yeah.
Yes.
To a night full of promise and possibilities.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear, yeah.
( laughs ) Well, I hope Lorenzo has seen to everything.
Julie, this is your cabin.
I hope you find it comfortable.
Thank you.
I'll check in on you later, sis.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
I think I'm getting a headache.
Well, not to worry.
I'll just drop by with the old family cure.
Your cabin, you two.
Ah.
Good night.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
I'm sure you don't have bedbugs on this boat, or any other kind of bugs.
Do they even have bugs at sea? Well, maybe water bugs Good night.
What is my problem? Huh? Every time I talk to him, I sound like a complete idiot.
( sighs ) Sam? Mm-hmm.
Did you ever get tongue-tied with a woman? Oh, sure, lots of times.
As a matter of fact, once we had to go to the emergency room.
They do have bugs at sea.
Oh, now Hey, this is a great room, isn't it? ( clears throat ) Too bad I won't be using it.
Yeah, well, if I get lucky, I won't, either.
( laughs ) Sam, do you have to do that in front of me? What? Oh, I'm sorry, but Julie's a dental hygienist.
This is gonna be the first thing she checks.
Maybe the second.
You know, I love it when you talk stupid, Sam.
Uh-huh.
Didn't she just say she had a headache? No, no.
For Evan's benefit.
No, she's got the kind of headache where you go straight to bed and take a couple of Sammys every four hours.
God, I cannot believe I'm sharing a stateroom with you.
I will never get any mirror time.
All right, all right.
( Sam mumbles ) Thank you.
Just Oh, what can I get you? Well, let's see.
Uh, today's my birthday.
What's a good birthday drink? Oh, well, Sam always buys a free beer for people on their birthday.
Hey, that's great.
Uh, actually, it's, uh, my girlfriend here's birthday, too.
Oh, well, she gets a free beer, too, then.
( laughter ) Funny thing is, it's our birthday, also.
Oh, yeah, that's how we all met.
We were, uh, at the same party.
Wow.
Free beers all around then, huh? CLIFF: Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, there, Mr.
Hoof and Mouth, will you put your thinking cap on? Hey, what are the chances of those four people having a birthday on the same day? The odds must be astronomical.
I'm just glad I was here to see it.
Hey, hey Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody Don't you think it's the slightest bit of a coincidence that those four people happen to have the exact same birthday as Cliff and me? Really? A pitcher will be fine.
Yeah.
Two.
You've been working on your hair all this time, and it still looks like that? Like what? Like something you'd surf on.
Well Give me the brush.
Get down.
All right.
God am I really gonna have the guts to go through with this? Yes, I am.
I have to.
And now There you go.
Yeah, that's great.
This is really going to be tricky tonight.
Yeah.
I have to create just the right romantic mood with Evan.
Yeah.
Do you have any suggestions on how I could do that? Oh, yeah, that's easy.
What you do ( clears throat ) is you knock on his door, and you tell him that you're having trouble sleeping, that you need some air.
And then you get him to take a little stroll around the deck with you, and then when the the moment's right, you tell him you'd like to see him naked.
Works for me.
Yeah.
I'm out of here.
Okay.
( clears throat ) ( sighs ) Good luck.
I-I was just heading up on deck.
I was just going up on deck, too.
I just changed my mind.
I just changed my mind, too.
Whoa-ho! That was quick.
Was it everything you thought it'd be? Sam, don't be stupid.
All right, here I go.
Go on.
( sighs ) I changed my mind, decided to get some fresh air.
Me, too.
( laughs ) Oh, but I forgot my So did I.
Would you do something about that damn Julie? What? She keeps heading up on deck every time I open up the door.
Julie? What the hell's she doing? We got a date.
That would probably send me to the rail, too.
Here I go again.
( sighs ) You ready for the Captain's tour? JULIE: Oh, I don't know.
I don't think I'm dressed for it.
( laughs ) Maybe you could help me pick out something.
Oh, my God! What? I just saw Evan go in Julie's cabin, and my life has no meaning.
You're crazy.
I'm not, I saw it.
Shoot me now! ( mumbles ) ( sighs ) ( whispers ): J-Julie? Uh, Sam, I told you I have a headache.
Oh, wait a minute.
What? Hey, Drake's in there, isn't he? Oh.
Oh.
Well I don't believe this.
What? You're-You're throwing me over for that guy? Why? Just because he has more money than me? More money than I'll ever hope to have? More money than most of America h? I'm losing this argument, aren't I? Good night.
( mumbles ) Okay.
I don't believe the nerve of that woman.
I believe it.
Of course I believe it.
Because she is nothing more than a classless bimbo.
SAM: Hey, don't defend her to me.
To think, you know, I have wasted three days on that lost cause.
Three days?! Try wasting two years.
Two years of waiting by the phone for him to call.
Two years of making excuses for why he didn't.
Two years of dreaming about him and thinking about him.
Living every moment for Evan Gregory Drake.
Wow.
Boy, you sure have me beat.
I'm just so disappointed in him.
Disappointed? Think how I feel.
I mean, he's in there boinking my sister.
Oh.
( crying ) I am never gonna have a husband or babies.
Oh, now Or a family.
All I have is my stupid career, ( high-pitched ): and I don't even like it.
( crying ) Hey, come on now.
Listen, you-you are a-a beautiful, intelligent woman.
Oh, Sam, please, not now.
What? Oh, come on.
What-What you think that I'm? Listen, I made a lot of stupid passes at you, but this is not one of them.
Hey ( crying ) you are a terrific person.
You know, a lot of good things are gonna happen, and I'm sure the right person's gonna come along.
Well, what if he already did, and I didn't know it ( high-pitched ): because of Evan? ( crying ) Well, then, if you miss him, then he wasn't the right person.
( panting ) Oh.
( sniffles ) Really? Yeah, really.
Really? ( clucks tongue ) Uh-oh.
Um listen you're in a very, uh emotional state right now, and I I don't want to take advantage of that.
If you want me to leave, you just say so.
I don't seem to be saying anything.
( knock at door ) Oh Oh, I'm sorry.
( mutters ) No, it's all right, Evan, come in.
Well, I can't sleep until I get something off my chest.
Well, read a book, man, and-and get back to us in about three hours, huh? No, no.
Go on, Evan.
Sam I got where I am in life because I have always dealt honestly with people I respect.
Hey, that's great.
Can we talk about it in the morning, please? Sam, I tried to seduce your sister.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, well, that's a that's a shocker.
Um, may maybe we ought to sleep on it, huh? Sam, please, give me my day in court, will you? You see, I Well, since my marriage broke up, I have been feeling lonely.
Still, a man gets urges.
Mm.
EVAN: But I guess I'm just too old-fashioned to think I can find any real happiness that way.
Nothing happened, Sam.
Oh And I just wanted to explain that to you, so, uh Uh, excuse me.
Well Good night.
Yeah, yeah, good night.
( laughs ): All right.
Now All right, okay.
Where were we here? I have never loved that man more than I do right at this very minute.
Me, neither.
So where were we? God, he needs someone so badly.
Oh, come on! I haven't used that "men have urges" line since I was in the fifth grade.
Excuse me, Sam.
( mumbles ) What? Come on! What are you gonna do? You gonna go chasing after him? No, no, no.
Please.
It isn't the right time.
I just have to think.
I'm gonna go up on deck and sleep and look at the stars.
Uh, li-listen, you can't ( laughs ) You can't just work me up like that, and then walk out of here.
Please.
Sam No, please.
I believe you have a sister with a vacancy sign on her door.
Right, right.
Say hello to the stars for me there, sweetheart.
Boy, this Okay, all right.
( humming ) ( clears throat ): Um, Julie? ( laughs ): Listen, uh, why don't we let bygones be bygones here? Um, you were tempted, I was tempted, but what the hell? We're both consenting adults, huh? I sure hope there's, uh, some room in that bunk of yours for me.
There isn't.
I got to stay off boats, man.
Hello.
Hey, Carla.
Did you pick your mother-in-law up? Yeah.
I tried to pawn her off on some Hare Krishnas, but I think she's the only thing they won't take at the airport.
So, how's it been going? Oh, fine.
Well, they tried to pull that old birthday gag where they get a free round of beers, but I caught on after the fifth round.
Oh, Gomer, Gomer, Gomer.
Geez! Well, lucky for me, I remembered that Mr.
Clavin and Mr.
Peterson already had their birthday.
Those foam suckers were in on this?! That does it.
Where are they? CARLA: Hey, hey, hey.
I want to talk to you.
Nobody stiffs this bar.
Oh Oh CARLA: You owe me for five rounds.
Hey, come here.
Ooh.
All right, Cliffie, we split up.
There's no way she can catch both of us.
Norm-Norm, she's she's gonna come after me first, Normie.
Yeah.
Ready? No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
CARLA: No.
Get back here.
Get Oh, oh.
Ooh, ooh.
Hey! Where's the tip? ( coins clinking ) ( snoring ) ( loud snoring ) ( snoring continues ) ( snoring ) ( snoring continues ) ( loud snoring ) ( snoring continues ) ( snoring ) ( drawer slams shut ) ( Sam screams )